Fantasy Boy for April, 2010

So, last month I missed my regular Fantasy Boy segment, but I still want it to be regular, so here we go! This month, I'm devoting my fantasy list to my Dominant side - here are some fantasies where I'm doing things, rather than merely receiving things from others. Some of these fantasies straddle the line, somewhat, but they're all related to my dominant side.

Training Dom
I have a sub, a sub that is wholly mine, at least for a session. But of course, I'm a very inexperienced Dom, and my Daddy knows that. So, what better thing to do than to have my Daddy "supervise" my Domminess? He teaches me about each implement I use, tells me exactly how to use each device. As we get further into the session, I become less of an extension of my Daddy's will, and become more willing to branch out, experiment with my new-found skills, and as

Okay, so this is a little bit cheaty, but it's a huge fantasy, the Dom training the sub to be a better Dom. It's a fantasy with a goal - I don't have a lot of experience in a lot of Dommy areas. And it's the kind of fantasy where I get to have both sides at once - I get to actively Switch in the same scene, and that's an intensely exciting idea for me.

Me and Daddy don't tend to participate together in scenes a lot, mostly because when people ask to scene with Daddy, they're asking for him, in particular, and it's very poor taste to bait and switch and turn a scene into a training scene for little Dom-in-training. But in all honesty? I have a desire to have Dom skills at least half as awesome as my Daddy's skills. That itself would be pretty awesome.

The Suitcase of Sensation
In a previous post, I made mention of being interested in building up my collection of sensation tools (at the moment, if I'm playing with sensation stuff, it tends to get a bit MacGuyverish, as I rummage through the blindfolds, floggers, crops and other toys in my toybox and press them into alternative usage. But in my head, I have this idea of an entire suitcase, dedicated to sensation play. Gloves made of any number of materials, wartenburg wheels and other pointy things, massagers, even (in this wonderful, fantastic world), funky cold devices and heat-wands. This box full of play equipment comes out when I have a victim play-partner on the table. I blindfold them, and then one by one, they get to experience every sensation at my disposal, always guessing what might come next, and what I'm really doing to them at that point. At the end, they get to guess which sensations are which, and how I did everything I did.

Beware of Looking Back...

As I have started to take more effort into my kinky identity, I've begun to notice more and more how my submissive tendencies seem to mold almost every aspect of my life.

But that can be very dangerous thinking. I read recently about Sub Frenzy, and one particular line struck me:

All at once they begin to 'sort' the events and motivations that have occurred over their entire lives. Seeing the patterns, the hints, the presence of their desires in so many different ways. It explains previous unexplainable actions they may have taken and views the actions of themselves and others from an entirely different standpoint

See, if I honestly think back, I recall having fantasies of being a human pet as far back as 5-6 years old. And I'm not even talking about being someone's pet dog, I'm talking full-on, naked-boy being taken in by adults as a real pet human, with roaming around in backyard and dinners in bowls. When I think back, I can recall these fantasies being quite detailed. For most of my life, I have always been a very passive individual, which has lead to me being a victim of childhood teasing for most of my primary and high-school career. In my relationships, I've always been afraid of taking initiative (which has lead to one relationship petering out, and another lasting well after it's time).

When you start looking at all these bits and pieces of my history, you can't help but notice the patterns. It looks like, from square one, that I was destined to be a subbie of some description.

But then, if I decide to look at other parts of my life, I can see that I was never afraid of taking leadership roles if I was confident enough in myself. With my second girlfriend, we started my BDSM experience with me being her dominant in a few scenes, and I definitely enjoyed those times (looking back at those time, my god the things we did, I wouldn't risk doing them the same way now). As much as I don't like making decisions, I can certainly be quite confident in giving people advice (which can be unfortunate, because I often sound quite confident even when I'm totally wrong!).

While exploring my identity as a submissive Boy is all new and exciting at this point, I think it's worth letting myself know that yes, I do have other identities, most of which are quite important to me still, and still make up just as much of me as my kinky identities. I am more than just a Boy, I am a complex human being, and every now and then, it's important to make a point of remembering that.

Sensation

Last weekend, me and Daddy went to an Event in Melbourne where a Slave Auction for charity was running. We both had good fun bidding on the various people on offer. But looking at the various people on the block, both Tops and Bottoms, with their various talents on offer, I had to ask myself, if I were placed on the Auction block, what could I offer?

I had to think about it for a while, to be honest. I'm still pretty new in the scene, and I don't have a lot of skills in a lot of areas. As a bottom, I couldn't really give myself out for, say, pain play because that's not what I'm into at all. As a top, I'm still a very nervous and green top, and I can't go nearly as far as more experienced tops. I'm still very much in learning stages for everything.

But a few days after the event, it hit me exactly what I'd be willing to offer to people, even if I didn't know them very well - Sensation Play. It's a part of kink that I honestly have a great deal of confidence in myself in. When I play with other people, the vast majority of my play with them often turns out to be me playing with various sensations.

Hell, I can honestly say that Sensation is one of my geek-out subjects. I have grand plans, you see, of going to fabric stores, feeling a bunch of lovely fabrics, and then making a bunch of sensation gloves. I'm still planning to get a Wartenburg wheel, and the difference between, say, leather floggers and plastic ones is an endless source of curiousity. As much as my Daddy is obsessed with Rope, I think I could honestly say that I have the same fascination about sensation.

The question being, of course, whether I would offer myself as a sensation Top or a sensation Bottom, but I think the answer to that would be "Well, what would you prefer? I'm easy either way!". I think I would be confident enough to Top someone well enough to be worth bidding on, and I think I'd put on enough of a show to entertain for the price of admission!

An Adventure in Purgatory

So, one of the kink groups that we are a part of have started doing yearly excursions to a place called Purgatory in Melbourne, a wonderful venue that, for the time-being, has been pretty much closed to public events. As such, it's always quite an exciting opportunity to play there, in an environment where there's much less restrictions than at a public event. This year, me and Daddy decided that we were going to enjoy the hell out of the night, and enjoy it we did!

The first thing he did was take me down, tie me up to one of the wall points in the main area, and then started stripping me. This was pretty much the reason why I didn't end up bringing any sexy clothes with me - because I was just planning to be naked most of the time. I'm actually quite enjoying all the takedown that Daddy has been throwing about (so to speak) - Takedown is a really clear and obvious way for me to give up physical control, which I'm always a fan of. After he stripped me down, he started hitting me, which was nice, but not as good as the initial takedown! Again, me not with the pain much, but the taking away of control? I'm all down with that.

I also got to play in the big hanging cage that they have at Purgatory. Last year I found it absolutely wonderful, and this year was not an exception. The cage is in an old birdcage design, with a block and tackle for lifting it up into the air. Last year I found it really exhilarating, and of course, long-time readers will note that I'm a big, big fan of cages generally. Cages that are up in the air, where people can just move your cage around without care? It adds up to large amounts of awesomeness!

Lest you think that I only repeated the things I did last year, however, I did get to pop one particular cherry, which I was glad with - needle play. Now, This has been a long road for me, this one. The first time I saw needle play, I very nearly wigged out - I'm not a big fan of needles at all (I'm one of those people who close their eyes when needles need to enter into my life). Over time, I've been working on slowly attenuating that fear, mostly by being around while Daddy does needle play on other people. Some time ago, Daddy stated that, as part of an agreement we had, that he would like me to try needle play. We'd tried it once, and at the time, my general fear just messed with both of us before the first needle went in. At this point, I'd done enough work on my needle fear that we felt I'd be alright. In fact, we were both fairly certain that once I got into it, I'd love it - it's just the fear of the unknown, and the anticipation, that was causing me all the problems.

So! At Purgatory, we took advantage of their Medical room, and Daddy plopped me down on the bed and decided to stick me with some needles, while I made sure I was nice and relaxed. The verdict here? Me likey, a lot. My biggest fear was always the pain (as pain is not something I typically cope with well), but as it turned out, the pain was pretty insignificant. Daddy noted that I blissed out a little, even when the needles were in, and I have to say it was a very fun sensation. Part of me is wondering if I can convince my daddy to poke me a bit more at the next big event we go to.

One of the things Daddy decided that he wanted to do was make me into a My Little Pony boy. To this end, we bought some blue latex paint, and we were planning on painting it on me when we got there. Alas, I am well away from my last waxing, and a quick test on my arm led us to the conclusion that it just wasn't going to work on the night.

It actually makes me kinda sad, just a little - the idea of painting myself up in latex paint is something that really tickled my fancy. Fortunately, Daddy has said that he still definitely wants to play with the stuff, but he'll wait until I next get myself waxed before he does it. Which just gives me a good reason to go get waxed! I'll admit, I've been putting it off for a very long time, and frankly, I like getting waxed - just the money situation didn't really allow for it, so I fell out of it. Now, I'm in a much better situation, so waxing time it is! I'm really curious as to how latex paint will feel once it's all painted down (me, wondering about sensation? No, couldn't be me!)

All in all, a very fun, wonderful trip. I certainly hope we're going to be up for another trip next year!

Sick once again.

Once again I have been sick, sick enough to be forced to take a few days off work. I've been figuring out a few things about myself on this bout (many of which are more correctly "rediscovered" things).

For one thing, it's made me re-evaluate my relationship to my work. One of the greatest components of angst for me is when I don't do what I say I will do. I realised that I was too sick for work when I was at work in the cafeteria, and realised that I was about to cry - a clear sign that I just didn't have the spoons to work. So, I had to talk to my team leader to tell him that I just couldn't do it anymore. And once again, I cried telling them. Because I absolutely hate it when I at work, and can't continue with my agreement with work to, well, work for them. It makes me incredibly stressed to do so, and I think the main reason is because it feels very much like I'm disobeying orders.

This, by the way, is something that I struggle with, and I suspect a lot of submissives struggle with, where I have a lot of difficulty saying no to people. It feels like if I can do something for someone, I should. This causes a whole mountain of problems, and leads to a lot of pent-up resentment and frustration.

This, is not good. If I'm crying because I can't leave work without feeling terrible, and if I can't say no and it's leaving me unhappy, this is terribly wrong. This is not the submission I should be aiming towards. Submission should make people feel powerful, not powerless! It should be a way of me consensually giving the power to those around me, not simply handing that power to others.

It is time, I guess, to work harder at learning to say no.

Going out

It's been a while since me and Daddy went out to a kink event. The simple fact of the matter has been that things have come up, we've been poor and sick, so we haven't had much of a chance to get out. But last weekend that all changed, and we went to Kinky, a kink event in Melbourne

It was so good to be out in the world to play. It completely energises my Daddy, puts him into the mind to play, and when he wants to play, I get to play and serve as well. I get to be roadie when he is suspending other people (which is a wonderful thing, honestly - never do I feel more empowered than when I am being ordered around by my Daddy!), I get drinks for him and his friends, and I get to talk to friends who come along for the ride.

I also get the chance to occasionally play with other people. In this case, a good friend of mine let me do some sensation play with her. In my case, since I've yet to build a full kit yet, my sensation play mostly involves me rummaging through my toybox trying to find interesting surfaces to inflict on people. It turns out I do it rather well - my friend being as much as a sensation slut as I am, she didn't seem to have much complaints. After a brief interlude with some plastic wrap, I wrapped her legs together and then decided to let my sadistic side out by tickling her feet in all manner of ways.

It just keeps reminding me that yes, I do have the ability to top others, even if there's no way I could ever top my Daddy. Indeed, every so often he would pull me out of my play, throw me to the ground and Take me Down, which was wonderfully brutal. Me and Daddy have been trying to work on me enjoying more brutal forms of play, me naturally being a pansy and Daddy being the kind of person who enjoys inflicting lots of pain, and I really enjoyed this type of play. My only desire now is to increase my endurance for this sort of thing. Which I'll probably attend to soon, as Daddy has ordered me to start going to the gym, which I think will likely help.

So, all in all, a thoroughly enjoyable night out!

Fantasies and Goals

So, my last post I noticed myself making a curious distinction - There was this big idea in my head that things I definitely want to do, are more goals, rather than fantasies. If I think something in my head is something I want to do, it's not considered a fantasy.

On the other hand, Daddy often points that every single one of his fantasies is something that he would like to do. He doesn't like fantasizing about things that he knows will never happen, because, among other things, he considers it pointless - why spend mental time thinking about something that you're never going to do?

It's something of a conflict point for the two of us, as Daddy gets frustrated at how rarely I seem to come up with fantasies he can participate in and work with me in, and thus he doesn't get a lot of knowledge on what I want to do with him (and that last one's definitely a fair complaint. I think a lot of it goes down to why I fantasize, which is this: I fantasize to get away from reality, not to plan it.

For me, my fantasies have always been about escape. When I was very young, I would spend a lot of evenings in my parent's backyard, weaving big, elaborate fantasies in my head, and imagining those fantasies. These were often big, epic science fiction-type fantasies, with heavily fantastical elements. Now, at the time, my school life wasn't a terribly happy one - for most of my school life I was bullied terribly, and while I liked school work, I often stressed about getting things in on time.

When I reached adolescence (which was still quite a stressful time), I still used fantasies as a way of escaping the world, and once I discovered masturbation, this same process of fantasy just got translated into sexual fantasy. When I fantasized about sexual imagery, I wasn't constrained by reality (or even knowledge - a lot of my early fantasies showed astoundingly little knowledge of human anatomy!). At the same time, I definitely wasn't getting invited to the kinds of parties where teen sex was going on, so I never got any actual sexual experience (of either gender) for most of my school years.

And so these days, my fantasies (while a little more realistic) still incorporate massive amounts of truly fantastical elements, and for me, this is fine - I honestly don't expect any of my fantasies to come true, and if they did, it'd probably seriously freak me out.

However, this leads to a problem - Because this escapism is a happy experience for me, I'd much rather escape than honestly think about the type of sex and kink that I'm looking to actually perform with my Daddy (or any other partner, for that matter). So, it leads to the problem mentioned earlier - Daddy can't really get excited about sex with me because the fantasies I provide he can't use, and when I try to come up with ideas that I definitely want to do, I get stuck, because I just don't end up fantasizing about things that I ever expect to do.

Part of the reason I started making the Fantasy Boy posts is because of this problem - it was a way of trying to give my Daddy an insight into my fantasies, but the first attempt went rather awry - when I tried to come up with fantasies with no real fantastical elements, I still ended up with fantasies that were physically impossible, or where things that my Daddy doesn't have the resources to arrange for me. This month I tried to honestly find fantasies that I know we can do in the short term, but that kind of thinking is so incredibly restricting to me. It's not only a tiny subset of the things I fantasize about, it's also a list of things that don't really come up in the kind of fantasies I masturbate to.

And while the escapism is a big thing, I think this also comes down to the other big problem - I have great difficulties talking about sex, and what I want in sex, even to myself. And that's an issue that I can't avoid - if I want Daddy to stay engaged sexually with me, I can't just say "do whatever" - that's not how things work.

Fantasy Boy for February, 2010

Once again, I offer to allow you into my crazy head, and offer you a selection of sexual fantasies from within my head. In deference to my Daddy, who does seriously want some fantasies he can follow through on, this month I work even harder on fantasies that are actually doable in real life.

Cock in a Cage
This one should be no surprise, but a fantasy that comes up a lot is the fantasy of my cock being locked away in a chastity device. Although I'm not sure if this counts as a fantasy or a fantasy element, because this come up in a lot of different fantasy stories. In some fantasies, I'm locked up, and then left in some public sex venue, to please any and all people who desire, but never being able to be pleasured myself (Ha! It's worth pointing that I get a whole lot more pleasure out of bottoming!). There are fantasies of my Daddy, for whatever reason being taken from my life, and the cage still being on, because of course, I could never unlock whatever my daddy has locked away.

I think a lot of this fantasy is connected to the issues I have around sex in general, and about my sexuality in specific. To be locked up? It's to deny me one of the major parts of myself, to put myself purely in the service of others. It means I don't have to be concerned about my sex drive, or my pleasure - I can choose for sex to be purely an act given to another, robbing sex of a lot of power in my mind.

Anal Training
As much a goal as it is a fantasy (ooh! What an interesting distinction. I shall write about that next post, I think!), I have a great desire to be trained to have a much more pliable butt. As much as I enjoy anal sex, My butt is naturally very tight, and I'm a very anxious person. I keep imagining being forced through a training regime, regardless of the pain or the discomfort, having my butt stretched out, of being able to take more than a couple of fingers without half an hour of preparation.

It's a very odd fantasy, to be sure, so very small and low. The fact is, I love anal so much, and I really wish it wasn't, well, such a pain in the arse. I want to be able to have a much wider range of anal play than I do now.

It's getting late, and it's very close to my bedtime. I think I will leave it at that for this month of Fantasy Boy!

Why Submit?

Why be submissive? Why be a boy when I can be a man?

Because when you let go of your independence, when you choose to let someone else take control, You know that you've made that choice. That in that instant, you have _chosen_ to give your all to someone. That, rather than accept the hierarchies that we must deal with from day to day, in that one instant, you have _made_ that heirarchy.

Because when I cuddle into my Daddy's arms, the world melts away. For a few, solitary moments, I can give up the cares and concerns of the world, and just be my Daddy's boy. I don't have to put up a face, I can just be who I am.

Because so often, I don't trust my mind. I don't trust myself to make the right choices. Whereas I can always trust my Daddy to look at the choices I'm about to make, and help me make a choice that will make me a better me.

Because I know that being a boy doesn't make me any less of a man. Because I know that, at any point, I can choose to be a Boy, playful and happy, or I can choose to be a man, ready to deal with whatever the world throws at me. And that by making a distinction between those two states, I can make sure that I am an adult at the times I need to be.

Because, in short, I can. I can choose to submit to another, and that's a power I wish I had during my darkest times.

A Very Sassy Boy

I have begun to notice a very interesting thing happening in my relationship with my Daddy. It's surprised me somewhat, but I've just realised it's honestly happening.

I'm becoming a bit bratty.

When me and my Daddy first started negotiating BDSM relationships, we tried to start in a general Dom/Sub, or Dom/Slave type arrangement, and my Daddy noticed that my style of Subbing was very silent - I was very much the kind of sub that would stay silently, in the corner, until needed. I didn't really have much of a personality in a BDSM context, probably because I felt a Sub was meant to follow orders, so, when there's no orders to follow, I just stayed where I was until there were more orders. Also, I guess, I was very nervous about being out at events for the first time (Which was where we normally played), so I was generally quite shy anyway.

But in the year or so that's followed, that's changed a lot. I'm certainly not a silent individual anymore - I'm much more likely to speak up in a scene, and I'm more likely to talk back to Daddy when we're both in BDSM headspace. I don't recall exactly when this started happening, mind.

You know what? I kinda like it though.