Fantasies and Goals

So, my last post I noticed myself making a curious distinction - There was this big idea in my head that things I definitely want to do, are more goals, rather than fantasies. If I think something in my head is something I want to do, it's not considered a fantasy.

On the other hand, Daddy often points that every single one of his fantasies is something that he would like to do. He doesn't like fantasizing about things that he knows will never happen, because, among other things, he considers it pointless - why spend mental time thinking about something that you're never going to do?

It's something of a conflict point for the two of us, as Daddy gets frustrated at how rarely I seem to come up with fantasies he can participate in and work with me in, and thus he doesn't get a lot of knowledge on what I want to do with him (and that last one's definitely a fair complaint. I think a lot of it goes down to why I fantasize, which is this: I fantasize to get away from reality, not to plan it.

For me, my fantasies have always been about escape. When I was very young, I would spend a lot of evenings in my parent's backyard, weaving big, elaborate fantasies in my head, and imagining those fantasies. These were often big, epic science fiction-type fantasies, with heavily fantastical elements. Now, at the time, my school life wasn't a terribly happy one - for most of my school life I was bullied terribly, and while I liked school work, I often stressed about getting things in on time.

When I reached adolescence (which was still quite a stressful time), I still used fantasies as a way of escaping the world, and once I discovered masturbation, this same process of fantasy just got translated into sexual fantasy. When I fantasized about sexual imagery, I wasn't constrained by reality (or even knowledge - a lot of my early fantasies showed astoundingly little knowledge of human anatomy!). At the same time, I definitely wasn't getting invited to the kinds of parties where teen sex was going on, so I never got any actual sexual experience (of either gender) for most of my school years.

And so these days, my fantasies (while a little more realistic) still incorporate massive amounts of truly fantastical elements, and for me, this is fine - I honestly don't expect any of my fantasies to come true, and if they did, it'd probably seriously freak me out.

However, this leads to a problem - Because this escapism is a happy experience for me, I'd much rather escape than honestly think about the type of sex and kink that I'm looking to actually perform with my Daddy (or any other partner, for that matter). So, it leads to the problem mentioned earlier - Daddy can't really get excited about sex with me because the fantasies I provide he can't use, and when I try to come up with ideas that I definitely want to do, I get stuck, because I just don't end up fantasizing about things that I ever expect to do.

Part of the reason I started making the Fantasy Boy posts is because of this problem - it was a way of trying to give my Daddy an insight into my fantasies, but the first attempt went rather awry - when I tried to come up with fantasies with no real fantastical elements, I still ended up with fantasies that were physically impossible, or where things that my Daddy doesn't have the resources to arrange for me. This month I tried to honestly find fantasies that I know we can do in the short term, but that kind of thinking is so incredibly restricting to me. It's not only a tiny subset of the things I fantasize about, it's also a list of things that don't really come up in the kind of fantasies I masturbate to.

And while the escapism is a big thing, I think this also comes down to the other big problem - I have great difficulties talking about sex, and what I want in sex, even to myself. And that's an issue that I can't avoid - if I want Daddy to stay engaged sexually with me, I can't just say "do whatever" - that's not how things work.