Isolation and Vulnerability

I've posted previously about how I've kept myself distant from things around me, and recently I've been doing a bit more work into trying to break that down. In particular, I've started seeing my old psych again, and tried to pick up where we left off.

He pointed out a really interesting thing that I hadn't really thought about, when we were talking about whether to engage or stay distant. He pointed out that really, the question was striking a balance between isolation (which is safe, but lonely) and vulnerability (which is dangerous, but rewarding).

He noted that I've had a lot of bad cases of becoming vulnerable to someone, and then that person betraying my trust. Which means that, over time, I've become a whole lot less willing to be vulnerable around people. Oh sure, I can happily chat to people, talk to them about me, but I'm never investing my vulnerability on those conversations. Instead, I'm keeping solid distance, throwing out "safe" parts of myself. But it means that I have very few real, genuine friends, because I won't let down that isolation barrier, and engage in real, vulnerable interaction.

Me and Daddy had a talk last night about what my isolation means in our relationship, especially seeing how long-term it is. And really, what it's doing is choking his desire to engage in anything meaningful with me. After all, I always have the shields up, I don't engage with anything he'd plan, so what's the point? I'm only caring about what I'm getting out of kink, I'm not really engaging with him on the level he's looking for. Worse, it's making it hard for him to take those sorts of interactions from others - I'm basically rubbing off on him.

As much as he's not saying this to make me feel bad, it does make me feel a bit guilty. Even if it's not exactly my fault, it's still my problem to fix. I have to learn this engagement stuff, but frankly I'm not sure where to start. Well, okay, I know exactly where to start, and I've already done it - I'm seeking professional help. But as of yet, I have no game plan, how I get this fixed.

Oh well. Baby steps.

Another Long Absence

So, things have been a bit... overwhelming recently. Stress, understandably, will exacerbate any little issues you might have, and I've been in the middle of looking at finding a new place to live, uncertainty over money, concern for my daddy, possible interstate trips... It's been a lot to handle, and it's been difficult to bring up any mental force to write here.

But I made a promise to my Daddy, and that's a promise I intend to keep. It's a lot of catching up, but I need to get this done. I'm just... not sure where to begin. To be frank, real life has taken over kink to such a large degree right now, there barely seems room for much, which is a terrible shame.

I've been doing a lot of hiding, a lot of running away, and unfortunately that's also included this blog. My favourite reaction in the world, apparently, is to flee the world, run away from my responsibilities, to bunker down. It's not a useful strategy though, it just means that I keep putting things off until I must deal with it right now, which of course builds up the stress.

Last night it all kind of exploded. My memory had failed me again, I had mistaken my appointment time with my psych, and I just devolved into a sobbing wreck of rage and frustration. It scared me, a lot. I hide my anger, even from myself, but last night I couldn't help but feel it, and there was no target for my anger but myself, so it kept roiling around inside me, screaming for some sort of release. I could get myself just under control to get out of my Daddy's arms, but not enough to feel stable.

My Daddy, god bless him, encouraged me to go to a park with him, and in the beauty of the park, I finally did manage to stabilise myself again. Today I'm taking the day off work, and I'm going to my doctor to talk to him about this stuff. My psych has thankfully given me an appointment on Thursday, so I'll get to see him (and my word will I have a lot to talk about).

I'm really worried about that roiling sea of rage in me. I haven't been in that sort of state for a very long time, and I know, at least on a rational level, that that's mostly due to me working really hard to suppress it. I'm under no illusions, it's still there, somewhere in my subconscious, and I'm concerned that at some point, it'll explode somewhere it's not safe to do so.

Hopefully you'll see a few more posts from me the next couple of weeks, as I try to catch up and bring the blog back up to date.