First Top

Yesterday I had my first topping session with Sis. I decided that I wanted to do a wax play scene, with a little ice play as well, and Daddy agreed, and asked if it was alright if he co-topped.

I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed with the scene. I'm glad that I had Daddy to help teach me things, because I am seriously out of practice with topping. Hell, I think I'm out of practice in general, to be perfectly honest. I didn't have more than a general plan going into the scene, and it turns out that I'm not as great at thinking on the fly as I used to, so I ended up just repeating moves to extend the scene. At a few points, I was just mirroring Daddy, because I didn't really have anything else in my mind to do. Worse, Apparently I'd not remembered a few important limits, which could have derailed the entire scene.

But on the plus side, it seems that Sis definitely enjoyed the scene, she was quite happy to have some messy, way fun, so I was quite happy at that outcome at least. As first scenes go, at least the bottom was happy and got what she wanted out of it, so in that sense it was a very successful scene.

In the spirit of trying to discard my perfectionism, I am merely going to say that yesterday's sessions showed simply that I'm at the beginning of my training as a Top. I think I've learned some very important things, not least of which is that I need to plan scenes in much more detail if I'm planning to go for long scenes. Also, I need to work a lot more on concentrating on my partner's limits - there's no excuse for forgetting about limits, they should be foremost in a Top's mind.

A Gooooood Suspension

Suspension is the big thing that my Daddy is known for in the scene, but bizarrely I don't get suspended all that often. Some of it is the fact that "I can get suspended at any time", so anytime we go out to an event other people tend to take priority over me. The second reason is that I'm just not that great a Suspension bottom - I'm not particularly flexible, so I can't do a lot of the prettier poses, and I tend to "fight" the suspension somewhat - as much as I enjoy being up, and playing with my Daddy, I have a really hard time relaxing into the suspension.

Tonight, however, I got the chance to be taken up by Daddy.

He first looked me in the eye, told me that I needed to relax. He kept looking at me, willing me to relax, as I tried as best as I could. He tells me "You need to trust me", then he took his grey handkerchief and put it over my eyes, like a blindfold. He tied my arms to either side of the suspension frame. And then began all the ties, the harnesses, the lines that are needed to hoist anyone up.

I worked so hard on keeping myself relaxed through the whole process. Daddy had told me I needed to be relaxed, and so relaxed I would be. I would make him proud, I would be a good bottom tonight.

I kept myself still, while blindfolded, and finally, I felt him starting to hoist me up, body first then legs. I felt myself spinning around, as Daddy turned me around for all to see. I felt his face in front of me, his body touching my face. I tell him I love him, so much, and we kissed, in front of everyone watching.

Alas, the ropes began to bite into my chest, and I knew that, as much as I want to, my body cannot stay up much longer, and I told Daddy that I needed to come down. I wasn't up long, not more than a couple of minutes, all up. But as I get hoisted down, and as Daddy unties me and takes off my blindfold, the bright lights in my eyes, I ask Daddy "Did I do it? Did I make you proud?"

Daddy looked at me, and I could see the answer in his eyes before he spoke. "Yes, you made me proud". For the first time, I felt light-headed and floaty. This isn't my usual reaction to suspensions, but honestly, I don't mind. I like this feeling.

I help Daddy pack up his rope, and then go with him to a couch in the club. I hug him, hold onto him, I don't want to let him go. He looks at me. "Oh! I can see it there, you're having a feeling!". He's right, I am having a feeling. I've not felt this close to my Daddy in ages, maybe ever. When I think back on the feeling, I have to ask myself, is this what Daddy was wanting all this time? Is this the fabled "spiritual connection" that I could never seem to muster during our previous play?

But back in the moment, I'm not thinking about the feeling. I just want to feel it. I also never want to let my Daddy go. But alas, the feeling, the moment, it passes. Daddy and his girl start preparing for their play, and the connection passes.

Why I Love Rope

I was asked today at my psych why I enjoyed rope, why I enjoy being confined. For once, I actually came up with an answer, so I'm writing it here for posterity.

Sensorily, I love the feeling of rope. I love feeling it's constriction around me, I love the feel of rope, I love testing the boundaries of rope around me.

But it's not just the sensation. I could get that feeling just from tight clothes.

I love rope because being tied up feels safe. It takes me back to games with my brothers, where we would wrap each other in blankets and rugs, like big burritos. We'd inch around like worms, laugh, sometimes we'd even put two of us in the same rug. Being confined with rope takes me back to that place in my mind. When I'm wrapped in rope, I feel like the little rugworm again, unable to anything but inch around. I guess unlike a lot of people, being tied up never had bad connotations for me. When I was teased as a kid, I was never held, never forced down. The attacks on me were always social and psychological, never physical, so physical restraint just doesn't have a negative colour to me. So, being physically restrained always brings me in mind of childhood games, and all the positive feelings of play.

I get the same feeling when I'm caged. When I was little, my favourite places to hide from the world were always little "caves". Either the cave made from the beds in me and my brother's bedrooms, or a little hole in the hedge where my mum played netball, or the hidden little walkway at the basketball stadium, or the boot of a car, I've always had positive associations with small, hidden spaces, and cages bring that feeling into mind, because my cave is the place where the rest of the world isn't. It's where I can be, and I don't have to deal with the world while I'm there.

And then, there's Daddy. My Daddy is possibly the world's most responsible Dom. If he ties me up, or puts me in a cage, he doesn't just leave me there, and walk away. When I'm wrapped up, or in the cage, I know that Daddy is always somewhere giving me attention, keeping me supervised, making sure that I am safe, that nothing will go wrong. I know that when I'm confined, I have my Daddy's attention, and while I know he'll give me attention if I ask it of him, it's just one other thing that makes me feel good inside, to know that when I'm confined, Daddy's always there.