Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
Bah! I always hate the wildcard topics! I guess that's part of me being a subby - I'd much rather be told what to do than be given the freedom to do what I want!
It's actually something that's been a struggle between me and Daddy. See, as it turns out, Dominants also have periods of indecisiveness, and hell, sometimes, a Dominant doesn't even feel that strongly about a particular decision, and thus is happy to allow the choice to be decided by their Subby.
For this particular subby, this can be very frustrating, especially when I don't have much of an opinion on the matter either.
I see this most often when the two of us go out to dinner, but haven't decided before time as to where exactly we want to go. At the start of our relationship, we'd end up spending obscene amounts of time pushing the decision onto the other until eventually one of us would break and finally decide where we're going so we could eat before we died of starvation!
And then of course, once we're at the restaurant, I'd often be paralysed with indecision anyway. There was a particular Submissives Munch I went to (without my Daddy, mind), where I was seriously tempted to SMS my Daddy to get him to decide what I wanted for dinner. That night I actually ended up deciding for myself, but it was a close thing!
These days I have better strategies for making decisions on the fly when I need to (like using coin tosses to figure out what I want), but I do admit to sometimes being a bit put out by having to make the decision. I suspect that Daddy secretly knows this and revels in the discomfort of making me have to make a decision. Although I have noticed that when I'm trying to decide at restaurants, he still has this long-suffering face, while he waits for me to make a decision. Usually because he's waiting for food.
Okay, so it's a bit of a stretch to call this about BDSM. Think of this more as a little insight into me and Daddy's daily life, which I think is just an on-topic for this blog at least!
Showing posts with label 30 days. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 30 days. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Day 29: My Title
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
As you might have noticed from the name of the blog, I am a Boy. Currently, though, I don't have this as my title outside me and Daddy.
The reasons for this are alas not terribly complex - it's mostly just because I'm not a terribly big fan of being addressed by title, something I share with my Daddy. A lot of it is just practical - I often have a hard enough time realising I'm being called when it's my real name being called out! Being referred to as "boy" would just confuse me even more, and I almost certainly wouldn't be giving the caller due attention.
Another part is ideological as well, I guess - In my interactions with the world, I don't feel much of a need to be addressed by formal titles, because I'm not a very formal person generally. When I call call centres, I'm happy for them to use my first name. My job is at least partially customer service, so when I'm being served I feel a kinship with the people I'm talking to - for someone to call me "sir" in that situation would alienate me a whole lot, and I'm not comfortable with that.
I don't have an issue with addressing other people by title, by the way. I am happy to address people by however they wish to be addressed. But it's worth noting that, again, if people ask to be addressed by a title rather than their name, it makes it much harder for me to make any real connection with people. Which in a lot of cases, I suppose, is probably part of the point.
The dynamic between me and Daddy is quite a bit different, and is much more complex. For the most part, we use each other's names, when we need to use them, and there's no issue with that. But when we drop into ritual, we always address each other by our titles, Daddy and Boy. Whenever Daddy and I are discussing kink or Leather, or if he wishes to assert his authority, the titles are used. The titles are used mostly as a way of enforcing the D/s relationship we have, to bring us into that space, but they aren't used when we are addressing each other as equals in day-to-day living.
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
As you might have noticed from the name of the blog, I am a Boy. Currently, though, I don't have this as my title outside me and Daddy.
The reasons for this are alas not terribly complex - it's mostly just because I'm not a terribly big fan of being addressed by title, something I share with my Daddy. A lot of it is just practical - I often have a hard enough time realising I'm being called when it's my real name being called out! Being referred to as "boy" would just confuse me even more, and I almost certainly wouldn't be giving the caller due attention.
Another part is ideological as well, I guess - In my interactions with the world, I don't feel much of a need to be addressed by formal titles, because I'm not a very formal person generally. When I call call centres, I'm happy for them to use my first name. My job is at least partially customer service, so when I'm being served I feel a kinship with the people I'm talking to - for someone to call me "sir" in that situation would alienate me a whole lot, and I'm not comfortable with that.
I don't have an issue with addressing other people by title, by the way. I am happy to address people by however they wish to be addressed. But it's worth noting that, again, if people ask to be addressed by a title rather than their name, it makes it much harder for me to make any real connection with people. Which in a lot of cases, I suppose, is probably part of the point.
The dynamic between me and Daddy is quite a bit different, and is much more complex. For the most part, we use each other's names, when we need to use them, and there's no issue with that. But when we drop into ritual, we always address each other by our titles, Daddy and Boy. Whenever Daddy and I are discussing kink or Leather, or if he wishes to assert his authority, the titles are used. The titles are used mostly as a way of enforcing the D/s relationship we have, to bring us into that space, but they aren't used when we are addressing each other as equals in day-to-day living.
Day 28: Uniforms
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
When I go out to BDSM events, I most certainly have a uniform. In fact, it's about the only thing I wear out to events. My uniform consists of the following:
That's my entire uniform. Every part of it has a story, as I expect most leatherboy's leathers do. I know that I've bought some of these things myself, but my Daddy doesn't seem to mind. The only trick, of course, with wearing blue leathers, is that finding blue leather polish to fix up the scuffing has been an exercise in frustration. It's difficult to find bright blue polishes in physical stores, and I'm always afraid of wasting my money by buying online, since you can never tell the colour of anything online. But I'll persevere, since I really need to take care of my leathers much better than I do now.
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
When I go out to BDSM events, I most certainly have a uniform. In fact, it's about the only thing I wear out to events. My uniform consists of the following:
- One pair of blue leather pants, that were my gift to myself, purchased with Kevin Rudd's stimulus money (I'm not 100% sure that that money was supposed to go outside the country, but I'm not complaining about the result!). It is the boldest looking blue that I had ever seen, and I wear them to every event.
- One blue and black leather harness. My Daddy and I were looking around a leather store in Melbourne, and they had a small selection of coloured harnesses, including a blue one that I absolutely fell in love with. My daddy decided, eventually, to buy the harness for me, because he saw how much my eyes lit up when I saw it. To me, it was a thing of absolute beauty, and to this day it's my most treasured leather.
- One pair of black steel-toed boots, laced up with a way-too-long pair of blue laces. The boots were a cheap pair that I had gotten for myself when I donated a pair of my own boots to my Daddy. Because I don't wear them terribly often, they're still in remarkably good shape. The laces were actually bought at the same place that my harness was bought at, on another visit where I felt that I really had to buy something that day. Alas, the boots are really quite short, and the laces were clearly designed for a much longer boot. However, I really wanted to use the laces, so I laced it up in a way that would use as much of the bootlace as possible, but of course, I didn't use up that much, so I end up tieing the laces up once, then using the loops as laces again, and tying it up again. It looks kinda pretty, but I'm still on the lookout for a longer pair of boots.
That's my entire uniform. Every part of it has a story, as I expect most leatherboy's leathers do. I know that I've bought some of these things myself, but my Daddy doesn't seem to mind. The only trick, of course, with wearing blue leathers, is that finding blue leather polish to fix up the scuffing has been an exercise in frustration. It's difficult to find bright blue polishes in physical stores, and I'm always afraid of wasting my money by buying online, since you can never tell the colour of anything online. But I'll persevere, since I really need to take care of my leathers much better than I do now.
Day 27: Intrusion of Vanilla
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Well...
It's actually a bit hard to say. I have, on occasion, used some of my non-kink skills to engage in some kink-related projects (for example, I started setting up a BDSM Checklist page with what little coding knowledge I had. This, alas, stalled, but fortunately someone else has taken up the mantle!). But my non-kink interests are generally quite orthogonal to kink in general - I work in the banking sector, and outside of work I like to play computer games. Kinda hard to mix those things with Kink, alas.
However, I guess you can include my desire to clean as a non-kink interest, and I'd say that I definitely mix that with my Kink (doing chores for my Daddy is one of my primary forms of service to him). And as much as I've lapsed somewhat, writing is definitely a hobby, so this blog could certainly count as a non-kink interest being mixed with my kink. But yeah, for the most part, my various hobbies and interests don't really overlap that much.
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Well...
It's actually a bit hard to say. I have, on occasion, used some of my non-kink skills to engage in some kink-related projects (for example, I started setting up a BDSM Checklist page with what little coding knowledge I had. This, alas, stalled, but fortunately someone else has taken up the mantle!). But my non-kink interests are generally quite orthogonal to kink in general - I work in the banking sector, and outside of work I like to play computer games. Kinda hard to mix those things with Kink, alas.
However, I guess you can include my desire to clean as a non-kink interest, and I'd say that I definitely mix that with my Kink (doing chores for my Daddy is one of my primary forms of service to him). And as much as I've lapsed somewhat, writing is definitely a hobby, so this blog could certainly count as a non-kink interest being mixed with my kink. But yeah, for the most part, my various hobbies and interests don't really overlap that much.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Day 26: Online Play
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Well, I wrote previously on how roleplay in general has sort of just faded into "not interested" territory, so any sort of cybersex roleplay on line doesn't hold a lot of interest for me. I've done it one or twice in recent years, and I can't say that it wasn't fun to be GM for someone else's fantasies (certainly it gave the writing muscles a bit of a workout), but it wasn't really satisfying in the BDSM way. Still, I'm not going to say "never again" - I'd say it's definitely something I'd do for a partner online, even if not for myself.
As for domination over IP? Well, I'm not saying it's totally out - I can imagine that if someone wanted to be dominated over the internet (due to geographical reasons), then I wouldn't object to it. I'd be a bit wary, if only because that sort of thing can leave you feeling kind of like a sex toy, if the person on the other end is only using your online presence as a way of getting themselves off without you getting anything out of it. Again, I don't think that there's anything wrong inherantly with it, but I'd be wary of a purely online relationship.
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Well, I wrote previously on how roleplay in general has sort of just faded into "not interested" territory, so any sort of cybersex roleplay on line doesn't hold a lot of interest for me. I've done it one or twice in recent years, and I can't say that it wasn't fun to be GM for someone else's fantasies (certainly it gave the writing muscles a bit of a workout), but it wasn't really satisfying in the BDSM way. Still, I'm not going to say "never again" - I'd say it's definitely something I'd do for a partner online, even if not for myself.
As for domination over IP? Well, I'm not saying it's totally out - I can imagine that if someone wanted to be dominated over the internet (due to geographical reasons), then I wouldn't object to it. I'd be a bit wary, if only because that sort of thing can leave you feeling kind of like a sex toy, if the person on the other end is only using your online presence as a way of getting themselves off without you getting anything out of it. Again, I don't think that there's anything wrong inherantly with it, but I'd be wary of a purely online relationship.
Day 25: Openness
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
Well...
The answer, honestly, is not much outside the kink scene and my friends. I actually work for a large bank, in a pretty heavy corporate culture, and while I'm out to a few of my co-workers there, It's something I keep pretty close to my chest. I typically keep my collar out of sight (usually by keeping my top button up) at work, when I keep it out in other aspects of my life I don't give any clues to it's true purpose. My family, for the most part, don't have much of an idea (My Uncle is himself a Leatherman, so of course I'm out to him, and I'm pretty sure my Dad has an inkling of my life, but I don't discuss it openly with him). And, as you're probably noting, my real name does not appear anywhere on this blog, and I do not link to this blog fron anywhere bar my Twitter (not under my usual pseudonym) and my Fetlife accounts.
A lot of this is just because, well, Kink can still get you fired, without recourse. Even in progressive corporations, it only takes one creep to make the whole thing fall around you. And frankly, I appreciate being able to pay rent and keep my benefits. Even this weekend, when I'll actually be performing in public on stage, I'm going to be wearing a mask for the entire time, because I just can't know what reactions people may have to knowing this is what I do.
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
Well...
The answer, honestly, is not much outside the kink scene and my friends. I actually work for a large bank, in a pretty heavy corporate culture, and while I'm out to a few of my co-workers there, It's something I keep pretty close to my chest. I typically keep my collar out of sight (usually by keeping my top button up) at work, when I keep it out in other aspects of my life I don't give any clues to it's true purpose. My family, for the most part, don't have much of an idea (My Uncle is himself a Leatherman, so of course I'm out to him, and I'm pretty sure my Dad has an inkling of my life, but I don't discuss it openly with him). And, as you're probably noting, my real name does not appear anywhere on this blog, and I do not link to this blog fron anywhere bar my Twitter (not under my usual pseudonym) and my Fetlife accounts.
A lot of this is just because, well, Kink can still get you fired, without recourse. Even in progressive corporations, it only takes one creep to make the whole thing fall around you. And frankly, I appreciate being able to pay rent and keep my benefits. Even this weekend, when I'll actually be performing in public on stage, I'm going to be wearing a mask for the entire time, because I just can't know what reactions people may have to knowing this is what I do.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Day 24: Partners
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
So, this one's a bit awkward.
I've written previously about my angst in partner-searching, in that I don't have a great deal of ideas in exactly what I want in a partner at all, and I suspect a lot of that is based around the fact that I've never really been of a mind to date people - what more typically happens is that I end up sleeping with them and end up in a relationship. I'll admit, it's probably not the best way of getting into relationships, but it seems to work pretty well the last few times it's happened!
But what do I want in a partner? I think about the only real elements I've noticed in my attractions are that I look for people who are genuinely nice, and (especially these days), people who have more of a queer outlook. The last one I guess is more out of necessity than anything - there's not a lot of people with a straight outlook on life that would be able to handle the sort of life I lead these days.
Okay, so that's not really much to go on. Unfortunately, it looks like it's the best I got right about now. I am working on it, though, since in theory I'm supposed to be looking for a partner...
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
So, this one's a bit awkward.
I've written previously about my angst in partner-searching, in that I don't have a great deal of ideas in exactly what I want in a partner at all, and I suspect a lot of that is based around the fact that I've never really been of a mind to date people - what more typically happens is that I end up sleeping with them and end up in a relationship. I'll admit, it's probably not the best way of getting into relationships, but it seems to work pretty well the last few times it's happened!
But what do I want in a partner? I think about the only real elements I've noticed in my attractions are that I look for people who are genuinely nice, and (especially these days), people who have more of a queer outlook. The last one I guess is more out of necessity than anything - there's not a lot of people with a straight outlook on life that would be able to handle the sort of life I lead these days.
Okay, so that's not really much to go on. Unfortunately, it looks like it's the best I got right about now. I am working on it, though, since in theory I'm supposed to be looking for a partner...
Day 23: Change of Perspectives
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
I'm not exactly sure whether my actual interests have changed, or whether I just have a better grasp of what they are, but the sorts of thing that I'm looking for have certainly narrowed somewhat. I used to love the idea of being a pain slut, but of course, after actually realising how much of a pansy I am, that idea's kinda out. There are a few other types of play that I'm no longer interested in after trying them for a bit - I've not had any particularly great experiences with violet wands, for example.
I've also really dropped down on my desire for roleplaying fantasies, which I know makes Daddy a bit sad. It's not even an active dislike for roleplaying, it's just, well, a general ennui for it. I dunno, I remember I used to roleplay at other times, but these days it's just not part of my libido, really.
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
I'm not exactly sure whether my actual interests have changed, or whether I just have a better grasp of what they are, but the sorts of thing that I'm looking for have certainly narrowed somewhat. I used to love the idea of being a pain slut, but of course, after actually realising how much of a pansy I am, that idea's kinda out. There are a few other types of play that I'm no longer interested in after trying them for a bit - I've not had any particularly great experiences with violet wands, for example.
I've also really dropped down on my desire for roleplaying fantasies, which I know makes Daddy a bit sad. It's not even an active dislike for roleplaying, it's just, well, a general ennui for it. I dunno, I remember I used to roleplay at other times, but these days it's just not part of my libido, really.
Day 22: Healthy Relationships
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
To be totally honest, I'm not sure there's terribly much of a difference.
First and foremost, there must be respect. A dom must respect their sub, and their sub must respect their dom in return. If two people are in a disrespectful position in regards to each other, the relationship is bound to become painful and angry, for no real benefit. So first, there must be respect.
Second, there must be open communication. There's this big stereotype that a sub just does whatever the dom wants, and never has their own desires, but I don't think that's typically the best idea. If a sub is never able to speak up, the relationship may turn abusive before anyone even knows it. So, a sub must always be able to speak their mind to their dom. How the dom chooses to deal with this information is up to them, but there must be communication regardless. This applies to the other way around of course, but that seems to be assumed by a lot of people, and so it's worth visiting. A dom who doesn't communicate to their sub does their sub a great disservice. Not knowing how they are going or adapting to their dom's desires and wishes is just going to result in the sub becoming confused and frustrated.
I had a whole lot of other points, but a lot of them are just more combinations of the above two. Respecting limits is important, as is knowing your own limits in the first place, Approaching problems in an adult fashion is very important as well, learning to argue properly, rather than just having shouting matches, etc. etc. are all very useful, and very important parts of any relationship, kink or vanilla.
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
To be totally honest, I'm not sure there's terribly much of a difference.
First and foremost, there must be respect. A dom must respect their sub, and their sub must respect their dom in return. If two people are in a disrespectful position in regards to each other, the relationship is bound to become painful and angry, for no real benefit. So first, there must be respect.
Second, there must be open communication. There's this big stereotype that a sub just does whatever the dom wants, and never has their own desires, but I don't think that's typically the best idea. If a sub is never able to speak up, the relationship may turn abusive before anyone even knows it. So, a sub must always be able to speak their mind to their dom. How the dom chooses to deal with this information is up to them, but there must be communication regardless. This applies to the other way around of course, but that seems to be assumed by a lot of people, and so it's worth visiting. A dom who doesn't communicate to their sub does their sub a great disservice. Not knowing how they are going or adapting to their dom's desires and wishes is just going to result in the sub becoming confused and frustrated.
I had a whole lot of other points, but a lot of them are just more combinations of the above two. Respecting limits is important, as is knowing your own limits in the first place, Approaching problems in an adult fashion is very important as well, learning to argue properly, rather than just having shouting matches, etc. etc. are all very useful, and very important parts of any relationship, kink or vanilla.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Day 21: Kink Literature
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
I'll be honest - I don't often read much outside the internet these days - one of those hobbies that have been crowded out by the internet. Still, I have a few favourite books on Kink and related stuff.
In terms of fiction, about the most BDSMy book I've enjoyed is Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not that brilliant a book. But, it's a damn sight better than the Gor novels I've read. Yeah, I've read them. I bought them from a second hand bookshop in Adelaide, thinking they couldn't possibly be that bad.
Boy, how wrong I was. I finished reading one, and then vowed to hide the rest of the novels, to save the world from such terrible, terrible writing. The subject matter? Meh. I can understand the appeal of the world he describes. I just find it incredible that people could wade through the writing within it!
But I digress.
In terms of non-fiction, I absolutely loved The Ethical Slut. It was a book that showed me a whole lot about opening myself up for the kinds of love and desires that have opened up for me since dating Daddy. To be fair, I'm still working on putting a lot of what I learnt in those books to use, but it was still quite the influential book to me. It helped me understand that yes, I can be poly and it can be alright. I can be in a kinky relationship and it's alright. And at the time, it was exactly the book I needed. So honestly, even though the book isn't technically BDSM-related, without it I'm not sure I could have genuinely opened myself up to the kind of relationship that I've gotten myself into, and frankly, I think that more than counts.
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
I'll be honest - I don't often read much outside the internet these days - one of those hobbies that have been crowded out by the internet. Still, I have a few favourite books on Kink and related stuff.
In terms of fiction, about the most BDSMy book I've enjoyed is Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not that brilliant a book. But, it's a damn sight better than the Gor novels I've read. Yeah, I've read them. I bought them from a second hand bookshop in Adelaide, thinking they couldn't possibly be that bad.
Boy, how wrong I was. I finished reading one, and then vowed to hide the rest of the novels, to save the world from such terrible, terrible writing. The subject matter? Meh. I can understand the appeal of the world he describes. I just find it incredible that people could wade through the writing within it!
But I digress.
In terms of non-fiction, I absolutely loved The Ethical Slut. It was a book that showed me a whole lot about opening myself up for the kinds of love and desires that have opened up for me since dating Daddy. To be fair, I'm still working on putting a lot of what I learnt in those books to use, but it was still quite the influential book to me. It helped me understand that yes, I can be poly and it can be alright. I can be in a kinky relationship and it's alright. And at the time, it was exactly the book I needed. So honestly, even though the book isn't technically BDSM-related, without it I'm not sure I could have genuinely opened myself up to the kind of relationship that I've gotten myself into, and frankly, I think that more than counts.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Day 20: Incomprehension
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
This one's a really hard one.
See, I have this... thing about understanding. I mean, I know, on a conscious level, that I don't actually understand everything, and that such a concept is ludicrous and possibly even slightly dangerous. But comprehension comes very naturally to me, a gift that has helped through much of my academic life, and helps me to navigate this very strange world I find myself in. The comprehension I have is never deep, but even a shallow understanding of something is often enough to make it less scary, and I wield knowledge like a little boy, scared of the dark, wields his flashlight.
So to write about something I don't understand would be a serious admission for me, a serious admission that there is something in this world that I do not understand, not even a little bit, not even at all. And that's a singularly terrifying thought.
But is there something in Kink that I don't understand? I guess there are some types of roleplay that I don't really get the appeal of personally, although I still rationally can come up with reasons why someone else would (Schoolroom scenes, for example, are decidedly unsexy for me). I don't really get the appeal of Scat play at all, and as noted previously, Pain isn't for me at all.
But do I really not understand these things? I can get why other people participate in them, even if I don't agree with those reasons. I dunno. Maybe I'm just that averse to honestly admitting that I don't know things. Either way, this is an... awkward question to ask!
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
This one's a really hard one.
See, I have this... thing about understanding. I mean, I know, on a conscious level, that I don't actually understand everything, and that such a concept is ludicrous and possibly even slightly dangerous. But comprehension comes very naturally to me, a gift that has helped through much of my academic life, and helps me to navigate this very strange world I find myself in. The comprehension I have is never deep, but even a shallow understanding of something is often enough to make it less scary, and I wield knowledge like a little boy, scared of the dark, wields his flashlight.
So to write about something I don't understand would be a serious admission for me, a serious admission that there is something in this world that I do not understand, not even a little bit, not even at all. And that's a singularly terrifying thought.
But is there something in Kink that I don't understand? I guess there are some types of roleplay that I don't really get the appeal of personally, although I still rationally can come up with reasons why someone else would (Schoolroom scenes, for example, are decidedly unsexy for me). I don't really get the appeal of Scat play at all, and as noted previously, Pain isn't for me at all.
But do I really not understand these things? I can get why other people participate in them, even if I don't agree with those reasons. I dunno. Maybe I'm just that averse to honestly admitting that I don't know things. Either way, this is an... awkward question to ask!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Day 19: Unexpected Improvements
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Well, I guess a way that kink has improved my life that I wasn't really expecting before I started the journey was how much I've started to learn about my needs.
In a way, this is more just due to the fact that I'm in a relationship with my Daddy - someone who has such a firm grip on themselves means that I've had to start working really hard on learning who I am, and what needs I have. Some of those have an obvious kink context - like my need to have structure in my life. Being submissive, and learning what worked and what didn't for my submission showed that actually, yes, not being disciplined with me is not a good thing for me.
There are a few expected ways it's improved my life - like being happier. But I guess that's not in the scope of this question!
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Well, I guess a way that kink has improved my life that I wasn't really expecting before I started the journey was how much I've started to learn about my needs.
In a way, this is more just due to the fact that I'm in a relationship with my Daddy - someone who has such a firm grip on themselves means that I've had to start working really hard on learning who I am, and what needs I have. Some of those have an obvious kink context - like my need to have structure in my life. Being submissive, and learning what worked and what didn't for my submission showed that actually, yes, not being disciplined with me is not a good thing for me.
There are a few expected ways it's improved my life - like being happier. But I guess that's not in the scope of this question!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Day 18: Pet Peeves
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Not many, honestly. I think the peeves that I generally have with the kink community are the same peeves I have with humanity in general. Like, for example, the general ageism of the populace, and how younger kinksters never seem to get a lot of respect (particularly bad for the young-but-experienced doms like Daddy, but also bad for young subbies whom everyone thinks are easy marks).
I mean, I could get peeved with the silly little protocols, like Capitalisation for Doms online, but honestly, I just can't summon the rage. I don't even really have that rage of "WHY!? WHY ARE KINKSTERS JUST AS BAD AS THE REST OF HUMANITY?!?!", because honestly, that's just assumed these days for me. Pretty much ever community has bad people in it, the real hallmark of a community is how it treats those bad people. I'm not going to say that the kink community is any worse at this than other groups I've been in, but that does still mean there's a lot of improvement needed. But that's politics for you.
About the only peeve I really have is the constant language wars about the right terms and the constant attacks on other people's languages. But again, that's nothing specific to the BDSM scene - Language wars happen pretty much everywhere on the internet, and really, it's just going to continue to happen, so long as people invest the energy they do into their language as identity. I could rage about it, but it'd be kinda pointless.
I guess tonight I'm just not feeling the rage. I'm sure there has been huge pet peeves in the pasts, maybe even into the present, but I just can't summon them up tonight.
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Not many, honestly. I think the peeves that I generally have with the kink community are the same peeves I have with humanity in general. Like, for example, the general ageism of the populace, and how younger kinksters never seem to get a lot of respect (particularly bad for the young-but-experienced doms like Daddy, but also bad for young subbies whom everyone thinks are easy marks).
I mean, I could get peeved with the silly little protocols, like Capitalisation for Doms online, but honestly, I just can't summon the rage. I don't even really have that rage of "WHY!? WHY ARE KINKSTERS JUST AS BAD AS THE REST OF HUMANITY?!?!", because honestly, that's just assumed these days for me. Pretty much ever community has bad people in it, the real hallmark of a community is how it treats those bad people. I'm not going to say that the kink community is any worse at this than other groups I've been in, but that does still mean there's a lot of improvement needed. But that's politics for you.
About the only peeve I really have is the constant language wars about the right terms and the constant attacks on other people's languages. But again, that's nothing specific to the BDSM scene - Language wars happen pretty much everywhere on the internet, and really, it's just going to continue to happen, so long as people invest the energy they do into their language as identity. I could rage about it, but it'd be kinda pointless.
I guess tonight I'm just not feeling the rage. I'm sure there has been huge pet peeves in the pasts, maybe even into the present, but I just can't summon them up tonight.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Day 17: Misconceptions
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
I think probably the biggest misconception that I'd like to point out to people is that kinky relationships are not equivalent to meek, subsumed little subby with domineering, control-freak dominant. It seems to be a really common misconception, and honestly, it bugs the hell out of me. Not least because I'm most certainly not in a relationship like that (although admittedly, you wouldn't know it if I'm with Daddy in an unfamiliar environment - I can be pretty shy if I don't know anyone around me). Kinky relationships look exactly like regular relationships - there's still that back-and-forth that goes on, with people on both sides making compromises and (preferably) communicating between each other. I'm sure there are relationships where one person never has any input into the relationship, and I'm sure there are even a few people who are happy with such relationships, but I don't think, somehow, that these are the majority relationships in the BDSM community.
Because those are the sorts of things that healthy relationships do. Any sort of relationship is a living, breathing thing, constantly changing, and thus constantly needing to be renegotiated. Now, a Dominant in a relationship is certainly going to have more power to get what they want out of these negotiations, but the Submissive needs to get something out of it as well! If they're not getting anything out of the relationship, why are they still there?
So yeah. When I see this conception of kinky relationships where the sub is just basically this shell? It bugs me a little. That's certainly not what my relationship is like, and honestly, I'm not sure that such a relationship is that healthy, in most cases.
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
I think probably the biggest misconception that I'd like to point out to people is that kinky relationships are not equivalent to meek, subsumed little subby with domineering, control-freak dominant. It seems to be a really common misconception, and honestly, it bugs the hell out of me. Not least because I'm most certainly not in a relationship like that (although admittedly, you wouldn't know it if I'm with Daddy in an unfamiliar environment - I can be pretty shy if I don't know anyone around me). Kinky relationships look exactly like regular relationships - there's still that back-and-forth that goes on, with people on both sides making compromises and (preferably) communicating between each other. I'm sure there are relationships where one person never has any input into the relationship, and I'm sure there are even a few people who are happy with such relationships, but I don't think, somehow, that these are the majority relationships in the BDSM community.
Because those are the sorts of things that healthy relationships do. Any sort of relationship is a living, breathing thing, constantly changing, and thus constantly needing to be renegotiated. Now, a Dominant in a relationship is certainly going to have more power to get what they want out of these negotiations, but the Submissive needs to get something out of it as well! If they're not getting anything out of the relationship, why are they still there?
So yeah. When I see this conception of kinky relationships where the sub is just basically this shell? It bugs me a little. That's certainly not what my relationship is like, and honestly, I'm not sure that such a relationship is that healthy, in most cases.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Day 16: Difficulties of the Life
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
I used to have a good answer to this question - The biggest challenge on a BDSM lifestyle was always how to situate it around your everyday life. It often felt like this magical world that could only ever enter the real world for short periods of time. Certainly, the two could never coexist together!
Of course, now I'm living the life, so clearly whatever challenges where happening in that part of my life have now neatly resolved themselves (or at least am working through them as we speak!). Learning what's appropriate where has been a rather simple puzzle to solve.
So what's my answer to the question now? I'm not sure. To be honest, the BDSM lifestyle's actually been pretty easy - the relationships always take effort and communication, but that's never been an insurmountable challenge. I guess at the moment, the big challenge is the old problem turned on it's head - these days, the challenge is the keep the BDSM thriving when there's a lot real life happening. But even then, that's not a big challenge - just sometimes, real life takes a front seat, and perhaps that's as it should be. It can sometimes feel that there's not a lot of kink going on, but we live our kink as part of our everyday lives - my bedtime, my chores, my attempts to place a schedule on my life with the help of my Daddy, these are all kink, just as much as they are real life. Sure, there's a lot less ropes and whips, but honestly, the life I have is a pretty damn good one right now! Not having a lot of play is rather made up for by the fact that I have a Daddy who'll help me whip myself into shape!
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
I used to have a good answer to this question - The biggest challenge on a BDSM lifestyle was always how to situate it around your everyday life. It often felt like this magical world that could only ever enter the real world for short periods of time. Certainly, the two could never coexist together!
Of course, now I'm living the life, so clearly whatever challenges where happening in that part of my life have now neatly resolved themselves (or at least am working through them as we speak!). Learning what's appropriate where has been a rather simple puzzle to solve.
So what's my answer to the question now? I'm not sure. To be honest, the BDSM lifestyle's actually been pretty easy - the relationships always take effort and communication, but that's never been an insurmountable challenge. I guess at the moment, the big challenge is the old problem turned on it's head - these days, the challenge is the keep the BDSM thriving when there's a lot real life happening. But even then, that's not a big challenge - just sometimes, real life takes a front seat, and perhaps that's as it should be. It can sometimes feel that there's not a lot of kink going on, but we live our kink as part of our everyday lives - my bedtime, my chores, my attempts to place a schedule on my life with the help of my Daddy, these are all kink, just as much as they are real life. Sure, there's a lot less ropes and whips, but honestly, the life I have is a pretty damn good one right now! Not having a lot of play is rather made up for by the fact that I have a Daddy who'll help me whip myself into shape!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Day 15: Curiousities
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
You know, I had to look up my BDSM checklist to find something to write about here - I'm a bit surprised at how diverse my experiences have been in BDSM to date (to be fair, a lot of that experience has been the tiniest of little tasters, but still, I've done a lot more than I think I have!)
But I realised that there is one thing that I am quite curious about, and would love to try - vacuum beds. I've occasionally seen them in use, but never been able to have a go at them, mainly because they are a serious trigger for Daddy. But they excite me, more than a little. The chance to be completely encased, completely immobile, completely vulnerable? To be honest, it's sort of the very epitome of why I like to be bound up - you get to feel the bed all over you, no part of your body goes untouched, and you get to push against something that's not going to give, even a little.
It's a really exciting idea for me, one I really want to try. Alas, it's going to have to be one of those activities that I'll have to arrange with someone else - there's no way Daddy would be there with me to do it, and I'd never ask for him to do it anyway. It goes back to what I was talking about yesterday - Real BDSM is making accomodations for your partner, and realising that somethings you're just never going to do with them. But, you know, you keep your ears open, watch out for the opportunities. It may very well happen someday!
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
You know, I had to look up my BDSM checklist to find something to write about here - I'm a bit surprised at how diverse my experiences have been in BDSM to date (to be fair, a lot of that experience has been the tiniest of little tasters, but still, I've done a lot more than I think I have!)
But I realised that there is one thing that I am quite curious about, and would love to try - vacuum beds. I've occasionally seen them in use, but never been able to have a go at them, mainly because they are a serious trigger for Daddy. But they excite me, more than a little. The chance to be completely encased, completely immobile, completely vulnerable? To be honest, it's sort of the very epitome of why I like to be bound up - you get to feel the bed all over you, no part of your body goes untouched, and you get to push against something that's not going to give, even a little.
It's a really exciting idea for me, one I really want to try. Alas, it's going to have to be one of those activities that I'll have to arrange with someone else - there's no way Daddy would be there with me to do it, and I'd never ask for him to do it anyway. It goes back to what I was talking about yesterday - Real BDSM is making accomodations for your partner, and realising that somethings you're just never going to do with them. But, you know, you keep your ears open, watch out for the opportunities. It may very well happen someday!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Day 14: Reality vs Fantasy
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Well, the obvious answer is that real life BDSM actually happens.
But seriously, the difference? Fantasy BDSM has all the difficult bits cut out. In a fantasy, things can make no sense at all and still be kinky. You can be locked in those chains for hours without any real side effects, You can have strange, magical abilities and noone's the wiser. You can assume, right off the top of the bat that the people you are playing with are as excited about your kink as you are, are totally consenting, and will go as far as you want them to. Whatever you want, is there in your head, right there for your viewing/experiential pleasure.
But the problem is, that perfect fantasy only has room for one person.
Real BDSM means having to deal with the limitations of the world. It means having to work with partners to find a compromise for the kink that you want. It means that sometimes, your partner isn't going to be comfortable with how far you want to go. It means that some really hot things just cause too much discomfort or pain to be able to actually do. It means that on occaision, you have to deal with your partner's kinks, and get excited about them sometimes too. It means that you have to stop the kink sometimes so you can go out into the real world and actually do that living thing.
But it means that you get to share that wonderful experience of Kink with another real life person. It means that you get to find wonderful new things that you would never have imagined you could want to do, and it turns out beautifully. It means that you get to laugh at all those awkward bits and pieces of a scene. It means that you get to actually talk to someone about what you want, and get the thrill of them being happy to try it for you. You get to love your partner/playmate, get to explore things, and then get to help them experience the things they want to. Sometimes you have to bow out, for whatever reason, but that's okay, because they know that you're a real person, not a fantasy, and they'll nurture and help you through whatever's going through your head.
That's the difference. Fantasy Kink is easy and simple, but it's by it's definition a lonely road. Real Kink is challenging, sometimes frustrating, but rewarding, because you're actually sharing an experience with the people around you.
Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Well, the obvious answer is that real life BDSM actually happens.
But seriously, the difference? Fantasy BDSM has all the difficult bits cut out. In a fantasy, things can make no sense at all and still be kinky. You can be locked in those chains for hours without any real side effects, You can have strange, magical abilities and noone's the wiser. You can assume, right off the top of the bat that the people you are playing with are as excited about your kink as you are, are totally consenting, and will go as far as you want them to. Whatever you want, is there in your head, right there for your viewing/experiential pleasure.
But the problem is, that perfect fantasy only has room for one person.
Real BDSM means having to deal with the limitations of the world. It means having to work with partners to find a compromise for the kink that you want. It means that sometimes, your partner isn't going to be comfortable with how far you want to go. It means that some really hot things just cause too much discomfort or pain to be able to actually do. It means that on occaision, you have to deal with your partner's kinks, and get excited about them sometimes too. It means that you have to stop the kink sometimes so you can go out into the real world and actually do that living thing.
But it means that you get to share that wonderful experience of Kink with another real life person. It means that you get to find wonderful new things that you would never have imagined you could want to do, and it turns out beautifully. It means that you get to laugh at all those awkward bits and pieces of a scene. It means that you get to actually talk to someone about what you want, and get the thrill of them being happy to try it for you. You get to love your partner/playmate, get to explore things, and then get to help them experience the things they want to. Sometimes you have to bow out, for whatever reason, but that's okay, because they know that you're a real person, not a fantasy, and they'll nurture and help you through whatever's going through your head.
That's the difference. Fantasy Kink is easy and simple, but it's by it's definition a lonely road. Real Kink is challenging, sometimes frustrating, but rewarding, because you're actually sharing an experience with the people around you.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Day 13: The Appeal of Kink
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
This is slightly tricky, because I'm not one of those people who look very closely at my desires. Still, I'll give it a go.
I think one of the appeals of kink in general is that I get to not be in charge. Because let's be honest here, I'm not a leader, and I don't think I'll ever be. If I ever get put in charge of things, my leadership style is always one of facilitator, not leader - I'll always work on making sure everyone's working without impediment, rather than imposing any real vision of my own.
But to be my Daddy's boy is to let someone else's vision into my life. I get to make my goals become my Daddy's goals. Well, okay, my Daddy's desires become my goals, to be absolutely correct. But still, having a Daddy or other Dominant person in my life gives me a sense of purpose - I can work towards assisting to make the desires of my Daddy come to life.
In a sense that can be a little dangerous, because I'm not known for putting my own desires out in front. One of the things I've learnt from Daddy is that I'm not actually capable of suppressing my own desires - I get very cranky very quickly. As much as I want to not have to worry about my own desires, this is clearly not something that I'm capable of. So, I have to temper my real desire to just be a conduit for my Daddy's desires, and my real need to have my own needs met. It's not something I'm perfect at yet, and not even something I'm terribly good at. But I'm sure I'll get there eventually.
Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
This is slightly tricky, because I'm not one of those people who look very closely at my desires. Still, I'll give it a go.
I think one of the appeals of kink in general is that I get to not be in charge. Because let's be honest here, I'm not a leader, and I don't think I'll ever be. If I ever get put in charge of things, my leadership style is always one of facilitator, not leader - I'll always work on making sure everyone's working without impediment, rather than imposing any real vision of my own.
But to be my Daddy's boy is to let someone else's vision into my life. I get to make my goals become my Daddy's goals. Well, okay, my Daddy's desires become my goals, to be absolutely correct. But still, having a Daddy or other Dominant person in my life gives me a sense of purpose - I can work towards assisting to make the desires of my Daddy come to life.
In a sense that can be a little dangerous, because I'm not known for putting my own desires out in front. One of the things I've learnt from Daddy is that I'm not actually capable of suppressing my own desires - I get very cranky very quickly. As much as I want to not have to worry about my own desires, this is clearly not something that I'm capable of. So, I have to temper my real desire to just be a conduit for my Daddy's desires, and my real need to have my own needs met. It's not something I'm perfect at yet, and not even something I'm terribly good at. But I'm sure I'll get there eventually.
Day 12: Humour
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
I think probably one of the most humorous BDSM experiences I've had was when me and Daddy went to a kink club which had horrible taste in music. Usually this club had fairly good music, but this particular week clearly someone had forgotten to bring the music, and they were substituting with someone else's playlist.
So there's Daddy, hitting me with a flogger when, I shit you not, "My Baby Takes the Morning Train" comes on. The music choices then had been pretty bad, but that song just took the cake. Daddy couldn't keep serious, he had to laugh, and then just started flogging me to the beat of the song, singing in a wonderfully sing-song voice all the way through. Frankly, I was amazed that we kept as straight a face as we did, it was just the most absurd situation to be in!
Of course, there are plenty of other humorous sex stories and the like - neither myself nor Daddy are particularly serious people, so of course we don't take sex seriously either. The number of times I've been naked in bed, and Daddy has decided to turn my Penis into a little sniffing puppet... well, I've lost count now. It's just something Daddy does (and he does it quite well - He's quite the puppeteer!). It's not really a kink thing, it's just that, well, penises are pretty silly looking, really.
And the number of times I've accidentally whacked Daddy in bed, or in intimate moment, is shameful, absolutely shameful. He still hasn't forgiven me for the hug malfunction that ended in him with a concussion...
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
I think probably one of the most humorous BDSM experiences I've had was when me and Daddy went to a kink club which had horrible taste in music. Usually this club had fairly good music, but this particular week clearly someone had forgotten to bring the music, and they were substituting with someone else's playlist.
So there's Daddy, hitting me with a flogger when, I shit you not, "My Baby Takes the Morning Train" comes on. The music choices then had been pretty bad, but that song just took the cake. Daddy couldn't keep serious, he had to laugh, and then just started flogging me to the beat of the song, singing in a wonderfully sing-song voice all the way through. Frankly, I was amazed that we kept as straight a face as we did, it was just the most absurd situation to be in!
Of course, there are plenty of other humorous sex stories and the like - neither myself nor Daddy are particularly serious people, so of course we don't take sex seriously either. The number of times I've been naked in bed, and Daddy has decided to turn my Penis into a little sniffing puppet... well, I've lost count now. It's just something Daddy does (and he does it quite well - He's quite the puppeteer!). It's not really a kink thing, it's just that, well, penises are pretty silly looking, really.
And the number of times I've accidentally whacked Daddy in bed, or in intimate moment, is shameful, absolutely shameful. He still hasn't forgiven me for the hug malfunction that ended in him with a concussion...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Day 11: Ethics
Part of my 30 Days of Kink
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Short answer: I think kink is perfectly allowable. As long as all people involved give informed consent to the activity, then we should not step in.
Long Answer: Hoo boy.
When I see people arguing about the ethics of kink, I always notice that people seem to hold the same general principles - that all people should give informed consent, and that as long as no harm comes to the participants, then people's actions are fine. Of course, the devil always lies in the details, specifically, the definitions of "harm" and "informed consent". Everyone, it seems, has a different idea of what these words mean, and that seems to make all the difference in the world as to what you think is acceptable.
But I think that, really, just shows that these sorts of discussions can only really be theoretical - every Kinkster has to make up their own mind as to what level of consent they will demand of their partner, and exactly what risks of harm they are willing to accept, and more importantly, each of us need to respect the decisions that other people make. We cannot make these decisions for anyone else, although certainly active and robust debate is very important in making sure those new to the scene have some conception of what they're getting into, and where to set their consent and risk levels accordingly. Honestly, I think one of the biggest issues anti-kinksters have with Kink in general is that they believe they have one-size-fits-all levels of consent and risk, and believe that any level more permissive than theirs must be eliminated "to protect us all", and honestly, noone likes being told what to think.
I also think, just as importantly, that we need to have those boring, honest conversations with our partners about their demands of consent and tolerance of risk, so we can make that choice as to whether we can engage meaningfully. It may mean that we can't play with certain individuals in the scene, but of course, that was probably going to be the case from the outset. We do need to try and engage in some self-awareness of our own ethics - how can you decide whether someone is consenting in an acceptable way to your actions if you've never thought about what consent really means?
In short, I think kink is perfectly allowable. As long as all people involved give informed consent to the activity, then we should not step in, and we should not presume that we know better than the people involved their demands of consent and tolerance of risk.
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Short answer: I think kink is perfectly allowable. As long as all people involved give informed consent to the activity, then we should not step in.
Long Answer: Hoo boy.
When I see people arguing about the ethics of kink, I always notice that people seem to hold the same general principles - that all people should give informed consent, and that as long as no harm comes to the participants, then people's actions are fine. Of course, the devil always lies in the details, specifically, the definitions of "harm" and "informed consent". Everyone, it seems, has a different idea of what these words mean, and that seems to make all the difference in the world as to what you think is acceptable.
But I think that, really, just shows that these sorts of discussions can only really be theoretical - every Kinkster has to make up their own mind as to what level of consent they will demand of their partner, and exactly what risks of harm they are willing to accept, and more importantly, each of us need to respect the decisions that other people make. We cannot make these decisions for anyone else, although certainly active and robust debate is very important in making sure those new to the scene have some conception of what they're getting into, and where to set their consent and risk levels accordingly. Honestly, I think one of the biggest issues anti-kinksters have with Kink in general is that they believe they have one-size-fits-all levels of consent and risk, and believe that any level more permissive than theirs must be eliminated "to protect us all", and honestly, noone likes being told what to think.
I also think, just as importantly, that we need to have those boring, honest conversations with our partners about their demands of consent and tolerance of risk, so we can make that choice as to whether we can engage meaningfully. It may mean that we can't play with certain individuals in the scene, but of course, that was probably going to be the case from the outset. We do need to try and engage in some self-awareness of our own ethics - how can you decide whether someone is consenting in an acceptable way to your actions if you've never thought about what consent really means?
In short, I think kink is perfectly allowable. As long as all people involved give informed consent to the activity, then we should not step in, and we should not presume that we know better than the people involved their demands of consent and tolerance of risk.
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