New Pain

A few weeks ago, me and Daddy had a big long talk about our BDSM relationship.

Calm down readers, it's not quite as bad as all that.

Put simply, we've come to the realisation that our BDSM life has seriously stagnated - we rarely play, and in a lot of ways we were almost avoiding play, because of a number of issues, one of which being my legendary inability to communicate. Because, and here's the thing that's been dogging us for a while, Daddy just has no idea what I want out of BDSM, and if I had to be honest, I'm not sure I really did for a long time either.

But I've been talking with my psych, who had the audacity to point out to me my insane competitive streak. It's really one of the few healthy ways in which I channel my competitve streak. And it occured to me that while the joy of sensation has been fun, it's not something that helped my grow as a Sub, a Boy, or a Person. Part of the reason I'm in this relationship with Daddy is to improve myself, to be better than I am.

But for the most part, Daddy has been reluctant to challenge me - we've known each other for a long time, and the fact is, I tend to get grumpy at challenge. It's hard, he points out, to keep pushing me when he doesn't see anything out of it. So, all we do is a bit of electrical play, some occaisional other sensation play, and that's it. Nothing that Daddy really gets off on, and nothing that really pushes me.

During our heart-to-heart I finally connected these things all together. The reason I'm not connecting to BDSM is purely because I haven't been treating it as a challenge. I've been treating it as a diverson, which hasn't been good for Daddy. And I realised an easy way to fix that was to just change my mindset about it.

And so, yesterday, Daddy bought himself a new cane, and my masochistic streak came out in full force. I started seriously poking at him and the cane, and bought myself a caning. Daddy started slowly, we played around, and at the same time, I got to tell him how mean he was for doing things like drawing the cane away for a second or two and not coming down hard afterwards. He told me to relax, but relaxing just made everything hurt more, so there was a "nope nope nope!" moment for me. And, best of all, he challenged me to take 5 hard canings. And I took them. They hurt like hell, and I was swearing by the last one, but by god I did it.

I gotta be honest, it's the first time in a while that I felt like I'd really connected with Daddy. Well besides the pride at getting through all of it, I could feel that Daddy was pleased with the play as well. We were actually playing with each other, rather than Daddy doing things to me and me just enjoying them. And it's a feeling I really, really enoyed, even if the play was short.

I really hope that this is the beginning of something good. Taking it all felt good, feeling the welts after felt good. I think I'm turning into an honest-to-god masochist, and even better, It's helping me connect better to Daddy. And all it took was me realising there was a challenge here that I hadn't taken on.