Partners

Me and Daddy are polyamorous people - We don't believe in exclusivity in partners, which is kinda good, because we definitely have needs that the other can't always provide. For one thing, I could never embrace my switchiness with my Daddy - He can't sub for me, and I definitely cannot Dom him.

During the course of our relationship, we've had partners come and go. I met Daddy when he was already in a relationship with another woman. For a short period I was playing with a subby boy. In the last year or so, Daddy has found two other partners, the most recent of which has shown up in the last few months, and it's utterly fantastic to watch my Daddy connect with these new partners, in different and sometimes very similar ways. I rarely get jealous when my Daddy's attention is given to other people - I know I get what I want from my Daddy.

Recently I've been looking at my desires for partners. Since my play-partner ended our arrangement, I've not really had any significant partners other than my Daddy. But it's not like I've been looking - I've been pretty comfortable in this relationship, and while I've occasionally made noises about going and finding new partners, I've never been serious enough about it to actually go look.

A while back I was talking to my Daddy about this state of affairs, and he made a very good point to me - I probably haven't really looked because I've not really known what I was looking for. Many of my relationship have, well, just come to me. I've pursued a few once I knew people were interested, but I've never really gone looking for relationships myself, and I think a lot of this is to do with the fact that I don't have any real goal in mind as to the kinds of people I want to have a relationship with. Without a real goal, I can't really be looking, can I?

I've been thinking for the last week or so about the kind of partners I want. As it turns out, it's really difficult! I know the really general stuff (I know I'd like someone as a Sub, f'rex), but I can't narrow in to the specifics - even down to the obvious "Am I looking for a girl or a boy?" question, I don't have a real answer.

I also have some concerns relating to my past. To look for partners generally means utilising services like Dating sites, going out to bars, generally going out of your way to meet people. And frankly, the last times I used those services? I was mostly using them for sex. And whenever I think about using these sorts of services, that's the reaction I start to get - are these people just out for sex? Am I just replying to this for the option of sex? Can I embrace meeting people without immediately thinking of the sex aspect? It's a major impediment to me putting myself out there. I know that I'm never going to get over this sort of thing unless I actually do use those resources for more than sex, but there's that fear there that's hard to break down.

It's just a lot of effort, really, just to get started. No wonder I was always happier just waiting for people to come to me. But that's not going to work anymore. I have a partner, that instantly stops a lot of people. If I want more partners, I need to put myself out there. Considering how much I hang out with my Daddy, I can't assume I give out "Available" vibes. Am I willing to put the work in?

Guess I'll just have to wait and see.