Last night, me and Daddy had another one of our Deep and Meaningfuls. Daddy had started a brand new project to help homelessness in his community, and was disturbed at my lack of enthusiasm about it. He kept pushing me until I finally admitted that I didn't want to be enthusiastic about the project, with various excuses being thrown out. This kept going forth until we got down to the root of the matter - I don't want to be emotional at all. To be enthusiastic about the project would mean I'd have to have some emotional response, and emotion, to me, is still the enemy.
Daddy made a comment during the discussion that this attitude of mine made it incredibly difficult for him to scene with me - I can't "get into" the scene enough for him to be able to connect with me, which for him is the entire point of a scene. I have a stunning tendency to just "disconnect" from the world on a pretty much constant basis. And I self-reinforce it, all the time. Because I try not to experience my emotions, they naturally bottle up, and when I feel them, the explode all over the place - which, really, doesn't make me desire to experience them more often.
Daddy is planning to make me work on experiencing these things, but honestly I'm not sure how much I want to do it. I mean, yes, I want to be able to scene with my Daddy, I want to be able to connect with him, I want to be able to have a relationship that's fulfilling for both of us. But I'm really invested in my identity as a logical, intellectual person (even if that identity has frayed a lot in the last few years), and I still have this gut reaction against the idea of actually expressing and feeling emotions. It pulls against pretty much 25 years of keeping my emotions away from my me. Even if he pushes, will I go with it? Do I want the benefits enough to be willing to make the effort? I can feel myself railing against the idea - it's so foreign to me, it's scary. Can I really get past the fear of self-change?
If there's one thing I do feel, it's fear and anxiety for what's ahead. I don't think I can do this, even with help. How can I change something that's so vital to my own self-image? How can I shift a part of myself that has become a major self-defence mechanism against the various shit that goes through my life? How can I learn to connect to people when not connecting to the world at all is how I manage to not break down crying every day? Can I really be part of a D/s relationship when I refuse to become truly vulnerable and connect with my Daddy?
It all goddamn terrifies me, and I don't know where to go. I don't want to lose everything but I don't want to lose who I am, and I'm afraid that this is such a huge change that should I do it, I will literally become a completely different person. And I kinda like who I am now. What if I become someone terrible? What if during this whole thing I break down and become a useless emotional basketcase? What if after this change Daddy decides he doesn't like who I've become and leaves me? Worse, what if I can't do it, at all, and Daddy can't deal with the fact that I'll never be in touch enough with my emotions to connect?
I keep wanting to end this, but it just keeps coming out. I feel like I want to end this with some comment about how despite all these issues, I'll still do it, because he's my Daddy. But that's just it - will I? I certainly don't want to do it, even if I know rationally that it might be good for me. What feelings I have seem hell-bent on me opting out of this whole idea. I think I may just have to end this without resolution, alas.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Partners and Crazy
For a while now, I've been making rather vague noises about looking for other partners.. But really, that's all it's been - vague noises. The idea of actually going out and looking for more partners was always a little bit uncomfortable for me, so even if I had profiles on dating site, I never really bothered that much. But after our trip to Macushla Farm, Daddy had had his imagination fired up by the possibilities of kinky family holidays, and so Daddy decided to sit down with me and start pushing for those vague noises to to become clearer plans for partners.
As one might expect, this did not go down so well. Those vague plans had been vague mainly because I'd never dared think any further than vague feelings on the matter. Daddy pushing it further just made me try and run harder from it, and it took quite some time to track down the cause.
And that cause? Well, it's rather simple - I'm not confident in my ability to sustain another relationship with full communication. We al know that communication is not my strong suit (hence the entire reason for this blog), and while communication is incredibly important in any relationship, it's absolutely vital for relationships with multiple partners. And it doesn't help that Daddy has always been the jealous type around me. You never want to make your Daddy unhappy, or uncomfortable, and talking about what you're doing with other partners to someone who tends to get jealous just fires that all up.
And hell, talking about sex and BDSM is a huge thing for me - it takes huge amounts of effort for me to have a frank and open conversation on those subjects, thanks to previous programming. While I'm making progress, it's still incredibly hard.
But I don't think I really have much of a choice anymore.
Tonight I went to Kinky, and probably for the first time in a while I had this crazy urge to top someone. This doesn't happen terribly often, but while Daddy was out suspending people, I was around doing not much in particular, and after some self-testing with my TENS unit with some help from a friend of mine, I started really craving play with someone else. Alas, my sensation-play friend ended up not coming to Kinky tonight, so I didn't get my regular play. And while I chatted to other people, I didn't feel terribly comfortable in trolling for play on my own.
These desires have become more and more frequent in the last while. They don't often come out around Daddy (there's just no way I could top him at all), but in fantasies in my head, me being top has been getting more and more frequent.
So, it's become official - I seriously need a partner to top.
But to get a new partner, I need to actually start forcing myself to do shit like, I dunno, define what kind of partner I'm really looking for. And that's shit, because I have never done that in the history of my relationships. I have a tendency to fall for people, and I have pursued from time to time, but it's always been people, not types. I never think about what kinds of people I want to go out with, because there's usually a specific person who's either expressed interest in me, or who I've tried to actively pursue, so well, the whole target thing is sorted straight away.
But now I don't have that. No single person I'm gunning for. I have to actually start the process of dating, of talking to random strangers and chatting, and figuring out if this is the kind of person I want. The last bit I have some practice in, but the first bit? Still very scary for someone who is, despite appearances, still a very shy, awkward boy, who has very little experience in this whole looking for people thing.
And honestly? I know that the only way forward is, well, forward - to start looking, start learning these things from the beginning. Everyone has to do it at some point. But that fear... It's a scary, scary thing to do.
As one might expect, this did not go down so well. Those vague plans had been vague mainly because I'd never dared think any further than vague feelings on the matter. Daddy pushing it further just made me try and run harder from it, and it took quite some time to track down the cause.
And that cause? Well, it's rather simple - I'm not confident in my ability to sustain another relationship with full communication. We al know that communication is not my strong suit (hence the entire reason for this blog), and while communication is incredibly important in any relationship, it's absolutely vital for relationships with multiple partners. And it doesn't help that Daddy has always been the jealous type around me. You never want to make your Daddy unhappy, or uncomfortable, and talking about what you're doing with other partners to someone who tends to get jealous just fires that all up.
And hell, talking about sex and BDSM is a huge thing for me - it takes huge amounts of effort for me to have a frank and open conversation on those subjects, thanks to previous programming. While I'm making progress, it's still incredibly hard.
But I don't think I really have much of a choice anymore.
Tonight I went to Kinky, and probably for the first time in a while I had this crazy urge to top someone. This doesn't happen terribly often, but while Daddy was out suspending people, I was around doing not much in particular, and after some self-testing with my TENS unit with some help from a friend of mine, I started really craving play with someone else. Alas, my sensation-play friend ended up not coming to Kinky tonight, so I didn't get my regular play. And while I chatted to other people, I didn't feel terribly comfortable in trolling for play on my own.
These desires have become more and more frequent in the last while. They don't often come out around Daddy (there's just no way I could top him at all), but in fantasies in my head, me being top has been getting more and more frequent.
So, it's become official - I seriously need a partner to top.
But to get a new partner, I need to actually start forcing myself to do shit like, I dunno, define what kind of partner I'm really looking for. And that's shit, because I have never done that in the history of my relationships. I have a tendency to fall for people, and I have pursued from time to time, but it's always been people, not types. I never think about what kinds of people I want to go out with, because there's usually a specific person who's either expressed interest in me, or who I've tried to actively pursue, so well, the whole target thing is sorted straight away.
But now I don't have that. No single person I'm gunning for. I have to actually start the process of dating, of talking to random strangers and chatting, and figuring out if this is the kind of person I want. The last bit I have some practice in, but the first bit? Still very scary for someone who is, despite appearances, still a very shy, awkward boy, who has very little experience in this whole looking for people thing.
And honestly? I know that the only way forward is, well, forward - to start looking, start learning these things from the beginning. Everyone has to do it at some point. But that fear... It's a scary, scary thing to do.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Fun at the Farm!
This week I've been on leave from my work, and so me and Daddy decided to take a trip to reconnect with each other, as we'd noted that real life had pushed a lot of the BDSM from our lives in the past few months. We'd known about a lovely Bed & Breakfast in Taradale called Macushla Farm, and decided to spend a couple of days there.
First off - Macushla Farm is such a beautiful property. Right out in the bush, with trees and nature everywhere, it was the perfect place to relax and recharge. The Cabin we stayed in was absolutely stunning and beautiful.
But the best part of the entire trip? The Dungeon, and playing with my Daddy. The Dungeon at Macushla Farm is one of the best dungeons I've seen, with so much fantastic furniture. I swear, me and Daddy were like kids in a candy store - We could barely decide what to start with first! Some highlights of the play:
The Naughty Chair: I think I may have found my new favourite pain infliction device. It's simple enough - it's a stool with bottle caps glued to the seat, with the sharp bits pointed up. The thing that makes it fantastic is not the pain when you sit down - it's actually quite bearable, you could sit in it for quite some time and not have to tap out. No, it's the getting up that's the... "fun" part. Especially if your tormentor has decided to inflict some extra pain while you're in the seat by sitting on your lap. Because as you're getting up, the bottle caps cause much more pain on the getting up. The first time we used it I ended up with a lovely bruised pattern on my butt. I may, possibly, be looking for appropriate stools in Op Shops to convert into naughty chairs in the future, since they look incredibly simple to make.
Playing with CBT: I've always been a sucker for CBT, and with a lovely gynaecologist's chair, we had the perfect setting. I really do like CBT a lot, and since me and Daddy have been approached to do some play for an exhibit later this year, we figured we'd get some practice in. We mostly just played around with pegs and weights, but in and of itself was a lot of fun!
Torturing and Lowering Myself: On the second day, I convinced Daddy to take a slightly different approach - he'd order me to do stuff to myself. Honestly, I found that to be one of the more fun parts of the trip, for reasons I'm still digesting on. I suspect this weekend's post is going to be about self-inflicted pain, because thinking about it has brought a whole lot of stuff to the fore.
As part of that particular play session, Daddy also decided to use some spreader bars on me, and make me waddle around the room on my hands and knees. He also got me to clean up the pile of pegs I had inflicted on myself with my teeth, having to waddle around the room to move the pile from the floor to their container. I've often said that I'm not that big a fan of humiliation play, but I think that's wrong - I do like being humiliated when I'm in that subby space.
So, all in all, a wonderful, brilliant trip. I certainly hope we get a chance to go back again, if only so we can get to use the Dungeon again! But also I feel a whole lot closer to my Daddy now that we've spent that couple of days bonding on a BDSM level. I can't wait until we move in together in our own house, because I've missed that opportunity you have in a safe space to play, and I like random play! :)
First off - Macushla Farm is such a beautiful property. Right out in the bush, with trees and nature everywhere, it was the perfect place to relax and recharge. The Cabin we stayed in was absolutely stunning and beautiful.
But the best part of the entire trip? The Dungeon, and playing with my Daddy. The Dungeon at Macushla Farm is one of the best dungeons I've seen, with so much fantastic furniture. I swear, me and Daddy were like kids in a candy store - We could barely decide what to start with first! Some highlights of the play:
The Naughty Chair: I think I may have found my new favourite pain infliction device. It's simple enough - it's a stool with bottle caps glued to the seat, with the sharp bits pointed up. The thing that makes it fantastic is not the pain when you sit down - it's actually quite bearable, you could sit in it for quite some time and not have to tap out. No, it's the getting up that's the... "fun" part. Especially if your tormentor has decided to inflict some extra pain while you're in the seat by sitting on your lap. Because as you're getting up, the bottle caps cause much more pain on the getting up. The first time we used it I ended up with a lovely bruised pattern on my butt. I may, possibly, be looking for appropriate stools in Op Shops to convert into naughty chairs in the future, since they look incredibly simple to make.
Playing with CBT: I've always been a sucker for CBT, and with a lovely gynaecologist's chair, we had the perfect setting. I really do like CBT a lot, and since me and Daddy have been approached to do some play for an exhibit later this year, we figured we'd get some practice in. We mostly just played around with pegs and weights, but in and of itself was a lot of fun!
Torturing and Lowering Myself: On the second day, I convinced Daddy to take a slightly different approach - he'd order me to do stuff to myself. Honestly, I found that to be one of the more fun parts of the trip, for reasons I'm still digesting on. I suspect this weekend's post is going to be about self-inflicted pain, because thinking about it has brought a whole lot of stuff to the fore.
As part of that particular play session, Daddy also decided to use some spreader bars on me, and make me waddle around the room on my hands and knees. He also got me to clean up the pile of pegs I had inflicted on myself with my teeth, having to waddle around the room to move the pile from the floor to their container. I've often said that I'm not that big a fan of humiliation play, but I think that's wrong - I do like being humiliated when I'm in that subby space.
So, all in all, a wonderful, brilliant trip. I certainly hope we get a chance to go back again, if only so we can get to use the Dungeon again! But also I feel a whole lot closer to my Daddy now that we've spent that couple of days bonding on a BDSM level. I can't wait until we move in together in our own house, because I've missed that opportunity you have in a safe space to play, and I like random play! :)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Going to the farm!
Well, sorta.
I have a week of leave at work at the moment, so we're planning to have a little holiday out at Macushla Farm. Frankly, it's very exciting and all - we've never gone to a BDSM retreat together alone before, and it's going to be very fun to see how much fun we get up to. We'll be going for a couple of nights, and it will be great to get away from the house, and spend a weekend in full kink mode, something we haven't done for absolute ages.
You'd better believe that I'm planning a few posts when we get back about the whole experience. I'm also hoping that a BDSM getaway away will really kickstart our kinky lives again, after so much stuff over the last few months has kinda pushed it to the wayside for a while.
But I don't doubt that'll happen. It will be wonderful and brilliant.
I have a week of leave at work at the moment, so we're planning to have a little holiday out at Macushla Farm. Frankly, it's very exciting and all - we've never gone to a BDSM retreat together alone before, and it's going to be very fun to see how much fun we get up to. We'll be going for a couple of nights, and it will be great to get away from the house, and spend a weekend in full kink mode, something we haven't done for absolute ages.
You'd better believe that I'm planning a few posts when we get back about the whole experience. I'm also hoping that a BDSM getaway away will really kickstart our kinky lives again, after so much stuff over the last few months has kinda pushed it to the wayside for a while.
But I don't doubt that'll happen. It will be wonderful and brilliant.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Partners
Me and Daddy are polyamorous people - We don't believe in exclusivity in partners, which is kinda good, because we definitely have needs that the other can't always provide. For one thing, I could never embrace my switchiness with my Daddy - He can't sub for me, and I definitely cannot Dom him.
During the course of our relationship, we've had partners come and go. I met Daddy when he was already in a relationship with another woman. For a short period I was playing with a subby boy. In the last year or so, Daddy has found two other partners, the most recent of which has shown up in the last few months, and it's utterly fantastic to watch my Daddy connect with these new partners, in different and sometimes very similar ways. I rarely get jealous when my Daddy's attention is given to other people - I know I get what I want from my Daddy.
Recently I've been looking at my desires for partners. Since my play-partner ended our arrangement, I've not really had any significant partners other than my Daddy. But it's not like I've been looking - I've been pretty comfortable in this relationship, and while I've occasionally made noises about going and finding new partners, I've never been serious enough about it to actually go look.
A while back I was talking to my Daddy about this state of affairs, and he made a very good point to me - I probably haven't really looked because I've not really known what I was looking for. Many of my relationship have, well, just come to me. I've pursued a few once I knew people were interested, but I've never really gone looking for relationships myself, and I think a lot of this is to do with the fact that I don't have any real goal in mind as to the kinds of people I want to have a relationship with. Without a real goal, I can't really be looking, can I?
I've been thinking for the last week or so about the kind of partners I want. As it turns out, it's really difficult! I know the really general stuff (I know I'd like someone as a Sub, f'rex), but I can't narrow in to the specifics - even down to the obvious "Am I looking for a girl or a boy?" question, I don't have a real answer.
I also have some concerns relating to my past. To look for partners generally means utilising services like Dating sites, going out to bars, generally going out of your way to meet people. And frankly, the last times I used those services? I was mostly using them for sex. And whenever I think about using these sorts of services, that's the reaction I start to get - are these people just out for sex? Am I just replying to this for the option of sex? Can I embrace meeting people without immediately thinking of the sex aspect? It's a major impediment to me putting myself out there. I know that I'm never going to get over this sort of thing unless I actually do use those resources for more than sex, but there's that fear there that's hard to break down.
It's just a lot of effort, really, just to get started. No wonder I was always happier just waiting for people to come to me. But that's not going to work anymore. I have a partner, that instantly stops a lot of people. If I want more partners, I need to put myself out there. Considering how much I hang out with my Daddy, I can't assume I give out "Available" vibes. Am I willing to put the work in?
Guess I'll just have to wait and see.
During the course of our relationship, we've had partners come and go. I met Daddy when he was already in a relationship with another woman. For a short period I was playing with a subby boy. In the last year or so, Daddy has found two other partners, the most recent of which has shown up in the last few months, and it's utterly fantastic to watch my Daddy connect with these new partners, in different and sometimes very similar ways. I rarely get jealous when my Daddy's attention is given to other people - I know I get what I want from my Daddy.
Recently I've been looking at my desires for partners. Since my play-partner ended our arrangement, I've not really had any significant partners other than my Daddy. But it's not like I've been looking - I've been pretty comfortable in this relationship, and while I've occasionally made noises about going and finding new partners, I've never been serious enough about it to actually go look.
A while back I was talking to my Daddy about this state of affairs, and he made a very good point to me - I probably haven't really looked because I've not really known what I was looking for. Many of my relationship have, well, just come to me. I've pursued a few once I knew people were interested, but I've never really gone looking for relationships myself, and I think a lot of this is to do with the fact that I don't have any real goal in mind as to the kinds of people I want to have a relationship with. Without a real goal, I can't really be looking, can I?
I've been thinking for the last week or so about the kind of partners I want. As it turns out, it's really difficult! I know the really general stuff (I know I'd like someone as a Sub, f'rex), but I can't narrow in to the specifics - even down to the obvious "Am I looking for a girl or a boy?" question, I don't have a real answer.
I also have some concerns relating to my past. To look for partners generally means utilising services like Dating sites, going out to bars, generally going out of your way to meet people. And frankly, the last times I used those services? I was mostly using them for sex. And whenever I think about using these sorts of services, that's the reaction I start to get - are these people just out for sex? Am I just replying to this for the option of sex? Can I embrace meeting people without immediately thinking of the sex aspect? It's a major impediment to me putting myself out there. I know that I'm never going to get over this sort of thing unless I actually do use those resources for more than sex, but there's that fear there that's hard to break down.
It's just a lot of effort, really, just to get started. No wonder I was always happier just waiting for people to come to me. But that's not going to work anymore. I have a partner, that instantly stops a lot of people. If I want more partners, I need to put myself out there. Considering how much I hang out with my Daddy, I can't assume I give out "Available" vibes. Am I willing to put the work in?
Guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Unrequested Service
The last weekend has been me helping my Daddy move out of his apartment into my share house, and of course I've been the person who has helped through the entire move process. Even if I weren't his boy, I'd drop things to help him out if he asked, but sometimes I go an extra step further.
Yesterday, I had to go back to his place (where I'd parked the car) after dropping off the rental van, and Daddy had asked me to make sure that the vacuum cleaner that his previous housemate had left there got back to her. Well, she wasn't going to be around for an hour or so, as she was out with friends. So, what did I do? I ended up vacuuming around the house. When I got to my Daddy's room, I realised that I couldn't vacuum the room without cleaning it up, so I spent half an hour putting the last bits and pieces in boxes, clearing up the larger pieces of trash into bags. And then I vacuumed the room to perfection.
My Daddy, of course, didn't ask for me to do this. I just went ahead and did it, because I had the time to burn, and, you know, it's vacuuming! It's the one chore in the house that uses a power tool! How can anyone not like vaccuming! But of course, it has the nice benefit that today, when we go back to Daddy's apartment to do the last bits of packing? Daddy won't have to worry about any extra effort - I've predone just about everything he needed to do today. We just have to pick up the last few things.
All just part of the Service!
Yesterday, I had to go back to his place (where I'd parked the car) after dropping off the rental van, and Daddy had asked me to make sure that the vacuum cleaner that his previous housemate had left there got back to her. Well, she wasn't going to be around for an hour or so, as she was out with friends. So, what did I do? I ended up vacuuming around the house. When I got to my Daddy's room, I realised that I couldn't vacuum the room without cleaning it up, so I spent half an hour putting the last bits and pieces in boxes, clearing up the larger pieces of trash into bags. And then I vacuumed the room to perfection.
My Daddy, of course, didn't ask for me to do this. I just went ahead and did it, because I had the time to burn, and, you know, it's vacuuming! It's the one chore in the house that uses a power tool! How can anyone not like vaccuming! But of course, it has the nice benefit that today, when we go back to Daddy's apartment to do the last bits of packing? Daddy won't have to worry about any extra effort - I've predone just about everything he needed to do today. We just have to pick up the last few things.
All just part of the Service!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Well-pleased with myself
The other think that happened at Kinky last week was that I got to have another opportunity of playing with my friend EB. We're both happily switchy sensation sluts, and we both know it. I've played with her a couple of times previously, and even outside of play we're both very huggy people towards each other - Touch is a shared passion for us.
Our main play ritual ends up being pretty simple - She lies down, eyes closed. I then take whatever is in my toybox at the time and use it to make different sensations on her skin. Because my Sensation toykit is not terribly advanced as of yet, I often improvise to come up with as many sensations as I can think of - my blindfold, for example, has both a leather side and a divinely soft fur side, which makes it a brilliant sensation toy in a pinch. Things like plastic wrapped fingers, paintbrushes, hairbrushes, floggers, even hairpins and such get used to good effect. At the end of the session, I take EB through all the toys I used, with her often being amazed at what gets used.
After this session, she told me that when I play with her, it often feels like she's being spoiled, which made me feel very happy - Sensation play is one of the few areas in BDSM where I feel genuinely confident, and for EB to compliment those skills makes me very happy indeed.
Through the night, EB also ended up playing with me as well - first just a few minutes of her lightly scratching her nails down my back, which was brilliant, and then later in the night she and Daddy decided to tag-team me with a pair of Vampire Gloves. It was, by the way, incredibly fun watching Daddy and EB, with two very different sensation styles. EB was almost experimental, going lightly and doing rather unexpected things with her glove, like holding wrists and exerting pressure, while Daddy, knowing my body a lot more, went right for my sensitive spots.
By the by, Vampire gloves are absolutely brilliant, and give the most intense sensations I've had for a while. Daddy has told me that he's ordered a pair, and I'm half-tempted to buy a pair myself, because they are seriously great! Certainly something I want in my sensation kit, that's for sure!
Our main play ritual ends up being pretty simple - She lies down, eyes closed. I then take whatever is in my toybox at the time and use it to make different sensations on her skin. Because my Sensation toykit is not terribly advanced as of yet, I often improvise to come up with as many sensations as I can think of - my blindfold, for example, has both a leather side and a divinely soft fur side, which makes it a brilliant sensation toy in a pinch. Things like plastic wrapped fingers, paintbrushes, hairbrushes, floggers, even hairpins and such get used to good effect. At the end of the session, I take EB through all the toys I used, with her often being amazed at what gets used.
After this session, she told me that when I play with her, it often feels like she's being spoiled, which made me feel very happy - Sensation play is one of the few areas in BDSM where I feel genuinely confident, and for EB to compliment those skills makes me very happy indeed.
Through the night, EB also ended up playing with me as well - first just a few minutes of her lightly scratching her nails down my back, which was brilliant, and then later in the night she and Daddy decided to tag-team me with a pair of Vampire Gloves. It was, by the way, incredibly fun watching Daddy and EB, with two very different sensation styles. EB was almost experimental, going lightly and doing rather unexpected things with her glove, like holding wrists and exerting pressure, while Daddy, knowing my body a lot more, went right for my sensitive spots.
By the by, Vampire gloves are absolutely brilliant, and give the most intense sensations I've had for a while. Daddy has told me that he's ordered a pair, and I'm half-tempted to buy a pair myself, because they are seriously great! Certainly something I want in my sensation kit, that's for sure!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Ponies!
So, for the last few months, my Daddy has been promising his new girl that she would get a pony-ride. In lieu of real ponies, my Daddy decided to improvise, and so last Kinky I became a pony for a little portion of the night.
Now, I should digress here - Me taking people for rides has ended badly before. At a recent birthday party of mine, I decided that I was going to take a friend of mine for a piggy-back ride around the park we were at. As a result of uneven ground, going too damn fast, and forgetting that I'm actually an adult and don't have the same tolerance for injury anymore, I ended up with my arm in a sling for the rest of the party, and then a quick trip to the hospital to show that nothing was broken, just a really bad sprain. It, as well as a few other things, caused quite the epiphany, which I may write about at a later date.
But back the the Pony rides.
So we got there, waited for his new girl to arrive, and then got started on rigging me up (see, Daddy made my pony gear out of rope, because hey, when you got lemons...). We'd decided before that we'd give me some practice by giving another one of our friends a pony ride. On reflection, it might not have been the best choice - she was a whole lot heavier than we'd anticipated, and it tired me out terribly. But still, our friend enjoyed her ride, and then Daddy's Girl got to give me a try. She decided that what she wanted was a fun, fast ride. Daddy, having been there for my last piggy-back malfunction, had warned me in no uncertain terms that a canter was as fast as I was to go. Worse, my severe unfitness meant I could only do a single lap around the club (although quite a few people seemed to enjoy the sudden run!)
So, in all, we learned a few things - firstly, I am really unfit. Need to get to the gym more often than I'm going if I'm going to be doing this more often. Also, I was kinda under the impression that the Pony ride was mostly going to be a standard piggy-back with more bondage, but I was very clearly wrong on that end - having to get the gait going was not what I was expecting. Also, my favourite blue leather pants are not appropriate for that kind of play - they're a bit too constricting. Will have to think about other options for pony play.
Also, I'm dreading the point where we start adding heels to the equation - I mean, I'm not too bad with heels, and I've yet to cause any real damage with myself, but having someone on your back while you're in heels? I'm very worried that I'm going to just fall over and hurt someone - possibly myself!
Daddy says there's going to be more training, I suspect that will start in earnest once we move into our own house. I have a lot of training to do, I suspect, if I'm going to make even a half-way decent pony-boy!
Now, I should digress here - Me taking people for rides has ended badly before. At a recent birthday party of mine, I decided that I was going to take a friend of mine for a piggy-back ride around the park we were at. As a result of uneven ground, going too damn fast, and forgetting that I'm actually an adult and don't have the same tolerance for injury anymore, I ended up with my arm in a sling for the rest of the party, and then a quick trip to the hospital to show that nothing was broken, just a really bad sprain. It, as well as a few other things, caused quite the epiphany, which I may write about at a later date.
But back the the Pony rides.
So we got there, waited for his new girl to arrive, and then got started on rigging me up (see, Daddy made my pony gear out of rope, because hey, when you got lemons...). We'd decided before that we'd give me some practice by giving another one of our friends a pony ride. On reflection, it might not have been the best choice - she was a whole lot heavier than we'd anticipated, and it tired me out terribly. But still, our friend enjoyed her ride, and then Daddy's Girl got to give me a try. She decided that what she wanted was a fun, fast ride. Daddy, having been there for my last piggy-back malfunction, had warned me in no uncertain terms that a canter was as fast as I was to go. Worse, my severe unfitness meant I could only do a single lap around the club (although quite a few people seemed to enjoy the sudden run!)
So, in all, we learned a few things - firstly, I am really unfit. Need to get to the gym more often than I'm going if I'm going to be doing this more often. Also, I was kinda under the impression that the Pony ride was mostly going to be a standard piggy-back with more bondage, but I was very clearly wrong on that end - having to get the gait going was not what I was expecting. Also, my favourite blue leather pants are not appropriate for that kind of play - they're a bit too constricting. Will have to think about other options for pony play.
Also, I'm dreading the point where we start adding heels to the equation - I mean, I'm not too bad with heels, and I've yet to cause any real damage with myself, but having someone on your back while you're in heels? I'm very worried that I'm going to just fall over and hurt someone - possibly myself!
Daddy says there's going to be more training, I suspect that will start in earnest once we move into our own house. I have a lot of training to do, I suspect, if I'm going to make even a half-way decent pony-boy!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Additional thoughts on Chastity
So, I'm back in the CB-6000 for the next while, and since it's been a while, Me and Daddy decided to do a few things a little differently. As such I have a brand new set of thoughts:
The Stocking Method. As it turns out, it's a really good method for getting a cage on really quickly. For those unaware, the stocking method involves getting a cheap/old stocking, placing the penis in one end, and feeding the other end through the pee slot in the device, then pulling the stocking through the device, effectively shimmying the penis snugly in. You then pull the rest of the stocking out. Easy!
So, the good part is that it takes almost no time at all to get everything in - instead of the standard 10-15 minutes of starting, getting hard, stopping, then another mad dash of shoving penis in until I get hard and have to stop again (which also includes all the pinching and pain of having loose skin everywhere and getting in the way). The stocking method not only pulls it through really quickly with a minimum of fuss, but there's no loose skin around the bottom of the cage, so there's no problems with sudden pinching when you're trying to get the cage and the ring linked together. It's absolutely brilliant.
Foreskin problems. There's just one little problem - it means that my foreskin sticks a little bit out of the device. This is actually really awkward, and a really big problem, for the very good reason is that now I have pinching on the other end of the cage. If I wear underwear, the foreskin pinches between the hard plastic and the underwear, and it's actually really hard to get things rearranged without looking weird about it.
At the moment, I'm working around the problem by not wearing underwear, but this is just a temporary fix at best. I don't think it's going to work as a permanent solution (besides, I like underwear, a lot, almost to fetish levels, and I don't want to have to lose the item of clothing I like the most!).
The other permanent solution would be to get circumcised. Which, honestly, I could go for, and was considering long before this point, so I'd actually be okay with, but Daddy really doesn't want me to at all - he much prefers me to be uncut as I am now. I really like the look of cut cocks, and I'd love to see mine cut, but of course for the moment that's not a solution that can really be implemented very quickly anyway, so for the moment, I really need to find some other options.
Probably a slightly better and less drastic solution would be to just cave in and get The Curve I guess, but then we chose against it for visibility purposes. We didn't actually gauge the real visibility of the Curve, but it may well end up being the better solution in the end, since it's quite likely that I'm actually a little too big for the CB-6000 in general.
I think before I go for any solution I'm going to have to do some talking with other men in chastity and see if anyone has some good solutions to the foreskin problem other than the above. If there's an easy way to fix it, then it seems obvious to try them first, really, before doing something more expensive or more drastic!
The Stocking Method. As it turns out, it's a really good method for getting a cage on really quickly. For those unaware, the stocking method involves getting a cheap/old stocking, placing the penis in one end, and feeding the other end through the pee slot in the device, then pulling the stocking through the device, effectively shimmying the penis snugly in. You then pull the rest of the stocking out. Easy!
So, the good part is that it takes almost no time at all to get everything in - instead of the standard 10-15 minutes of starting, getting hard, stopping, then another mad dash of shoving penis in until I get hard and have to stop again (which also includes all the pinching and pain of having loose skin everywhere and getting in the way). The stocking method not only pulls it through really quickly with a minimum of fuss, but there's no loose skin around the bottom of the cage, so there's no problems with sudden pinching when you're trying to get the cage and the ring linked together. It's absolutely brilliant.
Foreskin problems. There's just one little problem - it means that my foreskin sticks a little bit out of the device. This is actually really awkward, and a really big problem, for the very good reason is that now I have pinching on the other end of the cage. If I wear underwear, the foreskin pinches between the hard plastic and the underwear, and it's actually really hard to get things rearranged without looking weird about it.
At the moment, I'm working around the problem by not wearing underwear, but this is just a temporary fix at best. I don't think it's going to work as a permanent solution (besides, I like underwear, a lot, almost to fetish levels, and I don't want to have to lose the item of clothing I like the most!).
The other permanent solution would be to get circumcised. Which, honestly, I could go for, and was considering long before this point, so I'd actually be okay with, but Daddy really doesn't want me to at all - he much prefers me to be uncut as I am now. I really like the look of cut cocks, and I'd love to see mine cut, but of course for the moment that's not a solution that can really be implemented very quickly anyway, so for the moment, I really need to find some other options.
Probably a slightly better and less drastic solution would be to just cave in and get The Curve I guess, but then we chose against it for visibility purposes. We didn't actually gauge the real visibility of the Curve, but it may well end up being the better solution in the end, since it's quite likely that I'm actually a little too big for the CB-6000 in general.
I think before I go for any solution I'm going to have to do some talking with other men in chastity and see if anyone has some good solutions to the foreskin problem other than the above. If there's an easy way to fix it, then it seems obvious to try them first, really, before doing something more expensive or more drastic!
An unfortunate absence
You will probably have noticed that I've been gone for the last month or so. The simple answer is that life has frankly completely exploded, and updating this blog was absolutely the last thing on my mind. With all the stress and disaster going on in my life, it's brought my kink life to a total standstill, as me and my Daddy struggle just to keep ourselves safe and sane. Further, moving Daddy out of his apartment into my sharehouse means that he hasn't had a lot of energy to devote to our kink.
Worse, the stress of the last few weeks seems to be pushing me back into old patterns. It's not surprising I guess - when under enough stress, you start turning back to the behaviours that you used to cope with the stress, and of course, the behaviours are still in your head, just waiting to reactivate. But there were good reason for me turning away from those behaviours, as they make me incredibly unhappy, and this just adds further and further to the stress. About the only times where I can feel like the stress isn't there is in the arms of my Daddy, which just makes the periods away from him even harder. I'm hoping that I have the inner strength to wrench myself away from those old patterns again, but it seems so hard this time.
To be honest, despite me not really being in much of a headspace, I miss a lot of our D/s. I have been doing random acts of service to my Daddy, as much as I can, I have been his support as he goes through some very stressful times in his life, but of course, I'm also going through stress, so this is a time where I have needed my Daddy just as much. And he has been there for me so much, I am so glad to have him, and I'm so glad that he is there with me.
And I am torn somewhat, because as much as I would crave more D/s during this time, I know that ultimately, it's not going to be healthy - it would be a way to distract myself from the emotions that I have. My job already gives me enough of that - talking to people for my entire work period means I can just lock away my emotions behind my demeanor on the phone. And it simply doesn't work - I've broken down once from not facing the emotions. Running away from myself by being all-consumed by my Daddy is a wonderful dream, but would be so unhealthy for me that it would tear me apart, and my Daddy would rightly stop me from doing so.
So it seems that I am in something of an unfortunate absence. My D/s duties are lighter than I would like, and yet, I'm concerned that any heavier and I'll destroy myself. I guess the answer is to simply take everything one step at a time, to know that I have permission from the world to slow down and recover, and to not think I'm recovered already. Today, Daddy has promised me another go in my chastity cage, after a very long time without, and I can't wait to see how this goes.
Worse, the stress of the last few weeks seems to be pushing me back into old patterns. It's not surprising I guess - when under enough stress, you start turning back to the behaviours that you used to cope with the stress, and of course, the behaviours are still in your head, just waiting to reactivate. But there were good reason for me turning away from those behaviours, as they make me incredibly unhappy, and this just adds further and further to the stress. About the only times where I can feel like the stress isn't there is in the arms of my Daddy, which just makes the periods away from him even harder. I'm hoping that I have the inner strength to wrench myself away from those old patterns again, but it seems so hard this time.
To be honest, despite me not really being in much of a headspace, I miss a lot of our D/s. I have been doing random acts of service to my Daddy, as much as I can, I have been his support as he goes through some very stressful times in his life, but of course, I'm also going through stress, so this is a time where I have needed my Daddy just as much. And he has been there for me so much, I am so glad to have him, and I'm so glad that he is there with me.
And I am torn somewhat, because as much as I would crave more D/s during this time, I know that ultimately, it's not going to be healthy - it would be a way to distract myself from the emotions that I have. My job already gives me enough of that - talking to people for my entire work period means I can just lock away my emotions behind my demeanor on the phone. And it simply doesn't work - I've broken down once from not facing the emotions. Running away from myself by being all-consumed by my Daddy is a wonderful dream, but would be so unhealthy for me that it would tear me apart, and my Daddy would rightly stop me from doing so.
So it seems that I am in something of an unfortunate absence. My D/s duties are lighter than I would like, and yet, I'm concerned that any heavier and I'll destroy myself. I guess the answer is to simply take everything one step at a time, to know that I have permission from the world to slow down and recover, and to not think I'm recovered already. Today, Daddy has promised me another go in my chastity cage, after a very long time without, and I can't wait to see how this goes.
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