Random Ramble

Today, I'm rather stuck for inspiration, so I'm going to try a random stream of consciousness, to get my brain moving. I do not guarantee that this will make sense at all, in fact it almost certainly will not.

So, Daddy has been asking me what I want in a partner, and it's been really difficult to come up with an answer. Truth be told, I've never been the kind of person who has an idea of the kind of people I want to have relationships with, I've always just kinda fallen into relationships.

Well, okay, maybe I can be a bit more specific than that. It's not that I don't know what I want, it's that what I want is who I want. I don't tend to have ideas of what I'm looking for, but I tend to have strong feelings for specific individuals.

And it's actually pretty simple - I tend to fall for people who are nice to me and pay attention to me. Which is extremely awkward, because it makes looking for partners really difficult! I can't just look at personals sites, because I'm not looking for personality, or looks, or role, but instead people who take an interest in me.

It means that if I want to find a partner, I need to look in my circle of friends, which, let's be frank here, is not that big, and is mostly full of people with partners.

Honestly, it's a little intimidating seeing Daddy actually figure out what he wants, and go out and get it. I mean, the very idea of knowing what I want is really alien to me. It's not like I don't want things, because clearly I do, but I have no tools to bring them to the surface. Daddy is entirely different - he knows what he wants, and if he doesn't know, he figures it out, then does things. I just keep blundering on through, hoping that something that's acceptable will come into my field of vision, and that I'll know what I want when I see it.

And Daddy tries so very hard to make me work through these things like he does, and he probably does as good a job as he could, but whenever we go through these things I get frustrated, I ended up being silent most of the time, and nothing gets done. We're such different people, maybe what works for him won't work for me?

But where does that leave me? Clearly my usual approach to finding partners is not useful here - it occasionally finds me people I like, but only in the ones and twos, and they're usually not appropriate to approach for any number of reasons. I don't think I can do online dating, and I'm not sure if it's really, well, moral to try and make friends with people for the sole purpose of trying to find a partner - it seems a little skeevy, when I think about it that way.

Of course, the question has to be asked - do I actually want another partner? I certainly don't seem to act like I do, but that might well be because I never seem to act to improve my happiness in life (just like everyone else, I have to sink to a serious level of crappiness to start making real changes to my life). I have Daddy, and even if he doesn't fulfil all my needs, I don't feel enough pressure to actually go out and get the rest of my desires fulfilled. Is it just that I need an extra push to get out there and find partners? What the hell would that even look like? I'm not sure arranged dates is something that would be appropriate, and I wouldn't ask Daddy for something like that anyway. I'd be terribly uncomfortable doing something like that. Does it mean that I need someone to hold my hand through making enough friends to have a sufficient pool of possible partners (again, that feels so skeevy writing that)?

There has to be a solution to all of this, but I'm finding it terribly difficult to figure it out. Daddy would be all "It's all easy Boy - if you don't like something in your life, figure out what you need to be happy and change it", because he would do that. But there's two parts of that advice that I have a whole lot of problem with - figuring out what I want, and actually going through with doing something about it. I don't really have the best track record for either of those.

Bah. BAH. I ask all these questions, and I even go for some answers, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I wish it was as easy as saying "Daddy, can I leave the finding a partner thing to you?", but that just wouldn't work. This is something I have to figure out for myself, and that's really frustrating.