Bad Feeling Checklist

Daddy has asked me for this week to write down a checklist for me to refer to if I'm feeling low.

• Have I eaten?
• Have I eaten enough healthy food?
• Have I had enough water?
• Have I missed my dose recently?
• Have I had enough sleep?
• Have I had too much sleep?
• Have I exercised recently?
• Have I had cuddle time?
• Have I read anything about sexual assault recently?
• Has my schedule been out of whack for several days in a row?
• Have I socialised with people recently?
• Have I had a bad last call at work?
• Have I been criticised by someone?

Talking about Hypnosis

For this week's blog, I figured I'd share some specific fantasies about hypnosis, for Daddy to get some ideas.

Giving Orders Teeth. I've always loved the idea of certain key words forcing a specific behaviour. Me and Daddy currently use "Would you kindly" as a way of telling me "This is a direct order, do this now". What if I didn't have a choice? Where no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop if he put "would you kindly" in front of a request.

Or maybe have a keyword that will immediately stop me at whatever I'm doing and pay complete attention to Daddy - no ifs or buts. Or maybe a keyword that will turn me into a real Lee-Pet. The sorts of things that forces the meaning of phrases.

Suggestibility Sensation Play. One of the really fascinating things to come out of me and Daddy going to Lee Harrington's workshop a few years ago was the idea of guided meditation being a kind of hypnosis. It got me wondering about the idea of using hypnosis as a way of making someone feel a sensation without the tool being needed. Being able to, with just a word, turn your finger into a wax candle, an ice-cube, silk, a TENS pad, etc. Making me feel things with nothing more than words.

Changing Perceptions. I've heard a few examples of hypnosis practitioners using hypnosis to change a person's very perception of reality. A fun one I've heard of is a dom who hypnotised their sub into perceiving every voice they heard as their dom's voice, but there's a lot of fun possibilities. Making everything taste like Nutella, perceiving every face as wearing a moustache, stopping me from seeing the colour blue... A lot of really evil, but really fun possibilities exist. I'd certainly find something like that pretty damn fun to try!

Just a few fantasy ideas I have for fun with hypnosis.

Seeking Self: Fear

What are you afraid of?

Let's go through them from smallest to biggest.

I am afraid of the 1950s. Okay, maybe fear is a little too strong for it. More correctly, the sort of perfect, 1950s sitcom atmosphere creeps me the hell out. It's one of the easiest ways to put me on edge in any media, especially because these days noone plays it straight. 1950s households always hold some terrible secret these days. So, yeah, 1950s kink really creeps me out a lot.

I'm afraid of bugs. Specifically, bugs that I have designated "dangerous bugs" - insects and arachnids that can bite, sting, or swarm me. It's probably not a stupid fear, but as things tend to go, I take it pretty far - I don't make distinction between harmless and harmful species of spiders and bees/wasps, etc.

I'm afraid more generally of Armageddon. It's not exactly a fear that I worry about a lot, but hey, you never said that these had to be fears you deal with everyday!

I'm afraid I'll never amount to much. That I'll end up one of those people who coulda been something, but never had the guts to do what they had to.

I'm afraid of losing the people I love. There was a while where when Daddy talked about suicidal thoughts to me, he then had to talk me down because I was convinced that that meant that he was going to kill himself and leave me alone. I'm a bit better with this one these days, but it's still a fear that's within me.

I'm also afraid of people not liking me. It's one of those particularly common fears that a lot of people seem to have, but in a lot of ways it's one of my more influential fears. On the one hand, it makes me work really hard to be as congenial as possible, to push myself to become a person who is capable of liking and being liked by a very large number of people. On the other hand, though, it leaves me a wreck when someone decides to attack me, it often makes me incapable of showing my emotions right there and then, etc. Decidedly a double-edged sword there.

And I think that's enough for tonight.

Seeking Self: Improvement

This blog, as might be shown by it's title, is supposed to be a way of me learning more about myself, since I have a lot of trouble with not knowing a great deal of myself. This is not just about my kinky side, but also my general self as well. As part of this, Daddy has given me a task to perform: Each week, I'm to complete a prompt of his, to talk about a certain part of myself, and to learn a bit more about myself. This is prompt number one:

How do you wish to better yourself, in the long term?

There are many things about myself that I wish to improve.

I want to become a person who isn't afraid of failure - someone who is willing to try things, even if I'm not entirely sure I'll succeed. The fear of failure paralyses me so much, I want to live a life where I will take risks and not care.

I want to have more emotions. I don't think I want control, per se - I think I already spend too much time controlling my emotions, and I think that control stops me from being able to experience those emotions. I want to be able to experience emotions in more than just a bodily context - I don't want to have to deduce what I'm feeling.

I want to be more present in the world. This one might be connected to the previous, but it's still important. I spent huge amounts of effort trying not to engage with the world, trying to protect myself from the bad things of the world. But I think those efforts are stopping me from enjoying the good things too. I don't get enthusiastic about things, I don't jump into fandoms anymore. I don't have any real obsessions anymore, nothing to engage me that doesn't involve work or my Daddy. I know why I put myself in the position I'm in (because I went through a few years of real suck, and so those behaviours that I always did got ramped up to try and get me back to functional), but I think that those behaviours are now holding me back. I want to be an exceptional person, in some way, but I know that being exceptional require focus, drive, passion. People who don't care about things don't become great people, because you have to push yourself to great heights.

I want to be sure of myself. With the addictions that I've dealt with (and still deal with), I don't think I really trust what I think anymore. I'm constantly vigilant, always questioning whether the things I want are actually what I want, or the addiction talking. I spent so long thinking my addictions were kinda normal, now I don't know what's normal and what's a step back to who I used to be. So far as I know, most people have at least a bedrock of beliefs about who they are, and what they want with their relationships and desires. Me? I have desires that I know are unhealthy and that I'm not allowed to accept. And I don't really have a lot of ideas on replacements for those unhealthy ideas. Daddy keeps telling me that the first step to new relationships is knowing what you're looking for, but I can't look for anything because I don't know that my intentions are ever right. When I keep interrogating my desires, they fall apart, but nothing comes up to replace them. Even the places in my life where I've clearly made good choices, I'm constantly doubting whether I'm really happy with those choices (see: lacking presence). About the only thing I'm certain about is Daddy, and even then, sometimes I feel doubts about my relationship. They don't last - I know I'm happy here. But they keep coming.

I think that's plenty of places for improvement for the moment.

Boy Get Pride

It has come to my Daddy's attention that most of the posts that I make here are made on challenging things - on things that I don't feel I do very well. In this post, he has asked me to combat this, and write a post on something that I feel I do well. This has taken me some time, and I've had to look at myself with less critical eyes, but I found one thing that I've been doing very well at, and that is getting along with people.

Since I was a kid I've had a general dislike for conflict, in any form, and so for most of my life I have worked out strategies and skills which help me defuse conflicts before they happen. It's a very useful skill in a lot of places in life, and since my new job (which is a call centre job), I've been realising more and more how well I'm built to be a social defuser.

Part of me wonders if this skill is part of my submissive orientation, because a lot of my skills involves twisting my own desires around to meet the desires of others around me (in effect, trying to resolve conflict by making sure that at least the other person has what they want. Certainly, it makes me a rather natural service submissive, happy to do whatever my dom/daddy desires me to do. I actually take a great pride in this ability, even if it sometimes causes me angst. I like being easygoing, I like being able to bring arguments to reasonable conclusions, and I like that I can make friends very easily by helping them be at ease. I think all these are good assets, for me as well as my daddy.