I talked about how I'm trying to become more present by cutting out activities that I use to dissociate, the current one I'm on is computer games. He brought up an interesting point that I've had this conversation with him plenty of times, and everytime it's been on a different activity. There's no use restricting a behaviour if I'm just going to find another one to dissociate.
What I need to do is identify the reasons behind the dissociation, but somewhat ironically, my constant search for Time Out keeps interfering with me delving deeper into my motivations. I check out so often and so constantly that I never give myself time to think at all.
I even suspect part of service to Daddy is me trying to keep myself busy, not giving myself a moment to just sit down and be alone with my thoughts. Even when I am sitting doing nothing, I often suppress thought - I try not to think at all, just stare into space.
The plan is to try and dedicate 10 minutes a day to sitting down, meditating, and actually engaging with my thoughts. I'm also going to try and use blogging to think through some of these issues, mostly because I think I'm much better at thinking when there's a springboard, and I suspect reading my own words might be springboard enough, and I'm terrible at talking to Daddy about these sorts of things. For what reason? Still not sure. Perhaps something to talk about tomorrow?
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One thing that my shrink made me do was have a thoughts book. She gave me a selection of notebooks, and told me she wanted to fill a page of it every day, preferably with my thoughts (in pictographic or written form), but with scribbles if I had to. Just to keep the thoughts flowing. Mundane thoughts (Maybe I should eat a sandwich. But I don't have bread. Should I buy a loaf of bread, or buy a sandwich? I am hungry though...) or deep thoughts, if it ran through my head however briefly it was fair game.
ReplyDeleteI objected that I already blog my thoughts, and she said that its impossible to make our thoughts publically accessible without filtering them, and that would hamper my attempts to connect with them. The point of the thoughts diary was that it was a performance free zone. It was just for me, no one else was to ever see inside it, not even her. In your case, not even your daddy.
After all, you can't communicate your thoughts to your daddy, if you are unable to communicate with yourself.