Seeking Self: Improvement

This blog, as might be shown by it's title, is supposed to be a way of me learning more about myself, since I have a lot of trouble with not knowing a great deal of myself. This is not just about my kinky side, but also my general self as well. As part of this, Daddy has given me a task to perform: Each week, I'm to complete a prompt of his, to talk about a certain part of myself, and to learn a bit more about myself. This is prompt number one:

How do you wish to better yourself, in the long term?

There are many things about myself that I wish to improve.

I want to become a person who isn't afraid of failure - someone who is willing to try things, even if I'm not entirely sure I'll succeed. The fear of failure paralyses me so much, I want to live a life where I will take risks and not care.

I want to have more emotions. I don't think I want control, per se - I think I already spend too much time controlling my emotions, and I think that control stops me from being able to experience those emotions. I want to be able to experience emotions in more than just a bodily context - I don't want to have to deduce what I'm feeling.

I want to be more present in the world. This one might be connected to the previous, but it's still important. I spent huge amounts of effort trying not to engage with the world, trying to protect myself from the bad things of the world. But I think those efforts are stopping me from enjoying the good things too. I don't get enthusiastic about things, I don't jump into fandoms anymore. I don't have any real obsessions anymore, nothing to engage me that doesn't involve work or my Daddy. I know why I put myself in the position I'm in (because I went through a few years of real suck, and so those behaviours that I always did got ramped up to try and get me back to functional), but I think that those behaviours are now holding me back. I want to be an exceptional person, in some way, but I know that being exceptional require focus, drive, passion. People who don't care about things don't become great people, because you have to push yourself to great heights.

I want to be sure of myself. With the addictions that I've dealt with (and still deal with), I don't think I really trust what I think anymore. I'm constantly vigilant, always questioning whether the things I want are actually what I want, or the addiction talking. I spent so long thinking my addictions were kinda normal, now I don't know what's normal and what's a step back to who I used to be. So far as I know, most people have at least a bedrock of beliefs about who they are, and what they want with their relationships and desires. Me? I have desires that I know are unhealthy and that I'm not allowed to accept. And I don't really have a lot of ideas on replacements for those unhealthy ideas. Daddy keeps telling me that the first step to new relationships is knowing what you're looking for, but I can't look for anything because I don't know that my intentions are ever right. When I keep interrogating my desires, they fall apart, but nothing comes up to replace them. Even the places in my life where I've clearly made good choices, I'm constantly doubting whether I'm really happy with those choices (see: lacking presence). About the only thing I'm certain about is Daddy, and even then, sometimes I feel doubts about my relationship. They don't last - I know I'm happy here. But they keep coming.

I think that's plenty of places for improvement for the moment.

Wonderful Packages...

So, last weekend I finally got a couple of things that I was really, really looking forward to.

A few months ago, I had arranged with a friend of mine in the States that I would send a couple of things her way, and then she would send them off to me. It was an excellent arrangement - except for the fact she sent it to the wrong address. This in itself wouldn't have been such a bad thing - after all, she was sending it to an Apartment, and if there's one thing I know, it's that Australia Post will never leave a parcel at an Apartment, if they can just leave the note in the mail to pick it up at the Parcel pickup.

Alas, Because I'm on the other side of the city, I managed to miss the cut-off time, and it got sent back to my friend. Fortunately, it arrived just as she was coming home for the holidays, and so sent it back to me post haste, and it then arrived just last weekend!

Man, these babies have been through a story enough! I shall be treasuring these for quite some time.

Alright, I've been leading you on long enough. What did I buy? Well...

First purchase was a beautiful Blue Acrylic Paddle from Cane-IAC. I haven't had much of a chance to try it out properly, but it promises to have quite a bite to it! I've been wanting a paddle for such a long time, seeing as I do love being spanked, but Daddy's hand always tires so quickly. Now, Daddy can spank me for much longer, and that'll make me happy (for a bit. Then, I suspect, quite unhappy...).


The second purchase was a nice blue acrylic cane, with three strands. Now, I'm not a fan of canes being used on myself, but with my large collection of blue things, it seemed a shame not to have a nice blue cane to go with everything else. The best part about this toy? The beautiful clacking sound it makes when you hit it on your palm. I think there's a lot of options in how you can use that, and should I ever find a subby play-partner I fully intend to try this one out!

I think it's worth pointing out - I'm so very much a materialist. I do love my toys!

Moments of my Life: The Shoe Ritual

I'm still working on my write-up of last weekend's incredible weekend of awesome, but it's taking a lot more effort (and time), than I have spare. So, to tide people over (and make sure I'm not falling too far behind on schedule!), I offer a little window into my Life with Daddy

There are some ritual which straddle mundane and kinky.

To anyone watching, it's barely anything. A boy helping his boyfriend put on their shoes and socks before we go out. But those people are not really watching.

Because what I'm doing brings me into the Space, reminds me of who I am and who I serve, and every step of the ritual is carefully felt, run through deliberately, although not always with great care. First, taking a pair of socks. Black, always, usually Daddy's own thick, wool socks, the sort he prefers. Alas, sometimes the washing has not always been done, and Daddy's socks are nowhere to be found, so a sacrifice of my own, inferior socks must be given. But Black, always.

I pull them out from each other, ensure that they're the right side out, and then start placing them on my Daddy's feet. bunch them up so the toe of the sock touches the toe of the foot, then pull them upwards across the foot. At the ankle, the important checks are made, to ensure that the sock is correctly aligned - all too often, the heel of the sock is somewhere completely out of left field, and Daddy's comfort must take priority over speed, or punctuality. Once Daddy and I are satisfied that it's on correctly, Pull them up so that they are up over the leg, and not languishing around the ankle.

I am still new to this game, and from time to time my enthusiasm causes me to accidentally hurt my Daddy while I put his socks on, as I am often as rough with him as I am on myself. But I learn, if slowly, and I will soon be trained enough to know how to apply the correct force to the correct situation, to be gentle when I must.

The process is repeated with the other sock, and then we reach the shoes. Daddy has very particular ideas about his shoes - A pair of old dress shoes with no laces, but a buckle on the front. To be honest, they suit Daddy so well, and they're practically a part of his identity now. The shoe's buckle is undone, I pull the shoe apart, while Daddy lifts his foot up. I put the shoe on as best I can, and then Daddy finishes the job, stepping into them, ensuring that the heel isn't folded over and all is comfortable.

I then grab the buckle and strap, and ensure the shoe is tight enough for my Daddy. The shoe is old, and this is not as easy as it may first seem, for the holes in the strap have frayed with use, with bits of fluff everywhere, and the buckle does not fall neatly into place. It's a struggle, but one I win this time, as the buckle finally slides into it's correct place. Repeated again with the other shoe, and my Daddy's dressing is finally complete. The final checks are done, and we are ready to go out.

It's a ritual I do gladly, and with enthusiasm. My Daddy is often so uncomfortable with me serving him, and this is a ritual that he enjoys and is comfortable with, so I seize on the opportunity when it arises. It is a time when my Daddy is fully in my attention, where I can devote my entire mind to serving him. Perhaps I should treat it as a meditation? A simple task where I can reflect on my Service to my Daddy.

Speaking of which, time to wake my Daddy. We go out today, and he'll need to get his shoes on!

Day 30: Wildcard

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Bah! I always hate the wildcard topics! I guess that's part of me being a subby - I'd much rather be told what to do than be given the freedom to do what I want!

It's actually something that's been a struggle between me and Daddy. See, as it turns out, Dominants also have periods of indecisiveness, and hell, sometimes, a Dominant doesn't even feel that strongly about a particular decision, and thus is happy to allow the choice to be decided by their Subby.

For this particular subby, this can be very frustrating, especially when I don't have much of an opinion on the matter either.

I see this most often when the two of us go out to dinner, but haven't decided before time as to where exactly we want to go. At the start of our relationship, we'd end up spending obscene amounts of time pushing the decision onto the other until eventually one of us would break and finally decide where we're going so we could eat before we died of starvation!

And then of course, once we're at the restaurant, I'd often be paralysed with indecision anyway. There was a particular Submissives Munch I went to (without my Daddy, mind), where I was seriously tempted to SMS my Daddy to get him to decide what I wanted for dinner. That night I actually ended up deciding for myself, but it was a close thing!

These days I have better strategies for making decisions on the fly when I need to (like using coin tosses to figure out what I want), but I do admit to sometimes being a bit put out by having to make the decision. I suspect that Daddy secretly knows this and revels in the discomfort of making me have to make a decision. Although I have noticed that when I'm trying to decide at restaurants, he still has this long-suffering face, while he waits for me to make a decision. Usually because he's waiting for food.

Okay, so it's a bit of a stretch to call this about BDSM. Think of this more as a little insight into me and Daddy's daily life, which I think is just an on-topic for this blog at least!

Day 29: My Title

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

As you might have noticed from the name of the blog, I am a Boy. Currently, though, I don't have this as my title outside me and Daddy.

The reasons for this are alas not terribly complex - it's mostly just because I'm not a terribly big fan of being addressed by title, something I share with my Daddy. A lot of it is just practical - I often have a hard enough time realising I'm being called when it's my real name being called out! Being referred to as "boy" would just confuse me even more, and I almost certainly wouldn't be giving the caller due attention.

Another part is ideological as well, I guess - In my interactions with the world, I don't feel much of a need to be addressed by formal titles, because I'm not a very formal person generally. When I call call centres, I'm happy for them to use my first name. My job is at least partially customer service, so when I'm being served I feel a kinship with the people I'm talking to - for someone to call me "sir" in that situation would alienate me a whole lot, and I'm not comfortable with that.

I don't have an issue with addressing other people by title, by the way. I am happy to address people by however they wish to be addressed. But it's worth noting that, again, if people ask to be addressed by a title rather than their name, it makes it much harder for me to make any real connection with people. Which in a lot of cases, I suppose, is probably part of the point.

The dynamic between me and Daddy is quite a bit different, and is much more complex. For the most part, we use each other's names, when we need to use them, and there's no issue with that. But when we drop into ritual, we always address each other by our titles, Daddy and Boy. Whenever Daddy and I are discussing kink or Leather, or if he wishes to assert his authority, the titles are used. The titles are used mostly as a way of enforcing the D/s relationship we have, to bring us into that space, but they aren't used when we are addressing each other as equals in day-to-day living.

Day 28: Uniforms

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

When I go out to BDSM events, I most certainly have a uniform. In fact, it's about the only thing I wear out to events. My uniform consists of the following:

• One pair of blue leather pants, that were my gift to myself, purchased with Kevin Rudd's stimulus money (I'm not 100% sure that that money was supposed to go outside the country, but I'm not complaining about the result!). It is the boldest looking blue that I had ever seen, and I wear them to every event.


• One blue and black leather harness. My Daddy and I were looking around a leather store in Melbourne, and they had a small selection of coloured harnesses, including a blue one that I absolutely fell in love with. My daddy decided, eventually, to buy the harness for me, because he saw how much my eyes lit up when I saw it. To me, it was a thing of absolute beauty, and to this day it's my most treasured leather.


• One pair of black steel-toed boots, laced up with a way-too-long pair of blue laces. The boots were a cheap pair that I had gotten for myself when I donated a pair of my own boots to my Daddy. Because I don't wear them terribly often, they're still in remarkably good shape. The laces were actually bought at the same place that my harness was bought at, on another visit where I felt that I really had to buy something that day. Alas, the boots are really quite short, and the laces were clearly designed for a much longer boot. However, I really wanted to use the laces, so I laced it up in a way that would use as much of the bootlace as possible, but of course, I didn't use up that much, so I end up tieing the laces up once, then using the loops as laces again, and tying it up again. It looks kinda pretty, but I'm still on the lookout for a longer pair of boots.

That's my entire uniform. Every part of it has a story, as I expect most leatherboy's leathers do. I know that I've bought some of these things myself, but my Daddy doesn't seem to mind. The only trick, of course, with wearing blue leathers, is that finding blue leather polish to fix up the scuffing has been an exercise in frustration. It's difficult to find bright blue polishes in physical stores, and I'm always afraid of wasting my money by buying online, since you can never tell the colour of anything online. But I'll persevere, since I really need to take care of my leathers much better than I do now.

Day 27: Intrusion of Vanilla

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Well...

It's actually a bit hard to say. I have, on occasion, used some of my non-kink skills to engage in some kink-related projects (for example, I started setting up a BDSM Checklist page with what little coding knowledge I had. This, alas, stalled, but fortunately someone else has taken up the mantle!). But my non-kink interests are generally quite orthogonal to kink in general - I work in the banking sector, and outside of work I like to play computer games. Kinda hard to mix those things with Kink, alas.

However, I guess you can include my desire to clean as a non-kink interest, and I'd say that I definitely mix that with my Kink (doing chores for my Daddy is one of my primary forms of service to him). And as much as I've lapsed somewhat, writing is definitely a hobby, so this blog could certainly count as a non-kink interest being mixed with my kink. But yeah, for the most part, my various hobbies and interests don't really overlap that much.

Day 26: Online Play

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Well, I wrote previously on how roleplay in general has sort of just faded into "not interested" territory, so any sort of cybersex roleplay on line doesn't hold a lot of interest for me. I've done it one or twice in recent years, and I can't say that it wasn't fun to be GM for someone else's fantasies (certainly it gave the writing muscles a bit of a workout), but it wasn't really satisfying in the BDSM way. Still, I'm not going to say "never again" - I'd say it's definitely something I'd do for a partner online, even if not for myself.

As for domination over IP? Well, I'm not saying it's totally out - I can imagine that if someone wanted to be dominated over the internet (due to geographical reasons), then I wouldn't object to it. I'd be a bit wary, if only because that sort of thing can leave you feeling kind of like a sex toy, if the person on the other end is only using your online presence as a way of getting themselves off without you getting anything out of it. Again, I don't think that there's anything wrong inherantly with it, but I'd be wary of a purely online relationship.

Day 25: Openness

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Well...

The answer, honestly, is not much outside the kink scene and my friends. I actually work for a large bank, in a pretty heavy corporate culture, and while I'm out to a few of my co-workers there, It's something I keep pretty close to my chest. I typically keep my collar out of sight (usually by keeping my top button up) at work, when I keep it out in other aspects of my life I don't give any clues to it's true purpose. My family, for the most part, don't have much of an idea (My Uncle is himself a Leatherman, so of course I'm out to him, and I'm pretty sure my Dad has an inkling of my life, but I don't discuss it openly with him). And, as you're probably noting, my real name does not appear anywhere on this blog, and I do not link to this blog fron anywhere bar my Twitter (not under my usual pseudonym) and my Fetlife accounts.

A lot of this is just because, well, Kink can still get you fired, without recourse. Even in progressive corporations, it only takes one creep to make the whole thing fall around you. And frankly, I appreciate being able to pay rent and keep my benefits. Even this weekend, when I'll actually be performing in public on stage, I'm going to be wearing a mask for the entire time, because I just can't know what reactions people may have to knowing this is what I do.

Day 24: Partners

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

So, this one's a bit awkward.

I've written previously about my angst in partner-searching, in that I don't have a great deal of ideas in exactly what I want in a partner at all, and I suspect a lot of that is based around the fact that I've never really been of a mind to date people - what more typically happens is that I end up sleeping with them and end up in a relationship. I'll admit, it's probably not the best way of getting into relationships, but it seems to work pretty well the last few times it's happened!

But what do I want in a partner? I think about the only real elements I've noticed in my attractions are that I look for people who are genuinely nice, and (especially these days), people who have more of a queer outlook. The last one I guess is more out of necessity than anything - there's not a lot of people with a straight outlook on life that would be able to handle the sort of life I lead these days.

Okay, so that's not really much to go on. Unfortunately, it looks like it's the best I got right about now. I am working on it, though, since in theory I'm supposed to be looking for a partner...