Thoughts on Protocols

Daddy and I have been getting involved with the Melbourne Leather Alliance, a group who have been attempting to bring back an inclusive Leather Scene to Melbourne. While my work hours mean that I haven't been able to get to their dinners each month, The discussions each month are often followed up by conversations on Fetlife. This month, there was some discussion into the kinds of protocols that we'd like to institute as a group, I wrote some thoughts on the subject that I think I'd like to expand.

So, I had a thought about the kinds of activities I'd like to see ritualised, and came up with a few broad categories:

Social Niceties
By social niceties, I'm talking about greetings, introductions, terms of address, etc. Every group has a set of social niceties, and these tend to get used wherever and whenever the group meets. I think these are actually some of the more important rituals, because they very clearly build up a sense of identity in a group - How you say goodbye and hello, how you introduce yourself to someone, if these things are different to how the rest of the world does it, you get a sense very quickly as to who's part of the group or not. Also, in my view, having these rules of social interaction get me into a subby mindset a lot quickly than other rituals.

And in Leather, the amount of heirarchy that's involved means that these sort of rituals can get a little more complex and interesting. How a dominant greets a sub should probably be different to how they greet another dominant, which should also be different to how they greet a Master, or other honoured elder. Being able to acknowledge a person's place in the heirarchy should be a big part of our social niceties, because while we expect respect for all in our community, we don't have the illusion of equal power - some people are lower on the chain, some are higher, and that's both alright and wanted. We wouldn't be getting into Leather if we didn't want to play with the heirarchies.

Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:

• Both dominants and submissives should behave with politeness and respect to all individuals present. Politics is no excuse - all present should be treated with dignity, honesty and respect.
• Submissives address all dominants as Sir/Madam/Master/Mistress (ie by Title)
• Dominants choose how they address submissives, but negotiate with peers as to how they are addressed.
• Master/Mistresses should probably be referred to as "Master/Mistress X" by all - after all, they've usually earned the title.
• Switches should probably be treated as dominants unless their own dominant is present at the event, or unless they specifically request to be addressed as a submissive.
• Those under a dominant who have their own submissives are an interesting question. I think it should probably be up to the head dominant present as to how they should be addressed.
• When a family is greeted at an event, greeting the dominants should be considered as greeting the entire family, although subs may still be greeted separately if so desired.
• Someone new to the scene should be introduced by their own name, if they are not already in a relationship with someone else. If they already have a submissive, they should be accepted as dominant.
• A Dominant should be able to allow a submissive to be proxy for them, and act as representative, for things such as business and social interaction. I'm not sure how one would signify this, however.

Consent Rituals
In a group like Leather, where we do a lot of things that are not nice, and we do a lot of things that can get people in a lot of trouble, I think it's pretty obvious that you need solid, dependable rituals that let everyone know exactly what's permitted at which time. In this, I also include things like touching another Dominant's submissive, Rules for withdrawing consent, etc. As someone who has consent issues, having these sorts of extremely strict consent rituals is quite important.

This, by the by, also covers the general assorted manners and etiquette around play, including things like asking before joining in on someone else's scene, whether it's acceptable to talk to a submissive (certainly, I think that submissives should have ways of letting people know they can't be talked to that are accepted by all! Subs need to have the ability to defend themselves against other breaking their protocols), how doms and subs can quickly identify who belongs to whom etc. Basically how to avoid stepping on people's toes and continue having a good time with the minimum of fuss.

Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:

• If you are not in a relationship with a submissive, permission must be explicitly granted by their dominant, or if no dominant, the submissive themselves, before any touching or play occurs. Permissions requested and granted should be specific, and only valid for that session.
• If a dominant is present with a submissive, the dominant should be consulted before speaking with the submissive. Any permissions granted at that point should be considered holding for the night unless the dominant specifies otherwise.
• If a sub is not allowed to speak to another person without their dominant's permission, but the dominant is not present to grant that permission, they should look the speaker in the eye and point to their collar to indicate that they are not able to speak.
• Safewords should always be negotiated before any play, and strictly adhered to. (obvious, but should be noted)
• A submissive may never be punished by anyone other than their own dominant. A dominant may delegate the punishment to another, but the decision to punish, and the form that this takes, should never be assumed by anyone except the dominant.

Event Rituals
By this, I'm talking about the big, heavy rituals, things like a Master's covering, like collarings, like debuting a submissive in their first event as a dominant, etc. These rituals probably don't happen a great deal of the time, so they're probably quite elaborate, full of symbology, and probably heavily overthought and overproduced, which is always nice from time to time. They should mark big events, and should be built to include as large a group as is feasible.

Some big rituals would be:

• The collaring of a sub to a dominant
• The graduation of a dominant to Master
• The graduation of a submissive to a dominant
• The awarding of leathers
• Introduction of a new member to the scene
• The joining of a sub/dominant to another's house (not necessarily the same as the rituals above)

Activity Specific Rituals
By these, I'm talking about the small and large rituals that come into play in specific circumnstances. The most obvious train of thought here are dinner and dining rituals. How the table is meant to be presented, the order of seating and serving, whether subs sit at the table or must sit at a separate table, whether they're allowed to serve themselves before the dominant table has finished eating, etc. Another similar ritual might be for sharing transport - whether submissives must sit with their dominants, or whether the subs and doms sit together in their own sections, etc. The sorts of protocols that don't come up every time you meet, but come up often enough that you want to have clear protocols for when they do happen.

Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:

• Dominants should always be presented with food first.
• Submissives should be seated next to their dominant
• Tables and chairs should be arranged as such that one may rise at any time to leave the table, as submissives should be expected to assist their dominant's dining at any time.
• Submissives may not be allowed to eat before all dominants present have begun eating. A Dominant can release a submissive from this expectation, but this should be common at a large dinner where there are many dominants and submissive
• It is the submissive's duty to ensure the table is lain appropriately for the dinner setting
• During transport, front/window seats should be allocated to dominants before submissives. Exceptions to this exist for medical reasons or to accomodate partners, but should not be for comfort reasons.
• It is the submissive's duty to ensure that the transport is clean before they disembark, as it shows great disrespect to mess up another person's transport.

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Another thing that's come up in my head is how you negotiate individual protocols with group protocols. Even if we were already in a tight, coherant group we'd still have to ask ourselves whether we make it a formal rule that group protocols supercede individual protocols, at least at high- or medium- protocol events. I think that there should be a sort of ship's law rule applying here - one should not be expected to drop their own personal rituals in their own home, but should adhere as close as is comfortable to group protocols in public spaces or at other people's homes.

There's also a question as to guests from other leather groups. In this case, I think a diplomatic approach should be taken - we shouldn't interfere with another leather group's protocols and rituals if at all possible. On the same token, it should be the responsibility of the guest to maintain clarity with the group, even if their protocols are different.