Seeking Self: Improvement

This blog, as might be shown by it's title, is supposed to be a way of me learning more about myself, since I have a lot of trouble with not knowing a great deal of myself. This is not just about my kinky side, but also my general self as well. As part of this, Daddy has given me a task to perform: Each week, I'm to complete a prompt of his, to talk about a certain part of myself, and to learn a bit more about myself. This is prompt number one:

How do you wish to better yourself, in the long term?

There are many things about myself that I wish to improve.

I want to become a person who isn't afraid of failure - someone who is willing to try things, even if I'm not entirely sure I'll succeed. The fear of failure paralyses me so much, I want to live a life where I will take risks and not care.

I want to have more emotions. I don't think I want control, per se - I think I already spend too much time controlling my emotions, and I think that control stops me from being able to experience those emotions. I want to be able to experience emotions in more than just a bodily context - I don't want to have to deduce what I'm feeling.

I want to be more present in the world. This one might be connected to the previous, but it's still important. I spent huge amounts of effort trying not to engage with the world, trying to protect myself from the bad things of the world. But I think those efforts are stopping me from enjoying the good things too. I don't get enthusiastic about things, I don't jump into fandoms anymore. I don't have any real obsessions anymore, nothing to engage me that doesn't involve work or my Daddy. I know why I put myself in the position I'm in (because I went through a few years of real suck, and so those behaviours that I always did got ramped up to try and get me back to functional), but I think that those behaviours are now holding me back. I want to be an exceptional person, in some way, but I know that being exceptional require focus, drive, passion. People who don't care about things don't become great people, because you have to push yourself to great heights.

I want to be sure of myself. With the addictions that I've dealt with (and still deal with), I don't think I really trust what I think anymore. I'm constantly vigilant, always questioning whether the things I want are actually what I want, or the addiction talking. I spent so long thinking my addictions were kinda normal, now I don't know what's normal and what's a step back to who I used to be. So far as I know, most people have at least a bedrock of beliefs about who they are, and what they want with their relationships and desires. Me? I have desires that I know are unhealthy and that I'm not allowed to accept. And I don't really have a lot of ideas on replacements for those unhealthy ideas. Daddy keeps telling me that the first step to new relationships is knowing what you're looking for, but I can't look for anything because I don't know that my intentions are ever right. When I keep interrogating my desires, they fall apart, but nothing comes up to replace them. Even the places in my life where I've clearly made good choices, I'm constantly doubting whether I'm really happy with those choices (see: lacking presence). About the only thing I'm certain about is Daddy, and even then, sometimes I feel doubts about my relationship. They don't last - I know I'm happy here. But they keep coming.

I think that's plenty of places for improvement for the moment.