The Fear

Those precious few readers I have have probably noticed that I'm not doing a lot of Fantasy Boy Posts anymore. It's been bugging me, why I can't seem to get enough material to fill these posts. It's not that I don't have fantasies, because I have plenty of them. But they're not fantasies based in reality, not fantasies that other people can connect to.

I've talked about this previously, but never in a particularly in-depth way. Last night, when me and Daddy were driving home from a party, we talked for a bit and a few things crystallised for me.

I like to think I'm a very sex-positive person. I believe that sex should be a wonderful thing, that people shouldn't be attacked for their sexuality, whatever form that takes, that it's a perfectly normal facet of existence that people shouldn't be scared of.

However, I am terrified of sex.

And there's a few components to that fear. Firstly, I'm an extremely anxious boy by nature. Anything that's not within my routine can be scary for me, if we have to be honest with each other.

Secondly, and I think this is the big one, I have an intense fear of being vulnerable. I'll admit it - I find it exceptionally difficult to trust people, and that includes my Daddy. I have my reasons for this, and it's not entirely unjustified, but the fact remains, I don't have a lot of trust in the people around me. I depend on them, I feel they are fundamentally good people, and will do a lot for people on the trust that they'll give back when I need, but trusting people with me? Almost never happens. And this lack of trust in people means that breaking down those barriers and being vulnerable is so exceptionally hard.

But where, pray tell, does this connect into my concern about single-player fantasies? It's actually rather simple - Single-player fantasies are safe. They involve only me, and I trust me. Introducing other people into my fantasies instantly makes those fantasies less appealing - because to make those fantasies come to life requires that I be willing to trust those inner-most fantasies to another person, and then trust that they will accept and play that fantasy for me, if I asked, and that's waaaay more vulnerable than I'm comfortable with.

Up until recently, I used to be a roleplayer. I used to come up with fantasies, play them out with a group of people. I used to be able to get reasonably into character (I can't say I was a truly immersive roleplayer, to be honest), I used to be able to provide motivations and plot hooks to try and get an outcome that I wanted. But I can't even dream up a fantasy when it comes to sex. I'm immensely uncomfortable with sex, can barely talk about what I want (hell, can barely talk about what I don't want)...

It's not surprising that I haven't been able to engage with my Daddy to come up with decent fantasies, and even when my Daddy brings his fantasies to the table, it's not surprising that I can't engage with him about it either.

And it funnels into plenty of other parts of my life as well. I keep saying a want another partner, but the idea of connecting with another person enough to have even a play-partner relationship is incredibly scary. The last time I did it, it was still insanely scary, and I barely got through what I wanted. This fear of sex and intimacy is going to kill any future relationships before they happen, and I'm afraid is slowly poisoning the one relationship I currently have. My Daddy has my trust enough that sex isn't much of an issue (although I still have some horrendous hangups), but I'm worried that I'm running from the intimacy angle.

I need to change this. I need to learn to trust, but I'm honestly not sure how I go about it. Before now, I thought I did trust my Daddy, but clearly not enough to get what we both need out of our sex lives.

Birthdays, Service and Community

In a previous post I talked about the surprise I was planning to give my Daddy for his birthday. Yesterday I got to give that surprise to my Daddy, and believe me, it was every bit worth the effort.

It's rare that you get to render your Daddy speechless, but that was pretty much his reaction to me organising with his friends to raise over $2000 for a suit for my Daddy. It just proved to me that this surprise was the very best thing I could have done.

Also, it had the added side effect of bringing my Daddy into greater esteem with his friends - a lot more people remembered his birthday this year than they normally would, and honestly, that makes me almost as happy as the present itself. Part of service should be to add to your Daddy's good name, and not only have I provided him with good publicity in his community, but now they know what kind of a Boy he has serving him.

And everyone knows that a Boy's behaviour reflects upon his Daddy. I hope that he is pleased!

Moving in with the Daddy

So, it's true - me and Daddy have technically been living together for a while. But living together in a share house is always an awkward state of affairs - there is never any real sense of privacy, and with people always around the house it is difficult to get into a D/s mindset - one always has to be conscious of everyone around them.

But very shortly, that is all going to change. You see, Me and Daddy finally got a new place. It's going to be ours, and ours only. A house that we can manage all to ourselves. A house where I can wear as much or as little as me and my Daddy desire. A place where we can have our own little dungeon to call our own. A place where there can be orders, and dirty sex, and procedures and protocols, and no one around to gainsay us.

It's, of course, not going to be that easy. Me and Daddy have had our D/s relationship on the backburner for quite some time. Oh, it's there, and we both feel it, (I feel it everyday when I feel the collar around my neck), but due to stress, and moving, and no privacy, it's not been something that we have had much chance to genuinely build up. Getting back into the swing of a D/s relationship is going to take work, and I have a strong suspicion that I'm going to feel put upon for a while until my place is firmly assured again.

But to have a place to ourselves again, a place where we can feel safe, where we can let our kink out as much as we desire... The environment will be there, and it will then only be up to us to bring our D/s embers back into a roaring flame.

It's going to be fun. Frankly, I wish we were already moved in!

Service with a Surprise

So, I've been planning special surprises for my Daddy's birthday. It's been a long time in the making - I'd sorta planned the surprise very early on this year, and I've been actively working to make the surprise come to life in the last few months.

It brings me into something of a bind - these sorts of surprises don't seem to gel well with the idea of honest service. After all, aren't I supposed to be open and honest with my Daddy?

The answer of course, is much more complicated than that. Birthdays are one of those events where surprises are not only tolerated, but almost expected, and looked forward to. Also, while I was kinda hoping that I'd be able to keep the lid on the surprise right up until Daddy's birthday, it's existence was revealed, mostly due to my lapse, but there you go. This has meant, however, that Daddy has been an active agent in keeping the surprise away from him - he doesn't want to know! This makes my life a whole lot easier, although I've been told that a lot of my confederates in the surprise have been rather on eggshells, being terrified that they'll give away the secret. Of course, I was prepared for this eventuality, so I tell Daddy I'm doing something different every time he asks what I'm getting for his birthday. Among the list of things that I've told him are:

• A Pimp-mobile
• A golden cane
• A lifetime supply of toothpaste
• A pony
• More fairy bread than there is in the world
• A slave

And I have plenty more up my sleeve as well. This kind of fun and games with my Daddy is actually really fun - he gets to be excited about surprises, and I get to be the one that surprises him on his birthday. It's going to be fantastic.

I'd like to enthuse more about how awesome the whole process has been, but of course, this blog is specifically for my Daddy - don't want to accidentally spoiler him before the big day! Suffice to say though, that when he knows...

He's going to be stunned.

Lacking Passion

Last night, me and Daddy had another one of our Deep and Meaningfuls. Daddy had started a brand new project to help homelessness in his community, and was disturbed at my lack of enthusiasm about it. He kept pushing me until I finally admitted that I didn't want to be enthusiastic about the project, with various excuses being thrown out. This kept going forth until we got down to the root of the matter - I don't want to be emotional at all. To be enthusiastic about the project would mean I'd have to have some emotional response, and emotion, to me, is still the enemy.

Daddy made a comment during the discussion that this attitude of mine made it incredibly difficult for him to scene with me - I can't "get into" the scene enough for him to be able to connect with me, which for him is the entire point of a scene. I have a stunning tendency to just "disconnect" from the world on a pretty much constant basis. And I self-reinforce it, all the time. Because I try not to experience my emotions, they naturally bottle up, and when I feel them, the explode all over the place - which, really, doesn't make me desire to experience them more often.

Daddy is planning to make me work on experiencing these things, but honestly I'm not sure how much I want to do it. I mean, yes, I want to be able to scene with my Daddy, I want to be able to connect with him, I want to be able to have a relationship that's fulfilling for both of us. But I'm really invested in my identity as a logical, intellectual person (even if that identity has frayed a lot in the last few years), and I still have this gut reaction against the idea of actually expressing and feeling emotions. It pulls against pretty much 25 years of keeping my emotions away from my me. Even if he pushes, will I go with it? Do I want the benefits enough to be willing to make the effort? I can feel myself railing against the idea - it's so foreign to me, it's scary. Can I really get past the fear of self-change?

If there's one thing I do feel, it's fear and anxiety for what's ahead. I don't think I can do this, even with help. How can I change something that's so vital to my own self-image? How can I shift a part of myself that has become a major self-defence mechanism against the various shit that goes through my life? How can I learn to connect to people when not connecting to the world at all is how I manage to not break down crying every day? Can I really be part of a D/s relationship when I refuse to become truly vulnerable and connect with my Daddy?

It all goddamn terrifies me, and I don't know where to go. I don't want to lose everything but I don't want to lose who I am, and I'm afraid that this is such a huge change that should I do it, I will literally become a completely different person. And I kinda like who I am now. What if I become someone terrible? What if during this whole thing I break down and become a useless emotional basketcase? What if after this change Daddy decides he doesn't like who I've become and leaves me? Worse, what if I can't do it, at all, and Daddy can't deal with the fact that I'll never be in touch enough with my emotions to connect?

I keep wanting to end this, but it just keeps coming out. I feel like I want to end this with some comment about how despite all these issues, I'll still do it, because he's my Daddy. But that's just it - will I? I certainly don't want to do it, even if I know rationally that it might be good for me. What feelings I have seem hell-bent on me opting out of this whole idea. I think I may just have to end this without resolution, alas.

Partners and Crazy

For a while now, I've been making rather vague noises about looking for other partners.. But really, that's all it's been - vague noises. The idea of actually going out and looking for more partners was always a little bit uncomfortable for me, so even if I had profiles on dating site, I never really bothered that much. But after our trip to Macushla Farm, Daddy had had his imagination fired up by the possibilities of kinky family holidays, and so Daddy decided to sit down with me and start pushing for those vague noises to to become clearer plans for partners.

As one might expect, this did not go down so well. Those vague plans had been vague mainly because I'd never dared think any further than vague feelings on the matter. Daddy pushing it further just made me try and run harder from it, and it took quite some time to track down the cause.

And that cause? Well, it's rather simple - I'm not confident in my ability to sustain another relationship with full communication. We al know that communication is not my strong suit (hence the entire reason for this blog), and while communication is incredibly important in any relationship, it's absolutely vital for relationships with multiple partners. And it doesn't help that Daddy has always been the jealous type around me. You never want to make your Daddy unhappy, or uncomfortable, and talking about what you're doing with other partners to someone who tends to get jealous just fires that all up.

And hell, talking about sex and BDSM is a huge thing for me - it takes huge amounts of effort for me to have a frank and open conversation on those subjects, thanks to previous programming. While I'm making progress, it's still incredibly hard.

But I don't think I really have much of a choice anymore.

Tonight I went to Kinky, and probably for the first time in a while I had this crazy urge to top someone. This doesn't happen terribly often, but while Daddy was out suspending people, I was around doing not much in particular, and after some self-testing with my TENS unit with some help from a friend of mine, I started really craving play with someone else. Alas, my sensation-play friend ended up not coming to Kinky tonight, so I didn't get my regular play. And while I chatted to other people, I didn't feel terribly comfortable in trolling for play on my own.

These desires have become more and more frequent in the last while. They don't often come out around Daddy (there's just no way I could top him at all), but in fantasies in my head, me being top has been getting more and more frequent.

So, it's become official - I seriously need a partner to top.

But to get a new partner, I need to actually start forcing myself to do shit like, I dunno, define what kind of partner I'm really looking for. And that's shit, because I have never done that in the history of my relationships. I have a tendency to fall for people, and I have pursued from time to time, but it's always been people, not types. I never think about what kinds of people I want to go out with, because there's usually a specific person who's either expressed interest in me, or who I've tried to actively pursue, so well, the whole target thing is sorted straight away.

But now I don't have that. No single person I'm gunning for. I have to actually start the process of dating, of talking to random strangers and chatting, and figuring out if this is the kind of person I want. The last bit I have some practice in, but the first bit? Still very scary for someone who is, despite appearances, still a very shy, awkward boy, who has very little experience in this whole looking for people thing.

And honestly? I know that the only way forward is, well, forward - to start looking, start learning these things from the beginning. Everyone has to do it at some point. But that fear... It's a scary, scary thing to do.

Fun at the Farm!

This week I've been on leave from my work, and so me and Daddy decided to take a trip to reconnect with each other, as we'd noted that real life had pushed a lot of the BDSM from our lives in the past few months. We'd known about a lovely Bed & Breakfast in Taradale called Macushla Farm, and decided to spend a couple of days there.

First off - Macushla Farm is such a beautiful property. Right out in the bush, with trees and nature everywhere, it was the perfect place to relax and recharge. The Cabin we stayed in was absolutely stunning and beautiful.

But the best part of the entire trip? The Dungeon, and playing with my Daddy. The Dungeon at Macushla Farm is one of the best dungeons I've seen, with so much fantastic furniture. I swear, me and Daddy were like kids in a candy store - We could barely decide what to start with first! Some highlights of the play:

The Naughty Chair: I think I may have found my new favourite pain infliction device. It's simple enough - it's a stool with bottle caps glued to the seat, with the sharp bits pointed up. The thing that makes it fantastic is not the pain when you sit down - it's actually quite bearable, you could sit in it for quite some time and not have to tap out. No, it's the getting up that's the... "fun" part. Especially if your tormentor has decided to inflict some extra pain while you're in the seat by sitting on your lap. Because as you're getting up, the bottle caps cause much more pain on the getting up. The first time we used it I ended up with a lovely bruised pattern on my butt. I may, possibly, be looking for appropriate stools in Op Shops to convert into naughty chairs in the future, since they look incredibly simple to make.

Playing with CBT: I've always been a sucker for CBT, and with a lovely gynaecologist's chair, we had the perfect setting. I really do like CBT a lot, and since me and Daddy have been approached to do some play for an exhibit later this year, we figured we'd get some practice in. We mostly just played around with pegs and weights, but in and of itself was a lot of fun!

Torturing and Lowering Myself: On the second day, I convinced Daddy to take a slightly different approach - he'd order me to do stuff to myself. Honestly, I found that to be one of the more fun parts of the trip, for reasons I'm still digesting on. I suspect this weekend's post is going to be about self-inflicted pain, because thinking about it has brought a whole lot of stuff to the fore.

As part of that particular play session, Daddy also decided to use some spreader bars on me, and make me waddle around the room on my hands and knees. He also got me to clean up the pile of pegs I had inflicted on myself with my teeth, having to waddle around the room to move the pile from the floor to their container. I've often said that I'm not that big a fan of humiliation play, but I think that's wrong - I do like being humiliated when I'm in that subby space.

So, all in all, a wonderful, brilliant trip. I certainly hope we get a chance to go back again, if only so we can get to use the Dungeon again! But also I feel a whole lot closer to my Daddy now that we've spent that couple of days bonding on a BDSM level. I can't wait until we move in together in our own house, because I've missed that opportunity you have in a safe space to play, and I like random play! :)

Going to the farm!

Well, sorta.

I have a week of leave at work at the moment, so we're planning to have a little holiday out at Macushla Farm. Frankly, it's very exciting and all - we've never gone to a BDSM retreat together alone before, and it's going to be very fun to see how much fun we get up to. We'll be going for a couple of nights, and it will be great to get away from the house, and spend a weekend in full kink mode, something we haven't done for absolute ages.

You'd better believe that I'm planning a few posts when we get back about the whole experience. I'm also hoping that a BDSM getaway away will really kickstart our kinky lives again, after so much stuff over the last few months has kinda pushed it to the wayside for a while.

But I don't doubt that'll happen. It will be wonderful and brilliant.

Partners

Me and Daddy are polyamorous people - We don't believe in exclusivity in partners, which is kinda good, because we definitely have needs that the other can't always provide. For one thing, I could never embrace my switchiness with my Daddy - He can't sub for me, and I definitely cannot Dom him.

During the course of our relationship, we've had partners come and go. I met Daddy when he was already in a relationship with another woman. For a short period I was playing with a subby boy. In the last year or so, Daddy has found two other partners, the most recent of which has shown up in the last few months, and it's utterly fantastic to watch my Daddy connect with these new partners, in different and sometimes very similar ways. I rarely get jealous when my Daddy's attention is given to other people - I know I get what I want from my Daddy.

Recently I've been looking at my desires for partners. Since my play-partner ended our arrangement, I've not really had any significant partners other than my Daddy. But it's not like I've been looking - I've been pretty comfortable in this relationship, and while I've occasionally made noises about going and finding new partners, I've never been serious enough about it to actually go look.

A while back I was talking to my Daddy about this state of affairs, and he made a very good point to me - I probably haven't really looked because I've not really known what I was looking for. Many of my relationship have, well, just come to me. I've pursued a few once I knew people were interested, but I've never really gone looking for relationships myself, and I think a lot of this is to do with the fact that I don't have any real goal in mind as to the kinds of people I want to have a relationship with. Without a real goal, I can't really be looking, can I?

I've been thinking for the last week or so about the kind of partners I want. As it turns out, it's really difficult! I know the really general stuff (I know I'd like someone as a Sub, f'rex), but I can't narrow in to the specifics - even down to the obvious "Am I looking for a girl or a boy?" question, I don't have a real answer.

I also have some concerns relating to my past. To look for partners generally means utilising services like Dating sites, going out to bars, generally going out of your way to meet people. And frankly, the last times I used those services? I was mostly using them for sex. And whenever I think about using these sorts of services, that's the reaction I start to get - are these people just out for sex? Am I just replying to this for the option of sex? Can I embrace meeting people without immediately thinking of the sex aspect? It's a major impediment to me putting myself out there. I know that I'm never going to get over this sort of thing unless I actually do use those resources for more than sex, but there's that fear there that's hard to break down.

It's just a lot of effort, really, just to get started. No wonder I was always happier just waiting for people to come to me. But that's not going to work anymore. I have a partner, that instantly stops a lot of people. If I want more partners, I need to put myself out there. Considering how much I hang out with my Daddy, I can't assume I give out "Available" vibes. Am I willing to put the work in?

Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Unrequested Service

The last weekend has been me helping my Daddy move out of his apartment into my share house, and of course I've been the person who has helped through the entire move process. Even if I weren't his boy, I'd drop things to help him out if he asked, but sometimes I go an extra step further.

Yesterday, I had to go back to his place (where I'd parked the car) after dropping off the rental van, and Daddy had asked me to make sure that the vacuum cleaner that his previous housemate had left there got back to her. Well, she wasn't going to be around for an hour or so, as she was out with friends. So, what did I do? I ended up vacuuming around the house. When I got to my Daddy's room, I realised that I couldn't vacuum the room without cleaning it up, so I spent half an hour putting the last bits and pieces in boxes, clearing up the larger pieces of trash into bags. And then I vacuumed the room to perfection.

My Daddy, of course, didn't ask for me to do this. I just went ahead and did it, because I had the time to burn, and, you know, it's vacuuming! It's the one chore in the house that uses a power tool! How can anyone not like vaccuming! But of course, it has the nice benefit that today, when we go back to Daddy's apartment to do the last bits of packing? Daddy won't have to worry about any extra effort - I've predone just about everything he needed to do today. We just have to pick up the last few things.

All just part of the Service!