Screams are Not for Me

So, I've got something of a confession to make. I can't deal with screaming.

It's something I've struggled with for quite a number of years. For most people, of course, feeling uncomfortable around people screaming is a perfectly ordinary and desired reaction - when people scream, that usually means they're in trouble.

But that's not so much the case when you're a kinkster.

Because screams happen a lot at our gatherings, and in our homes, and they're not typically signs of distress. Indeed, for a lot of kinksters, they're a sign of getting exactly what they want. Screams of pain, of delight, they're all a part of our lifestyle.

But I don't deal with them very well.

It's reached it's biggest point now that Sister has started hanging around the house more, and Daddy has started playing with her more often. Sister has a much bigger appetite for pain than I ever did, and it means that Daddy can push harder than he'd normally do with myself or other partners. And she's not the kind of painslut that goes all stoic. No, she cries out, she screams, she yells.

And that makes it really difficult to stay present when the two are playing. It takes me back to bad times with my parents. It takes me back to times where I've been smacked or belted because I've done something wrong, and that is not a place where I want to go. Even writing this, I'm having to write around the emotions, because I don't really want to accidentally slip into those memories. It's a bad place. Worse, as I start getting closer to those memories, I start getting anxious about other sound, like impact noises, I start desperately needing to get away, because my calm's been broken, and I need to go somewhere where there's no kinky noises to put the shield back up.

So, if you see me in a quiet corner at an event, or at a kink party, or you see me being really uncomfortable, this is probably why. I do want to be part of events, and this reaction makes things hard for me. Feel free to distract me, or take me away from the scene, take me to another part of the party where I can talk with others and not be around the violent sounds. I'll be grateful, and you might just have saved my sanity for another night.

Lacking Passion

Last night, me and Daddy had another one of our Deep and Meaningfuls. Daddy had started a brand new project to help homelessness in his community, and was disturbed at my lack of enthusiasm about it. He kept pushing me until I finally admitted that I didn't want to be enthusiastic about the project, with various excuses being thrown out. This kept going forth until we got down to the root of the matter - I don't want to be emotional at all. To be enthusiastic about the project would mean I'd have to have some emotional response, and emotion, to me, is still the enemy.

Daddy made a comment during the discussion that this attitude of mine made it incredibly difficult for him to scene with me - I can't "get into" the scene enough for him to be able to connect with me, which for him is the entire point of a scene. I have a stunning tendency to just "disconnect" from the world on a pretty much constant basis. And I self-reinforce it, all the time. Because I try not to experience my emotions, they naturally bottle up, and when I feel them, the explode all over the place - which, really, doesn't make me desire to experience them more often.

Daddy is planning to make me work on experiencing these things, but honestly I'm not sure how much I want to do it. I mean, yes, I want to be able to scene with my Daddy, I want to be able to connect with him, I want to be able to have a relationship that's fulfilling for both of us. But I'm really invested in my identity as a logical, intellectual person (even if that identity has frayed a lot in the last few years), and I still have this gut reaction against the idea of actually expressing and feeling emotions. It pulls against pretty much 25 years of keeping my emotions away from my me. Even if he pushes, will I go with it? Do I want the benefits enough to be willing to make the effort? I can feel myself railing against the idea - it's so foreign to me, it's scary. Can I really get past the fear of self-change?

If there's one thing I do feel, it's fear and anxiety for what's ahead. I don't think I can do this, even with help. How can I change something that's so vital to my own self-image? How can I shift a part of myself that has become a major self-defence mechanism against the various shit that goes through my life? How can I learn to connect to people when not connecting to the world at all is how I manage to not break down crying every day? Can I really be part of a D/s relationship when I refuse to become truly vulnerable and connect with my Daddy?

It all goddamn terrifies me, and I don't know where to go. I don't want to lose everything but I don't want to lose who I am, and I'm afraid that this is such a huge change that should I do it, I will literally become a completely different person. And I kinda like who I am now. What if I become someone terrible? What if during this whole thing I break down and become a useless emotional basketcase? What if after this change Daddy decides he doesn't like who I've become and leaves me? Worse, what if I can't do it, at all, and Daddy can't deal with the fact that I'll never be in touch enough with my emotions to connect?

I keep wanting to end this, but it just keeps coming out. I feel like I want to end this with some comment about how despite all these issues, I'll still do it, because he's my Daddy. But that's just it - will I? I certainly don't want to do it, even if I know rationally that it might be good for me. What feelings I have seem hell-bent on me opting out of this whole idea. I think I may just have to end this without resolution, alas.

An unfortunate absence

You will probably have noticed that I've been gone for the last month or so. The simple answer is that life has frankly completely exploded, and updating this blog was absolutely the last thing on my mind. With all the stress and disaster going on in my life, it's brought my kink life to a total standstill, as me and my Daddy struggle just to keep ourselves safe and sane. Further, moving Daddy out of his apartment into my sharehouse means that he hasn't had a lot of energy to devote to our kink.

Worse, the stress of the last few weeks seems to be pushing me back into old patterns. It's not surprising I guess - when under enough stress, you start turning back to the behaviours that you used to cope with the stress, and of course, the behaviours are still in your head, just waiting to reactivate. But there were good reason for me turning away from those behaviours, as they make me incredibly unhappy, and this just adds further and further to the stress. About the only times where I can feel like the stress isn't there is in the arms of my Daddy, which just makes the periods away from him even harder. I'm hoping that I have the inner strength to wrench myself away from those old patterns again, but it seems so hard this time.

To be honest, despite me not really being in much of a headspace, I miss a lot of our D/s. I have been doing random acts of service to my Daddy, as much as I can, I have been his support as he goes through some very stressful times in his life, but of course, I'm also going through stress, so this is a time where I have needed my Daddy just as much. And he has been there for me so much, I am so glad to have him, and I'm so glad that he is there with me.

And I am torn somewhat, because as much as I would crave more D/s during this time, I know that ultimately, it's not going to be healthy - it would be a way to distract myself from the emotions that I have. My job already gives me enough of that - talking to people for my entire work period means I can just lock away my emotions behind my demeanor on the phone. And it simply doesn't work - I've broken down once from not facing the emotions. Running away from myself by being all-consumed by my Daddy is a wonderful dream, but would be so unhealthy for me that it would tear me apart, and my Daddy would rightly stop me from doing so.

So it seems that I am in something of an unfortunate absence. My D/s duties are lighter than I would like, and yet, I'm concerned that any heavier and I'll destroy myself. I guess the answer is to simply take everything one step at a time, to know that I have permission from the world to slow down and recover, and to not think I'm recovered already. Today, Daddy has promised me another go in my chastity cage, after a very long time without, and I can't wait to see how this goes.