Some more Chastity thoughts

So, it has now been 303 days since I have last come. Yeah, it's been a while since I've chatted about it, to say the least. A lot of it, frankly, is due to the fact that there hasn't been a great deal to say about it for a while. After the initial few months, there's still the occasional up and down in desire, but with real life interfering in me and Daddy's kink and sex life, it's just not been that much of a priority in my mind. It becomes a very big priority when I am serving Daddy in that way, but in everyday life, to be honest it just doesn't come up terribly often.

So, I don't write about it terribly much. There's only so much of "I can't wait until I get to come again!" that you can write without it being terribly boring, and since me and Daddy gave up on the CB-6000 that we got previously since it was just not suitable for my biology, there's been no developments on that front.

However, I do keep track of one of the FetLife Chastity Communities, and today one of the posters there brought up something that made me think for a bit - Doms in Devices. I mean, when you think about it, it's pretty damn obvious - controlling when your sub gives you pleasure can be just as fun as controlling when your sub gets their own pleasure. And we all know the psychological value of physical cages - having not just behavioural, but physical impediments to your partner's body can be really sexy!

Of course, there's plenty of pleasure that can be had without having access to your cock, but deciding to keep your sexual pleasure out of the picture? It's an interesting thought, anyway.

Random Ramble

Today, I'm rather stuck for inspiration, so I'm going to try a random stream of consciousness, to get my brain moving. I do not guarantee that this will make sense at all, in fact it almost certainly will not.

So, Daddy has been asking me what I want in a partner, and it's been really difficult to come up with an answer. Truth be told, I've never been the kind of person who has an idea of the kind of people I want to have relationships with, I've always just kinda fallen into relationships.

Well, okay, maybe I can be a bit more specific than that. It's not that I don't know what I want, it's that what I want is who I want. I don't tend to have ideas of what I'm looking for, but I tend to have strong feelings for specific individuals.

And it's actually pretty simple - I tend to fall for people who are nice to me and pay attention to me. Which is extremely awkward, because it makes looking for partners really difficult! I can't just look at personals sites, because I'm not looking for personality, or looks, or role, but instead people who take an interest in me.

It means that if I want to find a partner, I need to look in my circle of friends, which, let's be frank here, is not that big, and is mostly full of people with partners.

Honestly, it's a little intimidating seeing Daddy actually figure out what he wants, and go out and get it. I mean, the very idea of knowing what I want is really alien to me. It's not like I don't want things, because clearly I do, but I have no tools to bring them to the surface. Daddy is entirely different - he knows what he wants, and if he doesn't know, he figures it out, then does things. I just keep blundering on through, hoping that something that's acceptable will come into my field of vision, and that I'll know what I want when I see it.

And Daddy tries so very hard to make me work through these things like he does, and he probably does as good a job as he could, but whenever we go through these things I get frustrated, I ended up being silent most of the time, and nothing gets done. We're such different people, maybe what works for him won't work for me?

But where does that leave me? Clearly my usual approach to finding partners is not useful here - it occasionally finds me people I like, but only in the ones and twos, and they're usually not appropriate to approach for any number of reasons. I don't think I can do online dating, and I'm not sure if it's really, well, moral to try and make friends with people for the sole purpose of trying to find a partner - it seems a little skeevy, when I think about it that way.

Of course, the question has to be asked - do I actually want another partner? I certainly don't seem to act like I do, but that might well be because I never seem to act to improve my happiness in life (just like everyone else, I have to sink to a serious level of crappiness to start making real changes to my life). I have Daddy, and even if he doesn't fulfil all my needs, I don't feel enough pressure to actually go out and get the rest of my desires fulfilled. Is it just that I need an extra push to get out there and find partners? What the hell would that even look like? I'm not sure arranged dates is something that would be appropriate, and I wouldn't ask Daddy for something like that anyway. I'd be terribly uncomfortable doing something like that. Does it mean that I need someone to hold my hand through making enough friends to have a sufficient pool of possible partners (again, that feels so skeevy writing that)?

There has to be a solution to all of this, but I'm finding it terribly difficult to figure it out. Daddy would be all "It's all easy Boy - if you don't like something in your life, figure out what you need to be happy and change it", because he would do that. But there's two parts of that advice that I have a whole lot of problem with - figuring out what I want, and actually going through with doing something about it. I don't really have the best track record for either of those.

Bah. BAH. I ask all these questions, and I even go for some answers, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I wish it was as easy as saying "Daddy, can I leave the finding a partner thing to you?", but that just wouldn't work. This is something I have to figure out for myself, and that's really frustrating.

Too much Service

Sometimes, determination can be silly.

I have this trait, which I'm sure a lot of people have, where I don't tend to listen to my body. I just keep going and going until I'm thoroughly exhausted, rather than pacing myself to get more done.

I talk about this today because I've been working myself silly getting the house clean. I'm having guests over for a party, and those guests include my parents, so of course I'm going crazy trying to make sure the house looks presentable. Since me and Daddy have moved in, we've been slowing working at unpacking everything but it's been slow work, since Daddy's been sick, and I work full-time. So, my plan was to get everything done this weekend and really turn the house into a sparkling place of clean.

Now, I've been working for the past couple of days, trying to get everything done, but there's just too much work. Not letting that get to me, I'm still trying to get everything done, with less and less energy.

This is silly. I'm trying to sprint a marathon!

So, Daddy is going to put me to bed a little early tonight, so I can rest and get everything else done tomorrow. This is important, and it's a lesson I still have to work at learning - I can't serve my Daddy if I've driven myself into the ground with exhaustion. I just can't do everything I want, sometimes I have to decide which services are the important ones.

I'm sure I'll figure out that properly at some point, and on that day Daddy won't have to yell at me to stop for god's sake, and take a rest, even though there's still so much to do.

Of course, I keep saying that. But there's always so much to do!

30 Days of Kink

November is National Novel Writing Month, something that my Daddy loves participating in, and something that almost every one of my friends seems to get right into. And while I'm a dab hand at writing (see: most of this blog), writing a big huge novel doesn't really play to my strengths - in perfect boy style, I get bored really quickly of writing long stories, and tend to prefer short and sweet stories.

But, I'd still like to stretch my writing wings for November this month, so I'm deciding that I'm going to take a similar challenge. A dear friend of mine on Fetlife revealed to me a blog game called 30 Days of Kink - a challenge where each day, you write a blog post on a particular BDSM topic. I'm going to keep this page up as a master list, and make sure each post is linked. For each day in November, I will endeavour to write at least 1000 words on each subject. We will see at the end of the month whether I reach the NaNoWriMo target on my own!

I've also decided that this will be in addition to my requested one post per week from Daddy - No using this challenge to slack off!

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Day 2: List your kinks.
Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?
Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.
Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Schedules and Slack

In the last few weeks, me and Daddy have been moving. As in all very stressful, big changes to life, it's kinda thrown things into chaos. During the move, and the time previous, Daddy, in his wisdom, has been cutting me a little slack with a lot of my daily rituals.

After a couple of weeks of this, I am firmly convinced that this is a poor move.

I have been noticing that I'm most definitely at my best with structure. As much I may rail against, as much as I might complain about it, the simple fact of the matter is that I am a much better person when I have external support. Without it, I fall back to slobbish behaviour.

I have noticed this most with my gym routine. My Daddy has been supporting my gym routine by insisting in a schedule - that I go to Gym three times a week on specific days of the week. Now, during the move, I could probably have still gone to gym, but without Daddy enforcing it, it of course fell by the wayside. Of course, there still isn't a great deal of enforcement from Daddy, so there's not a lot of consequences for missing a session.

And this has gone for a lot of other chores. For example, We set up a schedule for me to do dishes each night I've not gone to the gym, and as of yet, I still have not me that schedule once. There's nothing stopping me from getting this done, of course - were it be made a priority, I could easily get it done whenever (hell, I could do it in the morning even). But the schedule doesn't get enforced, and as of yet, the dishes still do not get done regularly.

Me and Daddy have talked a little about this, and really, it goes down to separate life paths - Daddy thrives on flexibility, and his natural impulse is to be flexible if doing something may cause inconvenience or problems. Chaos is something he embraces, and rigid order is something that is very uncomfortable for him. But if my routines aren't rigid, and I can make excuses to get out of something, I inevitably will. And if there are no consequences for wiggling out, I will continue to wiggle out.

So really, this is just a cry out for some consequence for failing, which I've felt has kinda been in short supply. I mean, I love being spoiled as a boy, but I feel like I'm not reaching the heights I'm capable of. In my job, my everything is measured, and everything is structured, and I go great! As a boy? Sometimes I feel I lack that structure.

The Fear

Those precious few readers I have have probably noticed that I'm not doing a lot of Fantasy Boy Posts anymore. It's been bugging me, why I can't seem to get enough material to fill these posts. It's not that I don't have fantasies, because I have plenty of them. But they're not fantasies based in reality, not fantasies that other people can connect to.

I've talked about this previously, but never in a particularly in-depth way. Last night, when me and Daddy were driving home from a party, we talked for a bit and a few things crystallised for me.

I like to think I'm a very sex-positive person. I believe that sex should be a wonderful thing, that people shouldn't be attacked for their sexuality, whatever form that takes, that it's a perfectly normal facet of existence that people shouldn't be scared of.

However, I am terrified of sex.

And there's a few components to that fear. Firstly, I'm an extremely anxious boy by nature. Anything that's not within my routine can be scary for me, if we have to be honest with each other.

Secondly, and I think this is the big one, I have an intense fear of being vulnerable. I'll admit it - I find it exceptionally difficult to trust people, and that includes my Daddy. I have my reasons for this, and it's not entirely unjustified, but the fact remains, I don't have a lot of trust in the people around me. I depend on them, I feel they are fundamentally good people, and will do a lot for people on the trust that they'll give back when I need, but trusting people with me? Almost never happens. And this lack of trust in people means that breaking down those barriers and being vulnerable is so exceptionally hard.

But where, pray tell, does this connect into my concern about single-player fantasies? It's actually rather simple - Single-player fantasies are safe. They involve only me, and I trust me. Introducing other people into my fantasies instantly makes those fantasies less appealing - because to make those fantasies come to life requires that I be willing to trust those inner-most fantasies to another person, and then trust that they will accept and play that fantasy for me, if I asked, and that's waaaay more vulnerable than I'm comfortable with.

Up until recently, I used to be a roleplayer. I used to come up with fantasies, play them out with a group of people. I used to be able to get reasonably into character (I can't say I was a truly immersive roleplayer, to be honest), I used to be able to provide motivations and plot hooks to try and get an outcome that I wanted. But I can't even dream up a fantasy when it comes to sex. I'm immensely uncomfortable with sex, can barely talk about what I want (hell, can barely talk about what I don't want)...

It's not surprising that I haven't been able to engage with my Daddy to come up with decent fantasies, and even when my Daddy brings his fantasies to the table, it's not surprising that I can't engage with him about it either.

And it funnels into plenty of other parts of my life as well. I keep saying a want another partner, but the idea of connecting with another person enough to have even a play-partner relationship is incredibly scary. The last time I did it, it was still insanely scary, and I barely got through what I wanted. This fear of sex and intimacy is going to kill any future relationships before they happen, and I'm afraid is slowly poisoning the one relationship I currently have. My Daddy has my trust enough that sex isn't much of an issue (although I still have some horrendous hangups), but I'm worried that I'm running from the intimacy angle.

I need to change this. I need to learn to trust, but I'm honestly not sure how I go about it. Before now, I thought I did trust my Daddy, but clearly not enough to get what we both need out of our sex lives.

Birthdays, Service and Community

In a previous post I talked about the surprise I was planning to give my Daddy for his birthday. Yesterday I got to give that surprise to my Daddy, and believe me, it was every bit worth the effort.

It's rare that you get to render your Daddy speechless, but that was pretty much his reaction to me organising with his friends to raise over $2000 for a suit for my Daddy. It just proved to me that this surprise was the very best thing I could have done.

Also, it had the added side effect of bringing my Daddy into greater esteem with his friends - a lot more people remembered his birthday this year than they normally would, and honestly, that makes me almost as happy as the present itself. Part of service should be to add to your Daddy's good name, and not only have I provided him with good publicity in his community, but now they know what kind of a Boy he has serving him.

And everyone knows that a Boy's behaviour reflects upon his Daddy. I hope that he is pleased!

Moving in with the Daddy

So, it's true - me and Daddy have technically been living together for a while. But living together in a share house is always an awkward state of affairs - there is never any real sense of privacy, and with people always around the house it is difficult to get into a D/s mindset - one always has to be conscious of everyone around them.

But very shortly, that is all going to change. You see, Me and Daddy finally got a new place. It's going to be ours, and ours only. A house that we can manage all to ourselves. A house where I can wear as much or as little as me and my Daddy desire. A place where we can have our own little dungeon to call our own. A place where there can be orders, and dirty sex, and procedures and protocols, and no one around to gainsay us.

It's, of course, not going to be that easy. Me and Daddy have had our D/s relationship on the backburner for quite some time. Oh, it's there, and we both feel it, (I feel it everyday when I feel the collar around my neck), but due to stress, and moving, and no privacy, it's not been something that we have had much chance to genuinely build up. Getting back into the swing of a D/s relationship is going to take work, and I have a strong suspicion that I'm going to feel put upon for a while until my place is firmly assured again.

But to have a place to ourselves again, a place where we can feel safe, where we can let our kink out as much as we desire... The environment will be there, and it will then only be up to us to bring our D/s embers back into a roaring flame.

It's going to be fun. Frankly, I wish we were already moved in!

Service with a Surprise

So, I've been planning special surprises for my Daddy's birthday. It's been a long time in the making - I'd sorta planned the surprise very early on this year, and I've been actively working to make the surprise come to life in the last few months.

It brings me into something of a bind - these sorts of surprises don't seem to gel well with the idea of honest service. After all, aren't I supposed to be open and honest with my Daddy?

The answer of course, is much more complicated than that. Birthdays are one of those events where surprises are not only tolerated, but almost expected, and looked forward to. Also, while I was kinda hoping that I'd be able to keep the lid on the surprise right up until Daddy's birthday, it's existence was revealed, mostly due to my lapse, but there you go. This has meant, however, that Daddy has been an active agent in keeping the surprise away from him - he doesn't want to know! This makes my life a whole lot easier, although I've been told that a lot of my confederates in the surprise have been rather on eggshells, being terrified that they'll give away the secret. Of course, I was prepared for this eventuality, so I tell Daddy I'm doing something different every time he asks what I'm getting for his birthday. Among the list of things that I've told him are:

• A Pimp-mobile
• A golden cane
• A lifetime supply of toothpaste
• A pony
• More fairy bread than there is in the world
• A slave

And I have plenty more up my sleeve as well. This kind of fun and games with my Daddy is actually really fun - he gets to be excited about surprises, and I get to be the one that surprises him on his birthday. It's going to be fantastic.

I'd like to enthuse more about how awesome the whole process has been, but of course, this blog is specifically for my Daddy - don't want to accidentally spoiler him before the big day! Suffice to say though, that when he knows...

He's going to be stunned.

Lacking Passion

Last night, me and Daddy had another one of our Deep and Meaningfuls. Daddy had started a brand new project to help homelessness in his community, and was disturbed at my lack of enthusiasm about it. He kept pushing me until I finally admitted that I didn't want to be enthusiastic about the project, with various excuses being thrown out. This kept going forth until we got down to the root of the matter - I don't want to be emotional at all. To be enthusiastic about the project would mean I'd have to have some emotional response, and emotion, to me, is still the enemy.

Daddy made a comment during the discussion that this attitude of mine made it incredibly difficult for him to scene with me - I can't "get into" the scene enough for him to be able to connect with me, which for him is the entire point of a scene. I have a stunning tendency to just "disconnect" from the world on a pretty much constant basis. And I self-reinforce it, all the time. Because I try not to experience my emotions, they naturally bottle up, and when I feel them, the explode all over the place - which, really, doesn't make me desire to experience them more often.

Daddy is planning to make me work on experiencing these things, but honestly I'm not sure how much I want to do it. I mean, yes, I want to be able to scene with my Daddy, I want to be able to connect with him, I want to be able to have a relationship that's fulfilling for both of us. But I'm really invested in my identity as a logical, intellectual person (even if that identity has frayed a lot in the last few years), and I still have this gut reaction against the idea of actually expressing and feeling emotions. It pulls against pretty much 25 years of keeping my emotions away from my me. Even if he pushes, will I go with it? Do I want the benefits enough to be willing to make the effort? I can feel myself railing against the idea - it's so foreign to me, it's scary. Can I really get past the fear of self-change?

If there's one thing I do feel, it's fear and anxiety for what's ahead. I don't think I can do this, even with help. How can I change something that's so vital to my own self-image? How can I shift a part of myself that has become a major self-defence mechanism against the various shit that goes through my life? How can I learn to connect to people when not connecting to the world at all is how I manage to not break down crying every day? Can I really be part of a D/s relationship when I refuse to become truly vulnerable and connect with my Daddy?

It all goddamn terrifies me, and I don't know where to go. I don't want to lose everything but I don't want to lose who I am, and I'm afraid that this is such a huge change that should I do it, I will literally become a completely different person. And I kinda like who I am now. What if I become someone terrible? What if during this whole thing I break down and become a useless emotional basketcase? What if after this change Daddy decides he doesn't like who I've become and leaves me? Worse, what if I can't do it, at all, and Daddy can't deal with the fact that I'll never be in touch enough with my emotions to connect?

I keep wanting to end this, but it just keeps coming out. I feel like I want to end this with some comment about how despite all these issues, I'll still do it, because he's my Daddy. But that's just it - will I? I certainly don't want to do it, even if I know rationally that it might be good for me. What feelings I have seem hell-bent on me opting out of this whole idea. I think I may just have to end this without resolution, alas.