Sick once again.

Once again I have been sick, sick enough to be forced to take a few days off work. I've been figuring out a few things about myself on this bout (many of which are more correctly "rediscovered" things).

For one thing, it's made me re-evaluate my relationship to my work. One of the greatest components of angst for me is when I don't do what I say I will do. I realised that I was too sick for work when I was at work in the cafeteria, and realised that I was about to cry - a clear sign that I just didn't have the spoons to work. So, I had to talk to my team leader to tell him that I just couldn't do it anymore. And once again, I cried telling them. Because I absolutely hate it when I at work, and can't continue with my agreement with work to, well, work for them. It makes me incredibly stressed to do so, and I think the main reason is because it feels very much like I'm disobeying orders.

This, by the way, is something that I struggle with, and I suspect a lot of submissives struggle with, where I have a lot of difficulty saying no to people. It feels like if I can do something for someone, I should. This causes a whole mountain of problems, and leads to a lot of pent-up resentment and frustration.

This, is not good. If I'm crying because I can't leave work without feeling terrible, and if I can't say no and it's leaving me unhappy, this is terribly wrong. This is not the submission I should be aiming towards. Submission should make people feel powerful, not powerless! It should be a way of me consensually giving the power to those around me, not simply handing that power to others.

It is time, I guess, to work harder at learning to say no.

Going out

It's been a while since me and Daddy went out to a kink event. The simple fact of the matter has been that things have come up, we've been poor and sick, so we haven't had much of a chance to get out. But last weekend that all changed, and we went to Kinky, a kink event in Melbourne

It was so good to be out in the world to play. It completely energises my Daddy, puts him into the mind to play, and when he wants to play, I get to play and serve as well. I get to be roadie when he is suspending other people (which is a wonderful thing, honestly - never do I feel more empowered than when I am being ordered around by my Daddy!), I get drinks for him and his friends, and I get to talk to friends who come along for the ride.

I also get the chance to occasionally play with other people. In this case, a good friend of mine let me do some sensation play with her. In my case, since I've yet to build a full kit yet, my sensation play mostly involves me rummaging through my toybox trying to find interesting surfaces to inflict on people. It turns out I do it rather well - my friend being as much as a sensation slut as I am, she didn't seem to have much complaints. After a brief interlude with some plastic wrap, I wrapped her legs together and then decided to let my sadistic side out by tickling her feet in all manner of ways.

It just keeps reminding me that yes, I do have the ability to top others, even if there's no way I could ever top my Daddy. Indeed, every so often he would pull me out of my play, throw me to the ground and Take me Down, which was wonderfully brutal. Me and Daddy have been trying to work on me enjoying more brutal forms of play, me naturally being a pansy and Daddy being the kind of person who enjoys inflicting lots of pain, and I really enjoyed this type of play. My only desire now is to increase my endurance for this sort of thing. Which I'll probably attend to soon, as Daddy has ordered me to start going to the gym, which I think will likely help.

So, all in all, a thoroughly enjoyable night out!

Fantasies and Goals

So, my last post I noticed myself making a curious distinction - There was this big idea in my head that things I definitely want to do, are more goals, rather than fantasies. If I think something in my head is something I want to do, it's not considered a fantasy.

On the other hand, Daddy often points that every single one of his fantasies is something that he would like to do. He doesn't like fantasizing about things that he knows will never happen, because, among other things, he considers it pointless - why spend mental time thinking about something that you're never going to do?

It's something of a conflict point for the two of us, as Daddy gets frustrated at how rarely I seem to come up with fantasies he can participate in and work with me in, and thus he doesn't get a lot of knowledge on what I want to do with him (and that last one's definitely a fair complaint. I think a lot of it goes down to why I fantasize, which is this: I fantasize to get away from reality, not to plan it.

For me, my fantasies have always been about escape. When I was very young, I would spend a lot of evenings in my parent's backyard, weaving big, elaborate fantasies in my head, and imagining those fantasies. These were often big, epic science fiction-type fantasies, with heavily fantastical elements. Now, at the time, my school life wasn't a terribly happy one - for most of my school life I was bullied terribly, and while I liked school work, I often stressed about getting things in on time.

When I reached adolescence (which was still quite a stressful time), I still used fantasies as a way of escaping the world, and once I discovered masturbation, this same process of fantasy just got translated into sexual fantasy. When I fantasized about sexual imagery, I wasn't constrained by reality (or even knowledge - a lot of my early fantasies showed astoundingly little knowledge of human anatomy!). At the same time, I definitely wasn't getting invited to the kinds of parties where teen sex was going on, so I never got any actual sexual experience (of either gender) for most of my school years.

And so these days, my fantasies (while a little more realistic) still incorporate massive amounts of truly fantastical elements, and for me, this is fine - I honestly don't expect any of my fantasies to come true, and if they did, it'd probably seriously freak me out.

However, this leads to a problem - Because this escapism is a happy experience for me, I'd much rather escape than honestly think about the type of sex and kink that I'm looking to actually perform with my Daddy (or any other partner, for that matter). So, it leads to the problem mentioned earlier - Daddy can't really get excited about sex with me because the fantasies I provide he can't use, and when I try to come up with ideas that I definitely want to do, I get stuck, because I just don't end up fantasizing about things that I ever expect to do.

Part of the reason I started making the Fantasy Boy posts is because of this problem - it was a way of trying to give my Daddy an insight into my fantasies, but the first attempt went rather awry - when I tried to come up with fantasies with no real fantastical elements, I still ended up with fantasies that were physically impossible, or where things that my Daddy doesn't have the resources to arrange for me. This month I tried to honestly find fantasies that I know we can do in the short term, but that kind of thinking is so incredibly restricting to me. It's not only a tiny subset of the things I fantasize about, it's also a list of things that don't really come up in the kind of fantasies I masturbate to.

And while the escapism is a big thing, I think this also comes down to the other big problem - I have great difficulties talking about sex, and what I want in sex, even to myself. And that's an issue that I can't avoid - if I want Daddy to stay engaged sexually with me, I can't just say "do whatever" - that's not how things work.

Fantasy Boy for February, 2010

Once again, I offer to allow you into my crazy head, and offer you a selection of sexual fantasies from within my head. In deference to my Daddy, who does seriously want some fantasies he can follow through on, this month I work even harder on fantasies that are actually doable in real life.

Cock in a Cage
This one should be no surprise, but a fantasy that comes up a lot is the fantasy of my cock being locked away in a chastity device. Although I'm not sure if this counts as a fantasy or a fantasy element, because this come up in a lot of different fantasy stories. In some fantasies, I'm locked up, and then left in some public sex venue, to please any and all people who desire, but never being able to be pleasured myself (Ha! It's worth pointing that I get a whole lot more pleasure out of bottoming!). There are fantasies of my Daddy, for whatever reason being taken from my life, and the cage still being on, because of course, I could never unlock whatever my daddy has locked away.

I think a lot of this fantasy is connected to the issues I have around sex in general, and about my sexuality in specific. To be locked up? It's to deny me one of the major parts of myself, to put myself purely in the service of others. It means I don't have to be concerned about my sex drive, or my pleasure - I can choose for sex to be purely an act given to another, robbing sex of a lot of power in my mind.

Anal Training
As much a goal as it is a fantasy (ooh! What an interesting distinction. I shall write about that next post, I think!), I have a great desire to be trained to have a much more pliable butt. As much as I enjoy anal sex, My butt is naturally very tight, and I'm a very anxious person. I keep imagining being forced through a training regime, regardless of the pain or the discomfort, having my butt stretched out, of being able to take more than a couple of fingers without half an hour of preparation.

It's a very odd fantasy, to be sure, so very small and low. The fact is, I love anal so much, and I really wish it wasn't, well, such a pain in the arse. I want to be able to have a much wider range of anal play than I do now.

It's getting late, and it's very close to my bedtime. I think I will leave it at that for this month of Fantasy Boy!

Why Submit?

Why be submissive? Why be a boy when I can be a man?

Because when you let go of your independence, when you choose to let someone else take control, You know that you've made that choice. That in that instant, you have _chosen_ to give your all to someone. That, rather than accept the hierarchies that we must deal with from day to day, in that one instant, you have _made_ that heirarchy.

Because when I cuddle into my Daddy's arms, the world melts away. For a few, solitary moments, I can give up the cares and concerns of the world, and just be my Daddy's boy. I don't have to put up a face, I can just be who I am.

Because so often, I don't trust my mind. I don't trust myself to make the right choices. Whereas I can always trust my Daddy to look at the choices I'm about to make, and help me make a choice that will make me a better me.

Because I know that being a boy doesn't make me any less of a man. Because I know that, at any point, I can choose to be a Boy, playful and happy, or I can choose to be a man, ready to deal with whatever the world throws at me. And that by making a distinction between those two states, I can make sure that I am an adult at the times I need to be.

Because, in short, I can. I can choose to submit to another, and that's a power I wish I had during my darkest times.

A Very Sassy Boy

I have begun to notice a very interesting thing happening in my relationship with my Daddy. It's surprised me somewhat, but I've just realised it's honestly happening.

I'm becoming a bit bratty.

When me and my Daddy first started negotiating BDSM relationships, we tried to start in a general Dom/Sub, or Dom/Slave type arrangement, and my Daddy noticed that my style of Subbing was very silent - I was very much the kind of sub that would stay silently, in the corner, until needed. I didn't really have much of a personality in a BDSM context, probably because I felt a Sub was meant to follow orders, so, when there's no orders to follow, I just stayed where I was until there were more orders. Also, I guess, I was very nervous about being out at events for the first time (Which was where we normally played), so I was generally quite shy anyway.

But in the year or so that's followed, that's changed a lot. I'm certainly not a silent individual anymore - I'm much more likely to speak up in a scene, and I'm more likely to talk back to Daddy when we're both in BDSM headspace. I don't recall exactly when this started happening, mind.

You know what? I kinda like it though.

Fantasy Boy for January, 2010

As I wrote a little earlier in the month, I am trying to improve my ability to communicate with my Daddy, especially when it comes to things I want sexually and BDSM-wise. It's something that is a sticking point between us - Daddy can't really push me into the directions I want unless I can communicate where I want to go. So, each month, I'm promising to write in this blog three fantasies of mine. This month I am making an effort to put down fantasies that may possibly have some basis in reality, that are at least semi-connected to reality (as many of mine are not).

Genital Suspension
One image which comes up a lot in my head is the idea of being suspended from my genitals. Daddy ties up my cock (like he has often done), then he hooks me up to a suspension point. At which point he hoists me up. In the most erotic fantasies, my cock is the only attachment - there's no other support holding me up. It would be even more incredible if it was done in public, but that's probably because most of my suspension experience has been in public.

This fantasy is really hot for me for several reasons - firstly it combines two things that I love - CBT and Suspension. Secondly, it's a whole lot more hardcore than anything I have tried to date - most of my CBT experience is sadly very low-level, and I would like to try to do CBT experiences that are much more intense.

Cage Transit
A fantasy that's come up fairly recently is one where I am placed in a cage (preferable naked). That cage is then loaded into a truck, or a van, or some other vehicle where I'm not able to see where I'm going. There's a number of other cages in the van, full of other people, whom I don't know. No one in the truck knows where we are going, but the trip is very long. There are often stops along the way, but we are never allowed out. Possibly even on one occaision, the truck stops, and the cages are taken out of the cage into a loading bay, to be loaded into another truck for the next leg of the trip. This goes on until we are at our apparent destination.

Why do I find this fantasy hot? The obvious one is the sheer amount of dehumanisation in this fantasy - the people in the cage (including me), are treated as nothing more than cargo, animal cargo at the very best. There's an element of fear play as well - noone knows what's going to happen to us at the end of the trip.

Mental Programming
In this fantasy, my Daddy (or some other Domly figure), puts me through an extended hypnotic reprogramming, in order to make me an unwitting submissive slut. My Daddy keeps a codeword that, when he uses it, forces me to stop whatever I am doing, and listen only to him. Whatever he says next, I must follow to the best of my ability. He has other codewords, that he can use to make me generally horny, or that he can use to remove any fear or anxiety from my mind, so he may experiment on me at will. These codewords also have the benefit that I feel entirely happy when he uses them on me - I begin to look forward to him using these codewords on me, to him replacing my will with his own.

Why I find this fantasy hot is pretty obvious - it's a no-mental-effort way of me becoming "the perfect subby". It's such a very neat way for me to avoid dealing with all my issues, and even dealing with my life in general, and letting someone else deal with it instead. It's the perfect way of making someone else give me what I want, and hey, it's my fantasy, I can be selfish if I want. :)

The Boy on Sickness and Servitude

I'm guessing that at some point, I'm going to have to ditch the gimmick of everyone one of my posts having "boy" in the title, because this one feels so very artificial, but I digress.

A couple of days ago, after work, I went with my Daddy to visit a bunch of friends, and we ended up having to leave early, because I was incredibly exhausted, more than I would ever be usually from work. My Daddy eventually pointed out the exceedingly obvious - that I was sick, probably with a flu/cold.

I am not good with being sick. In fact, I typically feel extremely guilty and worthless when I'm sick. A lot of this is very mundane issues: I have terrible difficulties slowing down, because much of my way of coping with my life is by filling it up with so much stuff that I don't have to think about it at all. Always constantly moving forward so I never have to look around where I am, so to speak.

And this guilt gets especially compounded when it's added to my BDSM life. When I'm sick, what duties I have have to fall by the wayside - I can't do things like clean my Daddy's place, or make sure that things like blog posts are done on time. In these circumstances, I have to take leave of those duties and focus on getting better, and this feels so wrong on so many levels. I keep feeling like I should do things, even though I know that I don't really have the energy to faff around with things. I feel like when I'm sick, I can't even begin to fulfil my duties as my Daddy's Boy, and even though I have permission to be sick (Not like I could help it even if I didn't), I still feel like my being sick a big imposition on my Daddy. Now I not only can't help him do things, but he has to look after me! That's not right at all! Even though, of course, that's exactly the sort of relationship I wanted when I accepted his collar.

In short, My brain is stupid, and I dislike being sick.

Boys Follow Orders

So, at the moment, my Daddy is still half asleep in bed. He did not have a good night's sleep last night, a combination of myself sleeping in his bed because of a rather stressful and tiring day yesterday, and the heat from the heatwave at the moment. Now, Daddy doesn't often sleep well at the best of times, so having all this as well? Terrible sleep.

When I stay over at my Daddy's place on the weekend, one of my jobs is to make sure that my Daddy is awake by a certain time. As I never have any problems falling asleep when I want to, I always get up before my Daddy does. So, I typically spend my mornings doing my own thing (sometimes that's cleaning, sometimes it's blog-writing, sometimes it's just catching up on internet-stuff), and then head into my Daddy's room and wake him up with cuddles and kisses. It gives me a morning task to do, and my Daddy gets to wake up in a generally pleasant way, and he also gets to ensure that his sleep hygiene is kept well and good.

So, as I know all these reasons, I tend to try and make sure my Daddy stays awake after I've woken him up. I care about my Daddy and don't want him to destroy his sleep cycle more than it has currently. But on days like this, when my Daddy is extremely tired, and needs his sleep, how do I best take care of my Daddy? Obeying an order to keep him awake, clearly deprives him of much-needed sleep, but letting him sleep is going to make further sleep that much harder later on. My Daddy has said, in the half-sleep that he was in before I started writing this up, that he didn't want me to wake him up again. But is that actually what he wants? I follow his last order because I don't feel that I should go against him, but when my Daddy gives orders now that conflict with long-standing orders, and the order I follow can affect his health, how do I decide?

This, I suspect, is something that I'm going to have to talk to my Daddy about. Once, of course, he wakes up.

Boy on a Wire

I've always been curious about Electrical Play. I was the kind of kid who would touch electric fences on a dare, who would find static electricity fun to play with, and was always fascinated with plasma balls. So when I discovered that there was kinky devices that used electricity, I was very, very curious. I have previously played with other electrical devices at kinky events, but I've never had that brilliant an experience with them. I've enjoyed the experience, don't get me wrong, and I'm glad that I've had them, but I've never found the experience to be what I was expecting at all.

That all changed last night. Yesterday, my Daddy received a TENS unit in the mail, that we'd gotten extremely cheap, and we spent a whole bunch of last night exploring myself with it, which felt extremely self-indulgent, since daddy didn't ask for much in return afterwards.

First he pampered me by using the TENS unit for it's advertised purpose - to relax my neck, and my back. And yes, it works beautifully - It's like an automated massage, and pretty much blissed me out for a while, at least an hour or so, I recall, but admittedly, my sense of time was kinda lost for a while.

Then Daddy decided to be cruel with it. Apparently he felt a little like a Mad Scientist, putting electrodes to wherever he fancied, and then jacking up the power. I had my first taste of genital TENS play (We'd played with another TENS unit before, but because the electrodes weren't ours, we didn't do any genital play). Let me just say, off the top of the bat: Wow. With the electrodes we had, I didn't get the feeling of being stroked or anything, but the sensation I did get was quite incredible. The electrical impulses seemed to go right through my entire cock. And while sounding has always squicked me out entirely, I think I now have an appreciation for why people would do it - I could feel my urethra being stimulated by the TENS unit during the play, and it was bloody brilliant.

We played in a few other places, as well, but the experiences of the rest kinda merged into one in my memory. I remember us playing with the electrodes on my hand, and watching my fingers move in time with the TENS unit (which was kinda hot, honestly - Kinky Puppetry!), And I remember how obscenely intense those electrodes are on my inner thigh (unsurprising, really, considering how sensitive that area is anyway). I also remember us using it on the soles of my feet. That was a lot of fun, honestly, it was kinda like being tickled (which I always like, even if I struggle against it. If I didn't struggle against it I don't think Daddy would enjoy tickling me nearly as much!).

It's a lot of good, honest fun, and I'm looking forward to a few more sessions with the TENS. Also, the TENS just makes want to start waxing myself again. You want to make sure you've got good contact for the electrodes! Perhaps I should save up for another waxing session...