Fantasy Boy

Last night me and my Daddy had a long talk about fantasies.

See, it's coming up to an anniversary for us, and we've been a bit lost as to what we would like to do for it. We don't have a great deal of money this year, so things like going on a weekend holiday aren't really available to us this year, so we've been trying to come up with ideas that we can use. One idea that we ended up talking about at length was getting a third for a night, and we ended up coming up short on a very odd point - what would we do with a third, exactly?

And from there, we started talking about our fantasies, or more accurately, the fact that I don't tend to bring mine up a lot. And it occurred to me that this is a very important topic.

It has never been easy for me to discuss my fantasies. There's a few reasons for this, I feel. The first is that it's very difficult for me to talk about me anyway. Sexual fantasies are just one aspect.

The second one is that sex itself is really hard for me to talk about. I've been raised by conservative parents, in a culture that drives explicit talk about sex into the underground, and so I instinctively label my sexuality as something that doesn't get talked about. This has not helped in the Sex addiction department, as you might expect - When sex itself is this dirty, underground thing, it's rather difficult to get up and ask for help from those around you. But I digress. Sex is still such an enormous taboo in my head, that communicating about it is really damn difficult. I can think about it, I can figure out what to say, but saying it? Not so much.

Then there's the third reason, which is vocabulary. If I can talk about my fantasies, the only language that I can really use is the language of porn. And porn language sounds (to me, anyway) extremely silly and ridiculous when spoken out loud. Just doesn't work for me. I can't get into actually speaking aloud my fantasies in any detail because I'm struck by the sheer embarrassment of speaking in porn. I suspect though, that this third reason is closely connected to the second reason. It probably seems very silly and ridiculous because Porn isn't supposed to be uttered where just anyone can hear it - it's for internal use only, so to speak.

So, after identifying the issues, what can I do to resolve this? Well, it's clear to me that speaking to my Daddy about these issues is something I'm going to have to work on, but on the other hand, it's really horrible that I know a lot of my Daddy's fantasies, but he knows practically none of mine. This is an unfair imbalance of communication.

So what I intend to do, is once a month, I will (at least attempt) to write down some of my fantasies in this blog, and publish it for the world to see (or at least my Daddy, anyway). If I can't say it out loud, I should at least be able to write them down. Even if it takes forever, even if I can only write one paragraph before I can't take it any more, even a little bit is better than nothing. It's unfair that my Daddy have so little knowledge of what I like, seeing as, you know, a relationship is supposed to be about give and take.

Stay tuned: Fantasies may follow in the near future.

Food for Thought

So, for the last weekend or so I've been attending Lee Harrington's series of workshops in Melbourne on various subjects relating to BDSM. My thoughts on each of them:

1) Take my breath away (Breath Play)
I was quite interested in this to start with, mostly because I love a nice hand around my neck... Hell, I like anything around my neck, let's be honest.

So, two things I got out of this workshop. Firstly, Good god, I was playing with some real unsafe shit when I was starting out with this. Holy god. Also, hearing about all the risks from everything else was a real eye-opener. Considering the first words were "Please remember that people die from this - it is a very real risk that you will too" - that's some serious food for thought right there. It brought into real perspective that you need to be careful with this stuff. Thankfully, there was a lot of risk awareness and attempts to help minimise the risks associated with breath play, which I'm very glad that I have now.

Also gave me some thought in regards to breath play that I haven't thought of before - things like breath forcing and such. Should I ever find another subbie who's into breath play, I will definitely keep this stuff in mind.

2) Playing between the ears - Erotic Hypnosis, Mind Play and Dirty Talk
This is not necessarily one of my kinks, but has been something I'm very curious about, and thus I learned a startling amount.

In particular, two obvious things - that there's a big continuum of erotic hypnosis (from guided visualisation to full-blown hypnotic suggestions), and that a lot of such mind play is very straightforward. There was a lot of good information about protecting yourself during such play (my favourite quote from the workshop was "Brainwash yourself before someone nastier beats you to it!"), which I plan to keep in mind. There wasn't a great deal of instruction in the workshop, which I'm simultaneously a bit sad about (because I'd like to have had a bit of hands-on work) and am feeling stupid for thinking there'd be any (because firstly, it's a very 101-kind of workshop, and because Lee's workshops are much more about expanding minds and helping people find their own path than providing direct instruction).

I'm still quite curious in regards to Hypno-play, and I'd be rather interested in trying out some small stuff. But then, I realise that I've already been doing some of the very low-level visualisation stuff already, and I'm honestly quite okay with it. It's fun stuff, that I'd like to try with my Daddy, or maybe even someone else.

3) Beyond Bowed heads - Rituals in BDSM
This was probably the workshop that my Daddy was most interested in, although I was still curious too, to hear what Lee had to say about it.

Me and Daddy are big believers in ritual currently, so we didn't really come out realising how much we've done, because we kinda knew that. Still, it was great to hear what other people do with their rituals, and I think more usefully for me, it was good to listen to Lee discuss some simple categorisations for rituals. That was really good for me because I'm a really big sucker for labels and boxes, because they make it a lot easier for me to access concepts. So thinking about things like casual rituals through to structured rituals, thinking about jewellery as ritual, as well as sharing experiences with other people about their rituals... all very good and very useful for me.

In all, I'm very glad I paid the money to go, and I'm very glad to have met Lee in the flesh after hearing so much about him. I really like his energy, and if I have to be honest, he's kinda inspired me to think about the ways I can educate the world as well. Not saying I'm changing careers just yet, mind, but he's certainly got me thinking about how I can make a difference in the world.

And that? Pretty damn awesome, I think.

A Pretty Metal Ring around a Pretty Boy's Neck

This weekend was a very special weekend for me.

This weekend I went through with a very special, powerful decision - the decision to commit to a D/s relationship with my Daddy. We symbolised this decision the way many D/s couples do - by my Daddy placing a collar around my neck, and locking it tight with a lock, with our friends in kink watching.

It was a really beautiful ceremony. We had decided that we wanted a ritual, because rituals focus both of our minds, but during our planning, we came to the realisation that we wanted the ritual to come from our hearts, so we ad-libbed the ceremony. The actual words weren't important anyway - but the thoughts behind those words, the crystalised feelings and emotions, those were what came out.

So we made promises to each other. That my Daddy would raise me high, would help me to become whatever boy I was, to aspire to whatever I chose to become. In turn, I promised that I would not give up who I was for him - That I would be me, forever and now.

I promised that I would serve him as his boy, that I would obey him as he required - but I also promised to disobey him if a choice would make me into something I was not.

We promised that the collar around my neck was not for all time - it was purely for as long as we felt it was right. That if this new phase in our relationship ended, that we would accept that, and move into whatever new phase would begin.

In short, we promised everything we could in good conscience promise each other - to be who we are, to support the other in whatever form that would take, for as long as we had together, right now.

I write all this now, and it fills me with emotion. Me being me, of course, I find it hard to tell you which emotion I'm being filled with. But I think it's a few things.

I think it's pride. I think it's terror. I think it's love. I think it's power. I think it's worry, I think it's that genuine, honest to god emotional movement. I feel something, and it's probably a whole lot of things, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

A Boy and his Puppy

I have a puppy inside of me.

As much as I identify as a boy, I really do enjoy puppy play. I'm not sure if I love it enough that I want to base my entire world around it, but it's definitely one of my favourite styles of play.

Last Thursday me and my Daddy went to a Leather Forum, due to some unforseen circumnstances, we ended up watching a documentary on a Pup and his daddy. It was an absolute charming documentary, and brought a few things to the fore for me, including a few differences in how I perceive puppy play as opposed to how the Pup described his experiences.

A lot of Pups describe their experience of puppy-play as almost a subsuming of themselves into the puppy, in such a way that while they are a puppy, the cares and worries of the world just don't matter - for all intents and purposes, they become a puppy in mind and body, and that's one of the attractions for them - they can not care about their human lives for a while.

I'm not sure I'd describe my experiences that way, though. To me, when I'm in puppy space, I don't disappear at all. What usually happens is that I take a back seat - I'm still aware of everything that's happening, but I'm not the one calling the shots. Instead, Pup is. If someone says something to me while I'm in Pup mode, I still hear it, and I may still mentally respond to it, but Pup doesn't - well, unless it's an order or if it's an offer of pats!

In a lot of ways, it feels like Pup is some completely different entity to me, some other creature that's linked to me. I can get Pup to do things every so often, and I can influence Pup's behaviour in certain ways, but Pup has priority when he's in charge. If I can borrow terminology from the multiple community, it's sortof a co-fronting arrangement. We're both there, and we're both aware of each other, but one's always in charge - the other just gets to watch and have consulting privileges.

On the other hand though, I can sense that Pup is not a "real" creature in my head. Pup's not very well-formed, and there are often gaps in his self, especially if he's in a new environment. For example, last night someone was practising with a dragontail whip while Pup was around. Pup's not been around Dragontails before, and didn't have a response for it. At that point, I had to "fill in" that part of Pup's personality - in this case, I decided that Pup was afraid of Dragontails, and started hiding. When Daddy came into the room, Pup hid behind him, which was kindof cute. Once I'd filled in that detail, Pup reacted to stimuli just as I'd expected. This happens a bit - At a previous event, I'd decided that Pup barks at moving lights (which makes bringing Pup out at events in clubs kindof interesting.

I guess in a way, Pup is kinda semi-autonomous. Pup is clearly something I've built in my head, but once I set him in one way, it's difficult for me to set him on another path. It will be very interesting to see where pup goes from this point forward.

This Beautiful Boy Is An Addict

This week, I celebrated my 450th day of sobriety.

No, I'm not an alcoholic, and I've never been a drug addict. My sobriety takes a very interesting form instead - It has now been 455 days since I last jerked off to porn.

Now, a lot of people would say that that's silly - there's no such thing as porn addiction - that's something that Anti-sex people bandy about to try and impose their will on the public, to bring down the BDSMers. And when people take this tack, they point out there's nothing to get addicted to - porn is just an activity. And I think that for the vast majority of people, this is true - a lot of people watch porn, get a lot of pleasure out of it, and never get addicted at all to it.

I however, was not that lucky. Porn for me started to become a problem, a serious one, in fact. My porn watching became a major force in my life, I'd spend nights finding new porn constantly, since any given video or picture would have a very short life span. I was always looking for something new, interesting, exotic, dangerous - the minute something became banal, it was no longer worth watching.

In short, my porn watching became an escape, an escape from a life that I was never really happy with, with a partner that was becoming less and less in love with. I jerked off to porn to give me a quick happy that would make the badness of my life disappear for a while.

Of course, I didn't know that at the time. It took my Daddy to finally make the connection that my problem was a real addiction, after he saw the kind of porn that I had started to watch. We eventually realised that I was really using my entire sexuality as an addictive escape from the real word, and had been since I before I was legally an adult. I think I can honestly say that I relied quite a lot on our relationship to maintain my sobriety over those first few months, for which I thank him so very much for.

I bring up this addiction because, as you might expect, it makes for some unfortunately problems in the kink scene, as well as in my normal explorations of my own sexuality. Because watching porn by myself is now entirely off-limits, I don't have the ability to see if I like a particular kink by watching porn and seeing if it gets me off. And hell, even if I did, it wouldn't prove anything - by the end, there was very little porn that I didn't consider hot (although very vanilla stuff became rather passe). Anything new would probably turn me on, but I couldn't trust if that was something I was really interested in, or whether I was getting hot because I was watching porn.

It also means that I often get very uncomfortable at kink events, since there's often porn playing in the background (or other people playing in the background). While these days I'm getting better, there's always a residual anxiety whenever porn is in the room. At the very least, it starts getting difficult to feel sexy, because I have to start intellectualising my surroundings, which is a very simple way of killing my interest in sex.

And things get worse when you combine it with the other traumas that I've had. Right now, it's nearly impossible for me to try reaching out to other people in the scene to explore things that my Daddy can't or won't explore with me, because the idea of asking someone to do something with me purely on a sexual level makes me really anxious, even if I know them quite well. I get just as anxious if people ask me directly as well. It's frustrating as hell, and I don't really have any way of getting past it yet.

Maybe one day I'll manage to reach a healthy sexuality, and I hope that my kink and my relationship with my Daddy will continue to be the healthy influences that they are now.

Maybe.

Hideaway Boy

In the past few months I have been working to complete a BDSM checklist for my Daddy. Yes, you heard me, the past few months. It's been a long and difficult process for me.

A big reason is the fact that filling out a BDSM checklist takes a lot of introspection. You have to be able to look at yourself honestly, and fill out the form on a variety of activities. It's effectively a big inventory of yourself. And that is something I am so very not good at.

Also, as a submissive of any stripe, it can be very easy to just go with the flow, and try to align what you want with what your dominant wants. After all, your Dominant's in charge, right? So what you want is what your dom wants! Easy. Except it doesn't really work that way except in cheesy porn stories. We're simply not that malleable. Still, it's very hard to resist the temptation to put your self in your dominant's hands, for the simple reason that it means that you no longer have to deal with it. As hard as that temptation is to resist though, to give in is supremely unfair to everyone involved. Believe it or not, it is not actually your dominant's responsibility to decide what you like.

In a previous relationship, my partner had this particular tendency, a tendency to not be able to say no to anything. I became aware of this fairly early on in the relationship, and because I loved them, I began to assume responsibility for checking her consent. I would always be subconsciously looking at their behaviour, watching them to make sure that nothing was going wrong, that they hadn't suddenly dropped out of the act, because I couldn't trust that they would tell me if something had happened. When that relationship ended, I came to the conclusion that actually, this was horribly unfair. Why was it that I had to be responsible for both my consent and theirs? They never checked my consent. It wasn't that we kept each other in check, it was all on me, and I had never asked for that.

Of course, it's been some time since I've realised that I do exactly the same thing to my Daddy. It's not a nice thing to realise, and I try really hard not to, but of course this is a learning process, and I fail more often than I succeed. It takes a lot of effort to speak up, to be willing to interrupt. But to not try is not acceptable to me. It's not fair to deposit the burden of my consent onto my Daddy, or anyone for that matter. The person who should have control over my consent should be none other than myself, and I strive to reach that point.

And this is why this checklist is important to me, and simultaneously why it's so damn difficult. It's an opportunity for me to actually push the envelope in accepting my consent, to actually gain some insight into what I like and don't like, and present it to my Daddy, so that, for once, he doesn't have to guess, doesn't have to watch my body language, doesn't have to wonder whether I'm going to be able to accept something. It'll all be there in black and white.

Now, this is not to say that when the events come up there won't be negotiation and such. I still have to actively consent to things, a checklist doesn't change that. But at least this list will push me into thinking about these things for a change, and I might just have an answer when it comes to it.

Boy Talk

In the scene, there are often discussions on which of the many labels and relationships we choose to give ourselves. Each of these labels have not just the meanings they have in the BDSM vocabulary, but also come burdened with the meanings that exist outside the scene. "Slave" is one that has come up often, but this isn't the one that I'm going to talk about.

No, I'm talking about "Boy" and "Daddy".

My Daddy and I did not start out where we are now. Over the course of our relationship, we have spent a lot of time and frustration going through a number of different styles of relationship, trying to find a style of BDSM that allowed us both to feel comfortable in the role, and give us what we needed without depriving the other of too much. We went through the Sub/Dom relationship and made a brief and unsuccessful attempt at Slave/Master, etc. As we grappled with these relationships, we both found that I couldn't feel comfortable in those very heavy roles, and what my Daddy was looking for in me couldn't be found while I hung onto those roles.

We didn't look for Daddy/Boy. Absolutely not. In fact, we spent a very long amount of time running away from the idea. Daddy/Boy, on some level, reminded us of Age play, and we not only had no interest in that, but the idea itself caused us a great deal of anxiety. But, one day, we'd reached crisis point, what we'd been trying hadn't been working, and the two of us slowly had a look at this idea. Daddy/Boy. One day, at an event, we decided to give it a try, to see how well it would work. For possibly the first time in a while, I'd felt completely comfortable in the role, and my Daddy could bounce off of me in a natural way.

When we finally tapped out, we went to a fast food joint and had some food, and at one point my Daddy looked at my face, got a serviette, and wiped the sauce off my face. And we looked at each other for a moment and realised that we'd never actually tapped out - The role we'd been playing at was actually pretty damn close to what we were doing outside of scene all along.

And that was when we realised we'd found something that worked. From that point on, we've never had a conflict about roles. We've never felt uncomfortable in these roles.

What I have been uncomfortable with is the reaction of some of my friends. A couple of good, really good friends have made very clear their dislike of the word "Daddy" in such a relationship. It's not even the relationship itself that bothers them, but the very word itself. It causes a lot of tension, and has probably resulted in us being a little more distant from each other than we used to be. But no other word works better. Any other word would be a lie, really. We're not Protege/Master, we are definitely Daddy/Boy. That level of nurturing and discipline is not expressed by any other word.

So I am a Boy, and I proudly call my partner my Daddy. This is not some dalliance, we're not unthinking in the use of the term. We have thought long and hard, and travelled a long way to get to where we are, and I won't let people shut me down because of a word, if there's no other way of expressing myself.

This is the Story of a Boy...

I guess for the first post I should introduce myself.

I'm Blue Eyed Boy. I'm a boy, part of a Daddy/boy D/s relationship. I'm not into Age Play, and neither is my Daddy - we use the terms as a way of defining the general note of our relationship, instead.

I'm starting this blog for a few reasons. Number one, my Daddy has ordered me to do so. It's part of our relationship, and his way of nurturing me, pushing me to be better than I am. The other reasons spring from this one - I'm being pushed to be able to talk about my D/s relationship and what it means to me. My upbringing in a fairly conservative household has meant that I haven't had a lot of practice talking about sex and sexuality in anything except an abstract, impersonal way, and so this blog is meant to be a way of getting me to push myself into talking about this more often. There's a selfish element in this for my Daddy too - He wants to hear from me about these things, and he knows I'm a better communicator in text. So, he's reading this somewhere, even if he's not planning to respond here to anything I write.

I'm not using my real name, nor am I wanting to put any distinguishing features on this blog. You know that it's going to be me here, but I want to have the freedom of talking about BDSM without my friends (either vanilla or kinky) being able to connect it to me. Part of it is about the nature of my D/s, but that's another blog post for another time. This blog is all about me - my issues, my desires, my experiences, my fears and dreams. I do this for my Daddy, but the more I type, the more I know that I'm doing this for myself as well. One of my biggest issues is a chronic lack of understanding of who I am and what I want, and that's the inspiration for the title of this blog - this is intended as a way of meeting myself.

Now, let's see if I can make this work...