I have a puppy inside of me.
As much as I identify as a boy, I really do enjoy puppy play. I'm not sure if I love it enough that I want to base my entire world around it, but it's definitely one of my favourite styles of play.
Last Thursday me and my Daddy went to a Leather Forum, due to some unforseen circumnstances, we ended up watching a documentary on a Pup and his daddy. It was an absolute charming documentary, and brought a few things to the fore for me, including a few differences in how I perceive puppy play as opposed to how the Pup described his experiences.
A lot of Pups describe their experience of puppy-play as almost a subsuming of themselves into the puppy, in such a way that while they are a puppy, the cares and worries of the world just don't matter - for all intents and purposes, they become a puppy in mind and body, and that's one of the attractions for them - they can not care about their human lives for a while.
I'm not sure I'd describe my experiences that way, though. To me, when I'm in puppy space, I don't disappear at all. What usually happens is that I take a back seat - I'm still aware of everything that's happening, but I'm not the one calling the shots. Instead, Pup is. If someone says something to me while I'm in Pup mode, I still hear it, and I may still mentally respond to it, but Pup doesn't - well, unless it's an order or if it's an offer of pats!
In a lot of ways, it feels like Pup is some completely different entity to me, some other creature that's linked to me. I can get Pup to do things every so often, and I can influence Pup's behaviour in certain ways, but Pup has priority when he's in charge. If I can borrow terminology from the multiple community, it's sortof a co-fronting arrangement. We're both there, and we're both aware of each other, but one's always in charge - the other just gets to watch and have consulting privileges.
On the other hand though, I can sense that Pup is not a "real" creature in my head. Pup's not very well-formed, and there are often gaps in his self, especially if he's in a new environment. For example, last night someone was practising with a dragontail whip while Pup was around. Pup's not been around Dragontails before, and didn't have a response for it. At that point, I had to "fill in" that part of Pup's personality - in this case, I decided that Pup was afraid of Dragontails, and started hiding. When Daddy came into the room, Pup hid behind him, which was kindof cute. Once I'd filled in that detail, Pup reacted to stimuli just as I'd expected. This happens a bit - At a previous event, I'd decided that Pup barks at moving lights (which makes bringing Pup out at events in clubs kindof interesting.
I guess in a way, Pup is kinda semi-autonomous. Pup is clearly something I've built in my head, but once I set him in one way, it's difficult for me to set him on another path. It will be very interesting to see where pup goes from this point forward.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
This Beautiful Boy Is An Addict
This week, I celebrated my 450th day of sobriety.
No, I'm not an alcoholic, and I've never been a drug addict. My sobriety takes a very interesting form instead - It has now been 455 days since I last jerked off to porn.
Now, a lot of people would say that that's silly - there's no such thing as porn addiction - that's something that Anti-sex people bandy about to try and impose their will on the public, to bring down the BDSMers. And when people take this tack, they point out there's nothing to get addicted to - porn is just an activity. And I think that for the vast majority of people, this is true - a lot of people watch porn, get a lot of pleasure out of it, and never get addicted at all to it.
I however, was not that lucky. Porn for me started to become a problem, a serious one, in fact. My porn watching became a major force in my life, I'd spend nights finding new porn constantly, since any given video or picture would have a very short life span. I was always looking for something new, interesting, exotic, dangerous - the minute something became banal, it was no longer worth watching.
In short, my porn watching became an escape, an escape from a life that I was never really happy with, with a partner that was becoming less and less in love with. I jerked off to porn to give me a quick happy that would make the badness of my life disappear for a while.
Of course, I didn't know that at the time. It took my Daddy to finally make the connection that my problem was a real addiction, after he saw the kind of porn that I had started to watch. We eventually realised that I was really using my entire sexuality as an addictive escape from the real word, and had been since I before I was legally an adult. I think I can honestly say that I relied quite a lot on our relationship to maintain my sobriety over those first few months, for which I thank him so very much for.
I bring up this addiction because, as you might expect, it makes for some unfortunately problems in the kink scene, as well as in my normal explorations of my own sexuality. Because watching porn by myself is now entirely off-limits, I don't have the ability to see if I like a particular kink by watching porn and seeing if it gets me off. And hell, even if I did, it wouldn't prove anything - by the end, there was very little porn that I didn't consider hot (although very vanilla stuff became rather passe). Anything new would probably turn me on, but I couldn't trust if that was something I was really interested in, or whether I was getting hot because I was watching porn.
It also means that I often get very uncomfortable at kink events, since there's often porn playing in the background (or other people playing in the background). While these days I'm getting better, there's always a residual anxiety whenever porn is in the room. At the very least, it starts getting difficult to feel sexy, because I have to start intellectualising my surroundings, which is a very simple way of killing my interest in sex.
And things get worse when you combine it with the other traumas that I've had. Right now, it's nearly impossible for me to try reaching out to other people in the scene to explore things that my Daddy can't or won't explore with me, because the idea of asking someone to do something with me purely on a sexual level makes me really anxious, even if I know them quite well. I get just as anxious if people ask me directly as well. It's frustrating as hell, and I don't really have any way of getting past it yet.
Maybe one day I'll manage to reach a healthy sexuality, and I hope that my kink and my relationship with my Daddy will continue to be the healthy influences that they are now.
Maybe.
No, I'm not an alcoholic, and I've never been a drug addict. My sobriety takes a very interesting form instead - It has now been 455 days since I last jerked off to porn.
Now, a lot of people would say that that's silly - there's no such thing as porn addiction - that's something that Anti-sex people bandy about to try and impose their will on the public, to bring down the BDSMers. And when people take this tack, they point out there's nothing to get addicted to - porn is just an activity. And I think that for the vast majority of people, this is true - a lot of people watch porn, get a lot of pleasure out of it, and never get addicted at all to it.
I however, was not that lucky. Porn for me started to become a problem, a serious one, in fact. My porn watching became a major force in my life, I'd spend nights finding new porn constantly, since any given video or picture would have a very short life span. I was always looking for something new, interesting, exotic, dangerous - the minute something became banal, it was no longer worth watching.
In short, my porn watching became an escape, an escape from a life that I was never really happy with, with a partner that was becoming less and less in love with. I jerked off to porn to give me a quick happy that would make the badness of my life disappear for a while.
Of course, I didn't know that at the time. It took my Daddy to finally make the connection that my problem was a real addiction, after he saw the kind of porn that I had started to watch. We eventually realised that I was really using my entire sexuality as an addictive escape from the real word, and had been since I before I was legally an adult. I think I can honestly say that I relied quite a lot on our relationship to maintain my sobriety over those first few months, for which I thank him so very much for.
I bring up this addiction because, as you might expect, it makes for some unfortunately problems in the kink scene, as well as in my normal explorations of my own sexuality. Because watching porn by myself is now entirely off-limits, I don't have the ability to see if I like a particular kink by watching porn and seeing if it gets me off. And hell, even if I did, it wouldn't prove anything - by the end, there was very little porn that I didn't consider hot (although very vanilla stuff became rather passe). Anything new would probably turn me on, but I couldn't trust if that was something I was really interested in, or whether I was getting hot because I was watching porn.
It also means that I often get very uncomfortable at kink events, since there's often porn playing in the background (or other people playing in the background). While these days I'm getting better, there's always a residual anxiety whenever porn is in the room. At the very least, it starts getting difficult to feel sexy, because I have to start intellectualising my surroundings, which is a very simple way of killing my interest in sex.
And things get worse when you combine it with the other traumas that I've had. Right now, it's nearly impossible for me to try reaching out to other people in the scene to explore things that my Daddy can't or won't explore with me, because the idea of asking someone to do something with me purely on a sexual level makes me really anxious, even if I know them quite well. I get just as anxious if people ask me directly as well. It's frustrating as hell, and I don't really have any way of getting past it yet.
Maybe one day I'll manage to reach a healthy sexuality, and I hope that my kink and my relationship with my Daddy will continue to be the healthy influences that they are now.
Maybe.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Hideaway Boy
In the past few months I have been working to complete a BDSM checklist for my Daddy. Yes, you heard me, the past few months. It's been a long and difficult process for me.
A big reason is the fact that filling out a BDSM checklist takes a lot of introspection. You have to be able to look at yourself honestly, and fill out the form on a variety of activities. It's effectively a big inventory of yourself. And that is something I am so very not good at.
Also, as a submissive of any stripe, it can be very easy to just go with the flow, and try to align what you want with what your dominant wants. After all, your Dominant's in charge, right? So what you want is what your dom wants! Easy. Except it doesn't really work that way except in cheesy porn stories. We're simply not that malleable. Still, it's very hard to resist the temptation to put your self in your dominant's hands, for the simple reason that it means that you no longer have to deal with it. As hard as that temptation is to resist though, to give in is supremely unfair to everyone involved. Believe it or not, it is not actually your dominant's responsibility to decide what you like.
In a previous relationship, my partner had this particular tendency, a tendency to not be able to say no to anything. I became aware of this fairly early on in the relationship, and because I loved them, I began to assume responsibility for checking her consent. I would always be subconsciously looking at their behaviour, watching them to make sure that nothing was going wrong, that they hadn't suddenly dropped out of the act, because I couldn't trust that they would tell me if something had happened. When that relationship ended, I came to the conclusion that actually, this was horribly unfair. Why was it that I had to be responsible for both my consent and theirs? They never checked my consent. It wasn't that we kept each other in check, it was all on me, and I had never asked for that.
Of course, it's been some time since I've realised that I do exactly the same thing to my Daddy. It's not a nice thing to realise, and I try really hard not to, but of course this is a learning process, and I fail more often than I succeed. It takes a lot of effort to speak up, to be willing to interrupt. But to not try is not acceptable to me. It's not fair to deposit the burden of my consent onto my Daddy, or anyone for that matter. The person who should have control over my consent should be none other than myself, and I strive to reach that point.
And this is why this checklist is important to me, and simultaneously why it's so damn difficult. It's an opportunity for me to actually push the envelope in accepting my consent, to actually gain some insight into what I like and don't like, and present it to my Daddy, so that, for once, he doesn't have to guess, doesn't have to watch my body language, doesn't have to wonder whether I'm going to be able to accept something. It'll all be there in black and white.
Now, this is not to say that when the events come up there won't be negotiation and such. I still have to actively consent to things, a checklist doesn't change that. But at least this list will push me into thinking about these things for a change, and I might just have an answer when it comes to it.
A big reason is the fact that filling out a BDSM checklist takes a lot of introspection. You have to be able to look at yourself honestly, and fill out the form on a variety of activities. It's effectively a big inventory of yourself. And that is something I am so very not good at.
Also, as a submissive of any stripe, it can be very easy to just go with the flow, and try to align what you want with what your dominant wants. After all, your Dominant's in charge, right? So what you want is what your dom wants! Easy. Except it doesn't really work that way except in cheesy porn stories. We're simply not that malleable. Still, it's very hard to resist the temptation to put your self in your dominant's hands, for the simple reason that it means that you no longer have to deal with it. As hard as that temptation is to resist though, to give in is supremely unfair to everyone involved. Believe it or not, it is not actually your dominant's responsibility to decide what you like.
In a previous relationship, my partner had this particular tendency, a tendency to not be able to say no to anything. I became aware of this fairly early on in the relationship, and because I loved them, I began to assume responsibility for checking her consent. I would always be subconsciously looking at their behaviour, watching them to make sure that nothing was going wrong, that they hadn't suddenly dropped out of the act, because I couldn't trust that they would tell me if something had happened. When that relationship ended, I came to the conclusion that actually, this was horribly unfair. Why was it that I had to be responsible for both my consent and theirs? They never checked my consent. It wasn't that we kept each other in check, it was all on me, and I had never asked for that.
Of course, it's been some time since I've realised that I do exactly the same thing to my Daddy. It's not a nice thing to realise, and I try really hard not to, but of course this is a learning process, and I fail more often than I succeed. It takes a lot of effort to speak up, to be willing to interrupt. But to not try is not acceptable to me. It's not fair to deposit the burden of my consent onto my Daddy, or anyone for that matter. The person who should have control over my consent should be none other than myself, and I strive to reach that point.
And this is why this checklist is important to me, and simultaneously why it's so damn difficult. It's an opportunity for me to actually push the envelope in accepting my consent, to actually gain some insight into what I like and don't like, and present it to my Daddy, so that, for once, he doesn't have to guess, doesn't have to watch my body language, doesn't have to wonder whether I'm going to be able to accept something. It'll all be there in black and white.
Now, this is not to say that when the events come up there won't be negotiation and such. I still have to actively consent to things, a checklist doesn't change that. But at least this list will push me into thinking about these things for a change, and I might just have an answer when it comes to it.
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