Sick once again.

Once again I have been sick, sick enough to be forced to take a few days off work. I've been figuring out a few things about myself on this bout (many of which are more correctly "rediscovered" things).

For one thing, it's made me re-evaluate my relationship to my work. One of the greatest components of angst for me is when I don't do what I say I will do. I realised that I was too sick for work when I was at work in the cafeteria, and realised that I was about to cry - a clear sign that I just didn't have the spoons to work. So, I had to talk to my team leader to tell him that I just couldn't do it anymore. And once again, I cried telling them. Because I absolutely hate it when I at work, and can't continue with my agreement with work to, well, work for them. It makes me incredibly stressed to do so, and I think the main reason is because it feels very much like I'm disobeying orders.

This, by the way, is something that I struggle with, and I suspect a lot of submissives struggle with, where I have a lot of difficulty saying no to people. It feels like if I can do something for someone, I should. This causes a whole mountain of problems, and leads to a lot of pent-up resentment and frustration.

This, is not good. If I'm crying because I can't leave work without feeling terrible, and if I can't say no and it's leaving me unhappy, this is terribly wrong. This is not the submission I should be aiming towards. Submission should make people feel powerful, not powerless! It should be a way of me consensually giving the power to those around me, not simply handing that power to others.

It is time, I guess, to work harder at learning to say no.

Going out

It's been a while since me and Daddy went out to a kink event. The simple fact of the matter has been that things have come up, we've been poor and sick, so we haven't had much of a chance to get out. But last weekend that all changed, and we went to Kinky, a kink event in Melbourne

It was so good to be out in the world to play. It completely energises my Daddy, puts him into the mind to play, and when he wants to play, I get to play and serve as well. I get to be roadie when he is suspending other people (which is a wonderful thing, honestly - never do I feel more empowered than when I am being ordered around by my Daddy!), I get drinks for him and his friends, and I get to talk to friends who come along for the ride.

I also get the chance to occasionally play with other people. In this case, a good friend of mine let me do some sensation play with her. In my case, since I've yet to build a full kit yet, my sensation play mostly involves me rummaging through my toybox trying to find interesting surfaces to inflict on people. It turns out I do it rather well - my friend being as much as a sensation slut as I am, she didn't seem to have much complaints. After a brief interlude with some plastic wrap, I wrapped her legs together and then decided to let my sadistic side out by tickling her feet in all manner of ways.

It just keeps reminding me that yes, I do have the ability to top others, even if there's no way I could ever top my Daddy. Indeed, every so often he would pull me out of my play, throw me to the ground and Take me Down, which was wonderfully brutal. Me and Daddy have been trying to work on me enjoying more brutal forms of play, me naturally being a pansy and Daddy being the kind of person who enjoys inflicting lots of pain, and I really enjoyed this type of play. My only desire now is to increase my endurance for this sort of thing. Which I'll probably attend to soon, as Daddy has ordered me to start going to the gym, which I think will likely help.

So, all in all, a thoroughly enjoyable night out!