Fantasy Boy

Last night me and my Daddy had a long talk about fantasies.

See, it's coming up to an anniversary for us, and we've been a bit lost as to what we would like to do for it. We don't have a great deal of money this year, so things like going on a weekend holiday aren't really available to us this year, so we've been trying to come up with ideas that we can use. One idea that we ended up talking about at length was getting a third for a night, and we ended up coming up short on a very odd point - what would we do with a third, exactly?

And from there, we started talking about our fantasies, or more accurately, the fact that I don't tend to bring mine up a lot. And it occurred to me that this is a very important topic.

It has never been easy for me to discuss my fantasies. There's a few reasons for this, I feel. The first is that it's very difficult for me to talk about me anyway. Sexual fantasies are just one aspect.

The second one is that sex itself is really hard for me to talk about. I've been raised by conservative parents, in a culture that drives explicit talk about sex into the underground, and so I instinctively label my sexuality as something that doesn't get talked about. This has not helped in the Sex addiction department, as you might expect - When sex itself is this dirty, underground thing, it's rather difficult to get up and ask for help from those around you. But I digress. Sex is still such an enormous taboo in my head, that communicating about it is really damn difficult. I can think about it, I can figure out what to say, but saying it? Not so much.

Then there's the third reason, which is vocabulary. If I can talk about my fantasies, the only language that I can really use is the language of porn. And porn language sounds (to me, anyway) extremely silly and ridiculous when spoken out loud. Just doesn't work for me. I can't get into actually speaking aloud my fantasies in any detail because I'm struck by the sheer embarrassment of speaking in porn. I suspect though, that this third reason is closely connected to the second reason. It probably seems very silly and ridiculous because Porn isn't supposed to be uttered where just anyone can hear it - it's for internal use only, so to speak.

So, after identifying the issues, what can I do to resolve this? Well, it's clear to me that speaking to my Daddy about these issues is something I'm going to have to work on, but on the other hand, it's really horrible that I know a lot of my Daddy's fantasies, but he knows practically none of mine. This is an unfair imbalance of communication.

So what I intend to do, is once a month, I will (at least attempt) to write down some of my fantasies in this blog, and publish it for the world to see (or at least my Daddy, anyway). If I can't say it out loud, I should at least be able to write them down. Even if it takes forever, even if I can only write one paragraph before I can't take it any more, even a little bit is better than nothing. It's unfair that my Daddy have so little knowledge of what I like, seeing as, you know, a relationship is supposed to be about give and take.

Stay tuned: Fantasies may follow in the near future.

Food for Thought

So, for the last weekend or so I've been attending Lee Harrington's series of workshops in Melbourne on various subjects relating to BDSM. My thoughts on each of them:

1) Take my breath away (Breath Play)
I was quite interested in this to start with, mostly because I love a nice hand around my neck... Hell, I like anything around my neck, let's be honest.

So, two things I got out of this workshop. Firstly, Good god, I was playing with some real unsafe shit when I was starting out with this. Holy god. Also, hearing about all the risks from everything else was a real eye-opener. Considering the first words were "Please remember that people die from this - it is a very real risk that you will too" - that's some serious food for thought right there. It brought into real perspective that you need to be careful with this stuff. Thankfully, there was a lot of risk awareness and attempts to help minimise the risks associated with breath play, which I'm very glad that I have now.

Also gave me some thought in regards to breath play that I haven't thought of before - things like breath forcing and such. Should I ever find another subbie who's into breath play, I will definitely keep this stuff in mind.

2) Playing between the ears - Erotic Hypnosis, Mind Play and Dirty Talk
This is not necessarily one of my kinks, but has been something I'm very curious about, and thus I learned a startling amount.

In particular, two obvious things - that there's a big continuum of erotic hypnosis (from guided visualisation to full-blown hypnotic suggestions), and that a lot of such mind play is very straightforward. There was a lot of good information about protecting yourself during such play (my favourite quote from the workshop was "Brainwash yourself before someone nastier beats you to it!"), which I plan to keep in mind. There wasn't a great deal of instruction in the workshop, which I'm simultaneously a bit sad about (because I'd like to have had a bit of hands-on work) and am feeling stupid for thinking there'd be any (because firstly, it's a very 101-kind of workshop, and because Lee's workshops are much more about expanding minds and helping people find their own path than providing direct instruction).

I'm still quite curious in regards to Hypno-play, and I'd be rather interested in trying out some small stuff. But then, I realise that I've already been doing some of the very low-level visualisation stuff already, and I'm honestly quite okay with it. It's fun stuff, that I'd like to try with my Daddy, or maybe even someone else.

3) Beyond Bowed heads - Rituals in BDSM
This was probably the workshop that my Daddy was most interested in, although I was still curious too, to hear what Lee had to say about it.

Me and Daddy are big believers in ritual currently, so we didn't really come out realising how much we've done, because we kinda knew that. Still, it was great to hear what other people do with their rituals, and I think more usefully for me, it was good to listen to Lee discuss some simple categorisations for rituals. That was really good for me because I'm a really big sucker for labels and boxes, because they make it a lot easier for me to access concepts. So thinking about things like casual rituals through to structured rituals, thinking about jewellery as ritual, as well as sharing experiences with other people about their rituals... all very good and very useful for me.

In all, I'm very glad I paid the money to go, and I'm very glad to have met Lee in the flesh after hearing so much about him. I really like his energy, and if I have to be honest, he's kinda inspired me to think about the ways I can educate the world as well. Not saying I'm changing careers just yet, mind, but he's certainly got me thinking about how I can make a difference in the world.

And that? Pretty damn awesome, I think.

A Pretty Metal Ring around a Pretty Boy's Neck

This weekend was a very special weekend for me.

This weekend I went through with a very special, powerful decision - the decision to commit to a D/s relationship with my Daddy. We symbolised this decision the way many D/s couples do - by my Daddy placing a collar around my neck, and locking it tight with a lock, with our friends in kink watching.

It was a really beautiful ceremony. We had decided that we wanted a ritual, because rituals focus both of our minds, but during our planning, we came to the realisation that we wanted the ritual to come from our hearts, so we ad-libbed the ceremony. The actual words weren't important anyway - but the thoughts behind those words, the crystalised feelings and emotions, those were what came out.

So we made promises to each other. That my Daddy would raise me high, would help me to become whatever boy I was, to aspire to whatever I chose to become. In turn, I promised that I would not give up who I was for him - That I would be me, forever and now.

I promised that I would serve him as his boy, that I would obey him as he required - but I also promised to disobey him if a choice would make me into something I was not.

We promised that the collar around my neck was not for all time - it was purely for as long as we felt it was right. That if this new phase in our relationship ended, that we would accept that, and move into whatever new phase would begin.

In short, we promised everything we could in good conscience promise each other - to be who we are, to support the other in whatever form that would take, for as long as we had together, right now.

I write all this now, and it fills me with emotion. Me being me, of course, I find it hard to tell you which emotion I'm being filled with. But I think it's a few things.

I think it's pride. I think it's terror. I think it's love. I think it's power. I think it's worry, I think it's that genuine, honest to god emotional movement. I feel something, and it's probably a whole lot of things, and I can't wait to see what happens next.