What I bring to the Table.

This afternoon, me and Daddy were taking a trip out to see my parents, and we started talking about a topic I'd been musing about for the last few days, on and off - the curious imbalance between literature for leaders, and literature for followers, in particular how there's very little out there about how to be a good follower. It's an interesting question that I'm sure I'll come back to, maybe in a separate blog, but as we talked about what makes a good follower, we came to the topic of what that follower brings to the table - often a good follower has a large breadth on knowledge, and can bring many disparate knowledges to the table.

And so, I figured, what better time to write a post about what sort of things I can bring to my Daddy and other prospective players? What can I do for you? Among the skills I have:

• I can fix computers. I know how to troubleshoot both Hardware and Software problems, and get computers back to working state.
• I'm quite good at arithmetic, and enjoy working with numbers. I have no formal qualifications, but I'm capable of balancing books and doing quicksums in my head, even with fairly complex figures.
• I know a lot about banking, and money. I know a great deal about how the banking system works, and even have a AFSL Tier 2 Qualification, which means I can give advice about your banking.
• I have a fantastic phone manner. I can man phones for people and leave the caller feeling great at the end of the call. I can perform important calls for people, should they be unable to do so.
• I am proficient at simple massage. I can help relieve tension and help pain to an extent. I'm no expert, but I can do it, and I enjoy it!
• I can cook. My repetoire of by-heart recipes is minimal, but I am more than capable of following recipes, and I can usually make a good meal first time.
• I have a good knowledge of civics and general political matters, as well as general history. If you have a question about why the world works a certain way, I can usually give you an answer!

Seeking Self: Orientation

Go into depth of detail about your orientation, both sexual and D/s. Has it changed over the years? Do you feel it will change again?

So, let's start with the Short Version: I'm a bisexual switch, with a big bias towards submission, and a reasonable bias towards liking men.

Right, with that out of the way, let's expand that a bit more.

First, on the sexual orientation. For as long as I can remember having sexual feelings, I've had feelings for both men and women. My earliest attempts at acting on those feelings generally targeted women, because that's what society told me was the thing to do, but honestly, I've had desires for men for most of that time as well.

I do occasionally wonder as to whether I'm bisexual or gay, just considering the bias can be pretty strong at times. But I don't think it's a lack of desire for women at all that leads the bias. More likely the bias is due to the fact that I don't have a lot of sexual experience with women, and thus I'm always a bit anxious when the idea of girl-sex comes up.

I get a feeling that my sexual orientation has been pretty constant - the changing factor is how I act upon my orientation. I can't honestly forsee my sexuality changing in the foreseeable future - It's been such a constant force I don't think it'll change on it's own.

Second on my BDSM orientation. When I think back to even childhood fantasies, I remember wanting to be a pet, to be taken care of. I think I've always had a major preference for submission, and indeed, it wasn't until I was dating a person who preferred submission that my ability to be a Dom came out (although, frankly, I shudder at the sorts of things I did then, not knowing any better). I certainly feel a whole lot more comfortable being a submissive in a relationship, although that may be partly because I'm in a happy relationship right now.

I have dommed other people since being with Daddy, and played as a top, and I do feel there's a definite drive in me to be dominant on an occasional basis. I'm not sure if it's enough to get a full-time subby under me (so to speak), but I do think having a regular play-partner, at least, would be a good thing for my dommy side.

Again, I get the feeling that a lot of the comfort of being in a submissive role is because I know it well, I don't have to worry about failing in the role. Being a dominant, on the other hand, is a bit scarier. My skills are not nearly as sharp on that end. To anyone else, of course, this would be a clear cue to practice those skills, to get into as many dominant situations as possible and work on being a better dom. Instead, I just stick to what I know.

I do think that my BDSM orientation has changed a little, but not terribly - I think I've probably had switchy tendencies for most of my life, I've just mostly been trained into submissive roles by the world around me. I didn't really think much about being Dominant until I started engaging in BDSM, and only then did I realize that I had that potential. Will it change again? I think more likely I'll just get more comfortable in the dominant side of my orientation, and then I'll be much more comfortable switching on a more regular basis.

Coming down from a year in chastity

So, Daddy told me that, after I went to bed on New Years, the conversation in the room turned to what my reaction would be now that I could actually cum whenever I want. The thought was that I would either go absolutely nuts and masturbate whenever I could, or I'd just continue along the way I had been going.

Well, after a week, the answer is somewhere between those two extremes.

It's true - there's no longer that pressing urge to do something, anything in the morning. In fact, to be honest, it's something of a welcome relief. The desire to masturbate, now that I can, has now lessened quite dramatically.

But that doesn't mean I ain't doin' it. In the last week since I've been allowed to come, I have orgasmed roughly once a day, in the morning, with the exception of this morning, where the combination of a rough night's sleep, gym, and getting ready for work just didn't give me the time.

But then, that's an interesting change - That pressure had meant that I was at least touching myself every morning, regardless, even if I probably didn't have the time for it. Now? It really is just an optional extra. It's something that I really wasn't expecting. And every morning that I have masturbated, I really have given serious thought to not bothering, which was certainly never my previous attitude.

So, yeah. It's not exactly either option. But I kinda like this new mode, personally.

Matters Most Annoying

A few weeks back I mentioned about a couple of new toys that I'd managed to acquire for myself, and me and Daddy decided that we'd give them a go on New Years Eve.

The results were... disappointing. The paddle actually broke on it's first usage. And we weren't even going that hard (because I'm a pansy and couldn't actually take any real punishment), so it's almost certainly not because we went past it's rating. No, the damn thing snapped within the handle.

Sadly, it's way too late to send it back to Cane IAC for a refund, seeing as I ordered it a good 6 months ago. I am, however, going to see about cutting open the handle and seeing if a liberal application of superglue might at least salvage the paddle so I can keep using it.

The cane was used a bit as well, but admittedly we didn't use it nearly as much, so alas I cannot yet give a roadworthy score for the cane. But the paddle breaking on the first play was really rather frustrating, and has definitely taken the shine off the apple, which is sad because I was kinda looking at ordering other things from them. I may end up instead taking the option of getting some friends of mine to do some experimenting to make something similar that's more durable...

Seeking Self: Fear

What are you afraid of?

Let's go through them from smallest to biggest.

I am afraid of the 1950s. Okay, maybe fear is a little too strong for it. More correctly, the sort of perfect, 1950s sitcom atmosphere creeps me the hell out. It's one of the easiest ways to put me on edge in any media, especially because these days noone plays it straight. 1950s households always hold some terrible secret these days. So, yeah, 1950s kink really creeps me out a lot.

I'm afraid of bugs. Specifically, bugs that I have designated "dangerous bugs" - insects and arachnids that can bite, sting, or swarm me. It's probably not a stupid fear, but as things tend to go, I take it pretty far - I don't make distinction between harmless and harmful species of spiders and bees/wasps, etc.

I'm afraid more generally of Armageddon. It's not exactly a fear that I worry about a lot, but hey, you never said that these had to be fears you deal with everyday!

I'm afraid I'll never amount to much. That I'll end up one of those people who coulda been something, but never had the guts to do what they had to.

I'm afraid of losing the people I love. There was a while where when Daddy talked about suicidal thoughts to me, he then had to talk me down because I was convinced that that meant that he was going to kill himself and leave me alone. I'm a bit better with this one these days, but it's still a fear that's within me.

I'm also afraid of people not liking me. It's one of those particularly common fears that a lot of people seem to have, but in a lot of ways it's one of my more influential fears. On the one hand, it makes me work really hard to be as congenial as possible, to push myself to become a person who is capable of liking and being liked by a very large number of people. On the other hand, though, it leaves me a wreck when someone decides to attack me, it often makes me incapable of showing my emotions right there and then, etc. Decidedly a double-edged sword there.

And I think that's enough for tonight.

And So the Year Ends...

And all of a sudden, it's 2011.

This holds some special resonance for me, because 2010 is the year that me and Daddy decided would be the year Orgasm Denial. One entire year without a waking orgasm. From the 31st of December, 2009 to 1st of January 2011.

There were probably a few good reasons why, about a minute or two after the countdown, I practically dragged my Daddy to his bedroom. The almost month-long teasing that had totally reignited my sex drive probably had something to do with it. Also, possibly, Daddy's constant smug face all through the night. And yes, the fact that I'd gone through a year was probably a large factor as well.

Let me just say, it was completely worth the wait - apparently enough that I had people at the still-running party clapping when I finally left the room. The only thing that I'm more surprised at was how tidy it was at the end - I was expecting to be an absolute geyser, but apparently not. Regardless, it was still a hell of an orgasm, after an entire year, especially as Daddy did all the things I love him to do to me.

So, now that I've gone through an entire year of denial, what are my thoughts?

Firstly, in my case, the first and last couple of months were by far the worst. After a while, my sex drive started to behave itself a bit more, and it was much easier to get through the fact that I wasn't getting any. Which, I'm guessing, seems more than a bit odd to people around me who I've talked to about this. But it's true - after a while, it just sorta stops being on your radar. Proof of human capacity to adapt to pretty much any circumnstance.

Secondly, I think that if Daddy would have wanted to make things more difficult for me, ironically the best thing he could have done is kept me in a Chastity Device. We did try a cage for a while, but problems presented themselves pretty quickly, so we had to abandon it. But, I'll certainly say that a chastity device does two jobs very well - it makes it impossible to even play with yourself without pain, and it makes you very, very aware of your genitals. If we do this again, I may make sure we have a better chastity device, to see how well I go then.

Thirdly, it did actually make a welcome change from sex being the be-all end-all of play with Daddy. To be fair, both of our sex drives dropped pretty heavily in the last year or so, as well as having situational problems to boot, so we haven't had nearly as much play in the last year than we'd like. But being in chastity actually made it a lot more bearable, to be honest. If Daddy's not up for anything, that's okay, because you're really under orders not to be up for much yourself!

A final thought, I guess this finally does make me "hardcore" at something - there aren't a lot of subbies who can claim to have survived a year without orgasm, so for once, I actually have a boasting point!

Seeking Self: Improvement

This blog, as might be shown by it's title, is supposed to be a way of me learning more about myself, since I have a lot of trouble with not knowing a great deal of myself. This is not just about my kinky side, but also my general self as well. As part of this, Daddy has given me a task to perform: Each week, I'm to complete a prompt of his, to talk about a certain part of myself, and to learn a bit more about myself. This is prompt number one:

How do you wish to better yourself, in the long term?

There are many things about myself that I wish to improve.

I want to become a person who isn't afraid of failure - someone who is willing to try things, even if I'm not entirely sure I'll succeed. The fear of failure paralyses me so much, I want to live a life where I will take risks and not care.

I want to have more emotions. I don't think I want control, per se - I think I already spend too much time controlling my emotions, and I think that control stops me from being able to experience those emotions. I want to be able to experience emotions in more than just a bodily context - I don't want to have to deduce what I'm feeling.

I want to be more present in the world. This one might be connected to the previous, but it's still important. I spent huge amounts of effort trying not to engage with the world, trying to protect myself from the bad things of the world. But I think those efforts are stopping me from enjoying the good things too. I don't get enthusiastic about things, I don't jump into fandoms anymore. I don't have any real obsessions anymore, nothing to engage me that doesn't involve work or my Daddy. I know why I put myself in the position I'm in (because I went through a few years of real suck, and so those behaviours that I always did got ramped up to try and get me back to functional), but I think that those behaviours are now holding me back. I want to be an exceptional person, in some way, but I know that being exceptional require focus, drive, passion. People who don't care about things don't become great people, because you have to push yourself to great heights.

I want to be sure of myself. With the addictions that I've dealt with (and still deal with), I don't think I really trust what I think anymore. I'm constantly vigilant, always questioning whether the things I want are actually what I want, or the addiction talking. I spent so long thinking my addictions were kinda normal, now I don't know what's normal and what's a step back to who I used to be. So far as I know, most people have at least a bedrock of beliefs about who they are, and what they want with their relationships and desires. Me? I have desires that I know are unhealthy and that I'm not allowed to accept. And I don't really have a lot of ideas on replacements for those unhealthy ideas. Daddy keeps telling me that the first step to new relationships is knowing what you're looking for, but I can't look for anything because I don't know that my intentions are ever right. When I keep interrogating my desires, they fall apart, but nothing comes up to replace them. Even the places in my life where I've clearly made good choices, I'm constantly doubting whether I'm really happy with those choices (see: lacking presence). About the only thing I'm certain about is Daddy, and even then, sometimes I feel doubts about my relationship. They don't last - I know I'm happy here. But they keep coming.

I think that's plenty of places for improvement for the moment.

Wonderful Packages...

So, last weekend I finally got a couple of things that I was really, really looking forward to.

A few months ago, I had arranged with a friend of mine in the States that I would send a couple of things her way, and then she would send them off to me. It was an excellent arrangement - except for the fact she sent it to the wrong address. This in itself wouldn't have been such a bad thing - after all, she was sending it to an Apartment, and if there's one thing I know, it's that Australia Post will never leave a parcel at an Apartment, if they can just leave the note in the mail to pick it up at the Parcel pickup.

Alas, Because I'm on the other side of the city, I managed to miss the cut-off time, and it got sent back to my friend. Fortunately, it arrived just as she was coming home for the holidays, and so sent it back to me post haste, and it then arrived just last weekend!

Man, these babies have been through a story enough! I shall be treasuring these for quite some time.

Alright, I've been leading you on long enough. What did I buy? Well...

First purchase was a beautiful Blue Acrylic Paddle from Cane-IAC. I haven't had much of a chance to try it out properly, but it promises to have quite a bite to it! I've been wanting a paddle for such a long time, seeing as I do love being spanked, but Daddy's hand always tires so quickly. Now, Daddy can spank me for much longer, and that'll make me happy (for a bit. Then, I suspect, quite unhappy...).


The second purchase was a nice blue acrylic cane, with three strands. Now, I'm not a fan of canes being used on myself, but with my large collection of blue things, it seemed a shame not to have a nice blue cane to go with everything else. The best part about this toy? The beautiful clacking sound it makes when you hit it on your palm. I think there's a lot of options in how you can use that, and should I ever find a subby play-partner I fully intend to try this one out!

I think it's worth pointing out - I'm so very much a materialist. I do love my toys!

Moments of my Life: The Shoe Ritual

I'm still working on my write-up of last weekend's incredible weekend of awesome, but it's taking a lot more effort (and time), than I have spare. So, to tide people over (and make sure I'm not falling too far behind on schedule!), I offer a little window into my Life with Daddy

There are some ritual which straddle mundane and kinky.

To anyone watching, it's barely anything. A boy helping his boyfriend put on their shoes and socks before we go out. But those people are not really watching.

Because what I'm doing brings me into the Space, reminds me of who I am and who I serve, and every step of the ritual is carefully felt, run through deliberately, although not always with great care. First, taking a pair of socks. Black, always, usually Daddy's own thick, wool socks, the sort he prefers. Alas, sometimes the washing has not always been done, and Daddy's socks are nowhere to be found, so a sacrifice of my own, inferior socks must be given. But Black, always.

I pull them out from each other, ensure that they're the right side out, and then start placing them on my Daddy's feet. bunch them up so the toe of the sock touches the toe of the foot, then pull them upwards across the foot. At the ankle, the important checks are made, to ensure that the sock is correctly aligned - all too often, the heel of the sock is somewhere completely out of left field, and Daddy's comfort must take priority over speed, or punctuality. Once Daddy and I are satisfied that it's on correctly, Pull them up so that they are up over the leg, and not languishing around the ankle.

I am still new to this game, and from time to time my enthusiasm causes me to accidentally hurt my Daddy while I put his socks on, as I am often as rough with him as I am on myself. But I learn, if slowly, and I will soon be trained enough to know how to apply the correct force to the correct situation, to be gentle when I must.

The process is repeated with the other sock, and then we reach the shoes. Daddy has very particular ideas about his shoes - A pair of old dress shoes with no laces, but a buckle on the front. To be honest, they suit Daddy so well, and they're practically a part of his identity now. The shoe's buckle is undone, I pull the shoe apart, while Daddy lifts his foot up. I put the shoe on as best I can, and then Daddy finishes the job, stepping into them, ensuring that the heel isn't folded over and all is comfortable.

I then grab the buckle and strap, and ensure the shoe is tight enough for my Daddy. The shoe is old, and this is not as easy as it may first seem, for the holes in the strap have frayed with use, with bits of fluff everywhere, and the buckle does not fall neatly into place. It's a struggle, but one I win this time, as the buckle finally slides into it's correct place. Repeated again with the other shoe, and my Daddy's dressing is finally complete. The final checks are done, and we are ready to go out.

It's a ritual I do gladly, and with enthusiasm. My Daddy is often so uncomfortable with me serving him, and this is a ritual that he enjoys and is comfortable with, so I seize on the opportunity when it arises. It is a time when my Daddy is fully in my attention, where I can devote my entire mind to serving him. Perhaps I should treat it as a meditation? A simple task where I can reflect on my Service to my Daddy.

Speaking of which, time to wake my Daddy. We go out today, and he'll need to get his shoes on!

Day 30: Wildcard

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Bah! I always hate the wildcard topics! I guess that's part of me being a subby - I'd much rather be told what to do than be given the freedom to do what I want!

It's actually something that's been a struggle between me and Daddy. See, as it turns out, Dominants also have periods of indecisiveness, and hell, sometimes, a Dominant doesn't even feel that strongly about a particular decision, and thus is happy to allow the choice to be decided by their Subby.

For this particular subby, this can be very frustrating, especially when I don't have much of an opinion on the matter either.

I see this most often when the two of us go out to dinner, but haven't decided before time as to where exactly we want to go. At the start of our relationship, we'd end up spending obscene amounts of time pushing the decision onto the other until eventually one of us would break and finally decide where we're going so we could eat before we died of starvation!

And then of course, once we're at the restaurant, I'd often be paralysed with indecision anyway. There was a particular Submissives Munch I went to (without my Daddy, mind), where I was seriously tempted to SMS my Daddy to get him to decide what I wanted for dinner. That night I actually ended up deciding for myself, but it was a close thing!

These days I have better strategies for making decisions on the fly when I need to (like using coin tosses to figure out what I want), but I do admit to sometimes being a bit put out by having to make the decision. I suspect that Daddy secretly knows this and revels in the discomfort of making me have to make a decision. Although I have noticed that when I'm trying to decide at restaurants, he still has this long-suffering face, while he waits for me to make a decision. Usually because he's waiting for food.

Okay, so it's a bit of a stretch to call this about BDSM. Think of this more as a little insight into me and Daddy's daily life, which I think is just an on-topic for this blog at least!