So, I've definitely been breaking the 1 post a week thing. I think a lot of that has been depression, with a big dose of doing way too much. So, I haven't really had a lot of brain for writing. But I'm not going to abandon this blog (besides, Daddy would kill me if I did).
This is mostly just a post to let people know that I am actually back. While I've been gone, I've been talking to a psychologist, about my depression, and I've gone on antidepressants (in fact, I've recently upped my dose). I'm hoping that the drugs'll work their magic again soon, and I can get back to being more writey. Talking with my psychologist has been helping too, in particular, we've been trying to get me to think past my more childish thought processes (Oh, did you think I was just playing a boy? Oh no...). It's been a lot of hard work, but I am forever optimistic.
Mostly because I do feel like I'm starting to grow up now. A lot of people say that they feel like they're not adults, that they're just pretending, and they're afraid that people will come in at any moment and notice. I've often thought that about myself, but I think I'm actually starting to feel like an adult. Now, this doesn't make me less of a boy, and I will always hold onto that boyish perspective in my head. But I feel more like I can move past that perspective in my everyday life when I need to.
And that leads me into my next post, because as I'm growing up, I want to follow in my Daddy's footsteps, and go through an explicit coming of age rite. Like my Daddy, I'm a big believer in rituals (although not always for the same reasons), and I think a proper, full ritual will help me hold onto this feeling of adultness. I'm going to talk to my psychologist today about what kind of trials such a ritual might hold. I'm a bit nervous, truth be told, because I'm not sure he's going to completely understand what I'm asking for. Still, I want the input, and if you can't ask your psychologist, who can you ask?
More tonight, I think.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
Taking Care of your Daddy.
In the last week me and Daddy took a roadtrip to see his family, and coming back, I noticed a few things that I needed to get around to doing with his car.
This is interesting for a few reasons. I am not a car-minded person, as might be shown with my car, and how little attention I pay to it. But Daddy's car? I'm all up on how that car runs. I see every little indicator, I know exactly what needs doing, I have even been seen under the hood, replacing fuels and checking things.
And I only realised recently how differently I treat my car and Daddy's car. I will learn things and do things that I never would have bothered to do for my car. I keep fluids topped up, check tyre pressures. All the things you're supposed to check on your car, I do for Daddy's car.
When I think about it, it's a very obvious analogy to my relationship with my Daddy. So often, I won't do something unless I can make it in service to my Daddy. Chores? I'll do them in service to my Daddy, but never in service to myself. Taking care of myself is couched in terms of how it makes my Daddy's life better. And of course, I'm more attentive to my Daddy's car because keeping his car running is an essential part of making sure his life is running well.
I'm sure I'm being more than a little selfish in this regard. But in a way it kindof works. I take care of my Daddy's needs, and in return he makes sure my needs are being met. We can be each other's guardians, make sure that each of us have what we need, where we'd often ignore the important bits if we were left to ourselves. We can give each other permission to break rules, to be slack if we have to, to take breaks, or to push ourselves hard when we have to. Daddy does it by ordering me around, I do it by making sure my Daddy has my fullest support when he needs it, and has my advice at all times.
Sometimes I wonder if I need my Daddy more than he needs me. Certainly, I seem to have gained a lot more in terms to self-power than he has. Or perhaps we need each other just as much, in just enough.
This is interesting for a few reasons. I am not a car-minded person, as might be shown with my car, and how little attention I pay to it. But Daddy's car? I'm all up on how that car runs. I see every little indicator, I know exactly what needs doing, I have even been seen under the hood, replacing fuels and checking things.
And I only realised recently how differently I treat my car and Daddy's car. I will learn things and do things that I never would have bothered to do for my car. I keep fluids topped up, check tyre pressures. All the things you're supposed to check on your car, I do for Daddy's car.
When I think about it, it's a very obvious analogy to my relationship with my Daddy. So often, I won't do something unless I can make it in service to my Daddy. Chores? I'll do them in service to my Daddy, but never in service to myself. Taking care of myself is couched in terms of how it makes my Daddy's life better. And of course, I'm more attentive to my Daddy's car because keeping his car running is an essential part of making sure his life is running well.
I'm sure I'm being more than a little selfish in this regard. But in a way it kindof works. I take care of my Daddy's needs, and in return he makes sure my needs are being met. We can be each other's guardians, make sure that each of us have what we need, where we'd often ignore the important bits if we were left to ourselves. We can give each other permission to break rules, to be slack if we have to, to take breaks, or to push ourselves hard when we have to. Daddy does it by ordering me around, I do it by making sure my Daddy has my fullest support when he needs it, and has my advice at all times.
Sometimes I wonder if I need my Daddy more than he needs me. Certainly, I seem to have gained a lot more in terms to self-power than he has. Or perhaps we need each other just as much, in just enough.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Isolation and Vulnerability
I've posted previously about how I've kept myself distant from things around me, and recently I've been doing a bit more work into trying to break that down. In particular, I've started seeing my old psych again, and tried to pick up where we left off.
He pointed out a really interesting thing that I hadn't really thought about, when we were talking about whether to engage or stay distant. He pointed out that really, the question was striking a balance between isolation (which is safe, but lonely) and vulnerability (which is dangerous, but rewarding).
He noted that I've had a lot of bad cases of becoming vulnerable to someone, and then that person betraying my trust. Which means that, over time, I've become a whole lot less willing to be vulnerable around people. Oh sure, I can happily chat to people, talk to them about me, but I'm never investing my vulnerability on those conversations. Instead, I'm keeping solid distance, throwing out "safe" parts of myself. But it means that I have very few real, genuine friends, because I won't let down that isolation barrier, and engage in real, vulnerable interaction.
Me and Daddy had a talk last night about what my isolation means in our relationship, especially seeing how long-term it is. And really, what it's doing is choking his desire to engage in anything meaningful with me. After all, I always have the shields up, I don't engage with anything he'd plan, so what's the point? I'm only caring about what I'm getting out of kink, I'm not really engaging with him on the level he's looking for. Worse, it's making it hard for him to take those sorts of interactions from others - I'm basically rubbing off on him.
As much as he's not saying this to make me feel bad, it does make me feel a bit guilty. Even if it's not exactly my fault, it's still my problem to fix. I have to learn this engagement stuff, but frankly I'm not sure where to start. Well, okay, I know exactly where to start, and I've already done it - I'm seeking professional help. But as of yet, I have no game plan, how I get this fixed.
Oh well. Baby steps.
He pointed out a really interesting thing that I hadn't really thought about, when we were talking about whether to engage or stay distant. He pointed out that really, the question was striking a balance between isolation (which is safe, but lonely) and vulnerability (which is dangerous, but rewarding).
He noted that I've had a lot of bad cases of becoming vulnerable to someone, and then that person betraying my trust. Which means that, over time, I've become a whole lot less willing to be vulnerable around people. Oh sure, I can happily chat to people, talk to them about me, but I'm never investing my vulnerability on those conversations. Instead, I'm keeping solid distance, throwing out "safe" parts of myself. But it means that I have very few real, genuine friends, because I won't let down that isolation barrier, and engage in real, vulnerable interaction.
Me and Daddy had a talk last night about what my isolation means in our relationship, especially seeing how long-term it is. And really, what it's doing is choking his desire to engage in anything meaningful with me. After all, I always have the shields up, I don't engage with anything he'd plan, so what's the point? I'm only caring about what I'm getting out of kink, I'm not really engaging with him on the level he's looking for. Worse, it's making it hard for him to take those sorts of interactions from others - I'm basically rubbing off on him.
As much as he's not saying this to make me feel bad, it does make me feel a bit guilty. Even if it's not exactly my fault, it's still my problem to fix. I have to learn this engagement stuff, but frankly I'm not sure where to start. Well, okay, I know exactly where to start, and I've already done it - I'm seeking professional help. But as of yet, I have no game plan, how I get this fixed.
Oh well. Baby steps.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Another Long Absence
So, things have been a bit... overwhelming recently. Stress, understandably, will exacerbate any little issues you might have, and I've been in the middle of looking at finding a new place to live, uncertainty over money, concern for my daddy, possible interstate trips... It's been a lot to handle, and it's been difficult to bring up any mental force to write here.
But I made a promise to my Daddy, and that's a promise I intend to keep. It's a lot of catching up, but I need to get this done. I'm just... not sure where to begin. To be frank, real life has taken over kink to such a large degree right now, there barely seems room for much, which is a terrible shame.
I've been doing a lot of hiding, a lot of running away, and unfortunately that's also included this blog. My favourite reaction in the world, apparently, is to flee the world, run away from my responsibilities, to bunker down. It's not a useful strategy though, it just means that I keep putting things off until I must deal with it right now, which of course builds up the stress.
Last night it all kind of exploded. My memory had failed me again, I had mistaken my appointment time with my psych, and I just devolved into a sobbing wreck of rage and frustration. It scared me, a lot. I hide my anger, even from myself, but last night I couldn't help but feel it, and there was no target for my anger but myself, so it kept roiling around inside me, screaming for some sort of release. I could get myself just under control to get out of my Daddy's arms, but not enough to feel stable.
My Daddy, god bless him, encouraged me to go to a park with him, and in the beauty of the park, I finally did manage to stabilise myself again. Today I'm taking the day off work, and I'm going to my doctor to talk to him about this stuff. My psych has thankfully given me an appointment on Thursday, so I'll get to see him (and my word will I have a lot to talk about).
I'm really worried about that roiling sea of rage in me. I haven't been in that sort of state for a very long time, and I know, at least on a rational level, that that's mostly due to me working really hard to suppress it. I'm under no illusions, it's still there, somewhere in my subconscious, and I'm concerned that at some point, it'll explode somewhere it's not safe to do so.
Hopefully you'll see a few more posts from me the next couple of weeks, as I try to catch up and bring the blog back up to date.
But I made a promise to my Daddy, and that's a promise I intend to keep. It's a lot of catching up, but I need to get this done. I'm just... not sure where to begin. To be frank, real life has taken over kink to such a large degree right now, there barely seems room for much, which is a terrible shame.
I've been doing a lot of hiding, a lot of running away, and unfortunately that's also included this blog. My favourite reaction in the world, apparently, is to flee the world, run away from my responsibilities, to bunker down. It's not a useful strategy though, it just means that I keep putting things off until I must deal with it right now, which of course builds up the stress.
Last night it all kind of exploded. My memory had failed me again, I had mistaken my appointment time with my psych, and I just devolved into a sobbing wreck of rage and frustration. It scared me, a lot. I hide my anger, even from myself, but last night I couldn't help but feel it, and there was no target for my anger but myself, so it kept roiling around inside me, screaming for some sort of release. I could get myself just under control to get out of my Daddy's arms, but not enough to feel stable.
My Daddy, god bless him, encouraged me to go to a park with him, and in the beauty of the park, I finally did manage to stabilise myself again. Today I'm taking the day off work, and I'm going to my doctor to talk to him about this stuff. My psych has thankfully given me an appointment on Thursday, so I'll get to see him (and my word will I have a lot to talk about).
I'm really worried about that roiling sea of rage in me. I haven't been in that sort of state for a very long time, and I know, at least on a rational level, that that's mostly due to me working really hard to suppress it. I'm under no illusions, it's still there, somewhere in my subconscious, and I'm concerned that at some point, it'll explode somewhere it's not safe to do so.
Hopefully you'll see a few more posts from me the next couple of weeks, as I try to catch up and bring the blog back up to date.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Community of Choice
A few weeks ago, I finally made a choice that I'd been trying not to make for the last year or so at least - I made a choice to join a community.
You'd think that community would be something that everyone would gravitate towards. Doesn't everyone want to belong somewhere? But of course, dear reader, you know of my history. To be part of a community is not just belonging somewhere. To be really part of a community, you need to give up a little piece of yourself to the group. You need to be willing to make sacrifices to the group, to be invested in it's fortunes. In short, you need to take an active role.
And while I've been attending the Melbourne Leather Alliance meetings, and I'm now going to a High Protocol Dinner, I have to admit that I haven't really been part of the community. I've deliberately held back, chosen to stay as an outsider. In a way, it was the best of both worlds, in that I could stay around the community, but never had to make any attempt at engaging.
Daddy had actually pointed this out to me quite some time ago, and had told me that at some point I had to make my choices as to what communities I would engage with, because my current state of not engaging with any community was simply not acceptable. But I was delaying that decision, because the idea of engaging with a community again, after everything, was a terrifying thought.
But the more I thought about it, the more that fear began to lose it's hold. Because it's silly, right? At so many points in my life, I've refused to allow fear to take hold of me. As much as fear and anxiety is a constant companion in my life, every time I've allowed those fears to inform my decisions, I've been left at the same place in my life, and I've felt horribly bound. And every time I choose to overcome my fear, I've always been rewarded with a better life.
That's why, I've finally made the decision that I'm going to embrace the Melbourne Leather Community. It's not worth letting my fear of not being good enough stop me from taking this chance to really be part of a community again. This is something I can do, and if I can't, so what? I've been part of and left plenty of other communities before. If it turns out I'm not cut out for Leather, then I can leave. My fears are not rational, and even if they are, I can overcome them. I can be a Leather Boy.
As of yet, Daddy hasn't arranged for any kind of ritual to mark the decision, and we're sorta still just going where we were going before. I'm not worried, since I know Daddy has been under a lot of stress, and these sorts of things do take a lot of brain to come up with a decent ritual. But I do look forward to it being marked properly. We don't know if my leathers are going to be taken away from me or not, whether I'll have to earn them again. I'm not sure if I'll be made to earn black leathers, rather than blue leathers. Really, the answer is we just don't know yet, that conversation really hasn't been made, and Daddy's not in a place to have that conversation right now.
But soon, I think. Soon it will all happen, and I look forward to it.
You'd think that community would be something that everyone would gravitate towards. Doesn't everyone want to belong somewhere? But of course, dear reader, you know of my history. To be part of a community is not just belonging somewhere. To be really part of a community, you need to give up a little piece of yourself to the group. You need to be willing to make sacrifices to the group, to be invested in it's fortunes. In short, you need to take an active role.
And while I've been attending the Melbourne Leather Alliance meetings, and I'm now going to a High Protocol Dinner, I have to admit that I haven't really been part of the community. I've deliberately held back, chosen to stay as an outsider. In a way, it was the best of both worlds, in that I could stay around the community, but never had to make any attempt at engaging.
Daddy had actually pointed this out to me quite some time ago, and had told me that at some point I had to make my choices as to what communities I would engage with, because my current state of not engaging with any community was simply not acceptable. But I was delaying that decision, because the idea of engaging with a community again, after everything, was a terrifying thought.
But the more I thought about it, the more that fear began to lose it's hold. Because it's silly, right? At so many points in my life, I've refused to allow fear to take hold of me. As much as fear and anxiety is a constant companion in my life, every time I've allowed those fears to inform my decisions, I've been left at the same place in my life, and I've felt horribly bound. And every time I choose to overcome my fear, I've always been rewarded with a better life.
That's why, I've finally made the decision that I'm going to embrace the Melbourne Leather Community. It's not worth letting my fear of not being good enough stop me from taking this chance to really be part of a community again. This is something I can do, and if I can't, so what? I've been part of and left plenty of other communities before. If it turns out I'm not cut out for Leather, then I can leave. My fears are not rational, and even if they are, I can overcome them. I can be a Leather Boy.
As of yet, Daddy hasn't arranged for any kind of ritual to mark the decision, and we're sorta still just going where we were going before. I'm not worried, since I know Daddy has been under a lot of stress, and these sorts of things do take a lot of brain to come up with a decent ritual. But I do look forward to it being marked properly. We don't know if my leathers are going to be taken away from me or not, whether I'll have to earn them again. I'm not sure if I'll be made to earn black leathers, rather than blue leathers. Really, the answer is we just don't know yet, that conversation really hasn't been made, and Daddy's not in a place to have that conversation right now.
But soon, I think. Soon it will all happen, and I look forward to it.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Something Sweet
I have a lot of demons in my life. Breakups that went terribly wrong, Sexual Assault, Addictions, they all haunt me to some degree, and the thing about those demons is that often they can stop you from living your life to the fullest. You spend so much time battling those demons, (or sometimes just the shadows they left behind), that you just don't have the energy to grow in the right directions.
I'm not sure what my subconscious is telling me, but last night, I dreamt that I confronted my ex-girlfriend. While she was telling lies about me to people around me, in my own dream house, I snapped. I got up, I got angry, and I confronted her about what she was saying, told her in no uncertain terms that I was not going to let her words infect my friends and my life.
And it worked! Oh, she started to fight back, but I stood firm, and told her that what she was saying was untrue, that what she implied had always been untrue, and that she was to leave my house, and not come back. She fell silent, and walked out the door.
There was a feeling in me that I couldn't really describe. Elation, Accomplishment, Relief, Victory, all of these and probably more. It was a beautiful feeling, so beautiful that I woke up. I really didn't want to wake up, but I was there with a smile on my face. I held onto that feeling for dear life, I was determined to take that feeling into sleep, have it by the time I woke up properly. It didn't survive the next few dreams, but I know what I'd accomplished.
Dreams aren't reality of course. But thoughts are, and feelings are. They're real, and cause real changes to the world. I think this is one demon that I have robbed of it's power over me. If it threatens me again, I'll remember this victory, and I can warn it that I can smack it down any time I like.
I'm not sure what my subconscious is telling me, but last night, I dreamt that I confronted my ex-girlfriend. While she was telling lies about me to people around me, in my own dream house, I snapped. I got up, I got angry, and I confronted her about what she was saying, told her in no uncertain terms that I was not going to let her words infect my friends and my life.
And it worked! Oh, she started to fight back, but I stood firm, and told her that what she was saying was untrue, that what she implied had always been untrue, and that she was to leave my house, and not come back. She fell silent, and walked out the door.
There was a feeling in me that I couldn't really describe. Elation, Accomplishment, Relief, Victory, all of these and probably more. It was a beautiful feeling, so beautiful that I woke up. I really didn't want to wake up, but I was there with a smile on my face. I held onto that feeling for dear life, I was determined to take that feeling into sleep, have it by the time I woke up properly. It didn't survive the next few dreams, but I know what I'd accomplished.
Dreams aren't reality of course. But thoughts are, and feelings are. They're real, and cause real changes to the world. I think this is one demon that I have robbed of it's power over me. If it threatens me again, I'll remember this victory, and I can warn it that I can smack it down any time I like.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Cock Hate
I'll admit, the title of this post is probably a little misleading, but for once I wanted a title with a bit of impact!
For quite some time now, I've had a very strong desire to get my cock circumcised. I've had these desires for a while, at least a couple of years, but a few days ago me and Daddy had a full-on discussion about it. He does not share my desire for circumcision, and was desperate to figure out why I wanted to do this. I had to be honest with him - a lot of it was simply gut feeling, that I wanted to do it and that "it would look better".
Daddy was entirely dissatisfied with that, and decided to keep pushing - was I willing to deal with the repercussions? Of the pain and breaking of stitches, of the reduction in sensitivity, etc etc. Was this really something I was willing to do just for something cosmetic? Of course, even with these perfectly good points, I've been wanting this for years, and I wasn't going to just give up there. But Daddy kept at me. "I'm not sure that you've entirely thought this through. You've never been entirely at peace with your body, especially your cock, in fact you've occasionally had quite violent thoughts against it. Is this you just bring out your general self-hatred on your body?"
I had to admit, I didn't have a good response to this. It's been a long time since I've actually confronted that part of my psyche. I've been focusing so much on the positive aspects of my life, on being happy with the direction my life is taking, that I've been completely neglecting the other side of the equation. Whether I'm happy with myself.
And I'm not, really. I'm a horribly insecure person, who believes, quite honestly, that I'm a terrible, horrible person, who spends most of his social effort putting out such a wonderful image of myself that no one could possibly see the horrible person I believe myself to be. So much of my mental time is spent papering over that particular truth.
And, now that I think about it, I think Daddy might well be right. I've never had the healthiest relationship with my cock, or my genitals in general. During the first stages of our relationship, I cursed them for not doing what I wanted them to do. During one particular night when I was performing at a sex party, I even said that I was so angry that I wanted to rip it off. And I think about a lot of fetishes that I'm interested in, like CBT, and chastity, and how so many of my mental fantasies seem to involve modifying my cock or causing pain to my cock, and yeah, it kinda all falls into place, really - I really do hate my cock, a lot, but I think that's just me forcing a lot of my general self-hatred into what seems to be a safe target.
So, after a whole lot more pain and talking, Daddy told me in no uncertain terms that he wants me to actually tackle this whole self-hatred thing. If, after working on loving myself more, and feeling safer and more secure in my body, I still want to get myself circumcised, then he'll support me 100%. But, simply, he doesn't want me doing something I'll regret later, and I can't disagree with that.
But it's brought up a lot of other stuff. Is so much of my kinks really an aspect of this self-hatred, and is that really healthy for me? Daddy seems to think that it's probably a safe way of dealing with it, but I dunno. Maybe I need to change the way I work with those kinks, perhaps? I honestly don't know where to go with this information from here. How do you know what's healthy and what isn't? I mean, I'm not sure I trust introspection for this sort of stuff, since clearly my thought processes are a bit warped at this point. I'm not sure I can come to a healthy conclusion about this.
I guess, really, I should see a psychologist about this, but I'm not sure if there's a psychologist that could deal with this in a friendly-enough manner. How, exactly, do you tell a psychologist that you're actively engaging in causing pain to your genitals because you hate yourself, and that you want to explore that self-hatred, without the psych getting entirely the wrong impression? Even for a kink-friendly psychologist that'd have to be a bit of a stretch.
Or maybe I'm just projecting my own fear there. Trying to worm my way out of getting help. It's a common trait of mine. If I had any idea how to help myself from here it wouldn't be such a problem, but I'll be honest - I don't think I can help myself from here, I think I need an external voice, and this is not something Daddy can really help me with, or really should be his responsibility to help with.
Argh. I feel like I'm travelling around in circles at this point so I think I'll just stop the post there.
For quite some time now, I've had a very strong desire to get my cock circumcised. I've had these desires for a while, at least a couple of years, but a few days ago me and Daddy had a full-on discussion about it. He does not share my desire for circumcision, and was desperate to figure out why I wanted to do this. I had to be honest with him - a lot of it was simply gut feeling, that I wanted to do it and that "it would look better".
Daddy was entirely dissatisfied with that, and decided to keep pushing - was I willing to deal with the repercussions? Of the pain and breaking of stitches, of the reduction in sensitivity, etc etc. Was this really something I was willing to do just for something cosmetic? Of course, even with these perfectly good points, I've been wanting this for years, and I wasn't going to just give up there. But Daddy kept at me. "I'm not sure that you've entirely thought this through. You've never been entirely at peace with your body, especially your cock, in fact you've occasionally had quite violent thoughts against it. Is this you just bring out your general self-hatred on your body?"
I had to admit, I didn't have a good response to this. It's been a long time since I've actually confronted that part of my psyche. I've been focusing so much on the positive aspects of my life, on being happy with the direction my life is taking, that I've been completely neglecting the other side of the equation. Whether I'm happy with myself.
And I'm not, really. I'm a horribly insecure person, who believes, quite honestly, that I'm a terrible, horrible person, who spends most of his social effort putting out such a wonderful image of myself that no one could possibly see the horrible person I believe myself to be. So much of my mental time is spent papering over that particular truth.
And, now that I think about it, I think Daddy might well be right. I've never had the healthiest relationship with my cock, or my genitals in general. During the first stages of our relationship, I cursed them for not doing what I wanted them to do. During one particular night when I was performing at a sex party, I even said that I was so angry that I wanted to rip it off. And I think about a lot of fetishes that I'm interested in, like CBT, and chastity, and how so many of my mental fantasies seem to involve modifying my cock or causing pain to my cock, and yeah, it kinda all falls into place, really - I really do hate my cock, a lot, but I think that's just me forcing a lot of my general self-hatred into what seems to be a safe target.
So, after a whole lot more pain and talking, Daddy told me in no uncertain terms that he wants me to actually tackle this whole self-hatred thing. If, after working on loving myself more, and feeling safer and more secure in my body, I still want to get myself circumcised, then he'll support me 100%. But, simply, he doesn't want me doing something I'll regret later, and I can't disagree with that.
But it's brought up a lot of other stuff. Is so much of my kinks really an aspect of this self-hatred, and is that really healthy for me? Daddy seems to think that it's probably a safe way of dealing with it, but I dunno. Maybe I need to change the way I work with those kinks, perhaps? I honestly don't know where to go with this information from here. How do you know what's healthy and what isn't? I mean, I'm not sure I trust introspection for this sort of stuff, since clearly my thought processes are a bit warped at this point. I'm not sure I can come to a healthy conclusion about this.
I guess, really, I should see a psychologist about this, but I'm not sure if there's a psychologist that could deal with this in a friendly-enough manner. How, exactly, do you tell a psychologist that you're actively engaging in causing pain to your genitals because you hate yourself, and that you want to explore that self-hatred, without the psych getting entirely the wrong impression? Even for a kink-friendly psychologist that'd have to be a bit of a stretch.
Or maybe I'm just projecting my own fear there. Trying to worm my way out of getting help. It's a common trait of mine. If I had any idea how to help myself from here it wouldn't be such a problem, but I'll be honest - I don't think I can help myself from here, I think I need an external voice, and this is not something Daddy can really help me with, or really should be his responsibility to help with.
Argh. I feel like I'm travelling around in circles at this point so I think I'll just stop the post there.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Desire and Play
So, a couple of days ago, Daddy was talking to me about an issue that he has with me - it never seems like I get excited about a lot of BDSM stuff. We don't often do a lot of scenes, and a lot of that is because Daddy doesn't seem me getting excited about a lot of things, and those things I am excited about, I'm either doing (like Service and Chastity), or we don't really have the money to make happen (like Violet Wands). I only seem to open up when Daddy tells me to - which is not the point of the endeavour. He wants me to be excited enough about things that I ask him to do them to me on my own accord.
I have to admit that he's on to something there. The lack of scene-type play is because a lot of the stuff I get excited about and like to do is kinda life-style, or very long-term things. Chastity is not really a scene-based kink, and service is something that could be scene-based, but in our case I make it a lifestyle.
Of course, as I was writing this blog post, I happen to see a very sexy picture on Fetlife, and decide to leave crumbs for Daddy to see. It's a picture of a man all tied up, his cock and balls being lifted by rope. The image itself is beautiful, but it totally got me turned on, and Daddy, clearly deciding this was a good thing, told me to strip and get his rope, and we did a slightly different, but still very fun enactment of the photo.
And then, he decided to put me in some predicament bondage, attaching the cock rope to my hair, and forcing it back. Which meant that I had to bend over quite dramatically in order to look down at all. I even decided to try stacking the dishwasher in that state, much to Daddy's amusement. This is all still in my cage, by the way, which by the end was hurting quite a bit, because I'm as hard as anything! Play session, while short, clearly a success!
So, the main thrust of this post is that I may be trawling for more sexy photos on Fetlife and Tumblr, and posting them around, because clearly it gets results! Also, if I had to be fair, It's a much more useful way for me to direct daddy to things I want done, since I often have such difficulty with words. Clearly I'll have to keep trying these things...
I have to admit that he's on to something there. The lack of scene-type play is because a lot of the stuff I get excited about and like to do is kinda life-style, or very long-term things. Chastity is not really a scene-based kink, and service is something that could be scene-based, but in our case I make it a lifestyle.
Of course, as I was writing this blog post, I happen to see a very sexy picture on Fetlife, and decide to leave crumbs for Daddy to see. It's a picture of a man all tied up, his cock and balls being lifted by rope. The image itself is beautiful, but it totally got me turned on, and Daddy, clearly deciding this was a good thing, told me to strip and get his rope, and we did a slightly different, but still very fun enactment of the photo.
And then, he decided to put me in some predicament bondage, attaching the cock rope to my hair, and forcing it back. Which meant that I had to bend over quite dramatically in order to look down at all. I even decided to try stacking the dishwasher in that state, much to Daddy's amusement. This is all still in my cage, by the way, which by the end was hurting quite a bit, because I'm as hard as anything! Play session, while short, clearly a success!
So, the main thrust of this post is that I may be trawling for more sexy photos on Fetlife and Tumblr, and posting them around, because clearly it gets results! Also, if I had to be fair, It's a much more useful way for me to direct daddy to things I want done, since I often have such difficulty with words. Clearly I'll have to keep trying these things...
Other Hooked Up Thoughts
While I greatly enjoyed going to Hooked Up, I'm not going to lie - the fact that it was in a gay bar brought up a whole lot of feelings. Complicated, complicated feelings.
My teenage relationship with sex was really not a good one. As well as the Pornography Addiction, I've also had the tragic twink backstory of looking for love (well, in this case, sex) in all the wrong places. This was, by the by, before I was legal. It was the site of my first BDSM experience (which was entirely out of a porn story, meant that I never got to see the guy's face, and which left me crying in a toilet at the end because I couldn't deal), and in the end I walked away when I actually realised that I was going to sex lounges and wasn't enjoying it at all.
So, I haven't visited a sex-on-premises venue in years. After I was raped, it got even worse - even walking near a gay sex venue started to make me extremely uncomfortable. The thought of being hit on by other men became almost panic-inducing for a while. I've since started to get a little better than that, but that discomfort is still there.
And so, while I had an excellent time at Hooked Up, I still felt quite... uncomfortable for much of the time. I know that the place wasn't unsafe. It was an event where there were plenty of friends, both Daddy and the New Boy were there, but I just couldn't shake the associations of the place. I became so much happier when it was time to help Daddy with his work, because then I could focus on duty, for a change.
And as much as I understand that my past traumas are a part of myself, I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with places having this kind of effect on me. I don't want to have issue with places I've never been, that I have no history at. I want to be able to go to a new place, and have a good time, be able to make good memories without that creeping feeling of unease.
My teenage relationship with sex was really not a good one. As well as the Pornography Addiction, I've also had the tragic twink backstory of looking for love (well, in this case, sex) in all the wrong places. This was, by the by, before I was legal. It was the site of my first BDSM experience (which was entirely out of a porn story, meant that I never got to see the guy's face, and which left me crying in a toilet at the end because I couldn't deal), and in the end I walked away when I actually realised that I was going to sex lounges and wasn't enjoying it at all.
So, I haven't visited a sex-on-premises venue in years. After I was raped, it got even worse - even walking near a gay sex venue started to make me extremely uncomfortable. The thought of being hit on by other men became almost panic-inducing for a while. I've since started to get a little better than that, but that discomfort is still there.
And so, while I had an excellent time at Hooked Up, I still felt quite... uncomfortable for much of the time. I know that the place wasn't unsafe. It was an event where there were plenty of friends, both Daddy and the New Boy were there, but I just couldn't shake the associations of the place. I became so much happier when it was time to help Daddy with his work, because then I could focus on duty, for a change.
And as much as I understand that my past traumas are a part of myself, I'm not okay with it. I'm not okay with places having this kind of effect on me. I don't want to have issue with places I've never been, that I have no history at. I want to be able to go to a new place, and have a good time, be able to make good memories without that creeping feeling of unease.
Hooked Up
Last Sunday, me and Daddy went over to Hooked Up (a Hook Suspension event by The Hanged Man team) at Sircuit. Daddy was helping a friend of ours (actually the New Boy's Sir), and so I went along to help, and to hang out with a lot of our friends.
To be honest, I've loved going to Hooked Up events - at every event, there's this electric energy in the air, Everytime someone goes up in the air, the place erupts into cheers, as people push themselves, as newcomers to the events first look horrified, and then by the end of it are firmly hooked on the whole event as anyone else there.
My Daddy was helping The New Boy's Sir with a phenomenal pull, where his Mistress was suspended via rope, and then attached to his hooks. The New Boy's Sir would then crawl away from his Mistress, who would then be lifted into the air, all the while Daddy was doing energy exchange within the whole rig. It was absolutely phenomenal to watch, and while I'm usually hopeless in sensing the energy in the room, even I could feel the pulse of that scene. It was simply incredible, even if my job was mostly as roadie.
I have to admit to having mixed feelings about hook suspension. There's a part of me that really wants to give it a try, but I'm an absolute pansy - pain is not my game at all. I even have difficulty with a lot of rope suspensions, I'm not sure I'd be up for going up by hooks. But the fantasy, that rather appeals to me. Maybe one day, way, way, waaaaaay in the future, when I've conquered a few more of my fears, when I'm a little braver, when I can take a little more pain.
Then, maybe, we'll see what I'm made of.
To be honest, I've loved going to Hooked Up events - at every event, there's this electric energy in the air, Everytime someone goes up in the air, the place erupts into cheers, as people push themselves, as newcomers to the events first look horrified, and then by the end of it are firmly hooked on the whole event as anyone else there.
My Daddy was helping The New Boy's Sir with a phenomenal pull, where his Mistress was suspended via rope, and then attached to his hooks. The New Boy's Sir would then crawl away from his Mistress, who would then be lifted into the air, all the while Daddy was doing energy exchange within the whole rig. It was absolutely phenomenal to watch, and while I'm usually hopeless in sensing the energy in the room, even I could feel the pulse of that scene. It was simply incredible, even if my job was mostly as roadie.
I have to admit to having mixed feelings about hook suspension. There's a part of me that really wants to give it a try, but I'm an absolute pansy - pain is not my game at all. I even have difficulty with a lot of rope suspensions, I'm not sure I'd be up for going up by hooks. But the fantasy, that rather appeals to me. Maybe one day, way, way, waaaaaay in the future, when I've conquered a few more of my fears, when I'm a little braver, when I can take a little more pain.
Then, maybe, we'll see what I'm made of.
Back in the Cage
So, after finally healing up from my previous bout of chastity, I've been back in the cage since last Friday. This time, I'm taking a leaf out of the New Boy's advice book, and I'm using some sillicone-based lube to stop the horrendous chafing that happened last adventure. So far, so good!
So, I've been in for the last couple of days, and it turns out, you have to get used to sleeping in it at night all over again. Last night I decided to try an experiment, and used some painkillers before I went to bed to see if that would help. It turned out to work quite well, actually, with me only waking up the once (as opposed to the nights before that, where I was waking up at least 3-4 times during the night), as such today I'm actually feeling rather refreshed, as opposed to the last time, where I was tired for the first few days. So progress!
All up, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this go. Hopefully all the bugs'll have been ironed out, and I can go long-term for a while!
So, I've been in for the last couple of days, and it turns out, you have to get used to sleeping in it at night all over again. Last night I decided to try an experiment, and used some painkillers before I went to bed to see if that would help. It turned out to work quite well, actually, with me only waking up the once (as opposed to the nights before that, where I was waking up at least 3-4 times during the night), as such today I'm actually feeling rather refreshed, as opposed to the last time, where I was tired for the first few days. So progress!
All up, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this go. Hopefully all the bugs'll have been ironed out, and I can go long-term for a while!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sparrows
Earlier this week I read a post of tumblr talking about how birds have become a common symbol of fragility and vulnerability in a few places (and how this apparently has spread to the rest of society), and it got me to thinking. While I'm not sure I really believe in totem animals, or spirit animals, sparrows definitely call to me, and the more I watched sparrows, the more I researched their behaviors and symbology, the more they called to me.
But symbols of fragility? Of vulnerability? Sure, sparrows are small and cute, and I don't deny that that's what attracted me to them in the first place, but having been an avid sparrow watcher for the last while, the last thing I think of when it comes to sparrows is vulnerability. The associations they have in my mind are very, very different.
First and foremost in my mind, sparrows survive. Wherever sparrows have been introduced, they have not only survived, but thrived. They're not picky about what they eat, they'll eat seeds and fruit, or they'll stalk your local mcdonalds, waiting for you to leave your scraps (or in one case, wait until your attention is elsewhere, and steal a French fry). On the Australian east coast, they are a pest, a pest so pervasive and so skilled as surviving in our conditions that we've basically given up the idea of controlling them.
Sparrows are also vicious. See, while we look at sparrows and see them as these shy birds flying away at the first sign of human attention, when it comes to other birds, sparrows are incredibly aggressive. They will attack other birds and steal their nests. In their gangs, they'll flock around another intruding bird and chase them away from the human and their lunch. Sparrows will burn down your house. They are, really, the teenage gangs of the bird world.
Sparrows to me, also represent Urbanity. While they live everywhere, my strongest memories of sparrows are within the city of Melbourne, and within my own back yard. And I am definitely an Urban boy. While I can appreciate the beauty of nature, the beauty of the city speaks to my heart. My heart quickens when I see the giant cranes of the Melbourne docks lit up when I'm traveling home, or watch the flow of traffic from a highrise building, or when I travel to high lookouts, and get to see the city grid lit up at night. To me, Sparrows are part of that Urban beauty. Where humans are, you'll find sparrows in pretty quick order, they are a quintessential part of the cityscape, and the cityscape is a quintessential part of me.
Sparrows also represent family. Sparrows on their own don't often survive long. They tend to hang around in groups of 5-6, because there's always safety in numbers. 5 sparrows can see something 1 sparrow might miss. If you see one sparrow, there's likely to be another few hanging back, waiting until it's safe to come down. Sparrows always remind me that, no matter how hard I try, I will never achieve as much on my own as I will with people around me, supporting me to be my best.
And, most of all, they represent freedom. You have to work pretty hard to trap a sparrow, they're skittish and small, and are quick to fly at the first sign of danger. We have often projected this onto birds, but the ability to fly away, to wherever you want? It's a glorious gift, one that I envy, at times. These days, of course, I spend a lot less time trying to run away from my life, but old feelings sometimes die hard.
But don't call a sparrow vulnerable - they can bloody well take care of themselves!
But symbols of fragility? Of vulnerability? Sure, sparrows are small and cute, and I don't deny that that's what attracted me to them in the first place, but having been an avid sparrow watcher for the last while, the last thing I think of when it comes to sparrows is vulnerability. The associations they have in my mind are very, very different.
First and foremost in my mind, sparrows survive. Wherever sparrows have been introduced, they have not only survived, but thrived. They're not picky about what they eat, they'll eat seeds and fruit, or they'll stalk your local mcdonalds, waiting for you to leave your scraps (or in one case, wait until your attention is elsewhere, and steal a French fry). On the Australian east coast, they are a pest, a pest so pervasive and so skilled as surviving in our conditions that we've basically given up the idea of controlling them.
Sparrows are also vicious. See, while we look at sparrows and see them as these shy birds flying away at the first sign of human attention, when it comes to other birds, sparrows are incredibly aggressive. They will attack other birds and steal their nests. In their gangs, they'll flock around another intruding bird and chase them away from the human and their lunch. Sparrows will burn down your house. They are, really, the teenage gangs of the bird world.
Sparrows to me, also represent Urbanity. While they live everywhere, my strongest memories of sparrows are within the city of Melbourne, and within my own back yard. And I am definitely an Urban boy. While I can appreciate the beauty of nature, the beauty of the city speaks to my heart. My heart quickens when I see the giant cranes of the Melbourne docks lit up when I'm traveling home, or watch the flow of traffic from a highrise building, or when I travel to high lookouts, and get to see the city grid lit up at night. To me, Sparrows are part of that Urban beauty. Where humans are, you'll find sparrows in pretty quick order, they are a quintessential part of the cityscape, and the cityscape is a quintessential part of me.
Sparrows also represent family. Sparrows on their own don't often survive long. They tend to hang around in groups of 5-6, because there's always safety in numbers. 5 sparrows can see something 1 sparrow might miss. If you see one sparrow, there's likely to be another few hanging back, waiting until it's safe to come down. Sparrows always remind me that, no matter how hard I try, I will never achieve as much on my own as I will with people around me, supporting me to be my best.
And, most of all, they represent freedom. You have to work pretty hard to trap a sparrow, they're skittish and small, and are quick to fly at the first sign of danger. We have often projected this onto birds, but the ability to fly away, to wherever you want? It's a glorious gift, one that I envy, at times. These days, of course, I spend a lot less time trying to run away from my life, but old feelings sometimes die hard.
But don't call a sparrow vulnerable - they can bloody well take care of themselves!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Chastity - Hazardous to My Health
So last weekend, I found the device getting more and more uncomfortable, so I asked Daddy if I could take it off for a night, just to let my body reset itself. After a comedy of errors trying to get the device off (it took getting pliers to get the thing off), we discovered the reason why it was starting to get uncomfortable.
On the underside of my penis, where I can't casually inspect it when the device is on, part of it had clearly been rubbing a lot, and so there was a large sore. Which was probably why I had been finding it hard to find a comfy position!
So, it's been off since the weekend while my poor penis recovers it's skin. Fortunately, it seems to be healing quite well. I'm still not quite sure what exactly cause the skin break - The surface of the Birdcage is quite smooth, so there's nothing pricking me or anything like that.
Our next plan of attack is to make sure that we use lube when I'm getting into the device, to see if that helps. We'll have to see, because I'm not a fan of the idea of one-week-on, one-week-off with the device, not least because I'm fairly certain constant sores is a bad idea...
On the underside of my penis, where I can't casually inspect it when the device is on, part of it had clearly been rubbing a lot, and so there was a large sore. Which was probably why I had been finding it hard to find a comfy position!
So, it's been off since the weekend while my poor penis recovers it's skin. Fortunately, it seems to be healing quite well. I'm still not quite sure what exactly cause the skin break - The surface of the Birdcage is quite smooth, so there's nothing pricking me or anything like that.
Our next plan of attack is to make sure that we use lube when I'm getting into the device, to see if that helps. We'll have to see, because I'm not a fan of the idea of one-week-on, one-week-off with the device, not least because I'm fairly certain constant sores is a bad idea...
Monday, May 30, 2011
Being the Best for Daddy
The Melbourne Leather Alliance is organising a big, full-blown, high-protocol dinner. Yesterday me and Daddy went to the home of the people who will be hosting the event, as Daddy is going to be involved with food preparation.
As well as talk about food, there was discussion of basic protocols, and how the subs were going to interact and be treated. One thing that the organisers are planning to be quite insistent on is that the doms will not be served by their own subs - instead, they will be served by anyone else. All personal protocols will be left at the door, and there will instead be the group protocol that everyone, dom and sub, will be required to follow.
This has lead to a bit of interesting discussion with Daddy, specifically that because I won't be serving him directly, I have more expectations on me at this dinner - he's told me quite emphatically that he expects me to be the best submissive at that dinner. It is expected of me that whoever I serve should be shown just how a sub is to behave, and what it is to be served.
Trust Daddy to pile on the pressure in an unfamiliar environment!
I do understand why Daddy is deciding to indulge his competitive streak - mainly because it's there and also because he genuinely wants me to excel. At dinner after the meeting he said quite plainly to me "I expect you to be paying perfect attention at the practice meetings, and I expect to see you practising at home". I'm the sort of person who generally doesn't worry about making mistakes, so long as the task gets done, and I'm also aware that Daddy is trying very hard to put this sort of behaviour to bed, and ensure that I'm focused and attentive to orders at all times.
So, yes, I'm a bit worried about how well I'm going to do. As much as I'd love to be perfect in my service, I'm just not at the moment. Although that's the entire point of the exercise, I guess!
As well as talk about food, there was discussion of basic protocols, and how the subs were going to interact and be treated. One thing that the organisers are planning to be quite insistent on is that the doms will not be served by their own subs - instead, they will be served by anyone else. All personal protocols will be left at the door, and there will instead be the group protocol that everyone, dom and sub, will be required to follow.
This has lead to a bit of interesting discussion with Daddy, specifically that because I won't be serving him directly, I have more expectations on me at this dinner - he's told me quite emphatically that he expects me to be the best submissive at that dinner. It is expected of me that whoever I serve should be shown just how a sub is to behave, and what it is to be served.
Trust Daddy to pile on the pressure in an unfamiliar environment!
I do understand why Daddy is deciding to indulge his competitive streak - mainly because it's there and also because he genuinely wants me to excel. At dinner after the meeting he said quite plainly to me "I expect you to be paying perfect attention at the practice meetings, and I expect to see you practising at home". I'm the sort of person who generally doesn't worry about making mistakes, so long as the task gets done, and I'm also aware that Daddy is trying very hard to put this sort of behaviour to bed, and ensure that I'm focused and attentive to orders at all times.
So, yes, I'm a bit worried about how well I'm going to do. As much as I'd love to be perfect in my service, I'm just not at the moment. Although that's the entire point of the exercise, I guess!
Monday, May 23, 2011
I Think It Went Well...
So, Friday night was my date with the New Boy (who will get a name on this blog soon, when I think of a decent one), and I think it went pretty well, truth be told.
I decided to go all traditional, so I took him to a nice Mongolian BBQ restaurant, where we had a delicious, tasty meal and took the time to geek at each other incessantly and get to know each other generally over a glass of wine, and then I took him to a very nice cocktail bar and we each got a cocktail.
It was kinda interesting, actually, when he intimated to me that he sometimes has a bit of trouble with public displays of affection in public spaces, since he grew up in a rural town, so very different from my background (where I had gay uncles, and never really got a lot of queerphobia from my family and the world around me until I was in high school). We mused on the fact that we are very similar in a lot of ways. We're both subs, owned by transman doms, who are absolute geeks, into Chastity. And we like each other. It seems like such an incredible match!
After enjoying our very nice cocktails, I asked whether he wanted to come to my place or me to his, and so we decided on his place. When we got there, we relaxed by watching Doctor Who, until I decided to jump him and have some fun with him.
Now, you may have read my previous post and may have noticed something odd. And you would be correctly, actually - Yes, I was in the cage all night, Daddy did not give me the night off for the date. Which, I'll be honest, was perfectly fine by me. It meant I could make the night all about him, and means that I could play with him and have fun giving pleasure, which I always enjoy.
All up, I greatly enjoyed our date, and from all appearances I think the New Boy did too, since he's clearly looking forward to our next date! I think this could become a thing, I think...
I decided to go all traditional, so I took him to a nice Mongolian BBQ restaurant, where we had a delicious, tasty meal and took the time to geek at each other incessantly and get to know each other generally over a glass of wine, and then I took him to a very nice cocktail bar and we each got a cocktail.
It was kinda interesting, actually, when he intimated to me that he sometimes has a bit of trouble with public displays of affection in public spaces, since he grew up in a rural town, so very different from my background (where I had gay uncles, and never really got a lot of queerphobia from my family and the world around me until I was in high school). We mused on the fact that we are very similar in a lot of ways. We're both subs, owned by transman doms, who are absolute geeks, into Chastity. And we like each other. It seems like such an incredible match!
After enjoying our very nice cocktails, I asked whether he wanted to come to my place or me to his, and so we decided on his place. When we got there, we relaxed by watching Doctor Who, until I decided to jump him and have some fun with him.
Now, you may have read my previous post and may have noticed something odd. And you would be correctly, actually - Yes, I was in the cage all night, Daddy did not give me the night off for the date. Which, I'll be honest, was perfectly fine by me. It meant I could make the night all about him, and means that I could play with him and have fun giving pleasure, which I always enjoy.
All up, I greatly enjoyed our date, and from all appearances I think the New Boy did too, since he's clearly looking forward to our next date! I think this could become a thing, I think...
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Caged Back In
This week, Daddy decided that since I've healed up, I get to go into the Birdcage on a more long-term basis. I'd gotten to sleep in it once when we first got it, but my arm being in a sling made wearing the device long term untenable (since having it on does make a whole lot of things more awkward). But now, I'm healed up, feeling a hell of a lot better, and now, the Birdcage is on on a full-time basis!
So, I've now been in the Birdcage for almost a week (7 days on, 1 day off in the middle, which is I think a new record for me in the cage!), and so, I think I've been wearing it for long enough to have some thoughts about being in it longer-term:
As for the feeling of being in Chastity again? I've discussed it previously, but having a cock cage on? It's kinda like having a collar - you can be owned without one, but having that physical reminder makes you remember it all the time. During the Year of Chastity, I spent most of that time with my chastity just sorta being this neutral state. Whereas I don't think the same would be true in the cage, if the last week has been any indication. You feel it every minute of every day, it's a constant reminder of what you've submitted to (which, admittedly, can be very... ouchy when you're turned on by chastity!), which just makes it impossible to forget.
So, I've now been in the Birdcage for almost a week (7 days on, 1 day off in the middle, which is I think a new record for me in the cage!), and so, I think I've been wearing it for long enough to have some thoughts about being in it longer-term:
- It's really pretty, especially on me. It's nice and shiny, and it looks, well, vaguely natural, compared to the clear plastic of the CB6000.
- It's surprisingly comfortable, truth be told. For something made out of hard, unyielding steel, it's actually really comfortable to wear for the most part. The trickiest issues are wearing it under clothes and having to surreptitiously adjust the device when I sit down, or am driving, since the most comfortable position standing up is rarely the same as sitting down, and underwear kinda restricts where the Bircage can roll.
- That said, erections in the cage hurt. When you're totally in the mood, and absolutely having fun, you don't care, but the testicles can really get squeezed in that thing.
Oh, I should probably elaborate on that one. See, the penis actually doesn't get most of the pain. In my case, when I get hard, I get long enough that there's a goodly amount of shaft being pushed behind the ring as well, pushing the testicles further forward, which causes squeezing. Which can get rather... Ouchy. - Cleaning in the cage is actually remarkably straightforward - when I'm soft, I can even peel the foreskin down and clean properly, which is kinda remarkable. I haven't been noticing any particularly bad smell, and since it's mostly metal, and I can squeeze toilet paper around the bars, it's really easy to clean up after peeing too. I have, however, decided to start peeing sitting. It's not that it's messy standing up, but it can be a little harder to control.
- The sleep, as to be expected, has been rather interrupted for the first week, but I think I'm finally getting used to sleeping with it on. I also suspect the application of moisturiser to previously aforementioned bits also helps significantly in stopping night erections from waking me up. For example, I don't remember actually waking up last night, which has to be a good sign.
As for the feeling of being in Chastity again? I've discussed it previously, but having a cock cage on? It's kinda like having a collar - you can be owned without one, but having that physical reminder makes you remember it all the time. During the Year of Chastity, I spent most of that time with my chastity just sorta being this neutral state. Whereas I don't think the same would be true in the cage, if the last week has been any indication. You feel it every minute of every day, it's a constant reminder of what you've submitted to (which, admittedly, can be very... ouchy when you're turned on by chastity!), which just makes it impossible to forget.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Goin' on a date...
I wrote quite recently that I was kinda-courting a new boy. Well, I finally decided to take the plunge and ask him out, with Daddy and his best friend both sitting there being my cheerleaders (and I'm not kidding - there were literally there going "Rah rah rah!" at me, and insisting that I tell them the instant he responded back. I had honestly intended to ask him out in person, but it was getting nearly impossible to get alone time with him, so a text message had to do.
I'm not going to tell you exactly how he replied to that message, but in completely related news I'm going out on a date with him this Friday after work. I'm going to be almost useless at work the day after, but I have confidence that it's going to be absolutely worth it!
I'll admit, I've been quite excited planning and plotting this date, since I almost never go out on dates myself. Figuring out what we'll do, where we'll do it... So many options! So little time to decide. I'd tell you my plans, dear readers, but I happen to know that he's following this blog now, and I'm planning this to be a surprise for him!
I'm not going to tell you exactly how he replied to that message, but in completely related news I'm going out on a date with him this Friday after work. I'm going to be almost useless at work the day after, but I have confidence that it's going to be absolutely worth it!
I'll admit, I've been quite excited planning and plotting this date, since I almost never go out on dates myself. Figuring out what we'll do, where we'll do it... So many options! So little time to decide. I'd tell you my plans, dear readers, but I happen to know that he's following this blog now, and I'm planning this to be a surprise for him!
Rescheduling
Since the broken elbow there has regrettably been a slip of schedule. I haven't been going to the gym, chores haven't been done as best as they could, the house doesn't get clean, and my bedtime has been getting rather... flexible.
This has been most unacceptable to Daddy, so on Sunday, we went out for a date and during that date we decided to sit down and get my schedules rearranged for the week.
While we looked at the schedule it became clear that I had been trying to shove far too much stuff into a far too small amount of time, and something had to give in my schedule. On Monday we also got a Dishwasher, so the chore of getting dishes done had suddenly become a whole lot simpler, and thankfully not too difficult to get done every day, so the machine-aided chores (things like washing dishes and washing/drying clothes), have now become nightly/morning chores. My pre-bedtime schedule has been standardised, so that I know that half an hour before I go to bed I'd better have done the nightly chores, brushed my teeth, and anything else outstanding, and my time in the morning has been structured more, to fit in the new chores and to make sure I don't end up late for work.
I'm now two days into the schedule, and thanks to Daddy's Insomnia the first day he was there making sure I went through the entire schedule (apparently I faff around a lot in the mornings!) Part of the schedule, as he points out, is to be mindful, and to do everything in the order that it is written. I'm still working on making sure I'm checking the schedule each morning and night, rather than remembering everything that needs to be done, but I'm sure that will come in time.
This has been most unacceptable to Daddy, so on Sunday, we went out for a date and during that date we decided to sit down and get my schedules rearranged for the week.
While we looked at the schedule it became clear that I had been trying to shove far too much stuff into a far too small amount of time, and something had to give in my schedule. On Monday we also got a Dishwasher, so the chore of getting dishes done had suddenly become a whole lot simpler, and thankfully not too difficult to get done every day, so the machine-aided chores (things like washing dishes and washing/drying clothes), have now become nightly/morning chores. My pre-bedtime schedule has been standardised, so that I know that half an hour before I go to bed I'd better have done the nightly chores, brushed my teeth, and anything else outstanding, and my time in the morning has been structured more, to fit in the new chores and to make sure I don't end up late for work.
I'm now two days into the schedule, and thanks to Daddy's Insomnia the first day he was there making sure I went through the entire schedule (apparently I faff around a lot in the mornings!) Part of the schedule, as he points out, is to be mindful, and to do everything in the order that it is written. I'm still working on making sure I'm checking the schedule each morning and night, rather than remembering everything that needs to be done, but I'm sure that will come in time.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
New Possibilities.
Quite some time back I talked about having other partners, but as might be expected from reading this blog, it hasn't exactly been a full-time search for me for a very long time. There's been a lot of confusions and a lot of unanswered questions in my head that have been making it very difficult for me to start the process of looking for another partner, and I've not been entirely sure that I've been in the mindset for new partners anyway.
Well, something's changed in the last few weeks, because all of a sudden there's been a particular boy that I've had my eye on. He is a leather-pup (currently owned by a friend of mine) incredibly geeky, quick-witted, cute, and kind-hearted - so, a lot like me. Also, admittedly, it probably helped that the first time we met we ended up snogging, so there's definitely a mutual attraction there.
Of course, there's one important step that, thus far, I haven't actually gone through with yet, and that's actually telling the boy that actually yes I do like-like him. Have had a couple of points where I'd planned to tell him but wasn't able to do it in a private environment, but really that's just partly delay on my end.
I must admit to being a bit excited by the whole thing, even if I feel like a bit of a doofus for having all this attraction and not really feeling like I've done terribly much about it. And vague, flirty text messages are not, unfortunately, a substitute for the more direct "I think you're really hot and I'd like to do dirty things with you".
But, one step at a time, I guess!
Well, something's changed in the last few weeks, because all of a sudden there's been a particular boy that I've had my eye on. He is a leather-pup (currently owned by a friend of mine) incredibly geeky, quick-witted, cute, and kind-hearted - so, a lot like me. Also, admittedly, it probably helped that the first time we met we ended up snogging, so there's definitely a mutual attraction there.
Of course, there's one important step that, thus far, I haven't actually gone through with yet, and that's actually telling the boy that actually yes I do like-like him. Have had a couple of points where I'd planned to tell him but wasn't able to do it in a private environment, but really that's just partly delay on my end.
I must admit to being a bit excited by the whole thing, even if I feel like a bit of a doofus for having all this attraction and not really feeling like I've done terribly much about it. And vague, flirty text messages are not, unfortunately, a substitute for the more direct "I think you're really hot and I'd like to do dirty things with you".
But, one step at a time, I guess!
Fear of Community.
I freely admit - it's been a while since I've been part of a community.
I was heavily involved in the geek communities when I was at uni - to the point where I was making clubs, being on committees, organising things. I was there whenever I could, I'd participate however I could, I was a part of that group.
And then I graduated. I left uni for the outside world. For a while it was still okay - I was still living around some of my friends so I still had tethers in that community, but once I moved across the city, Those tethers started getting a whole lot more tenuous.
And so, for the last couple of years, I haven't really been connected to any community, certainly not in the same sense. And I think that needs to have some explanation. See, I do go the kink events, and I help Daddy out with events that he holds for the Kink community, but me? I don't really make much of an effort to really be part of the community as a whole. And while I have a lot of friends in the kink scene and a lot of queer friends, they're so dispersed it's not really a community.
I bring this up because me and Daddy had a discussion last night about my feelings on becoming an honest-to-god Leather Boy. And after a lot of discussion, the main thing that seems to be holding me back is becoming part of a community again. And let me tell you, that's a bit strange - you'd think that I'd relish the opportunity to be part of a community again, but I have this real reluctance to get back into another community.
Daddy, of course, made the perfectly valid observation that I've been resisting it because to become part of a community I'd have to engage with said community, and I've been in a heavy cycle of disengagement from the world around me. I've been happy to interact with the world around me, but only as an outsider, because the beauty of being an outsider is that you never have to commit - you can say your piece and leave scott-free.
So, I guess, the main fear isn't really about community - it's about engaging, and we already knew I had that problem. I've alway been more comfortable being distant, but that's not something that I can keep doing.
So, what was the answer to whether I want to be a Leather Boy? I'm still not sure yet. I think it's going to turn out to be yes, but I may have to get dragged kicking and screaming to get there!
I was heavily involved in the geek communities when I was at uni - to the point where I was making clubs, being on committees, organising things. I was there whenever I could, I'd participate however I could, I was a part of that group.
And then I graduated. I left uni for the outside world. For a while it was still okay - I was still living around some of my friends so I still had tethers in that community, but once I moved across the city, Those tethers started getting a whole lot more tenuous.
And so, for the last couple of years, I haven't really been connected to any community, certainly not in the same sense. And I think that needs to have some explanation. See, I do go the kink events, and I help Daddy out with events that he holds for the Kink community, but me? I don't really make much of an effort to really be part of the community as a whole. And while I have a lot of friends in the kink scene and a lot of queer friends, they're so dispersed it's not really a community.
I bring this up because me and Daddy had a discussion last night about my feelings on becoming an honest-to-god Leather Boy. And after a lot of discussion, the main thing that seems to be holding me back is becoming part of a community again. And let me tell you, that's a bit strange - you'd think that I'd relish the opportunity to be part of a community again, but I have this real reluctance to get back into another community.
Daddy, of course, made the perfectly valid observation that I've been resisting it because to become part of a community I'd have to engage with said community, and I've been in a heavy cycle of disengagement from the world around me. I've been happy to interact with the world around me, but only as an outsider, because the beauty of being an outsider is that you never have to commit - you can say your piece and leave scott-free.
So, I guess, the main fear isn't really about community - it's about engaging, and we already knew I had that problem. I've alway been more comfortable being distant, but that's not something that I can keep doing.
So, what was the answer to whether I want to be a Leather Boy? I'm still not sure yet. I think it's going to turn out to be yes, but I may have to get dragged kicking and screaming to get there!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Back in Service
The Broken Elbow has led to a very different last few weeks, where I've been released somewhat from a lot of my duties, owing to the fact that I'm not able to do them. It means that I've been stopped from driving places, I've not been able to do dishes or a great deal of cleaning up the house, etc.
And then, last week, I had my wisdom teeth taken out, and from that point Daddy really was being his Daddy best and taking care of me, while I was out of my gourd stoned on painkillers. It's very hard to be of service to your Daddy when you're completely out of it on codeine, while you're waiting for the holes in your gums to close up.
But finally, today, the sling came off. Six long weeks of being cooped up, of effectively having my wings tied up, and today I was finally able to be free. In celebration of this fact, I have been running around the house like a madman getting the place cleaned up after six weeks of letting the place go a little. Washing is still going through the washing machine, Dishes have been done, my room is getting much, much tidier now, and clothes have been folded and put away.
And, you know, blog posts are being done. That's also a very important duty.
But the biggest and most important this was how happy it's all made me. Being able to run around and do those housework things that belong to me has made me so very, very happy, so much that I've been literally dancing with joy all over the house. I feel like a whole bunch of tension has just been worked out of me, for which I am so very happy for.
And then, last week, I had my wisdom teeth taken out, and from that point Daddy really was being his Daddy best and taking care of me, while I was out of my gourd stoned on painkillers. It's very hard to be of service to your Daddy when you're completely out of it on codeine, while you're waiting for the holes in your gums to close up.
But finally, today, the sling came off. Six long weeks of being cooped up, of effectively having my wings tied up, and today I was finally able to be free. In celebration of this fact, I have been running around the house like a madman getting the place cleaned up after six weeks of letting the place go a little. Washing is still going through the washing machine, Dishes have been done, my room is getting much, much tidier now, and clothes have been folded and put away.
And, you know, blog posts are being done. That's also a very important duty.
But the biggest and most important this was how happy it's all made me. Being able to run around and do those housework things that belong to me has made me so very, very happy, so much that I've been literally dancing with joy all over the house. I feel like a whole bunch of tension has just been worked out of me, for which I am so very happy for.
It's been a loooong time.
So, I kinda fell off the radar the last six weeks or so.
What actually happened was that I broke my right elbow. It was a pretty funny set of circumnstances - I was helping out at the Melbourne Fetish Awards, and managed to trip over a plank of wood. In fact, after missing it the first few times, and without alcohol inside of me. So, yeah, I've had one arm pretty much immobilised and unable to do anything for the last six weeks. Typing is a slow, awkward process, thus I haven't been able to really keep up with my usual schedule.
This, of course, simply means that I'm going to be posting a lot in the next couple of weeks to catch up. It'll be like last November, but fun!
What actually happened was that I broke my right elbow. It was a pretty funny set of circumnstances - I was helping out at the Melbourne Fetish Awards, and managed to trip over a plank of wood. In fact, after missing it the first few times, and without alcohol inside of me. So, yeah, I've had one arm pretty much immobilised and unable to do anything for the last six weeks. Typing is a slow, awkward process, thus I haven't been able to really keep up with my usual schedule.
This, of course, simply means that I'm going to be posting a lot in the next couple of weeks to catch up. It'll be like last November, but fun!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Oh. That's Right.
So, last night I'd managed to beg sufficiently for Daddy to let me give the Birdcage a try (it took a couple of days, with Daddy constantly taunting me with it, telling me that I couldn't have it. So mean!). Once again, we hit that awkward problem of me getting aroused by chastity, so once again it took a good 20-30m to actually get the damn thing on!
But once it's on, I have to say it was a lot more comfortable than the CB-6000. While I didn't lube myself to get into it (it was sort of spur-of-the-moment to try), the fact that we actually could get the Birdcage on without problems shows that it's definitely a better fit!
Daddy decided to give me the option of sleeping with it through the night, and I decided that I might as well. Me, in my desire for trying it out, may have forgotten, exactly, the problems of wearing cock cages overnight. My count ended up being woken up about 5 times during the night due to extreme discomfort. I'm relearning some of my old strategies, for example, I found out that I don't actually have to get up to walk around to get everything to settle down. I can just leave the cage out of the covers, and let the cold, cold air do the trick (of course, keeping just the cage out while keeping everything else warm is a difficult trick, but something I'm working on).
Daddy told me to take off the cage before I went to work, so it's now back on my bedroom side table, and I am now getting ready to leave for work, so I might finish this post here.
But once it's on, I have to say it was a lot more comfortable than the CB-6000. While I didn't lube myself to get into it (it was sort of spur-of-the-moment to try), the fact that we actually could get the Birdcage on without problems shows that it's definitely a better fit!
Daddy decided to give me the option of sleeping with it through the night, and I decided that I might as well. Me, in my desire for trying it out, may have forgotten, exactly, the problems of wearing cock cages overnight. My count ended up being woken up about 5 times during the night due to extreme discomfort. I'm relearning some of my old strategies, for example, I found out that I don't actually have to get up to walk around to get everything to settle down. I can just leave the cage out of the covers, and let the cold, cold air do the trick (of course, keeping just the cage out while keeping everything else warm is a difficult trick, but something I'm working on).
Daddy told me to take off the cage before I went to work, so it's now back on my bedroom side table, and I am now getting ready to leave for work, so I might finish this post here.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Post 100, and again it's about Chastity
Amazingly, this blog has managed to reach it's 100th Entry! Incredible! I was never entirely sure if I'd manage to make it this far, but when you have a person like Daddy with his hand on the cane, I guess you get plenty of motivation!
Now, with that self-congratulatory paragraph out of the way, Me and Daddy had our aniversary last month, and in true style, neither of us have got our anniversary presents yet (I'm getting him rope, which was ordered in January and still hasn't turned up, he was planning on making me a naughty chair). Daddy has realised that he doesn't really have the tools to make what he wanted to make me, so instead, he's decided to go with my other passion, and get me a new chastity device.
This is the device that Daddy's getting me, the Birdcage, and we're getting it from Extreme Restraints, as they've marked it down pretty impressively, and I also had a coupon as well (Hey! Sometimes the marketing emails turn out to be pretty awesome, actually!). I'm looking really forward to this one. I've been eyeing it for some time, since I wasn't terribly impressed with the CB6000 I'd bought last year. Admittedly, I'd probably picked the wrong device anyway, since I'm a bit too large for it (and yes, Daddy did warn me, I was sure it'd be alright). The fact that it's steel means it looks really cool (and while the CB Curve is a similar design, let's be honest - there something about that steel look that you just can't duplicate), and it should be really durable as well (I've heard a lot of stories of CB devices splitting).
So, I'm pretty much just counting down the days until it arrives. Odds are excellent that it'll turn up before Daddy's Anniversary present arrives. Will need to do some checking about that, actually...
Now, with that self-congratulatory paragraph out of the way, Me and Daddy had our aniversary last month, and in true style, neither of us have got our anniversary presents yet (I'm getting him rope, which was ordered in January and still hasn't turned up, he was planning on making me a naughty chair). Daddy has realised that he doesn't really have the tools to make what he wanted to make me, so instead, he's decided to go with my other passion, and get me a new chastity device.
This is the device that Daddy's getting me, the Birdcage, and we're getting it from Extreme Restraints, as they've marked it down pretty impressively, and I also had a coupon as well (Hey! Sometimes the marketing emails turn out to be pretty awesome, actually!). I'm looking really forward to this one. I've been eyeing it for some time, since I wasn't terribly impressed with the CB6000 I'd bought last year. Admittedly, I'd probably picked the wrong device anyway, since I'm a bit too large for it (and yes, Daddy did warn me, I was sure it'd be alright). The fact that it's steel means it looks really cool (and while the CB Curve is a similar design, let's be honest - there something about that steel look that you just can't duplicate), and it should be really durable as well (I've heard a lot of stories of CB devices splitting).
So, I'm pretty much just counting down the days until it arrives. Odds are excellent that it'll turn up before Daddy's Anniversary present arrives. Will need to do some checking about that, actually...
Monday, February 28, 2011
Being a Roadie
Me and Daddy have often joked that my role in our relationship often seems to be Roadie - the person who carries all the equipment, who helps clean up and set up, etc.
But, between you and I, reader, this is a role that I cherish.
For without me, Daddy would not get to play with his rope with nearly as many people, for nearly as long. Me assisting in coiling his rope, me helping lug rope and other things to events, me helping hold and hoist people as needed... It's not that my Daddy couldn't do without my aid. But he certainly wouldn't be able to do as much without me.
And that's what a Boy is supposed to do - I'm supposed to use my skills and talents to assist my Daddy to be the best Daddy he can be. The Daddy/Boy relationship is a two-way street. And while sometimes, I feel like I take a lot from my Daddy in terms of emotional needs (and hell, the whole training me to be less shit at life thing), it can be easy to forget that I serve him in any number of other needs as well.
But that's what I do, and I do it well, and with love.
But, between you and I, reader, this is a role that I cherish.
For without me, Daddy would not get to play with his rope with nearly as many people, for nearly as long. Me assisting in coiling his rope, me helping lug rope and other things to events, me helping hold and hoist people as needed... It's not that my Daddy couldn't do without my aid. But he certainly wouldn't be able to do as much without me.
And that's what a Boy is supposed to do - I'm supposed to use my skills and talents to assist my Daddy to be the best Daddy he can be. The Daddy/Boy relationship is a two-way street. And while sometimes, I feel like I take a lot from my Daddy in terms of emotional needs (and hell, the whole training me to be less shit at life thing), it can be easy to forget that I serve him in any number of other needs as well.
But that's what I do, and I do it well, and with love.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thoughts on Protocols
Daddy and I have been getting involved with the Melbourne Leather Alliance, a group who have been attempting to bring back an inclusive Leather Scene to Melbourne. While my work hours mean that I haven't been able to get to their dinners each month, The discussions each month are often followed up by conversations on Fetlife. This month, there was some discussion into the kinds of protocols that we'd like to institute as a group, I wrote some thoughts on the subject that I think I'd like to expand.
So, I had a thought about the kinds of activities I'd like to see ritualised, and came up with a few broad categories:
Social Niceties
By social niceties, I'm talking about greetings, introductions, terms of address, etc. Every group has a set of social niceties, and these tend to get used wherever and whenever the group meets. I think these are actually some of the more important rituals, because they very clearly build up a sense of identity in a group - How you say goodbye and hello, how you introduce yourself to someone, if these things are different to how the rest of the world does it, you get a sense very quickly as to who's part of the group or not. Also, in my view, having these rules of social interaction get me into a subby mindset a lot quickly than other rituals.
And in Leather, the amount of heirarchy that's involved means that these sort of rituals can get a little more complex and interesting. How a dominant greets a sub should probably be different to how they greet another dominant, which should also be different to how they greet a Master, or other honoured elder. Being able to acknowledge a person's place in the heirarchy should be a big part of our social niceties, because while we expect respect for all in our community, we don't have the illusion of equal power - some people are lower on the chain, some are higher, and that's both alright and wanted. We wouldn't be getting into Leather if we didn't want to play with the heirarchies.
Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:
Consent Rituals
In a group like Leather, where we do a lot of things that are not nice, and we do a lot of things that can get people in a lot of trouble, I think it's pretty obvious that you need solid, dependable rituals that let everyone know exactly what's permitted at which time. In this, I also include things like touching another Dominant's submissive, Rules for withdrawing consent, etc. As someone who has consent issues, having these sorts of extremely strict consent rituals is quite important.
This, by the by, also covers the general assorted manners and etiquette around play, including things like asking before joining in on someone else's scene, whether it's acceptable to talk to a submissive (certainly, I think that submissives should have ways of letting people know they can't be talked to that are accepted by all! Subs need to have the ability to defend themselves against other breaking their protocols), how doms and subs can quickly identify who belongs to whom etc. Basically how to avoid stepping on people's toes and continue having a good time with the minimum of fuss.
Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:
Event Rituals
By this, I'm talking about the big, heavy rituals, things like a Master's covering, like collarings, like debuting a submissive in their first event as a dominant, etc. These rituals probably don't happen a great deal of the time, so they're probably quite elaborate, full of symbology, and probably heavily overthought and overproduced, which is always nice from time to time. They should mark big events, and should be built to include as large a group as is feasible.
Some big rituals would be:
Activity Specific Rituals
By these, I'm talking about the small and large rituals that come into play in specific circumnstances. The most obvious train of thought here are dinner and dining rituals. How the table is meant to be presented, the order of seating and serving, whether subs sit at the table or must sit at a separate table, whether they're allowed to serve themselves before the dominant table has finished eating, etc. Another similar ritual might be for sharing transport - whether submissives must sit with their dominants, or whether the subs and doms sit together in their own sections, etc. The sorts of protocols that don't come up every time you meet, but come up often enough that you want to have clear protocols for when they do happen.
Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:
Another thing that's come up in my head is how you negotiate individual protocols with group protocols. Even if we were already in a tight, coherant group we'd still have to ask ourselves whether we make it a formal rule that group protocols supercede individual protocols, at least at high- or medium- protocol events. I think that there should be a sort of ship's law rule applying here - one should not be expected to drop their own personal rituals in their own home, but should adhere as close as is comfortable to group protocols in public spaces or at other people's homes.
There's also a question as to guests from other leather groups. In this case, I think a diplomatic approach should be taken - we shouldn't interfere with another leather group's protocols and rituals if at all possible. On the same token, it should be the responsibility of the guest to maintain clarity with the group, even if their protocols are different.
So, I had a thought about the kinds of activities I'd like to see ritualised, and came up with a few broad categories:
Social Niceties
By social niceties, I'm talking about greetings, introductions, terms of address, etc. Every group has a set of social niceties, and these tend to get used wherever and whenever the group meets. I think these are actually some of the more important rituals, because they very clearly build up a sense of identity in a group - How you say goodbye and hello, how you introduce yourself to someone, if these things are different to how the rest of the world does it, you get a sense very quickly as to who's part of the group or not. Also, in my view, having these rules of social interaction get me into a subby mindset a lot quickly than other rituals.
And in Leather, the amount of heirarchy that's involved means that these sort of rituals can get a little more complex and interesting. How a dominant greets a sub should probably be different to how they greet another dominant, which should also be different to how they greet a Master, or other honoured elder. Being able to acknowledge a person's place in the heirarchy should be a big part of our social niceties, because while we expect respect for all in our community, we don't have the illusion of equal power - some people are lower on the chain, some are higher, and that's both alright and wanted. We wouldn't be getting into Leather if we didn't want to play with the heirarchies.
Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:
- Both dominants and submissives should behave with politeness and respect to all individuals present. Politics is no excuse - all present should be treated with dignity, honesty and respect.
- Submissives address all dominants as Sir/Madam/Master/Mistress (ie by Title)
- Dominants choose how they address submissives, but negotiate with peers as to how they are addressed.
- Master/Mistresses should probably be referred to as "Master/Mistress X" by all - after all, they've usually earned the title.
- Switches should probably be treated as dominants unless their own dominant is present at the event, or unless they specifically request to be addressed as a submissive.
- Those under a dominant who have their own submissives are an interesting question. I think it should probably be up to the head dominant present as to how they should be addressed.
- When a family is greeted at an event, greeting the dominants should be considered as greeting the entire family, although subs may still be greeted separately if so desired.
- Someone new to the scene should be introduced by their own name, if they are not already in a relationship with someone else. If they already have a submissive, they should be accepted as dominant.
- A Dominant should be able to allow a submissive to be proxy for them, and act as representative, for things such as business and social interaction. I'm not sure how one would signify this, however.
Consent Rituals
In a group like Leather, where we do a lot of things that are not nice, and we do a lot of things that can get people in a lot of trouble, I think it's pretty obvious that you need solid, dependable rituals that let everyone know exactly what's permitted at which time. In this, I also include things like touching another Dominant's submissive, Rules for withdrawing consent, etc. As someone who has consent issues, having these sorts of extremely strict consent rituals is quite important.
This, by the by, also covers the general assorted manners and etiquette around play, including things like asking before joining in on someone else's scene, whether it's acceptable to talk to a submissive (certainly, I think that submissives should have ways of letting people know they can't be talked to that are accepted by all! Subs need to have the ability to defend themselves against other breaking their protocols), how doms and subs can quickly identify who belongs to whom etc. Basically how to avoid stepping on people's toes and continue having a good time with the minimum of fuss.
Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:
- If you are not in a relationship with a submissive, permission must be explicitly granted by their dominant, or if no dominant, the submissive themselves, before any touching or play occurs. Permissions requested and granted should be specific, and only valid for that session.
- If a dominant is present with a submissive, the dominant should be consulted before speaking with the submissive. Any permissions granted at that point should be considered holding for the night unless the dominant specifies otherwise.
- If a sub is not allowed to speak to another person without their dominant's permission, but the dominant is not present to grant that permission, they should look the speaker in the eye and point to their collar to indicate that they are not able to speak.
- Safewords should always be negotiated before any play, and strictly adhered to. (obvious, but should be noted)
- A submissive may never be punished by anyone other than their own dominant. A dominant may delegate the punishment to another, but the decision to punish, and the form that this takes, should never be assumed by anyone except the dominant.
Event Rituals
By this, I'm talking about the big, heavy rituals, things like a Master's covering, like collarings, like debuting a submissive in their first event as a dominant, etc. These rituals probably don't happen a great deal of the time, so they're probably quite elaborate, full of symbology, and probably heavily overthought and overproduced, which is always nice from time to time. They should mark big events, and should be built to include as large a group as is feasible.
Some big rituals would be:
- The collaring of a sub to a dominant
- The graduation of a dominant to Master
- The graduation of a submissive to a dominant
- The awarding of leathers
- Introduction of a new member to the scene
- The joining of a sub/dominant to another's house (not necessarily the same as the rituals above)
Activity Specific Rituals
By these, I'm talking about the small and large rituals that come into play in specific circumnstances. The most obvious train of thought here are dinner and dining rituals. How the table is meant to be presented, the order of seating and serving, whether subs sit at the table or must sit at a separate table, whether they're allowed to serve themselves before the dominant table has finished eating, etc. Another similar ritual might be for sharing transport - whether submissives must sit with their dominants, or whether the subs and doms sit together in their own sections, etc. The sorts of protocols that don't come up every time you meet, but come up often enough that you want to have clear protocols for when they do happen.
Some rituals and protocols I'd love to engage with in this category:
- Dominants should always be presented with food first.
- Submissives should be seated next to their dominant
- Tables and chairs should be arranged as such that one may rise at any time to leave the table, as submissives should be expected to assist their dominant's dining at any time.
- Submissives may not be allowed to eat before all dominants present have begun eating. A Dominant can release a submissive from this expectation, but this should be common at a large dinner where there are many dominants and submissive
- It is the submissive's duty to ensure the table is lain appropriately for the dinner setting
- During transport, front/window seats should be allocated to dominants before submissives. Exceptions to this exist for medical reasons or to accomodate partners, but should not be for comfort reasons.
- It is the submissive's duty to ensure that the transport is clean before they disembark, as it shows great disrespect to mess up another person's transport.
Another thing that's come up in my head is how you negotiate individual protocols with group protocols. Even if we were already in a tight, coherant group we'd still have to ask ourselves whether we make it a formal rule that group protocols supercede individual protocols, at least at high- or medium- protocol events. I think that there should be a sort of ship's law rule applying here - one should not be expected to drop their own personal rituals in their own home, but should adhere as close as is comfortable to group protocols in public spaces or at other people's homes.
There's also a question as to guests from other leather groups. In this case, I think a diplomatic approach should be taken - we shouldn't interfere with another leather group's protocols and rituals if at all possible. On the same token, it should be the responsibility of the guest to maintain clarity with the group, even if their protocols are different.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Seeking Self: Procrastination
What causes you to procrastinate? How do you think you could avoid it?
I have had many theories about this in the past.
I have often believed that I need a certain level of pressure in order to get something done. If there's no impetus, nothing that's urgently requiring me to do something, then chances are excellent I won't do it. This, I reasoned, explained why I had such issues doing school work and writing uni assignments any earlier than a day or two before they were due. It wasn't necessarily that I wasn't working on them, because I still read textbooks, and looked at extra reading, went to tutorials and went to lectures, but the writing itself? No, that was something that didn't need to be done right now.
Of course, leaving things to the last minute caused no certain level of stress, but those rare times where I did try to get things done weeks earlier, when the assignment was given, I found that my brain just didn't work like it did in the last few days - When I knew it had to be done right now, or else, my brain seemed to suddenly focus. There was no such thing as writer's block, because if I was stuck somewhere, well, there was plenty of other places to start working on, and I had no choice but to write - If I didn't get it done, then I'd lose marks and that just would not do.
When I look back on that line of reasoning though, it seems very self serving - a clear attempt to justify the current patterns of behaviour. Even those times where it almost lead to ruin (a note to people: you can organise a masquerade ball in less than a week. If you have an organising genius on your side. Thus, I don't advise it), I'd still believe that this is just the way I work.
Knowing what I know of myself now, I think there is a certain level of truth to the above, but the issue is a somewhat broader one - I lack a lot of self-motivation, so I gain motivation from external sources, one of which happens to be deadlines. These days, I also gain motivation from my Daddy imposing schedules and requirements on me. My work keeps me motivated by having my work behaviour constantly monitored - I know that if I slack off on the job, people will notice.
What I really need to do is identify ways of building self-motivation, so that I'm motivated to do things because I want to do them, not because there's some external problem that's going to happen if I don't. Certainly, it would make things like organising events and appointments a whole lot easier if I could do them not at the last minute. I have experimented in the past with self-imposed deadlines and schedules, but the results never end up being terribly promising - since I know there's no penalty for failure, I fail with abandon.
For the moment, I rely pretty heavily on external motivation, to the point that I suspect Daddy may feel a little put upon by how much I seem to rely on him to regulate my behaviour and keep me on the straight and narrow. If I knew of a way of building internal motivation... well, okay, let's be honest. The only way I'm going to build self-motivation is if some external force shoves it into me. I don't think that's going to do in the long term.
I have had many theories about this in the past.
I have often believed that I need a certain level of pressure in order to get something done. If there's no impetus, nothing that's urgently requiring me to do something, then chances are excellent I won't do it. This, I reasoned, explained why I had such issues doing school work and writing uni assignments any earlier than a day or two before they were due. It wasn't necessarily that I wasn't working on them, because I still read textbooks, and looked at extra reading, went to tutorials and went to lectures, but the writing itself? No, that was something that didn't need to be done right now.
Of course, leaving things to the last minute caused no certain level of stress, but those rare times where I did try to get things done weeks earlier, when the assignment was given, I found that my brain just didn't work like it did in the last few days - When I knew it had to be done right now, or else, my brain seemed to suddenly focus. There was no such thing as writer's block, because if I was stuck somewhere, well, there was plenty of other places to start working on, and I had no choice but to write - If I didn't get it done, then I'd lose marks and that just would not do.
When I look back on that line of reasoning though, it seems very self serving - a clear attempt to justify the current patterns of behaviour. Even those times where it almost lead to ruin (a note to people: you can organise a masquerade ball in less than a week. If you have an organising genius on your side. Thus, I don't advise it), I'd still believe that this is just the way I work.
Knowing what I know of myself now, I think there is a certain level of truth to the above, but the issue is a somewhat broader one - I lack a lot of self-motivation, so I gain motivation from external sources, one of which happens to be deadlines. These days, I also gain motivation from my Daddy imposing schedules and requirements on me. My work keeps me motivated by having my work behaviour constantly monitored - I know that if I slack off on the job, people will notice.
What I really need to do is identify ways of building self-motivation, so that I'm motivated to do things because I want to do them, not because there's some external problem that's going to happen if I don't. Certainly, it would make things like organising events and appointments a whole lot easier if I could do them not at the last minute. I have experimented in the past with self-imposed deadlines and schedules, but the results never end up being terribly promising - since I know there's no penalty for failure, I fail with abandon.
For the moment, I rely pretty heavily on external motivation, to the point that I suspect Daddy may feel a little put upon by how much I seem to rely on him to regulate my behaviour and keep me on the straight and narrow. If I knew of a way of building internal motivation... well, okay, let's be honest. The only way I'm going to build self-motivation is if some external force shoves it into me. I don't think that's going to do in the long term.
Flying High
So, me and Daddy went to Chains for the first time in a while. We'd been lured there by the promise of free entry, and with promises of a suspension frame, we decided why not?
I'm so glad we did, because I got to do something with Daddy that we haven't done together in literally years - I got to be suspended!
And well you may be asking - how could it be that the boy of a suspension top, probably one of the better known in Melbourne, hadn't been suspended in so long? Well, to be honest, a lot of it was just being at the bottom of the queue. Daddy gets requests from a lot of people to be suspended at events, and because we don't have a suspension frame at home, the only place we can do suspensions are at events. So, there just haven't been a lot of opportunities to do suspensions. Also, to be honest, I'm not a spectacularly impressive bottom, being such a pansy - I can't often stay up in the air for particularly long.
But last night, we'd made the spot-decision to rock up, Daddy had nothing on his plate, we had a suspension frame that hadn't had a suspension yet, Daddy had plans and ideas he wanted to experiment with, and we were both ready and rearing for play. Everything aligned just right.
So Daddy decided to experiment with a sort of side-suspension, with my left arm and leg tied together, and my right arm and leg kept straight. It kindof felt like I was superman, and it wasn't just my blue leather pants and red rope that had me feeling that way! It's been so long since I was suspended, I'd forgotten how wonderful that feeling of being off the ground feels like. I'd been craving it for so long! I only wish the frame was larger - I would have loved to have been really spun around with some inertia, like an airplane on a string. I think that would have been absolutely sensation, if, admittedly, a little nauseating.
Now that I think about it, I may be longing for the feeling I remember from riding on swings in the playground when I was young - the feeling of gravity and momentum fighting you, and you feeling every shift in direction. With the location we had, that kind of thing could be been dangerous, but it'd still be fun to try it someday, I think!
After the suspension, Daddy and I played together with some ropework, while talking to a few newbies. First, just a simple decorative tie, and then I got to have some fun when Daddy decided to practice blindfolded ropework. I'll admit, I greatly enjoy when Daddy decides to do blind ropework, and a lot of that is because Daddy has to touch me a lot more when he doesn't have his eyes to guide him. A lot of people are really impressed and amazed at the work Daddy does blindfolded, and I'm honestly not surprised - he does really good work just by touch alone. I look forward to being his practice bunny a bit more!
In all, it was a wonderful night. We've often complained that we don't always get a lot of play together, and I've always loved playing in public (it's the exhibitionist in me - I love being shown off!), and last night really hit the spot, right in the bullseye. I really hope this is the beginning of a trend, because I want to do a lot more play like that!
I'm so glad we did, because I got to do something with Daddy that we haven't done together in literally years - I got to be suspended!
And well you may be asking - how could it be that the boy of a suspension top, probably one of the better known in Melbourne, hadn't been suspended in so long? Well, to be honest, a lot of it was just being at the bottom of the queue. Daddy gets requests from a lot of people to be suspended at events, and because we don't have a suspension frame at home, the only place we can do suspensions are at events. So, there just haven't been a lot of opportunities to do suspensions. Also, to be honest, I'm not a spectacularly impressive bottom, being such a pansy - I can't often stay up in the air for particularly long.
But last night, we'd made the spot-decision to rock up, Daddy had nothing on his plate, we had a suspension frame that hadn't had a suspension yet, Daddy had plans and ideas he wanted to experiment with, and we were both ready and rearing for play. Everything aligned just right.
So Daddy decided to experiment with a sort of side-suspension, with my left arm and leg tied together, and my right arm and leg kept straight. It kindof felt like I was superman, and it wasn't just my blue leather pants and red rope that had me feeling that way! It's been so long since I was suspended, I'd forgotten how wonderful that feeling of being off the ground feels like. I'd been craving it for so long! I only wish the frame was larger - I would have loved to have been really spun around with some inertia, like an airplane on a string. I think that would have been absolutely sensation, if, admittedly, a little nauseating.
Now that I think about it, I may be longing for the feeling I remember from riding on swings in the playground when I was young - the feeling of gravity and momentum fighting you, and you feeling every shift in direction. With the location we had, that kind of thing could be been dangerous, but it'd still be fun to try it someday, I think!
After the suspension, Daddy and I played together with some ropework, while talking to a few newbies. First, just a simple decorative tie, and then I got to have some fun when Daddy decided to practice blindfolded ropework. I'll admit, I greatly enjoy when Daddy decides to do blind ropework, and a lot of that is because Daddy has to touch me a lot more when he doesn't have his eyes to guide him. A lot of people are really impressed and amazed at the work Daddy does blindfolded, and I'm honestly not surprised - he does really good work just by touch alone. I look forward to being his practice bunny a bit more!
In all, it was a wonderful night. We've often complained that we don't always get a lot of play together, and I've always loved playing in public (it's the exhibitionist in me - I love being shown off!), and last night really hit the spot, right in the bullseye. I really hope this is the beginning of a trend, because I want to do a lot more play like that!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Year 4
So, Last weekend was officially me and Daddy's fourth anniversary as partners. We haven't been a Daddy/boy couple for nearly as long, but as partners together? We're now into our fourth year, which is extremely novel for me, since until now, the biggest anniversary I've ever managed to celebrate was 4 years.
In that four years, I have grown so much, both as a Boy and as a person more generally. When we met, I was still working on an Honours thesis, hoping to get into a PhD and live a life of Academia. I was still hurting from a very painful year, I was living in share housing, and I was still very little.
And now? I've long since abandoned the dream of a university life, I've instead moved towards banking as a job, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, I'm collared to my Daddy, now for over a year, I'm living with my Daddy instead of with others, and I'm slowly, but surely, starting to rebuild that thing called a social life.
Of course, those are only the smallest changes - in four years I have made huge numbers of changes (I've effectively moved once a year in that time, for example), but in a lot of ways, the result is what stands, and from where I'm standing, I can only see my life improving, with me and my Daddy continuing to get what we want and what we need. There'll be changes, there always are, but we've seemed to be pretty good at dealing with the changes as they've come, and I don't see any reason why that will stop.
Here's to hoping that in another four years, thing will be even better!
In that four years, I have grown so much, both as a Boy and as a person more generally. When we met, I was still working on an Honours thesis, hoping to get into a PhD and live a life of Academia. I was still hurting from a very painful year, I was living in share housing, and I was still very little.
And now? I've long since abandoned the dream of a university life, I've instead moved towards banking as a job, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, I'm collared to my Daddy, now for over a year, I'm living with my Daddy instead of with others, and I'm slowly, but surely, starting to rebuild that thing called a social life.
Of course, those are only the smallest changes - in four years I have made huge numbers of changes (I've effectively moved once a year in that time, for example), but in a lot of ways, the result is what stands, and from where I'm standing, I can only see my life improving, with me and my Daddy continuing to get what we want and what we need. There'll be changes, there always are, but we've seemed to be pretty good at dealing with the changes as they've come, and I don't see any reason why that will stop.
Here's to hoping that in another four years, thing will be even better!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
What I bring to the Table.
This afternoon, me and Daddy were taking a trip out to see my parents, and we started talking about a topic I'd been musing about for the last few days, on and off - the curious imbalance between literature for leaders, and literature for followers, in particular how there's very little out there about how to be a good follower. It's an interesting question that I'm sure I'll come back to, maybe in a separate blog, but as we talked about what makes a good follower, we came to the topic of what that follower brings to the table - often a good follower has a large breadth on knowledge, and can bring many disparate knowledges to the table.
And so, I figured, what better time to write a post about what sort of things I can bring to my Daddy and other prospective players? What can I do for you? Among the skills I have:
And so, I figured, what better time to write a post about what sort of things I can bring to my Daddy and other prospective players? What can I do for you? Among the skills I have:
- I can fix computers. I know how to troubleshoot both Hardware and Software problems, and get computers back to working state.
- I'm quite good at arithmetic, and enjoy working with numbers. I have no formal qualifications, but I'm capable of balancing books and doing quicksums in my head, even with fairly complex figures.
- I know a lot about banking, and money. I know a great deal about how the banking system works, and even have a AFSL Tier 2 Qualification, which means I can give advice about your banking.
- I have a fantastic phone manner. I can man phones for people and leave the caller feeling great at the end of the call. I can perform important calls for people, should they be unable to do so.
- I am proficient at simple massage. I can help relieve tension and help pain to an extent. I'm no expert, but I can do it, and I enjoy it!
- I can cook. My repetoire of by-heart recipes is minimal, but I am more than capable of following recipes, and I can usually make a good meal first time.
- I have a good knowledge of civics and general political matters, as well as general history. If you have a question about why the world works a certain way, I can usually give you an answer!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Seeking Self: Orientation
Go into depth of detail about your orientation, both sexual and D/s. Has it changed over the years? Do you feel it will change again?
So, let's start with the Short Version: I'm a bisexual switch, with a big bias towards submission, and a reasonable bias towards liking men.
Right, with that out of the way, let's expand that a bit more.
First, on the sexual orientation. For as long as I can remember having sexual feelings, I've had feelings for both men and women. My earliest attempts at acting on those feelings generally targeted women, because that's what society told me was the thing to do, but honestly, I've had desires for men for most of that time as well.
I do occasionally wonder as to whether I'm bisexual or gay, just considering the bias can be pretty strong at times. But I don't think it's a lack of desire for women at all that leads the bias. More likely the bias is due to the fact that I don't have a lot of sexual experience with women, and thus I'm always a bit anxious when the idea of girl-sex comes up.
I get a feeling that my sexual orientation has been pretty constant - the changing factor is how I act upon my orientation. I can't honestly forsee my sexuality changing in the foreseeable future - It's been such a constant force I don't think it'll change on it's own.
Second on my BDSM orientation. When I think back to even childhood fantasies, I remember wanting to be a pet, to be taken care of. I think I've always had a major preference for submission, and indeed, it wasn't until I was dating a person who preferred submission that my ability to be a Dom came out (although, frankly, I shudder at the sorts of things I did then, not knowing any better). I certainly feel a whole lot more comfortable being a submissive in a relationship, although that may be partly because I'm in a happy relationship right now.
I have dommed other people since being with Daddy, and played as a top, and I do feel there's a definite drive in me to be dominant on an occasional basis. I'm not sure if it's enough to get a full-time subby under me (so to speak), but I do think having a regular play-partner, at least, would be a good thing for my dommy side.
Again, I get the feeling that a lot of the comfort of being in a submissive role is because I know it well, I don't have to worry about failing in the role. Being a dominant, on the other hand, is a bit scarier. My skills are not nearly as sharp on that end. To anyone else, of course, this would be a clear cue to practice those skills, to get into as many dominant situations as possible and work on being a better dom. Instead, I just stick to what I know.
I do think that my BDSM orientation has changed a little, but not terribly - I think I've probably had switchy tendencies for most of my life, I've just mostly been trained into submissive roles by the world around me. I didn't really think much about being Dominant until I started engaging in BDSM, and only then did I realize that I had that potential. Will it change again? I think more likely I'll just get more comfortable in the dominant side of my orientation, and then I'll be much more comfortable switching on a more regular basis.
So, let's start with the Short Version: I'm a bisexual switch, with a big bias towards submission, and a reasonable bias towards liking men.
Right, with that out of the way, let's expand that a bit more.
First, on the sexual orientation. For as long as I can remember having sexual feelings, I've had feelings for both men and women. My earliest attempts at acting on those feelings generally targeted women, because that's what society told me was the thing to do, but honestly, I've had desires for men for most of that time as well.
I do occasionally wonder as to whether I'm bisexual or gay, just considering the bias can be pretty strong at times. But I don't think it's a lack of desire for women at all that leads the bias. More likely the bias is due to the fact that I don't have a lot of sexual experience with women, and thus I'm always a bit anxious when the idea of girl-sex comes up.
I get a feeling that my sexual orientation has been pretty constant - the changing factor is how I act upon my orientation. I can't honestly forsee my sexuality changing in the foreseeable future - It's been such a constant force I don't think it'll change on it's own.
Second on my BDSM orientation. When I think back to even childhood fantasies, I remember wanting to be a pet, to be taken care of. I think I've always had a major preference for submission, and indeed, it wasn't until I was dating a person who preferred submission that my ability to be a Dom came out (although, frankly, I shudder at the sorts of things I did then, not knowing any better). I certainly feel a whole lot more comfortable being a submissive in a relationship, although that may be partly because I'm in a happy relationship right now.
I have dommed other people since being with Daddy, and played as a top, and I do feel there's a definite drive in me to be dominant on an occasional basis. I'm not sure if it's enough to get a full-time subby under me (so to speak), but I do think having a regular play-partner, at least, would be a good thing for my dommy side.
Again, I get the feeling that a lot of the comfort of being in a submissive role is because I know it well, I don't have to worry about failing in the role. Being a dominant, on the other hand, is a bit scarier. My skills are not nearly as sharp on that end. To anyone else, of course, this would be a clear cue to practice those skills, to get into as many dominant situations as possible and work on being a better dom. Instead, I just stick to what I know.
I do think that my BDSM orientation has changed a little, but not terribly - I think I've probably had switchy tendencies for most of my life, I've just mostly been trained into submissive roles by the world around me. I didn't really think much about being Dominant until I started engaging in BDSM, and only then did I realize that I had that potential. Will it change again? I think more likely I'll just get more comfortable in the dominant side of my orientation, and then I'll be much more comfortable switching on a more regular basis.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Coming down from a year in chastity
So, Daddy told me that, after I went to bed on New Years, the conversation in the room turned to what my reaction would be now that I could actually cum whenever I want. The thought was that I would either go absolutely nuts and masturbate whenever I could, or I'd just continue along the way I had been going.
Well, after a week, the answer is somewhere between those two extremes.
It's true - there's no longer that pressing urge to do something, anything in the morning. In fact, to be honest, it's something of a welcome relief. The desire to masturbate, now that I can, has now lessened quite dramatically.
But that doesn't mean I ain't doin' it. In the last week since I've been allowed to come, I have orgasmed roughly once a day, in the morning, with the exception of this morning, where the combination of a rough night's sleep, gym, and getting ready for work just didn't give me the time.
But then, that's an interesting change - That pressure had meant that I was at least touching myself every morning, regardless, even if I probably didn't have the time for it. Now? It really is just an optional extra. It's something that I really wasn't expecting. And every morning that I have masturbated, I really have given serious thought to not bothering, which was certainly never my previous attitude.
So, yeah. It's not exactly either option. But I kinda like this new mode, personally.
Well, after a week, the answer is somewhere between those two extremes.
It's true - there's no longer that pressing urge to do something, anything in the morning. In fact, to be honest, it's something of a welcome relief. The desire to masturbate, now that I can, has now lessened quite dramatically.
But that doesn't mean I ain't doin' it. In the last week since I've been allowed to come, I have orgasmed roughly once a day, in the morning, with the exception of this morning, where the combination of a rough night's sleep, gym, and getting ready for work just didn't give me the time.
But then, that's an interesting change - That pressure had meant that I was at least touching myself every morning, regardless, even if I probably didn't have the time for it. Now? It really is just an optional extra. It's something that I really wasn't expecting. And every morning that I have masturbated, I really have given serious thought to not bothering, which was certainly never my previous attitude.
So, yeah. It's not exactly either option. But I kinda like this new mode, personally.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Matters Most Annoying
A few weeks back I mentioned about a couple of new toys that I'd managed to acquire for myself, and me and Daddy decided that we'd give them a go on New Years Eve.
The results were... disappointing. The paddle actually broke on it's first usage. And we weren't even going that hard (because I'm a pansy and couldn't actually take any real punishment), so it's almost certainly not because we went past it's rating. No, the damn thing snapped within the handle.
Sadly, it's way too late to send it back to Cane IAC for a refund, seeing as I ordered it a good 6 months ago. I am, however, going to see about cutting open the handle and seeing if a liberal application of superglue might at least salvage the paddle so I can keep using it.
The cane was used a bit as well, but admittedly we didn't use it nearly as much, so alas I cannot yet give a roadworthy score for the cane. But the paddle breaking on the first play was really rather frustrating, and has definitely taken the shine off the apple, which is sad because I was kinda looking at ordering other things from them. I may end up instead taking the option of getting some friends of mine to do some experimenting to make something similar that's more durable...
The results were... disappointing. The paddle actually broke on it's first usage. And we weren't even going that hard (because I'm a pansy and couldn't actually take any real punishment), so it's almost certainly not because we went past it's rating. No, the damn thing snapped within the handle.
Sadly, it's way too late to send it back to Cane IAC for a refund, seeing as I ordered it a good 6 months ago. I am, however, going to see about cutting open the handle and seeing if a liberal application of superglue might at least salvage the paddle so I can keep using it.
The cane was used a bit as well, but admittedly we didn't use it nearly as much, so alas I cannot yet give a roadworthy score for the cane. But the paddle breaking on the first play was really rather frustrating, and has definitely taken the shine off the apple, which is sad because I was kinda looking at ordering other things from them. I may end up instead taking the option of getting some friends of mine to do some experimenting to make something similar that's more durable...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Seeking Self: Fear
What are you afraid of?
Let's go through them from smallest to biggest.
I am afraid of the 1950s. Okay, maybe fear is a little too strong for it. More correctly, the sort of perfect, 1950s sitcom atmosphere creeps me the hell out. It's one of the easiest ways to put me on edge in any media, especially because these days noone plays it straight. 1950s households always hold some terrible secret these days. So, yeah, 1950s kink really creeps me out a lot.
I'm afraid of bugs. Specifically, bugs that I have designated "dangerous bugs" - insects and arachnids that can bite, sting, or swarm me. It's probably not a stupid fear, but as things tend to go, I take it pretty far - I don't make distinction between harmless and harmful species of spiders and bees/wasps, etc.
I'm afraid more generally of Armageddon. It's not exactly a fear that I worry about a lot, but hey, you never said that these had to be fears you deal with everyday!
I'm afraid I'll never amount to much. That I'll end up one of those people who coulda been something, but never had the guts to do what they had to.
I'm afraid of losing the people I love. There was a while where when Daddy talked about suicidal thoughts to me, he then had to talk me down because I was convinced that that meant that he was going to kill himself and leave me alone. I'm a bit better with this one these days, but it's still a fear that's within me.
I'm also afraid of people not liking me. It's one of those particularly common fears that a lot of people seem to have, but in a lot of ways it's one of my more influential fears. On the one hand, it makes me work really hard to be as congenial as possible, to push myself to become a person who is capable of liking and being liked by a very large number of people. On the other hand, though, it leaves me a wreck when someone decides to attack me, it often makes me incapable of showing my emotions right there and then, etc. Decidedly a double-edged sword there.
And I think that's enough for tonight.
Let's go through them from smallest to biggest.
I am afraid of the 1950s. Okay, maybe fear is a little too strong for it. More correctly, the sort of perfect, 1950s sitcom atmosphere creeps me the hell out. It's one of the easiest ways to put me on edge in any media, especially because these days noone plays it straight. 1950s households always hold some terrible secret these days. So, yeah, 1950s kink really creeps me out a lot.
I'm afraid of bugs. Specifically, bugs that I have designated "dangerous bugs" - insects and arachnids that can bite, sting, or swarm me. It's probably not a stupid fear, but as things tend to go, I take it pretty far - I don't make distinction between harmless and harmful species of spiders and bees/wasps, etc.
I'm afraid more generally of Armageddon. It's not exactly a fear that I worry about a lot, but hey, you never said that these had to be fears you deal with everyday!
I'm afraid I'll never amount to much. That I'll end up one of those people who coulda been something, but never had the guts to do what they had to.
I'm afraid of losing the people I love. There was a while where when Daddy talked about suicidal thoughts to me, he then had to talk me down because I was convinced that that meant that he was going to kill himself and leave me alone. I'm a bit better with this one these days, but it's still a fear that's within me.
I'm also afraid of people not liking me. It's one of those particularly common fears that a lot of people seem to have, but in a lot of ways it's one of my more influential fears. On the one hand, it makes me work really hard to be as congenial as possible, to push myself to become a person who is capable of liking and being liked by a very large number of people. On the other hand, though, it leaves me a wreck when someone decides to attack me, it often makes me incapable of showing my emotions right there and then, etc. Decidedly a double-edged sword there.
And I think that's enough for tonight.
And So the Year Ends...
And all of a sudden, it's 2011.
This holds some special resonance for me, because 2010 is the year that me and Daddy decided would be the year Orgasm Denial. One entire year without a waking orgasm. From the 31st of December, 2009 to 1st of January 2011.
There were probably a few good reasons why, about a minute or two after the countdown, I practically dragged my Daddy to his bedroom. The almost month-long teasing that had totally reignited my sex drive probably had something to do with it. Also, possibly, Daddy's constant smug face all through the night. And yes, the fact that I'd gone through a year was probably a large factor as well.
Let me just say, it was completely worth the wait - apparently enough that I had people at the still-running party clapping when I finally left the room. The only thing that I'm more surprised at was how tidy it was at the end - I was expecting to be an absolute geyser, but apparently not. Regardless, it was still a hell of an orgasm, after an entire year, especially as Daddy did all the things I love him to do to me.
So, now that I've gone through an entire year of denial, what are my thoughts?
Firstly, in my case, the first and last couple of months were by far the worst. After a while, my sex drive started to behave itself a bit more, and it was much easier to get through the fact that I wasn't getting any. Which, I'm guessing, seems more than a bit odd to people around me who I've talked to about this. But it's true - after a while, it just sorta stops being on your radar. Proof of human capacity to adapt to pretty much any circumnstance.
Secondly, I think that if Daddy would have wanted to make things more difficult for me, ironically the best thing he could have done is kept me in a Chastity Device. We did try a cage for a while, but problems presented themselves pretty quickly, so we had to abandon it. But, I'll certainly say that a chastity device does two jobs very well - it makes it impossible to even play with yourself without pain, and it makes you very, very aware of your genitals. If we do this again, I may make sure we have a better chastity device, to see how well I go then.
Thirdly, it did actually make a welcome change from sex being the be-all end-all of play with Daddy. To be fair, both of our sex drives dropped pretty heavily in the last year or so, as well as having situational problems to boot, so we haven't had nearly as much play in the last year than we'd like. But being in chastity actually made it a lot more bearable, to be honest. If Daddy's not up for anything, that's okay, because you're really under orders not to be up for much yourself!
A final thought, I guess this finally does make me "hardcore" at something - there aren't a lot of subbies who can claim to have survived a year without orgasm, so for once, I actually have a boasting point!
This holds some special resonance for me, because 2010 is the year that me and Daddy decided would be the year Orgasm Denial. One entire year without a waking orgasm. From the 31st of December, 2009 to 1st of January 2011.
There were probably a few good reasons why, about a minute or two after the countdown, I practically dragged my Daddy to his bedroom. The almost month-long teasing that had totally reignited my sex drive probably had something to do with it. Also, possibly, Daddy's constant smug face all through the night. And yes, the fact that I'd gone through a year was probably a large factor as well.
Let me just say, it was completely worth the wait - apparently enough that I had people at the still-running party clapping when I finally left the room. The only thing that I'm more surprised at was how tidy it was at the end - I was expecting to be an absolute geyser, but apparently not. Regardless, it was still a hell of an orgasm, after an entire year, especially as Daddy did all the things I love him to do to me.
So, now that I've gone through an entire year of denial, what are my thoughts?
Firstly, in my case, the first and last couple of months were by far the worst. After a while, my sex drive started to behave itself a bit more, and it was much easier to get through the fact that I wasn't getting any. Which, I'm guessing, seems more than a bit odd to people around me who I've talked to about this. But it's true - after a while, it just sorta stops being on your radar. Proof of human capacity to adapt to pretty much any circumnstance.
Secondly, I think that if Daddy would have wanted to make things more difficult for me, ironically the best thing he could have done is kept me in a Chastity Device. We did try a cage for a while, but problems presented themselves pretty quickly, so we had to abandon it. But, I'll certainly say that a chastity device does two jobs very well - it makes it impossible to even play with yourself without pain, and it makes you very, very aware of your genitals. If we do this again, I may make sure we have a better chastity device, to see how well I go then.
Thirdly, it did actually make a welcome change from sex being the be-all end-all of play with Daddy. To be fair, both of our sex drives dropped pretty heavily in the last year or so, as well as having situational problems to boot, so we haven't had nearly as much play in the last year than we'd like. But being in chastity actually made it a lot more bearable, to be honest. If Daddy's not up for anything, that's okay, because you're really under orders not to be up for much yourself!
A final thought, I guess this finally does make me "hardcore" at something - there aren't a lot of subbies who can claim to have survived a year without orgasm, so for once, I actually have a boasting point!
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