A Very Sassy Boy

I have begun to notice a very interesting thing happening in my relationship with my Daddy. It's surprised me somewhat, but I've just realised it's honestly happening.

I'm becoming a bit bratty.

When me and my Daddy first started negotiating BDSM relationships, we tried to start in a general Dom/Sub, or Dom/Slave type arrangement, and my Daddy noticed that my style of Subbing was very silent - I was very much the kind of sub that would stay silently, in the corner, until needed. I didn't really have much of a personality in a BDSM context, probably because I felt a Sub was meant to follow orders, so, when there's no orders to follow, I just stayed where I was until there were more orders. Also, I guess, I was very nervous about being out at events for the first time (Which was where we normally played), so I was generally quite shy anyway.

But in the year or so that's followed, that's changed a lot. I'm certainly not a silent individual anymore - I'm much more likely to speak up in a scene, and I'm more likely to talk back to Daddy when we're both in BDSM headspace. I don't recall exactly when this started happening, mind.

You know what? I kinda like it though.

Fantasy Boy for January, 2010

As I wrote a little earlier in the month, I am trying to improve my ability to communicate with my Daddy, especially when it comes to things I want sexually and BDSM-wise. It's something that is a sticking point between us - Daddy can't really push me into the directions I want unless I can communicate where I want to go. So, each month, I'm promising to write in this blog three fantasies of mine. This month I am making an effort to put down fantasies that may possibly have some basis in reality, that are at least semi-connected to reality (as many of mine are not).

Genital Suspension
One image which comes up a lot in my head is the idea of being suspended from my genitals. Daddy ties up my cock (like he has often done), then he hooks me up to a suspension point. At which point he hoists me up. In the most erotic fantasies, my cock is the only attachment - there's no other support holding me up. It would be even more incredible if it was done in public, but that's probably because most of my suspension experience has been in public.

This fantasy is really hot for me for several reasons - firstly it combines two things that I love - CBT and Suspension. Secondly, it's a whole lot more hardcore than anything I have tried to date - most of my CBT experience is sadly very low-level, and I would like to try to do CBT experiences that are much more intense.

Cage Transit
A fantasy that's come up fairly recently is one where I am placed in a cage (preferable naked). That cage is then loaded into a truck, or a van, or some other vehicle where I'm not able to see where I'm going. There's a number of other cages in the van, full of other people, whom I don't know. No one in the truck knows where we are going, but the trip is very long. There are often stops along the way, but we are never allowed out. Possibly even on one occaision, the truck stops, and the cages are taken out of the cage into a loading bay, to be loaded into another truck for the next leg of the trip. This goes on until we are at our apparent destination.

Why do I find this fantasy hot? The obvious one is the sheer amount of dehumanisation in this fantasy - the people in the cage (including me), are treated as nothing more than cargo, animal cargo at the very best. There's an element of fear play as well - noone knows what's going to happen to us at the end of the trip.

Mental Programming
In this fantasy, my Daddy (or some other Domly figure), puts me through an extended hypnotic reprogramming, in order to make me an unwitting submissive slut. My Daddy keeps a codeword that, when he uses it, forces me to stop whatever I am doing, and listen only to him. Whatever he says next, I must follow to the best of my ability. He has other codewords, that he can use to make me generally horny, or that he can use to remove any fear or anxiety from my mind, so he may experiment on me at will. These codewords also have the benefit that I feel entirely happy when he uses them on me - I begin to look forward to him using these codewords on me, to him replacing my will with his own.

Why I find this fantasy hot is pretty obvious - it's a no-mental-effort way of me becoming "the perfect subby". It's such a very neat way for me to avoid dealing with all my issues, and even dealing with my life in general, and letting someone else deal with it instead. It's the perfect way of making someone else give me what I want, and hey, it's my fantasy, I can be selfish if I want. :)

The Boy on Sickness and Servitude

I'm guessing that at some point, I'm going to have to ditch the gimmick of everyone one of my posts having "boy" in the title, because this one feels so very artificial, but I digress.

A couple of days ago, after work, I went with my Daddy to visit a bunch of friends, and we ended up having to leave early, because I was incredibly exhausted, more than I would ever be usually from work. My Daddy eventually pointed out the exceedingly obvious - that I was sick, probably with a flu/cold.

I am not good with being sick. In fact, I typically feel extremely guilty and worthless when I'm sick. A lot of this is very mundane issues: I have terrible difficulties slowing down, because much of my way of coping with my life is by filling it up with so much stuff that I don't have to think about it at all. Always constantly moving forward so I never have to look around where I am, so to speak.

And this guilt gets especially compounded when it's added to my BDSM life. When I'm sick, what duties I have have to fall by the wayside - I can't do things like clean my Daddy's place, or make sure that things like blog posts are done on time. In these circumstances, I have to take leave of those duties and focus on getting better, and this feels so wrong on so many levels. I keep feeling like I should do things, even though I know that I don't really have the energy to faff around with things. I feel like when I'm sick, I can't even begin to fulfil my duties as my Daddy's Boy, and even though I have permission to be sick (Not like I could help it even if I didn't), I still feel like my being sick a big imposition on my Daddy. Now I not only can't help him do things, but he has to look after me! That's not right at all! Even though, of course, that's exactly the sort of relationship I wanted when I accepted his collar.

In short, My brain is stupid, and I dislike being sick.

Boys Follow Orders

So, at the moment, my Daddy is still half asleep in bed. He did not have a good night's sleep last night, a combination of myself sleeping in his bed because of a rather stressful and tiring day yesterday, and the heat from the heatwave at the moment. Now, Daddy doesn't often sleep well at the best of times, so having all this as well? Terrible sleep.

When I stay over at my Daddy's place on the weekend, one of my jobs is to make sure that my Daddy is awake by a certain time. As I never have any problems falling asleep when I want to, I always get up before my Daddy does. So, I typically spend my mornings doing my own thing (sometimes that's cleaning, sometimes it's blog-writing, sometimes it's just catching up on internet-stuff), and then head into my Daddy's room and wake him up with cuddles and kisses. It gives me a morning task to do, and my Daddy gets to wake up in a generally pleasant way, and he also gets to ensure that his sleep hygiene is kept well and good.

So, as I know all these reasons, I tend to try and make sure my Daddy stays awake after I've woken him up. I care about my Daddy and don't want him to destroy his sleep cycle more than it has currently. But on days like this, when my Daddy is extremely tired, and needs his sleep, how do I best take care of my Daddy? Obeying an order to keep him awake, clearly deprives him of much-needed sleep, but letting him sleep is going to make further sleep that much harder later on. My Daddy has said, in the half-sleep that he was in before I started writing this up, that he didn't want me to wake him up again. But is that actually what he wants? I follow his last order because I don't feel that I should go against him, but when my Daddy gives orders now that conflict with long-standing orders, and the order I follow can affect his health, how do I decide?

This, I suspect, is something that I'm going to have to talk to my Daddy about. Once, of course, he wakes up.

Boy on a Wire

I've always been curious about Electrical Play. I was the kind of kid who would touch electric fences on a dare, who would find static electricity fun to play with, and was always fascinated with plasma balls. So when I discovered that there was kinky devices that used electricity, I was very, very curious. I have previously played with other electrical devices at kinky events, but I've never had that brilliant an experience with them. I've enjoyed the experience, don't get me wrong, and I'm glad that I've had them, but I've never found the experience to be what I was expecting at all.

That all changed last night. Yesterday, my Daddy received a TENS unit in the mail, that we'd gotten extremely cheap, and we spent a whole bunch of last night exploring myself with it, which felt extremely self-indulgent, since daddy didn't ask for much in return afterwards.

First he pampered me by using the TENS unit for it's advertised purpose - to relax my neck, and my back. And yes, it works beautifully - It's like an automated massage, and pretty much blissed me out for a while, at least an hour or so, I recall, but admittedly, my sense of time was kinda lost for a while.

Then Daddy decided to be cruel with it. Apparently he felt a little like a Mad Scientist, putting electrodes to wherever he fancied, and then jacking up the power. I had my first taste of genital TENS play (We'd played with another TENS unit before, but because the electrodes weren't ours, we didn't do any genital play). Let me just say, off the top of the bat: Wow. With the electrodes we had, I didn't get the feeling of being stroked or anything, but the sensation I did get was quite incredible. The electrical impulses seemed to go right through my entire cock. And while sounding has always squicked me out entirely, I think I now have an appreciation for why people would do it - I could feel my urethra being stimulated by the TENS unit during the play, and it was bloody brilliant.

We played in a few other places, as well, but the experiences of the rest kinda merged into one in my memory. I remember us playing with the electrodes on my hand, and watching my fingers move in time with the TENS unit (which was kinda hot, honestly - Kinky Puppetry!), And I remember how obscenely intense those electrodes are on my inner thigh (unsurprising, really, considering how sensitive that area is anyway). I also remember us using it on the soles of my feet. That was a lot of fun, honestly, it was kinda like being tickled (which I always like, even if I struggle against it. If I didn't struggle against it I don't think Daddy would enjoy tickling me nearly as much!).

It's a lot of good, honest fun, and I'm looking forward to a few more sessions with the TENS. Also, the TENS just makes want to start waxing myself again. You want to make sure you've got good contact for the electrodes! Perhaps I should save up for another waxing session...

Don't Touch The Boy

So, one of my big kinks is orgasm control and denial. When I was younger, on those nights along in the house I would have at least hour-long masturbation sessions, because the lead up to orgasm was always so much more fun to me than the climax. Even these days, I often feel a little let down once I orgasm if I'm on my own - At that point, I know the fun is over.

So, when we play, there's almost always an element of teasing, often for quite some time, before I'm allowed to come. I like long sessions, I have no shame in this at all, because once I've come, the physical fun's over for me for at least a while (and while I enjoy being around. And it's also a matter of self-control - even though I know that I love the extended fun, the pressure to get to the finish is always intense, and that battle of wills with myself is always a fun one.

And even from the start of our relationship, I have always asked my Daddy if I may come, as a matter of course. My daddy having control over my sexual activities is a massive turn on. Which, admittedly, can be a problem when it comes to orgasm denial. Or, as my daddy points out, just adds to the fun.

About six months ago, we decided to go for an extended session of denial - around about a month in total. It started going out for a week, then we extended it a bit longer, then we just kept going. Constant teasing the entire time, of course, and with me pleasing my daddy in the meantime. It was absolutely brilliant. By the end of the month, I had become so damn randy that when we went to our favourite bdsm club, I was salivating over literally every damn person in that house. It was apparently quite amusing to my Daddy!

The reason, of course, as to why I make this post is because we've decided to go for another session of extended denial, that started last Sunday. We haven't talked about any particular milestone for this session, although we made jokes about going through all the way to next New Years. Which is simultaneously awesome and terrifying. Add to this the fact that we have been looking at possibly locking me up in a cock cage (something like this, perhaps), which would add to the fun even more! The idea of putting my cock under my daddy's control so totally that he has the key... it's a beautiful dream. I can't wait until we have the money to buy something like this, it's one of my biggest fantasies.

And of course, while I write this, my Daddy is sitting right on top of me, with his crotch right in my face, constantly teasing me. I might have to stop right here. I think he wants something from me...

Boy Get Pride

It has come to my Daddy's attention that most of the posts that I make here are made on challenging things - on things that I don't feel I do very well. In this post, he has asked me to combat this, and write a post on something that I feel I do well. This has taken me some time, and I've had to look at myself with less critical eyes, but I found one thing that I've been doing very well at, and that is getting along with people.

Since I was a kid I've had a general dislike for conflict, in any form, and so for most of my life I have worked out strategies and skills which help me defuse conflicts before they happen. It's a very useful skill in a lot of places in life, and since my new job (which is a call centre job), I've been realising more and more how well I'm built to be a social defuser.

Part of me wonders if this skill is part of my submissive orientation, because a lot of my skills involves twisting my own desires around to meet the desires of others around me (in effect, trying to resolve conflict by making sure that at least the other person has what they want. Certainly, it makes me a rather natural service submissive, happy to do whatever my dom/daddy desires me to do. I actually take a great pride in this ability, even if it sometimes causes me angst. I like being easygoing, I like being able to bring arguments to reasonable conclusions, and I like that I can make friends very easily by helping them be at ease. I think all these are good assets, for me as well as my daddy.

Fantasy Boy

Last night me and my Daddy had a long talk about fantasies.

See, it's coming up to an anniversary for us, and we've been a bit lost as to what we would like to do for it. We don't have a great deal of money this year, so things like going on a weekend holiday aren't really available to us this year, so we've been trying to come up with ideas that we can use. One idea that we ended up talking about at length was getting a third for a night, and we ended up coming up short on a very odd point - what would we do with a third, exactly?

And from there, we started talking about our fantasies, or more accurately, the fact that I don't tend to bring mine up a lot. And it occurred to me that this is a very important topic.

It has never been easy for me to discuss my fantasies. There's a few reasons for this, I feel. The first is that it's very difficult for me to talk about me anyway. Sexual fantasies are just one aspect.

The second one is that sex itself is really hard for me to talk about. I've been raised by conservative parents, in a culture that drives explicit talk about sex into the underground, and so I instinctively label my sexuality as something that doesn't get talked about. This has not helped in the Sex addiction department, as you might expect - When sex itself is this dirty, underground thing, it's rather difficult to get up and ask for help from those around you. But I digress. Sex is still such an enormous taboo in my head, that communicating about it is really damn difficult. I can think about it, I can figure out what to say, but saying it? Not so much.

Then there's the third reason, which is vocabulary. If I can talk about my fantasies, the only language that I can really use is the language of porn. And porn language sounds (to me, anyway) extremely silly and ridiculous when spoken out loud. Just doesn't work for me. I can't get into actually speaking aloud my fantasies in any detail because I'm struck by the sheer embarrassment of speaking in porn. I suspect though, that this third reason is closely connected to the second reason. It probably seems very silly and ridiculous because Porn isn't supposed to be uttered where just anyone can hear it - it's for internal use only, so to speak.

So, after identifying the issues, what can I do to resolve this? Well, it's clear to me that speaking to my Daddy about these issues is something I'm going to have to work on, but on the other hand, it's really horrible that I know a lot of my Daddy's fantasies, but he knows practically none of mine. This is an unfair imbalance of communication.

So what I intend to do, is once a month, I will (at least attempt) to write down some of my fantasies in this blog, and publish it for the world to see (or at least my Daddy, anyway). If I can't say it out loud, I should at least be able to write them down. Even if it takes forever, even if I can only write one paragraph before I can't take it any more, even a little bit is better than nothing. It's unfair that my Daddy have so little knowledge of what I like, seeing as, you know, a relationship is supposed to be about give and take.

Stay tuned: Fantasies may follow in the near future.

Food for Thought

So, for the last weekend or so I've been attending Lee Harrington's series of workshops in Melbourne on various subjects relating to BDSM. My thoughts on each of them:

1) Take my breath away (Breath Play)
I was quite interested in this to start with, mostly because I love a nice hand around my neck... Hell, I like anything around my neck, let's be honest.

So, two things I got out of this workshop. Firstly, Good god, I was playing with some real unsafe shit when I was starting out with this. Holy god. Also, hearing about all the risks from everything else was a real eye-opener. Considering the first words were "Please remember that people die from this - it is a very real risk that you will too" - that's some serious food for thought right there. It brought into real perspective that you need to be careful with this stuff. Thankfully, there was a lot of risk awareness and attempts to help minimise the risks associated with breath play, which I'm very glad that I have now.

Also gave me some thought in regards to breath play that I haven't thought of before - things like breath forcing and such. Should I ever find another subbie who's into breath play, I will definitely keep this stuff in mind.

2) Playing between the ears - Erotic Hypnosis, Mind Play and Dirty Talk
This is not necessarily one of my kinks, but has been something I'm very curious about, and thus I learned a startling amount.

In particular, two obvious things - that there's a big continuum of erotic hypnosis (from guided visualisation to full-blown hypnotic suggestions), and that a lot of such mind play is very straightforward. There was a lot of good information about protecting yourself during such play (my favourite quote from the workshop was "Brainwash yourself before someone nastier beats you to it!"), which I plan to keep in mind. There wasn't a great deal of instruction in the workshop, which I'm simultaneously a bit sad about (because I'd like to have had a bit of hands-on work) and am feeling stupid for thinking there'd be any (because firstly, it's a very 101-kind of workshop, and because Lee's workshops are much more about expanding minds and helping people find their own path than providing direct instruction).

I'm still quite curious in regards to Hypno-play, and I'd be rather interested in trying out some small stuff. But then, I realise that I've already been doing some of the very low-level visualisation stuff already, and I'm honestly quite okay with it. It's fun stuff, that I'd like to try with my Daddy, or maybe even someone else.

3) Beyond Bowed heads - Rituals in BDSM
This was probably the workshop that my Daddy was most interested in, although I was still curious too, to hear what Lee had to say about it.

Me and Daddy are big believers in ritual currently, so we didn't really come out realising how much we've done, because we kinda knew that. Still, it was great to hear what other people do with their rituals, and I think more usefully for me, it was good to listen to Lee discuss some simple categorisations for rituals. That was really good for me because I'm a really big sucker for labels and boxes, because they make it a lot easier for me to access concepts. So thinking about things like casual rituals through to structured rituals, thinking about jewellery as ritual, as well as sharing experiences with other people about their rituals... all very good and very useful for me.

In all, I'm very glad I paid the money to go, and I'm very glad to have met Lee in the flesh after hearing so much about him. I really like his energy, and if I have to be honest, he's kinda inspired me to think about the ways I can educate the world as well. Not saying I'm changing careers just yet, mind, but he's certainly got me thinking about how I can make a difference in the world.

And that? Pretty damn awesome, I think.

A Pretty Metal Ring around a Pretty Boy's Neck

This weekend was a very special weekend for me.

This weekend I went through with a very special, powerful decision - the decision to commit to a D/s relationship with my Daddy. We symbolised this decision the way many D/s couples do - by my Daddy placing a collar around my neck, and locking it tight with a lock, with our friends in kink watching.

It was a really beautiful ceremony. We had decided that we wanted a ritual, because rituals focus both of our minds, but during our planning, we came to the realisation that we wanted the ritual to come from our hearts, so we ad-libbed the ceremony. The actual words weren't important anyway - but the thoughts behind those words, the crystalised feelings and emotions, those were what came out.

So we made promises to each other. That my Daddy would raise me high, would help me to become whatever boy I was, to aspire to whatever I chose to become. In turn, I promised that I would not give up who I was for him - That I would be me, forever and now.

I promised that I would serve him as his boy, that I would obey him as he required - but I also promised to disobey him if a choice would make me into something I was not.

We promised that the collar around my neck was not for all time - it was purely for as long as we felt it was right. That if this new phase in our relationship ended, that we would accept that, and move into whatever new phase would begin.

In short, we promised everything we could in good conscience promise each other - to be who we are, to support the other in whatever form that would take, for as long as we had together, right now.

I write all this now, and it fills me with emotion. Me being me, of course, I find it hard to tell you which emotion I'm being filled with. But I think it's a few things.

I think it's pride. I think it's terror. I think it's love. I think it's power. I think it's worry, I think it's that genuine, honest to god emotional movement. I feel something, and it's probably a whole lot of things, and I can't wait to see what happens next.