First Top

Yesterday I had my first topping session with Sis. I decided that I wanted to do a wax play scene, with a little ice play as well, and Daddy agreed, and asked if it was alright if he co-topped.

I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed with the scene. I'm glad that I had Daddy to help teach me things, because I am seriously out of practice with topping. Hell, I think I'm out of practice in general, to be perfectly honest. I didn't have more than a general plan going into the scene, and it turns out that I'm not as great at thinking on the fly as I used to, so I ended up just repeating moves to extend the scene. At a few points, I was just mirroring Daddy, because I didn't really have anything else in my mind to do. Worse, Apparently I'd not remembered a few important limits, which could have derailed the entire scene.

But on the plus side, it seems that Sis definitely enjoyed the scene, she was quite happy to have some messy, way fun, so I was quite happy at that outcome at least. As first scenes go, at least the bottom was happy and got what she wanted out of it, so in that sense it was a very successful scene.

In the spirit of trying to discard my perfectionism, I am merely going to say that yesterday's sessions showed simply that I'm at the beginning of my training as a Top. I think I've learned some very important things, not least of which is that I need to plan scenes in much more detail if I'm planning to go for long scenes. Also, I need to work a lot more on concentrating on my partner's limits - there's no excuse for forgetting about limits, they should be foremost in a Top's mind.

Letting my Dom out

Last night I went to Kinky with Daddy, Sis and a friend, and had a grand old time.

The friend who came with us is as into electrical play as I was, so while Daddy was waling on Sis, me and her decided to do some experimenting with my TENS unit. One of my favourite things to do with a TENS unit is what I call touch play - where the two people take an electrode each, and then touch each other. It's much more fun than moving electrodes around, mostly because there's a much wider range of feelings.

It's one of my favourite topping activities, but I suspect the main reason for that is because it blurs the line between top and bottom. Everything the bottom feels, you're going to feel, because both your nerves are in the circuit.

And my partner's great because she has about as much tolerance as I do, so I have to push myself to the limits to push her to hers. We had the dial up to 15, and I was stroking her skin everywhere. Some new things I discovered:

• The harder you push, the more sensation. Which culminates in the "thumbprint", where I stick my thumb hard into her skin, which makes a sudden shock, but which I can't keep up for more than a second or two.
• Usually on skin, the less contact the more intense the sensation, but apparently this is completely different on the soles of feet - with feet, the best sensation apparently happens when my hands are all over the soles. Very interesting!

Today I've noticed that being top for a night has reignited my Dominant side a little. As much as I'm a boy, I have always identified as a switch, and apparently all I needed was a nice play session with someone with my favourite kink to bring it back up. Poor Sis has been bearing the brunt of it today, I've been being very lordly around her, while Daddy's been in bed recovering.

It's almost making me interested in finding a sub for my own. Perhaps I should start looking again. Maybe. Possibly...

Partners and Crazy

For a while now, I've been making rather vague noises about looking for other partners.. But really, that's all it's been - vague noises. The idea of actually going out and looking for more partners was always a little bit uncomfortable for me, so even if I had profiles on dating site, I never really bothered that much. But after our trip to Macushla Farm, Daddy had had his imagination fired up by the possibilities of kinky family holidays, and so Daddy decided to sit down with me and start pushing for those vague noises to to become clearer plans for partners.

As one might expect, this did not go down so well. Those vague plans had been vague mainly because I'd never dared think any further than vague feelings on the matter. Daddy pushing it further just made me try and run harder from it, and it took quite some time to track down the cause.

And that cause? Well, it's rather simple - I'm not confident in my ability to sustain another relationship with full communication. We al know that communication is not my strong suit (hence the entire reason for this blog), and while communication is incredibly important in any relationship, it's absolutely vital for relationships with multiple partners. And it doesn't help that Daddy has always been the jealous type around me. You never want to make your Daddy unhappy, or uncomfortable, and talking about what you're doing with other partners to someone who tends to get jealous just fires that all up.

And hell, talking about sex and BDSM is a huge thing for me - it takes huge amounts of effort for me to have a frank and open conversation on those subjects, thanks to previous programming. While I'm making progress, it's still incredibly hard.

But I don't think I really have much of a choice anymore.

Tonight I went to Kinky, and probably for the first time in a while I had this crazy urge to top someone. This doesn't happen terribly often, but while Daddy was out suspending people, I was around doing not much in particular, and after some self-testing with my TENS unit with some help from a friend of mine, I started really craving play with someone else. Alas, my sensation-play friend ended up not coming to Kinky tonight, so I didn't get my regular play. And while I chatted to other people, I didn't feel terribly comfortable in trolling for play on my own.

These desires have become more and more frequent in the last while. They don't often come out around Daddy (there's just no way I could top him at all), but in fantasies in my head, me being top has been getting more and more frequent.

So, it's become official - I seriously need a partner to top.

But to get a new partner, I need to actually start forcing myself to do shit like, I dunno, define what kind of partner I'm really looking for. And that's shit, because I have never done that in the history of my relationships. I have a tendency to fall for people, and I have pursued from time to time, but it's always been people, not types. I never think about what kinds of people I want to go out with, because there's usually a specific person who's either expressed interest in me, or who I've tried to actively pursue, so well, the whole target thing is sorted straight away.

But now I don't have that. No single person I'm gunning for. I have to actually start the process of dating, of talking to random strangers and chatting, and figuring out if this is the kind of person I want. The last bit I have some practice in, but the first bit? Still very scary for someone who is, despite appearances, still a very shy, awkward boy, who has very little experience in this whole looking for people thing.

And honestly? I know that the only way forward is, well, forward - to start looking, start learning these things from the beginning. Everyone has to do it at some point. But that fear... It's a scary, scary thing to do.

Sensation

Last weekend, me and Daddy went to an Event in Melbourne where a Slave Auction for charity was running. We both had good fun bidding on the various people on offer. But looking at the various people on the block, both Tops and Bottoms, with their various talents on offer, I had to ask myself, if I were placed on the Auction block, what could I offer?

I had to think about it for a while, to be honest. I'm still pretty new in the scene, and I don't have a lot of skills in a lot of areas. As a bottom, I couldn't really give myself out for, say, pain play because that's not what I'm into at all. As a top, I'm still a very nervous and green top, and I can't go nearly as far as more experienced tops. I'm still very much in learning stages for everything.

But a few days after the event, it hit me exactly what I'd be willing to offer to people, even if I didn't know them very well - Sensation Play. It's a part of kink that I honestly have a great deal of confidence in myself in. When I play with other people, the vast majority of my play with them often turns out to be me playing with various sensations.

Hell, I can honestly say that Sensation is one of my geek-out subjects. I have grand plans, you see, of going to fabric stores, feeling a bunch of lovely fabrics, and then making a bunch of sensation gloves. I'm still planning to get a Wartenburg wheel, and the difference between, say, leather floggers and plastic ones is an endless source of curiousity. As much as my Daddy is obsessed with Rope, I think I could honestly say that I have the same fascination about sensation.

The question being, of course, whether I would offer myself as a sensation Top or a sensation Bottom, but I think the answer to that would be "Well, what would you prefer? I'm easy either way!". I think I would be confident enough to Top someone well enough to be worth bidding on, and I think I'd put on enough of a show to entertain for the price of admission!

Going out

It's been a while since me and Daddy went out to a kink event. The simple fact of the matter has been that things have come up, we've been poor and sick, so we haven't had much of a chance to get out. But last weekend that all changed, and we went to Kinky, a kink event in Melbourne

It was so good to be out in the world to play. It completely energises my Daddy, puts him into the mind to play, and when he wants to play, I get to play and serve as well. I get to be roadie when he is suspending other people (which is a wonderful thing, honestly - never do I feel more empowered than when I am being ordered around by my Daddy!), I get drinks for him and his friends, and I get to talk to friends who come along for the ride.

I also get the chance to occasionally play with other people. In this case, a good friend of mine let me do some sensation play with her. In my case, since I've yet to build a full kit yet, my sensation play mostly involves me rummaging through my toybox trying to find interesting surfaces to inflict on people. It turns out I do it rather well - my friend being as much as a sensation slut as I am, she didn't seem to have much complaints. After a brief interlude with some plastic wrap, I wrapped her legs together and then decided to let my sadistic side out by tickling her feet in all manner of ways.

It just keeps reminding me that yes, I do have the ability to top others, even if there's no way I could ever top my Daddy. Indeed, every so often he would pull me out of my play, throw me to the ground and Take me Down, which was wonderfully brutal. Me and Daddy have been trying to work on me enjoying more brutal forms of play, me naturally being a pansy and Daddy being the kind of person who enjoys inflicting lots of pain, and I really enjoyed this type of play. My only desire now is to increase my endurance for this sort of thing. Which I'll probably attend to soon, as Daddy has ordered me to start going to the gym, which I think will likely help.

So, all in all, a thoroughly enjoyable night out!