Fear of Community.

I freely admit - it's been a while since I've been part of a community.

I was heavily involved in the geek communities when I was at uni - to the point where I was making clubs, being on committees, organising things. I was there whenever I could, I'd participate however I could, I was a part of that group.

And then I graduated. I left uni for the outside world. For a while it was still okay - I was still living around some of my friends so I still had tethers in that community, but once I moved across the city, Those tethers started getting a whole lot more tenuous.

And so, for the last couple of years, I haven't really been connected to any community, certainly not in the same sense. And I think that needs to have some explanation. See, I do go the kink events, and I help Daddy out with events that he holds for the Kink community, but me? I don't really make much of an effort to really be part of the community as a whole. And while I have a lot of friends in the kink scene and a lot of queer friends, they're so dispersed it's not really a community.

I bring this up because me and Daddy had a discussion last night about my feelings on becoming an honest-to-god Leather Boy. And after a lot of discussion, the main thing that seems to be holding me back is becoming part of a community again. And let me tell you, that's a bit strange - you'd think that I'd relish the opportunity to be part of a community again, but I have this real reluctance to get back into another community.

Daddy, of course, made the perfectly valid observation that I've been resisting it because to become part of a community I'd have to engage with said community, and I've been in a heavy cycle of disengagement from the world around me. I've been happy to interact with the world around me, but only as an outsider, because the beauty of being an outsider is that you never have to commit - you can say your piece and leave scott-free.

So, I guess, the main fear isn't really about community - it's about engaging, and we already knew I had that problem. I've alway been more comfortable being distant, but that's not something that I can keep doing.

So, what was the answer to whether I want to be a Leather Boy? I'm still not sure yet. I think it's going to turn out to be yes, but I may have to get dragged kicking and screaming to get there!