Hideaway Boy

In the past few months I have been working to complete a BDSM checklist for my Daddy. Yes, you heard me, the past few months. It's been a long and difficult process for me.

A big reason is the fact that filling out a BDSM checklist takes a lot of introspection. You have to be able to look at yourself honestly, and fill out the form on a variety of activities. It's effectively a big inventory of yourself. And that is something I am so very not good at.

Also, as a submissive of any stripe, it can be very easy to just go with the flow, and try to align what you want with what your dominant wants. After all, your Dominant's in charge, right? So what you want is what your dom wants! Easy. Except it doesn't really work that way except in cheesy porn stories. We're simply not that malleable. Still, it's very hard to resist the temptation to put your self in your dominant's hands, for the simple reason that it means that you no longer have to deal with it. As hard as that temptation is to resist though, to give in is supremely unfair to everyone involved. Believe it or not, it is not actually your dominant's responsibility to decide what you like.

In a previous relationship, my partner had this particular tendency, a tendency to not be able to say no to anything. I became aware of this fairly early on in the relationship, and because I loved them, I began to assume responsibility for checking her consent. I would always be subconsciously looking at their behaviour, watching them to make sure that nothing was going wrong, that they hadn't suddenly dropped out of the act, because I couldn't trust that they would tell me if something had happened. When that relationship ended, I came to the conclusion that actually, this was horribly unfair. Why was it that I had to be responsible for both my consent and theirs? They never checked my consent. It wasn't that we kept each other in check, it was all on me, and I had never asked for that.

Of course, it's been some time since I've realised that I do exactly the same thing to my Daddy. It's not a nice thing to realise, and I try really hard not to, but of course this is a learning process, and I fail more often than I succeed. It takes a lot of effort to speak up, to be willing to interrupt. But to not try is not acceptable to me. It's not fair to deposit the burden of my consent onto my Daddy, or anyone for that matter. The person who should have control over my consent should be none other than myself, and I strive to reach that point.

And this is why this checklist is important to me, and simultaneously why it's so damn difficult. It's an opportunity for me to actually push the envelope in accepting my consent, to actually gain some insight into what I like and don't like, and present it to my Daddy, so that, for once, he doesn't have to guess, doesn't have to watch my body language, doesn't have to wonder whether I'm going to be able to accept something. It'll all be there in black and white.

Now, this is not to say that when the events come up there won't be negotiation and such. I still have to actively consent to things, a checklist doesn't change that. But at least this list will push me into thinking about these things for a change, and I might just have an answer when it comes to it.