The Fear

Those precious few readers I have have probably noticed that I'm not doing a lot of Fantasy Boy Posts anymore. It's been bugging me, why I can't seem to get enough material to fill these posts. It's not that I don't have fantasies, because I have plenty of them. But they're not fantasies based in reality, not fantasies that other people can connect to.

I've talked about this previously, but never in a particularly in-depth way. Last night, when me and Daddy were driving home from a party, we talked for a bit and a few things crystallised for me.

I like to think I'm a very sex-positive person. I believe that sex should be a wonderful thing, that people shouldn't be attacked for their sexuality, whatever form that takes, that it's a perfectly normal facet of existence that people shouldn't be scared of.

However, I am terrified of sex.

And there's a few components to that fear. Firstly, I'm an extremely anxious boy by nature. Anything that's not within my routine can be scary for me, if we have to be honest with each other.

Secondly, and I think this is the big one, I have an intense fear of being vulnerable. I'll admit it - I find it exceptionally difficult to trust people, and that includes my Daddy. I have my reasons for this, and it's not entirely unjustified, but the fact remains, I don't have a lot of trust in the people around me. I depend on them, I feel they are fundamentally good people, and will do a lot for people on the trust that they'll give back when I need, but trusting people with me? Almost never happens. And this lack of trust in people means that breaking down those barriers and being vulnerable is so exceptionally hard.

But where, pray tell, does this connect into my concern about single-player fantasies? It's actually rather simple - Single-player fantasies are safe. They involve only me, and I trust me. Introducing other people into my fantasies instantly makes those fantasies less appealing - because to make those fantasies come to life requires that I be willing to trust those inner-most fantasies to another person, and then trust that they will accept and play that fantasy for me, if I asked, and that's waaaay more vulnerable than I'm comfortable with.

Up until recently, I used to be a roleplayer. I used to come up with fantasies, play them out with a group of people. I used to be able to get reasonably into character (I can't say I was a truly immersive roleplayer, to be honest), I used to be able to provide motivations and plot hooks to try and get an outcome that I wanted. But I can't even dream up a fantasy when it comes to sex. I'm immensely uncomfortable with sex, can barely talk about what I want (hell, can barely talk about what I don't want)...

It's not surprising that I haven't been able to engage with my Daddy to come up with decent fantasies, and even when my Daddy brings his fantasies to the table, it's not surprising that I can't engage with him about it either.

And it funnels into plenty of other parts of my life as well. I keep saying a want another partner, but the idea of connecting with another person enough to have even a play-partner relationship is incredibly scary. The last time I did it, it was still insanely scary, and I barely got through what I wanted. This fear of sex and intimacy is going to kill any future relationships before they happen, and I'm afraid is slowly poisoning the one relationship I currently have. My Daddy has my trust enough that sex isn't much of an issue (although I still have some horrendous hangups), but I'm worried that I'm running from the intimacy angle.

I need to change this. I need to learn to trust, but I'm honestly not sure how I go about it. Before now, I thought I did trust my Daddy, but clearly not enough to get what we both need out of our sex lives.