Day 11: Ethics

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Short answer: I think kink is perfectly allowable. As long as all people involved give informed consent to the activity, then we should not step in.

Long Answer: Hoo boy.

When I see people arguing about the ethics of kink, I always notice that people seem to hold the same general principles - that all people should give informed consent, and that as long as no harm comes to the participants, then people's actions are fine. Of course, the devil always lies in the details, specifically, the definitions of "harm" and "informed consent". Everyone, it seems, has a different idea of what these words mean, and that seems to make all the difference in the world as to what you think is acceptable.

But I think that, really, just shows that these sorts of discussions can only really be theoretical - every Kinkster has to make up their own mind as to what level of consent they will demand of their partner, and exactly what risks of harm they are willing to accept, and more importantly, each of us need to respect the decisions that other people make. We cannot make these decisions for anyone else, although certainly active and robust debate is very important in making sure those new to the scene have some conception of what they're getting into, and where to set their consent and risk levels accordingly. Honestly, I think one of the biggest issues anti-kinksters have with Kink in general is that they believe they have one-size-fits-all levels of consent and risk, and believe that any level more permissive than theirs must be eliminated "to protect us all", and honestly, noone likes being told what to think.

I also think, just as importantly, that we need to have those boring, honest conversations with our partners about their demands of consent and tolerance of risk, so we can make that choice as to whether we can engage meaningfully. It may mean that we can't play with certain individuals in the scene, but of course, that was probably going to be the case from the outset. We do need to try and engage in some self-awareness of our own ethics - how can you decide whether someone is consenting in an acceptable way to your actions if you've never thought about what consent really means?

In short, I think kink is perfectly allowable. As long as all people involved give informed consent to the activity, then we should not step in, and we should not presume that we know better than the people involved their demands of consent and tolerance of risk.