Lacking Passion

Last night, me and Daddy had another one of our Deep and Meaningfuls. Daddy had started a brand new project to help homelessness in his community, and was disturbed at my lack of enthusiasm about it. He kept pushing me until I finally admitted that I didn't want to be enthusiastic about the project, with various excuses being thrown out. This kept going forth until we got down to the root of the matter - I don't want to be emotional at all. To be enthusiastic about the project would mean I'd have to have some emotional response, and emotion, to me, is still the enemy.

Daddy made a comment during the discussion that this attitude of mine made it incredibly difficult for him to scene with me - I can't "get into" the scene enough for him to be able to connect with me, which for him is the entire point of a scene. I have a stunning tendency to just "disconnect" from the world on a pretty much constant basis. And I self-reinforce it, all the time. Because I try not to experience my emotions, they naturally bottle up, and when I feel them, the explode all over the place - which, really, doesn't make me desire to experience them more often.

Daddy is planning to make me work on experiencing these things, but honestly I'm not sure how much I want to do it. I mean, yes, I want to be able to scene with my Daddy, I want to be able to connect with him, I want to be able to have a relationship that's fulfilling for both of us. But I'm really invested in my identity as a logical, intellectual person (even if that identity has frayed a lot in the last few years), and I still have this gut reaction against the idea of actually expressing and feeling emotions. It pulls against pretty much 25 years of keeping my emotions away from my me. Even if he pushes, will I go with it? Do I want the benefits enough to be willing to make the effort? I can feel myself railing against the idea - it's so foreign to me, it's scary. Can I really get past the fear of self-change?

If there's one thing I do feel, it's fear and anxiety for what's ahead. I don't think I can do this, even with help. How can I change something that's so vital to my own self-image? How can I shift a part of myself that has become a major self-defence mechanism against the various shit that goes through my life? How can I learn to connect to people when not connecting to the world at all is how I manage to not break down crying every day? Can I really be part of a D/s relationship when I refuse to become truly vulnerable and connect with my Daddy?

It all goddamn terrifies me, and I don't know where to go. I don't want to lose everything but I don't want to lose who I am, and I'm afraid that this is such a huge change that should I do it, I will literally become a completely different person. And I kinda like who I am now. What if I become someone terrible? What if during this whole thing I break down and become a useless emotional basketcase? What if after this change Daddy decides he doesn't like who I've become and leaves me? Worse, what if I can't do it, at all, and Daddy can't deal with the fact that I'll never be in touch enough with my emotions to connect?

I keep wanting to end this, but it just keeps coming out. I feel like I want to end this with some comment about how despite all these issues, I'll still do it, because he's my Daddy. But that's just it - will I? I certainly don't want to do it, even if I know rationally that it might be good for me. What feelings I have seem hell-bent on me opting out of this whole idea. I think I may just have to end this without resolution, alas.

Partners and Crazy

For a while now, I've been making rather vague noises about looking for other partners.. But really, that's all it's been - vague noises. The idea of actually going out and looking for more partners was always a little bit uncomfortable for me, so even if I had profiles on dating site, I never really bothered that much. But after our trip to Macushla Farm, Daddy had had his imagination fired up by the possibilities of kinky family holidays, and so Daddy decided to sit down with me and start pushing for those vague noises to to become clearer plans for partners.

As one might expect, this did not go down so well. Those vague plans had been vague mainly because I'd never dared think any further than vague feelings on the matter. Daddy pushing it further just made me try and run harder from it, and it took quite some time to track down the cause.

And that cause? Well, it's rather simple - I'm not confident in my ability to sustain another relationship with full communication. We al know that communication is not my strong suit (hence the entire reason for this blog), and while communication is incredibly important in any relationship, it's absolutely vital for relationships with multiple partners. And it doesn't help that Daddy has always been the jealous type around me. You never want to make your Daddy unhappy, or uncomfortable, and talking about what you're doing with other partners to someone who tends to get jealous just fires that all up.

And hell, talking about sex and BDSM is a huge thing for me - it takes huge amounts of effort for me to have a frank and open conversation on those subjects, thanks to previous programming. While I'm making progress, it's still incredibly hard.

But I don't think I really have much of a choice anymore.

Tonight I went to Kinky, and probably for the first time in a while I had this crazy urge to top someone. This doesn't happen terribly often, but while Daddy was out suspending people, I was around doing not much in particular, and after some self-testing with my TENS unit with some help from a friend of mine, I started really craving play with someone else. Alas, my sensation-play friend ended up not coming to Kinky tonight, so I didn't get my regular play. And while I chatted to other people, I didn't feel terribly comfortable in trolling for play on my own.

These desires have become more and more frequent in the last while. They don't often come out around Daddy (there's just no way I could top him at all), but in fantasies in my head, me being top has been getting more and more frequent.

So, it's become official - I seriously need a partner to top.

But to get a new partner, I need to actually start forcing myself to do shit like, I dunno, define what kind of partner I'm really looking for. And that's shit, because I have never done that in the history of my relationships. I have a tendency to fall for people, and I have pursued from time to time, but it's always been people, not types. I never think about what kinds of people I want to go out with, because there's usually a specific person who's either expressed interest in me, or who I've tried to actively pursue, so well, the whole target thing is sorted straight away.

But now I don't have that. No single person I'm gunning for. I have to actually start the process of dating, of talking to random strangers and chatting, and figuring out if this is the kind of person I want. The last bit I have some practice in, but the first bit? Still very scary for someone who is, despite appearances, still a very shy, awkward boy, who has very little experience in this whole looking for people thing.

And honestly? I know that the only way forward is, well, forward - to start looking, start learning these things from the beginning. Everyone has to do it at some point. But that fear... It's a scary, scary thing to do.