This Beautiful Boy Is An Addict

This week, I celebrated my 450th day of sobriety.

No, I'm not an alcoholic, and I've never been a drug addict. My sobriety takes a very interesting form instead - It has now been 455 days since I last jerked off to porn.

Now, a lot of people would say that that's silly - there's no such thing as porn addiction - that's something that Anti-sex people bandy about to try and impose their will on the public, to bring down the BDSMers. And when people take this tack, they point out there's nothing to get addicted to - porn is just an activity. And I think that for the vast majority of people, this is true - a lot of people watch porn, get a lot of pleasure out of it, and never get addicted at all to it.

I however, was not that lucky. Porn for me started to become a problem, a serious one, in fact. My porn watching became a major force in my life, I'd spend nights finding new porn constantly, since any given video or picture would have a very short life span. I was always looking for something new, interesting, exotic, dangerous - the minute something became banal, it was no longer worth watching.

In short, my porn watching became an escape, an escape from a life that I was never really happy with, with a partner that was becoming less and less in love with. I jerked off to porn to give me a quick happy that would make the badness of my life disappear for a while.

Of course, I didn't know that at the time. It took my Daddy to finally make the connection that my problem was a real addiction, after he saw the kind of porn that I had started to watch. We eventually realised that I was really using my entire sexuality as an addictive escape from the real word, and had been since I before I was legally an adult. I think I can honestly say that I relied quite a lot on our relationship to maintain my sobriety over those first few months, for which I thank him so very much for.

I bring up this addiction because, as you might expect, it makes for some unfortunately problems in the kink scene, as well as in my normal explorations of my own sexuality. Because watching porn by myself is now entirely off-limits, I don't have the ability to see if I like a particular kink by watching porn and seeing if it gets me off. And hell, even if I did, it wouldn't prove anything - by the end, there was very little porn that I didn't consider hot (although very vanilla stuff became rather passe). Anything new would probably turn me on, but I couldn't trust if that was something I was really interested in, or whether I was getting hot because I was watching porn.

It also means that I often get very uncomfortable at kink events, since there's often porn playing in the background (or other people playing in the background). While these days I'm getting better, there's always a residual anxiety whenever porn is in the room. At the very least, it starts getting difficult to feel sexy, because I have to start intellectualising my surroundings, which is a very simple way of killing my interest in sex.

And things get worse when you combine it with the other traumas that I've had. Right now, it's nearly impossible for me to try reaching out to other people in the scene to explore things that my Daddy can't or won't explore with me, because the idea of asking someone to do something with me purely on a sexual level makes me really anxious, even if I know them quite well. I get just as anxious if people ask me directly as well. It's frustrating as hell, and I don't really have any way of getting past it yet.

Maybe one day I'll manage to reach a healthy sexuality, and I hope that my kink and my relationship with my Daddy will continue to be the healthy influences that they are now.

Maybe.