The Fear

Those precious few readers I have have probably noticed that I'm not doing a lot of Fantasy Boy Posts anymore. It's been bugging me, why I can't seem to get enough material to fill these posts. It's not that I don't have fantasies, because I have plenty of them. But they're not fantasies based in reality, not fantasies that other people can connect to.

I've talked about this previously, but never in a particularly in-depth way. Last night, when me and Daddy were driving home from a party, we talked for a bit and a few things crystallised for me.

I like to think I'm a very sex-positive person. I believe that sex should be a wonderful thing, that people shouldn't be attacked for their sexuality, whatever form that takes, that it's a perfectly normal facet of existence that people shouldn't be scared of.

However, I am terrified of sex.

And there's a few components to that fear. Firstly, I'm an extremely anxious boy by nature. Anything that's not within my routine can be scary for me, if we have to be honest with each other.

Secondly, and I think this is the big one, I have an intense fear of being vulnerable. I'll admit it - I find it exceptionally difficult to trust people, and that includes my Daddy. I have my reasons for this, and it's not entirely unjustified, but the fact remains, I don't have a lot of trust in the people around me. I depend on them, I feel they are fundamentally good people, and will do a lot for people on the trust that they'll give back when I need, but trusting people with me? Almost never happens. And this lack of trust in people means that breaking down those barriers and being vulnerable is so exceptionally hard.

But where, pray tell, does this connect into my concern about single-player fantasies? It's actually rather simple - Single-player fantasies are safe. They involve only me, and I trust me. Introducing other people into my fantasies instantly makes those fantasies less appealing - because to make those fantasies come to life requires that I be willing to trust those inner-most fantasies to another person, and then trust that they will accept and play that fantasy for me, if I asked, and that's waaaay more vulnerable than I'm comfortable with.

Up until recently, I used to be a roleplayer. I used to come up with fantasies, play them out with a group of people. I used to be able to get reasonably into character (I can't say I was a truly immersive roleplayer, to be honest), I used to be able to provide motivations and plot hooks to try and get an outcome that I wanted. But I can't even dream up a fantasy when it comes to sex. I'm immensely uncomfortable with sex, can barely talk about what I want (hell, can barely talk about what I don't want)...

It's not surprising that I haven't been able to engage with my Daddy to come up with decent fantasies, and even when my Daddy brings his fantasies to the table, it's not surprising that I can't engage with him about it either.

And it funnels into plenty of other parts of my life as well. I keep saying a want another partner, but the idea of connecting with another person enough to have even a play-partner relationship is incredibly scary. The last time I did it, it was still insanely scary, and I barely got through what I wanted. This fear of sex and intimacy is going to kill any future relationships before they happen, and I'm afraid is slowly poisoning the one relationship I currently have. My Daddy has my trust enough that sex isn't much of an issue (although I still have some horrendous hangups), but I'm worried that I'm running from the intimacy angle.

I need to change this. I need to learn to trust, but I'm honestly not sure how I go about it. Before now, I thought I did trust my Daddy, but clearly not enough to get what we both need out of our sex lives.

Birthdays, Service and Community

In a previous post I talked about the surprise I was planning to give my Daddy for his birthday. Yesterday I got to give that surprise to my Daddy, and believe me, it was every bit worth the effort.

It's rare that you get to render your Daddy speechless, but that was pretty much his reaction to me organising with his friends to raise over $2000 for a suit for my Daddy. It just proved to me that this surprise was the very best thing I could have done.

Also, it had the added side effect of bringing my Daddy into greater esteem with his friends - a lot more people remembered his birthday this year than they normally would, and honestly, that makes me almost as happy as the present itself. Part of service should be to add to your Daddy's good name, and not only have I provided him with good publicity in his community, but now they know what kind of a Boy he has serving him.

And everyone knows that a Boy's behaviour reflects upon his Daddy. I hope that he is pleased!

Moving in with the Daddy

So, it's true - me and Daddy have technically been living together for a while. But living together in a share house is always an awkward state of affairs - there is never any real sense of privacy, and with people always around the house it is difficult to get into a D/s mindset - one always has to be conscious of everyone around them.

But very shortly, that is all going to change. You see, Me and Daddy finally got a new place. It's going to be ours, and ours only. A house that we can manage all to ourselves. A house where I can wear as much or as little as me and my Daddy desire. A place where we can have our own little dungeon to call our own. A place where there can be orders, and dirty sex, and procedures and protocols, and no one around to gainsay us.

It's, of course, not going to be that easy. Me and Daddy have had our D/s relationship on the backburner for quite some time. Oh, it's there, and we both feel it, (I feel it everyday when I feel the collar around my neck), but due to stress, and moving, and no privacy, it's not been something that we have had much chance to genuinely build up. Getting back into the swing of a D/s relationship is going to take work, and I have a strong suspicion that I'm going to feel put upon for a while until my place is firmly assured again.

But to have a place to ourselves again, a place where we can feel safe, where we can let our kink out as much as we desire... The environment will be there, and it will then only be up to us to bring our D/s embers back into a roaring flame.

It's going to be fun. Frankly, I wish we were already moved in!

Service with a Surprise

So, I've been planning special surprises for my Daddy's birthday. It's been a long time in the making - I'd sorta planned the surprise very early on this year, and I've been actively working to make the surprise come to life in the last few months.

It brings me into something of a bind - these sorts of surprises don't seem to gel well with the idea of honest service. After all, aren't I supposed to be open and honest with my Daddy?

The answer of course, is much more complicated than that. Birthdays are one of those events where surprises are not only tolerated, but almost expected, and looked forward to. Also, while I was kinda hoping that I'd be able to keep the lid on the surprise right up until Daddy's birthday, it's existence was revealed, mostly due to my lapse, but there you go. This has meant, however, that Daddy has been an active agent in keeping the surprise away from him - he doesn't want to know! This makes my life a whole lot easier, although I've been told that a lot of my confederates in the surprise have been rather on eggshells, being terrified that they'll give away the secret. Of course, I was prepared for this eventuality, so I tell Daddy I'm doing something different every time he asks what I'm getting for his birthday. Among the list of things that I've told him are:

• A Pimp-mobile
• A golden cane
• A lifetime supply of toothpaste
• A pony
• More fairy bread than there is in the world
• A slave

And I have plenty more up my sleeve as well. This kind of fun and games with my Daddy is actually really fun - he gets to be excited about surprises, and I get to be the one that surprises him on his birthday. It's going to be fantastic.

I'd like to enthuse more about how awesome the whole process has been, but of course, this blog is specifically for my Daddy - don't want to accidentally spoiler him before the big day! Suffice to say though, that when he knows...

He's going to be stunned.