Partners and Crazy

For a while now, I've been making rather vague noises about looking for other partners.. But really, that's all it's been - vague noises. The idea of actually going out and looking for more partners was always a little bit uncomfortable for me, so even if I had profiles on dating site, I never really bothered that much. But after our trip to Macushla Farm, Daddy had had his imagination fired up by the possibilities of kinky family holidays, and so Daddy decided to sit down with me and start pushing for those vague noises to to become clearer plans for partners.

As one might expect, this did not go down so well. Those vague plans had been vague mainly because I'd never dared think any further than vague feelings on the matter. Daddy pushing it further just made me try and run harder from it, and it took quite some time to track down the cause.

And that cause? Well, it's rather simple - I'm not confident in my ability to sustain another relationship with full communication. We al know that communication is not my strong suit (hence the entire reason for this blog), and while communication is incredibly important in any relationship, it's absolutely vital for relationships with multiple partners. And it doesn't help that Daddy has always been the jealous type around me. You never want to make your Daddy unhappy, or uncomfortable, and talking about what you're doing with other partners to someone who tends to get jealous just fires that all up.

And hell, talking about sex and BDSM is a huge thing for me - it takes huge amounts of effort for me to have a frank and open conversation on those subjects, thanks to previous programming. While I'm making progress, it's still incredibly hard.

But I don't think I really have much of a choice anymore.

Tonight I went to Kinky, and probably for the first time in a while I had this crazy urge to top someone. This doesn't happen terribly often, but while Daddy was out suspending people, I was around doing not much in particular, and after some self-testing with my TENS unit with some help from a friend of mine, I started really craving play with someone else. Alas, my sensation-play friend ended up not coming to Kinky tonight, so I didn't get my regular play. And while I chatted to other people, I didn't feel terribly comfortable in trolling for play on my own.

These desires have become more and more frequent in the last while. They don't often come out around Daddy (there's just no way I could top him at all), but in fantasies in my head, me being top has been getting more and more frequent.

So, it's become official - I seriously need a partner to top.

But to get a new partner, I need to actually start forcing myself to do shit like, I dunno, define what kind of partner I'm really looking for. And that's shit, because I have never done that in the history of my relationships. I have a tendency to fall for people, and I have pursued from time to time, but it's always been people, not types. I never think about what kinds of people I want to go out with, because there's usually a specific person who's either expressed interest in me, or who I've tried to actively pursue, so well, the whole target thing is sorted straight away.

But now I don't have that. No single person I'm gunning for. I have to actually start the process of dating, of talking to random strangers and chatting, and figuring out if this is the kind of person I want. The last bit I have some practice in, but the first bit? Still very scary for someone who is, despite appearances, still a very shy, awkward boy, who has very little experience in this whole looking for people thing.

And honestly? I know that the only way forward is, well, forward - to start looking, start learning these things from the beginning. Everyone has to do it at some point. But that fear... It's a scary, scary thing to do.