Sick once again.

Once again I have been sick, sick enough to be forced to take a few days off work. I've been figuring out a few things about myself on this bout (many of which are more correctly "rediscovered" things).

For one thing, it's made me re-evaluate my relationship to my work. One of the greatest components of angst for me is when I don't do what I say I will do. I realised that I was too sick for work when I was at work in the cafeteria, and realised that I was about to cry - a clear sign that I just didn't have the spoons to work. So, I had to talk to my team leader to tell him that I just couldn't do it anymore. And once again, I cried telling them. Because I absolutely hate it when I at work, and can't continue with my agreement with work to, well, work for them. It makes me incredibly stressed to do so, and I think the main reason is because it feels very much like I'm disobeying orders.

This, by the way, is something that I struggle with, and I suspect a lot of submissives struggle with, where I have a lot of difficulty saying no to people. It feels like if I can do something for someone, I should. This causes a whole mountain of problems, and leads to a lot of pent-up resentment and frustration.

This, is not good. If I'm crying because I can't leave work without feeling terrible, and if I can't say no and it's leaving me unhappy, this is terribly wrong. This is not the submission I should be aiming towards. Submission should make people feel powerful, not powerless! It should be a way of me consensually giving the power to those around me, not simply handing that power to others.

It is time, I guess, to work harder at learning to say no.