Fantasies and Goals

So, my last post I noticed myself making a curious distinction - There was this big idea in my head that things I definitely want to do, are more goals, rather than fantasies. If I think something in my head is something I want to do, it's not considered a fantasy.

On the other hand, Daddy often points that every single one of his fantasies is something that he would like to do. He doesn't like fantasizing about things that he knows will never happen, because, among other things, he considers it pointless - why spend mental time thinking about something that you're never going to do?

It's something of a conflict point for the two of us, as Daddy gets frustrated at how rarely I seem to come up with fantasies he can participate in and work with me in, and thus he doesn't get a lot of knowledge on what I want to do with him (and that last one's definitely a fair complaint. I think a lot of it goes down to why I fantasize, which is this: I fantasize to get away from reality, not to plan it.

For me, my fantasies have always been about escape. When I was very young, I would spend a lot of evenings in my parent's backyard, weaving big, elaborate fantasies in my head, and imagining those fantasies. These were often big, epic science fiction-type fantasies, with heavily fantastical elements. Now, at the time, my school life wasn't a terribly happy one - for most of my school life I was bullied terribly, and while I liked school work, I often stressed about getting things in on time.

When I reached adolescence (which was still quite a stressful time), I still used fantasies as a way of escaping the world, and once I discovered masturbation, this same process of fantasy just got translated into sexual fantasy. When I fantasized about sexual imagery, I wasn't constrained by reality (or even knowledge - a lot of my early fantasies showed astoundingly little knowledge of human anatomy!). At the same time, I definitely wasn't getting invited to the kinds of parties where teen sex was going on, so I never got any actual sexual experience (of either gender) for most of my school years.

And so these days, my fantasies (while a little more realistic) still incorporate massive amounts of truly fantastical elements, and for me, this is fine - I honestly don't expect any of my fantasies to come true, and if they did, it'd probably seriously freak me out.

However, this leads to a problem - Because this escapism is a happy experience for me, I'd much rather escape than honestly think about the type of sex and kink that I'm looking to actually perform with my Daddy (or any other partner, for that matter). So, it leads to the problem mentioned earlier - Daddy can't really get excited about sex with me because the fantasies I provide he can't use, and when I try to come up with ideas that I definitely want to do, I get stuck, because I just don't end up fantasizing about things that I ever expect to do.

Part of the reason I started making the Fantasy Boy posts is because of this problem - it was a way of trying to give my Daddy an insight into my fantasies, but the first attempt went rather awry - when I tried to come up with fantasies with no real fantastical elements, I still ended up with fantasies that were physically impossible, or where things that my Daddy doesn't have the resources to arrange for me. This month I tried to honestly find fantasies that I know we can do in the short term, but that kind of thinking is so incredibly restricting to me. It's not only a tiny subset of the things I fantasize about, it's also a list of things that don't really come up in the kind of fantasies I masturbate to.

And while the escapism is a big thing, I think this also comes down to the other big problem - I have great difficulties talking about sex, and what I want in sex, even to myself. And that's an issue that I can't avoid - if I want Daddy to stay engaged sexually with me, I can't just say "do whatever" - that's not how things work.

Fantasy Boy for February, 2010

Once again, I offer to allow you into my crazy head, and offer you a selection of sexual fantasies from within my head. In deference to my Daddy, who does seriously want some fantasies he can follow through on, this month I work even harder on fantasies that are actually doable in real life.

Cock in a Cage
This one should be no surprise, but a fantasy that comes up a lot is the fantasy of my cock being locked away in a chastity device. Although I'm not sure if this counts as a fantasy or a fantasy element, because this come up in a lot of different fantasy stories. In some fantasies, I'm locked up, and then left in some public sex venue, to please any and all people who desire, but never being able to be pleasured myself (Ha! It's worth pointing that I get a whole lot more pleasure out of bottoming!). There are fantasies of my Daddy, for whatever reason being taken from my life, and the cage still being on, because of course, I could never unlock whatever my daddy has locked away.

I think a lot of this fantasy is connected to the issues I have around sex in general, and about my sexuality in specific. To be locked up? It's to deny me one of the major parts of myself, to put myself purely in the service of others. It means I don't have to be concerned about my sex drive, or my pleasure - I can choose for sex to be purely an act given to another, robbing sex of a lot of power in my mind.

Anal Training
As much a goal as it is a fantasy (ooh! What an interesting distinction. I shall write about that next post, I think!), I have a great desire to be trained to have a much more pliable butt. As much as I enjoy anal sex, My butt is naturally very tight, and I'm a very anxious person. I keep imagining being forced through a training regime, regardless of the pain or the discomfort, having my butt stretched out, of being able to take more than a couple of fingers without half an hour of preparation.

It's a very odd fantasy, to be sure, so very small and low. The fact is, I love anal so much, and I really wish it wasn't, well, such a pain in the arse. I want to be able to have a much wider range of anal play than I do now.

It's getting late, and it's very close to my bedtime. I think I will leave it at that for this month of Fantasy Boy!

Why Submit?

Why be submissive? Why be a boy when I can be a man?

Because when you let go of your independence, when you choose to let someone else take control, You know that you've made that choice. That in that instant, you have _chosen_ to give your all to someone. That, rather than accept the hierarchies that we must deal with from day to day, in that one instant, you have _made_ that heirarchy.

Because when I cuddle into my Daddy's arms, the world melts away. For a few, solitary moments, I can give up the cares and concerns of the world, and just be my Daddy's boy. I don't have to put up a face, I can just be who I am.

Because so often, I don't trust my mind. I don't trust myself to make the right choices. Whereas I can always trust my Daddy to look at the choices I'm about to make, and help me make a choice that will make me a better me.

Because I know that being a boy doesn't make me any less of a man. Because I know that, at any point, I can choose to be a Boy, playful and happy, or I can choose to be a man, ready to deal with whatever the world throws at me. And that by making a distinction between those two states, I can make sure that I am an adult at the times I need to be.

Because, in short, I can. I can choose to submit to another, and that's a power I wish I had during my darkest times.

A Very Sassy Boy

I have begun to notice a very interesting thing happening in my relationship with my Daddy. It's surprised me somewhat, but I've just realised it's honestly happening.

I'm becoming a bit bratty.

When me and my Daddy first started negotiating BDSM relationships, we tried to start in a general Dom/Sub, or Dom/Slave type arrangement, and my Daddy noticed that my style of Subbing was very silent - I was very much the kind of sub that would stay silently, in the corner, until needed. I didn't really have much of a personality in a BDSM context, probably because I felt a Sub was meant to follow orders, so, when there's no orders to follow, I just stayed where I was until there were more orders. Also, I guess, I was very nervous about being out at events for the first time (Which was where we normally played), so I was generally quite shy anyway.

But in the year or so that's followed, that's changed a lot. I'm certainly not a silent individual anymore - I'm much more likely to speak up in a scene, and I'm more likely to talk back to Daddy when we're both in BDSM headspace. I don't recall exactly when this started happening, mind.

You know what? I kinda like it though.