Seeking Self: Orientation

Go into depth of detail about your orientation, both sexual and D/s. Has it changed over the years? Do you feel it will change again?

So, let's start with the Short Version: I'm a bisexual switch, with a big bias towards submission, and a reasonable bias towards liking men.

Right, with that out of the way, let's expand that a bit more.

First, on the sexual orientation. For as long as I can remember having sexual feelings, I've had feelings for both men and women. My earliest attempts at acting on those feelings generally targeted women, because that's what society told me was the thing to do, but honestly, I've had desires for men for most of that time as well.

I do occasionally wonder as to whether I'm bisexual or gay, just considering the bias can be pretty strong at times. But I don't think it's a lack of desire for women at all that leads the bias. More likely the bias is due to the fact that I don't have a lot of sexual experience with women, and thus I'm always a bit anxious when the idea of girl-sex comes up.

I get a feeling that my sexual orientation has been pretty constant - the changing factor is how I act upon my orientation. I can't honestly forsee my sexuality changing in the foreseeable future - It's been such a constant force I don't think it'll change on it's own.

Second on my BDSM orientation. When I think back to even childhood fantasies, I remember wanting to be a pet, to be taken care of. I think I've always had a major preference for submission, and indeed, it wasn't until I was dating a person who preferred submission that my ability to be a Dom came out (although, frankly, I shudder at the sorts of things I did then, not knowing any better). I certainly feel a whole lot more comfortable being a submissive in a relationship, although that may be partly because I'm in a happy relationship right now.

I have dommed other people since being with Daddy, and played as a top, and I do feel there's a definite drive in me to be dominant on an occasional basis. I'm not sure if it's enough to get a full-time subby under me (so to speak), but I do think having a regular play-partner, at least, would be a good thing for my dommy side.

Again, I get the feeling that a lot of the comfort of being in a submissive role is because I know it well, I don't have to worry about failing in the role. Being a dominant, on the other hand, is a bit scarier. My skills are not nearly as sharp on that end. To anyone else, of course, this would be a clear cue to practice those skills, to get into as many dominant situations as possible and work on being a better dom. Instead, I just stick to what I know.

I do think that my BDSM orientation has changed a little, but not terribly - I think I've probably had switchy tendencies for most of my life, I've just mostly been trained into submissive roles by the world around me. I didn't really think much about being Dominant until I started engaging in BDSM, and only then did I realize that I had that potential. Will it change again? I think more likely I'll just get more comfortable in the dominant side of my orientation, and then I'll be much more comfortable switching on a more regular basis.