Seeking Self: Improvement

This blog, as might be shown by it's title, is supposed to be a way of me learning more about myself, since I have a lot of trouble with not knowing a great deal of myself. This is not just about my kinky side, but also my general self as well. As part of this, Daddy has given me a task to perform: Each week, I'm to complete a prompt of his, to talk about a certain part of myself, and to learn a bit more about myself. This is prompt number one:

How do you wish to better yourself, in the long term?

There are many things about myself that I wish to improve.

I want to become a person who isn't afraid of failure - someone who is willing to try things, even if I'm not entirely sure I'll succeed. The fear of failure paralyses me so much, I want to live a life where I will take risks and not care.

I want to have more emotions. I don't think I want control, per se - I think I already spend too much time controlling my emotions, and I think that control stops me from being able to experience those emotions. I want to be able to experience emotions in more than just a bodily context - I don't want to have to deduce what I'm feeling.

I want to be more present in the world. This one might be connected to the previous, but it's still important. I spent huge amounts of effort trying not to engage with the world, trying to protect myself from the bad things of the world. But I think those efforts are stopping me from enjoying the good things too. I don't get enthusiastic about things, I don't jump into fandoms anymore. I don't have any real obsessions anymore, nothing to engage me that doesn't involve work or my Daddy. I know why I put myself in the position I'm in (because I went through a few years of real suck, and so those behaviours that I always did got ramped up to try and get me back to functional), but I think that those behaviours are now holding me back. I want to be an exceptional person, in some way, but I know that being exceptional require focus, drive, passion. People who don't care about things don't become great people, because you have to push yourself to great heights.

I want to be sure of myself. With the addictions that I've dealt with (and still deal with), I don't think I really trust what I think anymore. I'm constantly vigilant, always questioning whether the things I want are actually what I want, or the addiction talking. I spent so long thinking my addictions were kinda normal, now I don't know what's normal and what's a step back to who I used to be. So far as I know, most people have at least a bedrock of beliefs about who they are, and what they want with their relationships and desires. Me? I have desires that I know are unhealthy and that I'm not allowed to accept. And I don't really have a lot of ideas on replacements for those unhealthy ideas. Daddy keeps telling me that the first step to new relationships is knowing what you're looking for, but I can't look for anything because I don't know that my intentions are ever right. When I keep interrogating my desires, they fall apart, but nothing comes up to replace them. Even the places in my life where I've clearly made good choices, I'm constantly doubting whether I'm really happy with those choices (see: lacking presence). About the only thing I'm certain about is Daddy, and even then, sometimes I feel doubts about my relationship. They don't last - I know I'm happy here. But they keep coming.

I think that's plenty of places for improvement for the moment.

Wonderful Packages...

So, last weekend I finally got a couple of things that I was really, really looking forward to.

A few months ago, I had arranged with a friend of mine in the States that I would send a couple of things her way, and then she would send them off to me. It was an excellent arrangement - except for the fact she sent it to the wrong address. This in itself wouldn't have been such a bad thing - after all, she was sending it to an Apartment, and if there's one thing I know, it's that Australia Post will never leave a parcel at an Apartment, if they can just leave the note in the mail to pick it up at the Parcel pickup.

Alas, Because I'm on the other side of the city, I managed to miss the cut-off time, and it got sent back to my friend. Fortunately, it arrived just as she was coming home for the holidays, and so sent it back to me post haste, and it then arrived just last weekend!

Man, these babies have been through a story enough! I shall be treasuring these for quite some time.

Alright, I've been leading you on long enough. What did I buy? Well...

First purchase was a beautiful Blue Acrylic Paddle from Cane-IAC. I haven't had much of a chance to try it out properly, but it promises to have quite a bite to it! I've been wanting a paddle for such a long time, seeing as I do love being spanked, but Daddy's hand always tires so quickly. Now, Daddy can spank me for much longer, and that'll make me happy (for a bit. Then, I suspect, quite unhappy...).


The second purchase was a nice blue acrylic cane, with three strands. Now, I'm not a fan of canes being used on myself, but with my large collection of blue things, it seemed a shame not to have a nice blue cane to go with everything else. The best part about this toy? The beautiful clacking sound it makes when you hit it on your palm. I think there's a lot of options in how you can use that, and should I ever find a subby play-partner I fully intend to try this one out!

I think it's worth pointing out - I'm so very much a materialist. I do love my toys!

Moments of my Life: The Shoe Ritual

I'm still working on my write-up of last weekend's incredible weekend of awesome, but it's taking a lot more effort (and time), than I have spare. So, to tide people over (and make sure I'm not falling too far behind on schedule!), I offer a little window into my Life with Daddy

There are some ritual which straddle mundane and kinky.

To anyone watching, it's barely anything. A boy helping his boyfriend put on their shoes and socks before we go out. But those people are not really watching.

Because what I'm doing brings me into the Space, reminds me of who I am and who I serve, and every step of the ritual is carefully felt, run through deliberately, although not always with great care. First, taking a pair of socks. Black, always, usually Daddy's own thick, wool socks, the sort he prefers. Alas, sometimes the washing has not always been done, and Daddy's socks are nowhere to be found, so a sacrifice of my own, inferior socks must be given. But Black, always.

I pull them out from each other, ensure that they're the right side out, and then start placing them on my Daddy's feet. bunch them up so the toe of the sock touches the toe of the foot, then pull them upwards across the foot. At the ankle, the important checks are made, to ensure that the sock is correctly aligned - all too often, the heel of the sock is somewhere completely out of left field, and Daddy's comfort must take priority over speed, or punctuality. Once Daddy and I are satisfied that it's on correctly, Pull them up so that they are up over the leg, and not languishing around the ankle.

I am still new to this game, and from time to time my enthusiasm causes me to accidentally hurt my Daddy while I put his socks on, as I am often as rough with him as I am on myself. But I learn, if slowly, and I will soon be trained enough to know how to apply the correct force to the correct situation, to be gentle when I must.

The process is repeated with the other sock, and then we reach the shoes. Daddy has very particular ideas about his shoes - A pair of old dress shoes with no laces, but a buckle on the front. To be honest, they suit Daddy so well, and they're practically a part of his identity now. The shoe's buckle is undone, I pull the shoe apart, while Daddy lifts his foot up. I put the shoe on as best I can, and then Daddy finishes the job, stepping into them, ensuring that the heel isn't folded over and all is comfortable.

I then grab the buckle and strap, and ensure the shoe is tight enough for my Daddy. The shoe is old, and this is not as easy as it may first seem, for the holes in the strap have frayed with use, with bits of fluff everywhere, and the buckle does not fall neatly into place. It's a struggle, but one I win this time, as the buckle finally slides into it's correct place. Repeated again with the other shoe, and my Daddy's dressing is finally complete. The final checks are done, and we are ready to go out.

It's a ritual I do gladly, and with enthusiasm. My Daddy is often so uncomfortable with me serving him, and this is a ritual that he enjoys and is comfortable with, so I seize on the opportunity when it arises. It is a time when my Daddy is fully in my attention, where I can devote my entire mind to serving him. Perhaps I should treat it as a meditation? A simple task where I can reflect on my Service to my Daddy.

Speaking of which, time to wake my Daddy. We go out today, and he'll need to get his shoes on!

Day 30: Wildcard

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Bah! I always hate the wildcard topics! I guess that's part of me being a subby - I'd much rather be told what to do than be given the freedom to do what I want!

It's actually something that's been a struggle between me and Daddy. See, as it turns out, Dominants also have periods of indecisiveness, and hell, sometimes, a Dominant doesn't even feel that strongly about a particular decision, and thus is happy to allow the choice to be decided by their Subby.

For this particular subby, this can be very frustrating, especially when I don't have much of an opinion on the matter either.

I see this most often when the two of us go out to dinner, but haven't decided before time as to where exactly we want to go. At the start of our relationship, we'd end up spending obscene amounts of time pushing the decision onto the other until eventually one of us would break and finally decide where we're going so we could eat before we died of starvation!

And then of course, once we're at the restaurant, I'd often be paralysed with indecision anyway. There was a particular Submissives Munch I went to (without my Daddy, mind), where I was seriously tempted to SMS my Daddy to get him to decide what I wanted for dinner. That night I actually ended up deciding for myself, but it was a close thing!

These days I have better strategies for making decisions on the fly when I need to (like using coin tosses to figure out what I want), but I do admit to sometimes being a bit put out by having to make the decision. I suspect that Daddy secretly knows this and revels in the discomfort of making me have to make a decision. Although I have noticed that when I'm trying to decide at restaurants, he still has this long-suffering face, while he waits for me to make a decision. Usually because he's waiting for food.

Okay, so it's a bit of a stretch to call this about BDSM. Think of this more as a little insight into me and Daddy's daily life, which I think is just an on-topic for this blog at least!

Day 29: My Title

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

As you might have noticed from the name of the blog, I am a Boy. Currently, though, I don't have this as my title outside me and Daddy.

The reasons for this are alas not terribly complex - it's mostly just because I'm not a terribly big fan of being addressed by title, something I share with my Daddy. A lot of it is just practical - I often have a hard enough time realising I'm being called when it's my real name being called out! Being referred to as "boy" would just confuse me even more, and I almost certainly wouldn't be giving the caller due attention.

Another part is ideological as well, I guess - In my interactions with the world, I don't feel much of a need to be addressed by formal titles, because I'm not a very formal person generally. When I call call centres, I'm happy for them to use my first name. My job is at least partially customer service, so when I'm being served I feel a kinship with the people I'm talking to - for someone to call me "sir" in that situation would alienate me a whole lot, and I'm not comfortable with that.

I don't have an issue with addressing other people by title, by the way. I am happy to address people by however they wish to be addressed. But it's worth noting that, again, if people ask to be addressed by a title rather than their name, it makes it much harder for me to make any real connection with people. Which in a lot of cases, I suppose, is probably part of the point.

The dynamic between me and Daddy is quite a bit different, and is much more complex. For the most part, we use each other's names, when we need to use them, and there's no issue with that. But when we drop into ritual, we always address each other by our titles, Daddy and Boy. Whenever Daddy and I are discussing kink or Leather, or if he wishes to assert his authority, the titles are used. The titles are used mostly as a way of enforcing the D/s relationship we have, to bring us into that space, but they aren't used when we are addressing each other as equals in day-to-day living.

Day 28: Uniforms

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

When I go out to BDSM events, I most certainly have a uniform. In fact, it's about the only thing I wear out to events. My uniform consists of the following:

• One pair of blue leather pants, that were my gift to myself, purchased with Kevin Rudd's stimulus money (I'm not 100% sure that that money was supposed to go outside the country, but I'm not complaining about the result!). It is the boldest looking blue that I had ever seen, and I wear them to every event.


• One blue and black leather harness. My Daddy and I were looking around a leather store in Melbourne, and they had a small selection of coloured harnesses, including a blue one that I absolutely fell in love with. My daddy decided, eventually, to buy the harness for me, because he saw how much my eyes lit up when I saw it. To me, it was a thing of absolute beauty, and to this day it's my most treasured leather.


• One pair of black steel-toed boots, laced up with a way-too-long pair of blue laces. The boots were a cheap pair that I had gotten for myself when I donated a pair of my own boots to my Daddy. Because I don't wear them terribly often, they're still in remarkably good shape. The laces were actually bought at the same place that my harness was bought at, on another visit where I felt that I really had to buy something that day. Alas, the boots are really quite short, and the laces were clearly designed for a much longer boot. However, I really wanted to use the laces, so I laced it up in a way that would use as much of the bootlace as possible, but of course, I didn't use up that much, so I end up tieing the laces up once, then using the loops as laces again, and tying it up again. It looks kinda pretty, but I'm still on the lookout for a longer pair of boots.

That's my entire uniform. Every part of it has a story, as I expect most leatherboy's leathers do. I know that I've bought some of these things myself, but my Daddy doesn't seem to mind. The only trick, of course, with wearing blue leathers, is that finding blue leather polish to fix up the scuffing has been an exercise in frustration. It's difficult to find bright blue polishes in physical stores, and I'm always afraid of wasting my money by buying online, since you can never tell the colour of anything online. But I'll persevere, since I really need to take care of my leathers much better than I do now.

Day 27: Intrusion of Vanilla

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Well...

It's actually a bit hard to say. I have, on occasion, used some of my non-kink skills to engage in some kink-related projects (for example, I started setting up a BDSM Checklist page with what little coding knowledge I had. This, alas, stalled, but fortunately someone else has taken up the mantle!). But my non-kink interests are generally quite orthogonal to kink in general - I work in the banking sector, and outside of work I like to play computer games. Kinda hard to mix those things with Kink, alas.

However, I guess you can include my desire to clean as a non-kink interest, and I'd say that I definitely mix that with my Kink (doing chores for my Daddy is one of my primary forms of service to him). And as much as I've lapsed somewhat, writing is definitely a hobby, so this blog could certainly count as a non-kink interest being mixed with my kink. But yeah, for the most part, my various hobbies and interests don't really overlap that much.

Day 26: Online Play

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Well, I wrote previously on how roleplay in general has sort of just faded into "not interested" territory, so any sort of cybersex roleplay on line doesn't hold a lot of interest for me. I've done it one or twice in recent years, and I can't say that it wasn't fun to be GM for someone else's fantasies (certainly it gave the writing muscles a bit of a workout), but it wasn't really satisfying in the BDSM way. Still, I'm not going to say "never again" - I'd say it's definitely something I'd do for a partner online, even if not for myself.

As for domination over IP? Well, I'm not saying it's totally out - I can imagine that if someone wanted to be dominated over the internet (due to geographical reasons), then I wouldn't object to it. I'd be a bit wary, if only because that sort of thing can leave you feeling kind of like a sex toy, if the person on the other end is only using your online presence as a way of getting themselves off without you getting anything out of it. Again, I don't think that there's anything wrong inherantly with it, but I'd be wary of a purely online relationship.

Day 25: Openness

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Well...

The answer, honestly, is not much outside the kink scene and my friends. I actually work for a large bank, in a pretty heavy corporate culture, and while I'm out to a few of my co-workers there, It's something I keep pretty close to my chest. I typically keep my collar out of sight (usually by keeping my top button up) at work, when I keep it out in other aspects of my life I don't give any clues to it's true purpose. My family, for the most part, don't have much of an idea (My Uncle is himself a Leatherman, so of course I'm out to him, and I'm pretty sure my Dad has an inkling of my life, but I don't discuss it openly with him). And, as you're probably noting, my real name does not appear anywhere on this blog, and I do not link to this blog fron anywhere bar my Twitter (not under my usual pseudonym) and my Fetlife accounts.

A lot of this is just because, well, Kink can still get you fired, without recourse. Even in progressive corporations, it only takes one creep to make the whole thing fall around you. And frankly, I appreciate being able to pay rent and keep my benefits. Even this weekend, when I'll actually be performing in public on stage, I'm going to be wearing a mask for the entire time, because I just can't know what reactions people may have to knowing this is what I do.

Day 24: Partners

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

So, this one's a bit awkward.

I've written previously about my angst in partner-searching, in that I don't have a great deal of ideas in exactly what I want in a partner at all, and I suspect a lot of that is based around the fact that I've never really been of a mind to date people - what more typically happens is that I end up sleeping with them and end up in a relationship. I'll admit, it's probably not the best way of getting into relationships, but it seems to work pretty well the last few times it's happened!

But what do I want in a partner? I think about the only real elements I've noticed in my attractions are that I look for people who are genuinely nice, and (especially these days), people who have more of a queer outlook. The last one I guess is more out of necessity than anything - there's not a lot of people with a straight outlook on life that would be able to handle the sort of life I lead these days.

Okay, so that's not really much to go on. Unfortunately, it looks like it's the best I got right about now. I am working on it, though, since in theory I'm supposed to be looking for a partner...

Day 23: Change of Perspectives

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I'm not exactly sure whether my actual interests have changed, or whether I just have a better grasp of what they are, but the sorts of thing that I'm looking for have certainly narrowed somewhat. I used to love the idea of being a pain slut, but of course, after actually realising how much of a pansy I am, that idea's kinda out. There are a few other types of play that I'm no longer interested in after trying them for a bit - I've not had any particularly great experiences with violet wands, for example.

I've also really dropped down on my desire for roleplaying fantasies, which I know makes Daddy a bit sad. It's not even an active dislike for roleplaying, it's just, well, a general ennui for it. I dunno, I remember I used to roleplay at other times, but these days it's just not part of my libido, really.

Day 22: Healthy Relationships

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

To be totally honest, I'm not sure there's terribly much of a difference.

First and foremost, there must be respect. A dom must respect their sub, and their sub must respect their dom in return. If two people are in a disrespectful position in regards to each other, the relationship is bound to become painful and angry, for no real benefit. So first, there must be respect.

Second, there must be open communication. There's this big stereotype that a sub just does whatever the dom wants, and never has their own desires, but I don't think that's typically the best idea. If a sub is never able to speak up, the relationship may turn abusive before anyone even knows it. So, a sub must always be able to speak their mind to their dom. How the dom chooses to deal with this information is up to them, but there must be communication regardless. This applies to the other way around of course, but that seems to be assumed by a lot of people, and so it's worth visiting. A dom who doesn't communicate to their sub does their sub a great disservice. Not knowing how they are going or adapting to their dom's desires and wishes is just going to result in the sub becoming confused and frustrated.

I had a whole lot of other points, but a lot of them are just more combinations of the above two. Respecting limits is important, as is knowing your own limits in the first place, Approaching problems in an adult fashion is very important as well, learning to argue properly, rather than just having shouting matches, etc. etc. are all very useful, and very important parts of any relationship, kink or vanilla.

Day 21: Kink Literature

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

I'll be honest - I don't often read much outside the internet these days - one of those hobbies that have been crowded out by the internet. Still, I have a few favourite books on Kink and related stuff.

In terms of fiction, about the most BDSMy book I've enjoyed is Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not that brilliant a book. But, it's a damn sight better than the Gor novels I've read. Yeah, I've read them. I bought them from a second hand bookshop in Adelaide, thinking they couldn't possibly be that bad.

Boy, how wrong I was. I finished reading one, and then vowed to hide the rest of the novels, to save the world from such terrible, terrible writing. The subject matter? Meh. I can understand the appeal of the world he describes. I just find it incredible that people could wade through the writing within it!

But I digress.

In terms of non-fiction, I absolutely loved The Ethical Slut. It was a book that showed me a whole lot about opening myself up for the kinds of love and desires that have opened up for me since dating Daddy. To be fair, I'm still working on putting a lot of what I learnt in those books to use, but it was still quite the influential book to me. It helped me understand that yes, I can be poly and it can be alright. I can be in a kinky relationship and it's alright. And at the time, it was exactly the book I needed. So honestly, even though the book isn't technically BDSM-related, without it I'm not sure I could have genuinely opened myself up to the kind of relationship that I've gotten myself into, and frankly, I think that more than counts.

Day 20: Incomprehension

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

This one's a really hard one.

See, I have this... thing about understanding. I mean, I know, on a conscious level, that I don't actually understand everything, and that such a concept is ludicrous and possibly even slightly dangerous. But comprehension comes very naturally to me, a gift that has helped through much of my academic life, and helps me to navigate this very strange world I find myself in. The comprehension I have is never deep, but even a shallow understanding of something is often enough to make it less scary, and I wield knowledge like a little boy, scared of the dark, wields his flashlight.

So to write about something I don't understand would be a serious admission for me, a serious admission that there is something in this world that I do not understand, not even a little bit, not even at all. And that's a singularly terrifying thought.

But is there something in Kink that I don't understand? I guess there are some types of roleplay that I don't really get the appeal of personally, although I still rationally can come up with reasons why someone else would (Schoolroom scenes, for example, are decidedly unsexy for me). I don't really get the appeal of Scat play at all, and as noted previously, Pain isn't for me at all.

But do I really not understand these things? I can get why other people participate in them, even if I don't agree with those reasons. I dunno. Maybe I'm just that averse to honestly admitting that I don't know things. Either way, this is an... awkward question to ask!

Day 19: Unexpected Improvements

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

Well, I guess a way that kink has improved my life that I wasn't really expecting before I started the journey was how much I've started to learn about my needs.

In a way, this is more just due to the fact that I'm in a relationship with my Daddy - someone who has such a firm grip on themselves means that I've had to start working really hard on learning who I am, and what needs I have. Some of those have an obvious kink context - like my need to have structure in my life. Being submissive, and learning what worked and what didn't for my submission showed that actually, yes, not being disciplined with me is not a good thing for me.

There are a few expected ways it's improved my life - like being happier. But I guess that's not in the scope of this question!

Day 18: Pet Peeves

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Not many, honestly. I think the peeves that I generally have with the kink community are the same peeves I have with humanity in general. Like, for example, the general ageism of the populace, and how younger kinksters never seem to get a lot of respect (particularly bad for the young-but-experienced doms like Daddy, but also bad for young subbies whom everyone thinks are easy marks).

I mean, I could get peeved with the silly little protocols, like Capitalisation for Doms online, but honestly, I just can't summon the rage. I don't even really have that rage of "WHY!? WHY ARE KINKSTERS JUST AS BAD AS THE REST OF HUMANITY?!?!", because honestly, that's just assumed these days for me. Pretty much ever community has bad people in it, the real hallmark of a community is how it treats those bad people. I'm not going to say that the kink community is any worse at this than other groups I've been in, but that does still mean there's a lot of improvement needed. But that's politics for you.

About the only peeve I really have is the constant language wars about the right terms and the constant attacks on other people's languages. But again, that's nothing specific to the BDSM scene - Language wars happen pretty much everywhere on the internet, and really, it's just going to continue to happen, so long as people invest the energy they do into their language as identity. I could rage about it, but it'd be kinda pointless.

I guess tonight I'm just not feeling the rage. I'm sure there has been huge pet peeves in the pasts, maybe even into the present, but I just can't summon them up tonight.

Leather Thoughts: The Choice

Tonight, I ended up going to the Melbourne Leather Dinner at the Glasshouse, and the speaker at the event talked a bit about being a Leatherboy and what it meant to him.

You've probably noticed on this blog that I don't talk about Leather terribly much. I guess that a lot of that boils down to my identity as a Boy being far more pronounced than my identity as Leather. But I have thoughts that are worth sharing after this dinner, and I have a perfectly good blog here, so why not?

The speaker, Paulus, spoke a little about choosing Leather, and a couple of people made the comment that the decision to become a Leatherperson was one that was almost natural - that really, they were Leather before they knew what Leather really was, and that deciding on becoming part of the Leather Scene was just finding the glove that fit the hand, so to speak. I've felt that for many of my identities (my identity as Boy being chief among them), but I don't think that this holds for being a Leatherboy for me.

For me, the choice wasn't obvious, it wasn't natural. It was a clear and deliberate choice, absolutely, but it wasn't as simple as saying "Yes! This is who I am!" The HILT principles are something that I aspire to, but I don't claim to be good at them (I've talked about my Trust issues previously on this blog). To me, making the choice to be a Leatherboy, in service to my Daddy, was a choice made to become something that I didn't feel I was, just yet.

To me, it sorta feels like I'm wearing a glove that's a few sizes too big, hoping that one day, I'll grow enough for that glove to feel like it's the right size. But honestly, I don't feel I'm there yet. I want to use the principles of Leather to become a better person, someone who is worthy of the mantle of Leatherboy. In a sense, I kinda feel like I'm a pretender to the title, hoping that if I work at it enough, I'll have proven my worth.

I dunno, maybe this is what other people feel as well. But I'm not running into the community as someone who's "found their match", I'm hoping that by becoming part of the community, it will make me into a better person, and I thought it worth putting that perspective out there.

Day 17: Misconceptions

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

I think probably the biggest misconception that I'd like to point out to people is that kinky relationships are not equivalent to meek, subsumed little subby with domineering, control-freak dominant. It seems to be a really common misconception, and honestly, it bugs the hell out of me. Not least because I'm most certainly not in a relationship like that (although admittedly, you wouldn't know it if I'm with Daddy in an unfamiliar environment - I can be pretty shy if I don't know anyone around me). Kinky relationships look exactly like regular relationships - there's still that back-and-forth that goes on, with people on both sides making compromises and (preferably) communicating between each other. I'm sure there are relationships where one person never has any input into the relationship, and I'm sure there are even a few people who are happy with such relationships, but I don't think, somehow, that these are the majority relationships in the BDSM community.

Because those are the sorts of things that healthy relationships do. Any sort of relationship is a living, breathing thing, constantly changing, and thus constantly needing to be renegotiated. Now, a Dominant in a relationship is certainly going to have more power to get what they want out of these negotiations, but the Submissive needs to get something out of it as well! If they're not getting anything out of the relationship, why are they still there?

So yeah. When I see this conception of kinky relationships where the sub is just basically this shell? It bugs me a little. That's certainly not what my relationship is like, and honestly, I'm not sure that such a relationship is that healthy, in most cases.

Day 16: Difficulties of the Life

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

I used to have a good answer to this question - The biggest challenge on a BDSM lifestyle was always how to situate it around your everyday life. It often felt like this magical world that could only ever enter the real world for short periods of time. Certainly, the two could never coexist together!

Of course, now I'm living the life, so clearly whatever challenges where happening in that part of my life have now neatly resolved themselves (or at least am working through them as we speak!). Learning what's appropriate where has been a rather simple puzzle to solve.

So what's my answer to the question now? I'm not sure. To be honest, the BDSM lifestyle's actually been pretty easy - the relationships always take effort and communication, but that's never been an insurmountable challenge. I guess at the moment, the big challenge is the old problem turned on it's head - these days, the challenge is the keep the BDSM thriving when there's a lot real life happening. But even then, that's not a big challenge - just sometimes, real life takes a front seat, and perhaps that's as it should be. It can sometimes feel that there's not a lot of kink going on, but we live our kink as part of our everyday lives - my bedtime, my chores, my attempts to place a schedule on my life with the help of my Daddy, these are all kink, just as much as they are real life. Sure, there's a lot less ropes and whips, but honestly, the life I have is a pretty damn good one right now! Not having a lot of play is rather made up for by the fact that I have a Daddy who'll help me whip myself into shape!

Day 15: Curiousities

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

You know, I had to look up my BDSM checklist to find something to write about here - I'm a bit surprised at how diverse my experiences have been in BDSM to date (to be fair, a lot of that experience has been the tiniest of little tasters, but still, I've done a lot more than I think I have!)

But I realised that there is one thing that I am quite curious about, and would love to try - vacuum beds. I've occasionally seen them in use, but never been able to have a go at them, mainly because they are a serious trigger for Daddy. But they excite me, more than a little. The chance to be completely encased, completely immobile, completely vulnerable? To be honest, it's sort of the very epitome of why I like to be bound up - you get to feel the bed all over you, no part of your body goes untouched, and you get to push against something that's not going to give, even a little.

It's a really exciting idea for me, one I really want to try. Alas, it's going to have to be one of those activities that I'll have to arrange with someone else - there's no way Daddy would be there with me to do it, and I'd never ask for him to do it anyway. It goes back to what I was talking about yesterday - Real BDSM is making accomodations for your partner, and realising that somethings you're just never going to do with them. But, you know, you keep your ears open, watch out for the opportunities. It may very well happen someday!

Day 14: Reality vs Fantasy

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Well, the obvious answer is that real life BDSM actually happens.

But seriously, the difference? Fantasy BDSM has all the difficult bits cut out. In a fantasy, things can make no sense at all and still be kinky. You can be locked in those chains for hours without any real side effects, You can have strange, magical abilities and noone's the wiser. You can assume, right off the top of the bat that the people you are playing with are as excited about your kink as you are, are totally consenting, and will go as far as you want them to. Whatever you want, is there in your head, right there for your viewing/experiential pleasure.

But the problem is, that perfect fantasy only has room for one person.

Real BDSM means having to deal with the limitations of the world. It means having to work with partners to find a compromise for the kink that you want. It means that sometimes, your partner isn't going to be comfortable with how far you want to go. It means that some really hot things just cause too much discomfort or pain to be able to actually do. It means that on occaision, you have to deal with your partner's kinks, and get excited about them sometimes too. It means that you have to stop the kink sometimes so you can go out into the real world and actually do that living thing.

But it means that you get to share that wonderful experience of Kink with another real life person. It means that you get to find wonderful new things that you would never have imagined you could want to do, and it turns out beautifully. It means that you get to laugh at all those awkward bits and pieces of a scene. It means that you get to actually talk to someone about what you want, and get the thrill of them being happy to try it for you. You get to love your partner/playmate, get to explore things, and then get to help them experience the things they want to. Sometimes you have to bow out, for whatever reason, but that's okay, because they know that you're a real person, not a fantasy, and they'll nurture and help you through whatever's going through your head.

That's the difference. Fantasy Kink is easy and simple, but it's by it's definition a lonely road. Real Kink is challenging, sometimes frustrating, but rewarding, because you're actually sharing an experience with the people around you.

Day 13: The Appeal of Kink

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

This is slightly tricky, because I'm not one of those people who look very closely at my desires. Still, I'll give it a go.

I think one of the appeals of kink in general is that I get to not be in charge. Because let's be honest here, I'm not a leader, and I don't think I'll ever be. If I ever get put in charge of things, my leadership style is always one of facilitator, not leader - I'll always work on making sure everyone's working without impediment, rather than imposing any real vision of my own.

But to be my Daddy's boy is to let someone else's vision into my life. I get to make my goals become my Daddy's goals. Well, okay, my Daddy's desires become my goals, to be absolutely correct. But still, having a Daddy or other Dominant person in my life gives me a sense of purpose - I can work towards assisting to make the desires of my Daddy come to life.

In a sense that can be a little dangerous, because I'm not known for putting my own desires out in front. One of the things I've learnt from Daddy is that I'm not actually capable of suppressing my own desires - I get very cranky very quickly. As much as I want to not have to worry about my own desires, this is clearly not something that I'm capable of. So, I have to temper my real desire to just be a conduit for my Daddy's desires, and my real need to have my own needs met. It's not something I'm perfect at yet, and not even something I'm terribly good at. But I'm sure I'll get there eventually.

Day 12: Humour

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I think probably one of the most humorous BDSM experiences I've had was when me and Daddy went to a kink club which had horrible taste in music. Usually this club had fairly good music, but this particular week clearly someone had forgotten to bring the music, and they were substituting with someone else's playlist.

So there's Daddy, hitting me with a flogger when, I shit you not, "My Baby Takes the Morning Train" comes on. The music choices then had been pretty bad, but that song just took the cake. Daddy couldn't keep serious, he had to laugh, and then just started flogging me to the beat of the song, singing in a wonderfully sing-song voice all the way through. Frankly, I was amazed that we kept as straight a face as we did, it was just the most absurd situation to be in!

Of course, there are plenty of other humorous sex stories and the like - neither myself nor Daddy are particularly serious people, so of course we don't take sex seriously either. The number of times I've been naked in bed, and Daddy has decided to turn my Penis into a little sniffing puppet... well, I've lost count now. It's just something Daddy does (and he does it quite well - He's quite the puppeteer!). It's not really a kink thing, it's just that, well, penises are pretty silly looking, really.

And the number of times I've accidentally whacked Daddy in bed, or in intimate moment, is shameful, absolutely shameful. He still hasn't forgiven me for the hug malfunction that ended in him with a concussion...

Day 11: Ethics

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Short answer: I think kink is perfectly allowable. As long as all people involved give informed consent to the activity, then we should not step in.

Long Answer: Hoo boy.

When I see people arguing about the ethics of kink, I always notice that people seem to hold the same general principles - that all people should give informed consent, and that as long as no harm comes to the participants, then people's actions are fine. Of course, the devil always lies in the details, specifically, the definitions of "harm" and "informed consent". Everyone, it seems, has a different idea of what these words mean, and that seems to make all the difference in the world as to what you think is acceptable.

But I think that, really, just shows that these sorts of discussions can only really be theoretical - every Kinkster has to make up their own mind as to what level of consent they will demand of their partner, and exactly what risks of harm they are willing to accept, and more importantly, each of us need to respect the decisions that other people make. We cannot make these decisions for anyone else, although certainly active and robust debate is very important in making sure those new to the scene have some conception of what they're getting into, and where to set their consent and risk levels accordingly. Honestly, I think one of the biggest issues anti-kinksters have with Kink in general is that they believe they have one-size-fits-all levels of consent and risk, and believe that any level more permissive than theirs must be eliminated "to protect us all", and honestly, noone likes being told what to think.

I also think, just as importantly, that we need to have those boring, honest conversations with our partners about their demands of consent and tolerance of risk, so we can make that choice as to whether we can engage meaningfully. It may mean that we can't play with certain individuals in the scene, but of course, that was probably going to be the case from the outset. We do need to try and engage in some self-awareness of our own ethics - how can you decide whether someone is consenting in an acceptable way to your actions if you've never thought about what consent really means?

In short, I think kink is perfectly allowable. As long as all people involved give informed consent to the activity, then we should not step in, and we should not presume that we know better than the people involved their demands of consent and tolerance of risk.

Day 10: Limits

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

I'm not one of those people who claim "I have no limits" - I'm not that stupid, and if I tried that Daddy would laugh so hard he might have an aneurysm. I'm actually something of a pansy, and there are definitely off-limit activities for me.

The big one is rape scenes. Absolutely not, no way, not in a million years, no. Not as a sub, not as a top. As a rape survivor, this is not a thing that is in any way sexy or kinky to me at all. Any BDSM play needs to have consent first and foremost throughout the scene, or else I'm out of there, mentally or physically.

The other big one is anything that will cause permanent or semi-permanent damage. Things like scarification, branding, cutting, etc. My body is pretty important to me, and having it altered without my permission is seriously not something I'm willing to take. Don't get me wrong - I do fantasise about Body Modification quite a bit. But modification does not belong in a BDSM context for me - if I'm going to alter my body, it's me who gets to decide, not my Dom.

Day 9: A Song

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

So, coming up to this one, I was actually a bit worried - I don't make BDSM-related songs a big part of my listening repetoire. My tastes in music are much more Twinky, with a heavy emphasis on light pop and alt rock. However, it came to mind that there was actually one very BDSM-related song that I listened to on a constant basis when I was younger...


Link to The Masochism Tango on Youtube

Improvisation!

Those few of you who follow my Twitter account will probably remember recently that I was pining over the fact that finding heavy weights for Ball Stretching are quite difficult to find - Lead weights are nearly impossible to find, and heavier weights tend to be quite expensive. You can go to sex shops and get weights there, but the markup has to be seen to believed. And since me and Daddy are planning to do a CBT show at Sexpo in Melbourne this year, finding some weights so we can effectively use my Ball Stretchers has become something of a priority at the moment.

This weekend, I had a major brainwave - I remembered a while back looking at the very light dumbbells that you can get at places like Kmart and such in their sporting goods section, and remembered that you can get dumbbells as light as half a kilo. Perfect for ball stretching!

So, today I bought a couple of dumbbells while I was at Kmart buying other things, and tonight I gave them a try out. Their shape is actually not bad - it's easy to tie a bit of rope around one end to make a very nice hanger, and then from there, you just tie the other end of the rope to the stretcher. Nice and Simple!

In fact, really, the only problem that I'm seeing at all is that I might have bought dumbbells a little too light - apparently I can hang 1.5kg of weight off my balls without any real discomfort. Even swinging them around, and doing some short drops of the weights doesn't cause too much discomfort. So, I may start doing some looking to find some heavier dumbbells. I'm not quite yet ambitious enough to go right for the 5kg dumbbells, but I do want to go a little heavier.

Of course, it may well be that extended periods of time with the weights on could be a bit more of a challenge, but we're not going to get that much time at Sexpo to demonstrate, so finding something that's impressive for just a short while is actually about what we're looking for!

Day 8: A Picture

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

So, I've been a bit worried about this prompt, considering my previous history. Looking across the Internet for a picture that I found erotic could be some serious bad news. However, Daddy came to the rescue, and I realised that there was one picture of Daddy that I found absolutely and completely hot:



I am sure there are sexier pictures of my Daddy, but when I think of my Daddy being sexy, this photo is seriously my mind goes. Woof!

Day 7: Toys

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

So, I've had a few favourite toys in my time, and the whys and wherefores change pretty frequently. But at the moment, probably my favourite toy would be this one:



I originally bought the blindfold off eXtreme Restraints, mostly because, well, it was blue, and I have pretty much a fetish for the colour blue. Walk me around a store, and anytime there's something that nice and brilliantly blue, you'd better believe I've already homed in on it, and seriously contemplating buying it As you might imagine, my toybox is actually made up almost entirely of blue things! It's just sad that it takes such searching to find good blue toys, although I do tend to have a lot of luck with MJ's Toybox in my home country!

It wasn't until I actually had it in my hands that I realised that the fur on the back of the blindfold was the softest, most luxurious fur you could ever imagine. So, this not only means that wearing it is an absolute dream (although the elastic is a touch tight, that just means that it doesn't come off until I want it to!), it's one of my most treasured sensation toys as well - It's probably the softest non-tickly thing I own, and it tends to come out in some form every time I do a sensation scene. In fact, now that I think about it, I should probably buy a second one - then I can actually blindfold people during sensation play!

Day 6: Fantasies

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I actually have a lot of weird fantasies, most of which have absolutely no basis in reality. It's something I've been trying to work out of for me - Having crazy fantasies is fine if you don't have a partner, but when none of your sexual fantasies can be acted out by your partner, it doesn't leave anywhere for your sex life to go really. But, this isn't a Fantasy Boy, it's a 30 Days of Kink, so I get to show you one of my impossible fantasies.

One of my weird fantasies is that of dismemberment - where mine or other people's body parts come apart, without death, and with the limbs still alive and usable. The parts that get to come off are Head, Arms, Legs, Cock, Breasts, Lower Body. In these fantasies, there's usually some sort of swapping going on between partners, and if partners "swap" body parts, those body parts come under their control, although if the body parts don't connect to someone else, they're still under control/sensation of their original owner.

There are quite a few sort of "storylines" that this kind of fantasy lends itself to. The one that I found happened quite a bit was me giving my cock to my (usually female) partner to fuck me with, or to suck off. Another one was there being a "collector" of parts, who would often chop and change parts to make whatever he was interested in at the time, which usually ended up in a massive mishmash of body parts, which the collector would then use for their own pleasure. Another was the simple head-swap - Heads are swapped with another person (usually of opposite gender, but not always), and the two of us play with our own bodies (since obviously, you know where all your favourite bits are!).

This is a pretty cold rendition of this fantasy, but honestly, it's for good reason - as I said, I'm trying to get out of these sorts of fantasies, I'm not terribly interested in writing a full porn story about this.

Day 5: First Kink

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

My first real kinky sexual experience happened when I was 18. Really, it was incredibly stupid - I had met a dom online, and ended up meeting him at a gay sex venue in Melbourne for a session. Without really meeting him, without much discussion or fanfare. In fact, for the entire first session, I was blindfolded - didn't even see him.

It was actually a pretty simple introductory scene. From what I remember (and it's been a while, I don't remember everything), he put me into stocks, there was some anal play with a couple of toys (including a fun scene where I was supposed to try and keep a heavy toy up my ass), he used some weights on my balls, there was some play with ice and candles... basically a taster of a whole lot of different types of kink, and then at the end, he put me onto a sling and fucked me (It was definitely a sex scene, because I also remember sucking him off as well). Throughout the scene he took photos and videos of me. I remember that it was a pretty intense scene to my inexperienced self.

I'm not going to say that it was a traumatic experience, because it honestly wasn't. In a lot of ways, it was probably a fairly positive experience all up. But looking back on it, I'm a little horrified by how naive and dangerous I was being due to my inexperience. Anything could have happened that night! Certainly, if I knew what I knew now, I would have done a whole lot more vetting and would have at least met the guy before the event.

But, chalk it up to experience. It definitely showed me that I was quite into kinky play and kinky sex, and thankfully no real harm came to me that night. I did end up meeting the dom later on, and got to actually see his face. But God... What a dolt I was then! Thank god I'm older and wiser now!

Day 4: Early Experiences

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Well, yesterday I talked a little about fantasies when I was very young about being a human pet, and I had quite a few of those types of fantasies throughout my childhood. Other than that, there weren't a lot of big signs.

I mean, let's be honest here, I've always been a bit submissive, from cradle to now. I've never been one to take the lead unless there was no choice, and I tended to gravitate towards stronger personalities. This, of course, led me to being bullied by other kids (and getting into very unhealthy friendships with those bullies). And I've always been the kind of kid to poke at bruises, but I don't think that's a masochist trait exactly. I can't honestly say that I've had many real obvious experiences which showed that I'd be a sensation slut, although I do remember that how clothes felt was really important to me (which was a big factor as to why I actually didn't start wearing jeans until I was 14-15 - until that point the sort of jeans I'd get just felt unbearably rough).

I do also remember really like getting into small spaces, which if you stretch it out enough could probably extend into why I like confinement, but honestly that's really stretching it. As I noted before, probably the main reason I like confinement is my sensation sluttiness - I love how it feels to push against my confinement.

So yeah, no particular obvious experiences, but I've always been a subby boy, to tell the truth.

Day 3: Discoveries

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

This questions's a bit of an odd one, so I'm going to answer it a few ways. Depending on how you slice it, there's a few ways this can be interpreted, and each one has a different answer.

My first kinky memories are actually at an extremely young age, probably around 6-7. I remember when I was very young having fantasies of running away and becoming the pet of another couple. These fantasies were totally asexual, although even then, I clearly had this view that pets should be naked (after all, dogs don't wear clothes!). I had a few other kinda odd fantasies at the time too, which feature pretty heavily into current kinks, which I'll describe a little later in the month (don't want to lose all my best material!)

I first realised, in a concrete way, that I was kinky around about 18-19. At that point I had a girlfriend, that I enjoyed doing occasional kinky things with. While we switched between each other at first, It eventually defaulted to me being Dominant in most of our play. But around this point, I quite enjoyed our experiences, learned my first love of being tied up, etc.

I first understood, really, that I was more into submission than dominance around about 3-4 years ago, unsurprisingly about the same time I met Daddy. Before then, I'd had inklings of knowledge that I wasn't terribly good at Domming, that I seemed more comfortable in a submissive role, but it didn't really come together my real preferences until I was back in a relationship with real kink.

I didn't come into my current role as boy for another couple of years. Me and Daddy had tried all manner of different roles between us, but no matter what we tried, nothing seemed to feel comfortable. Eventually, we came upon the Daddy/boy dynamic, and decided to give it a try one night, and never really looked back. I was comfortable with the role of being a little bit little, Daddy was comfortable being the caring, nurturing dominant... Really, it was a match just waiting to be found.

Day 2: Your Kinks

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 2: List your kinks.

Good lord, this could take some time. I could just list my BDSM Checklist here, but I think I'll just focus on my big kinks.

First up - I'm a huge sensation slut, for touch in particular. Touch is probably one of my most aware sensations in any play. Alas, my pain tolerance is quite low, so while I love sensation, I have a rocky relationship with pain. I like warm, cold (to an extent), scratchy and soft, all the major feely groups.

The one exception to this is CBT. It's not necessarily that I can deal with more pain in that area (although apparently I can to an extent), but the extremity of sensation that CBT can give to me is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I'm looking forward to engaging in more CBT, truth be told - I feel like I've only scratched the surface of what I'm capable of here.

As a subset of the sensation play, I'm big into Electrical Play. Again, this is something that I have only a little experience in, and would love to explore a little more. This is, unfortunately, one of those parts of BDSM that's quite expensive to get into properly, but I have faith in getting right into it some day! I'm one of those people who really love the sensations that a TENS unit can offer, and I'm even a little into the sort of electrical shocks that, say, electric fences provide. This goes into the whole sensation thing, but it's probably worth shaking out a bit further.

I'm also a big fan of confinement, in it's myriad forms. I especially like being tied up, but I also like being in cages. In fact, I'm writing this post while in a cage! But honestly, there's not much of a limit - put me in leather, put me in rope, wrap me in cling film, no matter how you go about it, as long as my movement's confined, I'm all for it.

One of my biggest turn ons is service. To give my time and my effort to another is a great gift, and being willing to accept it for what it is is incredibly arousing for me. A lot of it is just a natural extension of loving to do chores and such, but there's plenty of other reasons, that I may elaborate on later.

I also love cross-dressing. I like playing as girl for little moments in time. It's one of the reasons I keep my hair long - it means that I can have long, flowing hair, no wig required! :)

I also like animal play. I don't really specify which animal, because when I do do animal play, I'm just a Boy-pet, a weird cat-dog-thing that has it's own rules, and is very insistent on attention!

I also like being exhibitionist - it feeds into the whole wanting attention thing. Of course, the exhibitionism these days isn't something I dwell on too much - I have something akin to a career these days, and I have quite significant trust issues as well, so my exhibitionist tendencies tend to be somewhat mellowed these days.

I'm living and loving orgasm denial. Again, I think it comes back to being confined, but regardless, orgasm denial is a huge, major kink of mine. I even more love the idea of being in physical chastity, being kept in a chastity device. Again, this is something that I'm going to wait until I have more money to pursue further, though.

Getting back into the Kink

I have a schedule these days. Tonight, I was scheduled to do our dishes, to do my service to my Daddy in keeping his kitchen nice and clean.

Tonight, Daddy decided that he would make this task... fun.

First, he instructed me to shower, to make sure that I was properly clean. Once I'd dried myself thoroughly, he pushed me onto the bed, and put a blindfold on me. While I had my hands behind my back, he slid my G-string on to my legs. Then, he slowly put my fishnet stockings on my legs. Next, he had my pair of heels, and one at a time, they were put on as well. Finally, through my blindfold, I could feel one of my dresses. "Hands up" he tells me, and he threads my dress through my arms and head, and then pulls the dress taut, making sure it all fits properly.

Alone, this has got me quite aroused, but Daddy had one more trick. "Turn around. Now Bend over!" as I'm bent over my bed, he takes a little egg vibrator, and places it down the back of my G-string, lodging it firmly on my butt. He turns it on, to a gasp from me.

"Now, go and do your dishes!"

Day 1: Define Yourself

Part of my 30 Days of Kink

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Right.

Let's get the first one down. I'm a switch, in that I enjoy both being submissive, and being dominant. But I'm definitely not a Top - even when I Dom I much prefer to be the one providing pleasure, rather than the one being given pleasure. Me and Daddy have noted on a couple of occasions that I can be dominant, but I really need to have my subby needs met first. These days I'm getting more dommy urges, but then again I am collared to my Daddy, so I've certainly got my subby needs met right now!

Within that definition, I'm a Boy. I'm not a Slave, or a Submissive, but a Boy. In my case, my service to my Daddy is not about subsuming myself to his desire. I'm a person in my own right, and Daddy would be very displeased if I ever gave that up to him. What I give up, from time to time, in varying amounts, is my adulthood. What my service to my Daddy is is allowing my Daddy to be my main, guiding force for a period. It can, in some cases, be a level of age play, but that's not the thrust of it at all. It's about giving up some of my responsibility to a guardian who will take that responsibility into his own hands, to make me better than I am. It's servitude to a higher goal, Serving to be a better person.

My identity as a Dominant is much less well-defined, however. The only sub I've ever had I didn't have for very long, and so my "style" never really crystallised. I'm sure at some point, when I figure out what I'm looking for, I'll find another sub, maybe at that point I'll start figuring out where I go as a Dominant.

When it comes to the B, D, S & M, I think I'm much more attracted to Bondage and Domination, than the Sadism and Masochism. I love being restricted, both mentally and physically, I like, (paradoxically), the freedom of being caged. I like to think of it like the fear of the blank page. In every step in life, there's myriad possibilities that can go on in the world, and one thing that I appreciate about Kink is that, for a small period of time, I'm cut off from that vortex of possibility, and for once, there's only a few places I can go. Instead of being paralysed by possibility, I can move forward with certainty. There's nothing but the Dominant's instruction, no movement but what the rope master allows, no room but what the cage provides. I can see a single path, and take it without fear or doubt.

And that's my Kinky self and philosophy, laid to bear for you all today.

Some more Chastity thoughts

So, it has now been 303 days since I have last come. Yeah, it's been a while since I've chatted about it, to say the least. A lot of it, frankly, is due to the fact that there hasn't been a great deal to say about it for a while. After the initial few months, there's still the occasional up and down in desire, but with real life interfering in me and Daddy's kink and sex life, it's just not been that much of a priority in my mind. It becomes a very big priority when I am serving Daddy in that way, but in everyday life, to be honest it just doesn't come up terribly often.

So, I don't write about it terribly much. There's only so much of "I can't wait until I get to come again!" that you can write without it being terribly boring, and since me and Daddy gave up on the CB-6000 that we got previously since it was just not suitable for my biology, there's been no developments on that front.

However, I do keep track of one of the FetLife Chastity Communities, and today one of the posters there brought up something that made me think for a bit - Doms in Devices. I mean, when you think about it, it's pretty damn obvious - controlling when your sub gives you pleasure can be just as fun as controlling when your sub gets their own pleasure. And we all know the psychological value of physical cages - having not just behavioural, but physical impediments to your partner's body can be really sexy!

Of course, there's plenty of pleasure that can be had without having access to your cock, but deciding to keep your sexual pleasure out of the picture? It's an interesting thought, anyway.

Random Ramble

Today, I'm rather stuck for inspiration, so I'm going to try a random stream of consciousness, to get my brain moving. I do not guarantee that this will make sense at all, in fact it almost certainly will not.

So, Daddy has been asking me what I want in a partner, and it's been really difficult to come up with an answer. Truth be told, I've never been the kind of person who has an idea of the kind of people I want to have relationships with, I've always just kinda fallen into relationships.

Well, okay, maybe I can be a bit more specific than that. It's not that I don't know what I want, it's that what I want is who I want. I don't tend to have ideas of what I'm looking for, but I tend to have strong feelings for specific individuals.

And it's actually pretty simple - I tend to fall for people who are nice to me and pay attention to me. Which is extremely awkward, because it makes looking for partners really difficult! I can't just look at personals sites, because I'm not looking for personality, or looks, or role, but instead people who take an interest in me.

It means that if I want to find a partner, I need to look in my circle of friends, which, let's be frank here, is not that big, and is mostly full of people with partners.

Honestly, it's a little intimidating seeing Daddy actually figure out what he wants, and go out and get it. I mean, the very idea of knowing what I want is really alien to me. It's not like I don't want things, because clearly I do, but I have no tools to bring them to the surface. Daddy is entirely different - he knows what he wants, and if he doesn't know, he figures it out, then does things. I just keep blundering on through, hoping that something that's acceptable will come into my field of vision, and that I'll know what I want when I see it.

And Daddy tries so very hard to make me work through these things like he does, and he probably does as good a job as he could, but whenever we go through these things I get frustrated, I ended up being silent most of the time, and nothing gets done. We're such different people, maybe what works for him won't work for me?

But where does that leave me? Clearly my usual approach to finding partners is not useful here - it occasionally finds me people I like, but only in the ones and twos, and they're usually not appropriate to approach for any number of reasons. I don't think I can do online dating, and I'm not sure if it's really, well, moral to try and make friends with people for the sole purpose of trying to find a partner - it seems a little skeevy, when I think about it that way.

Of course, the question has to be asked - do I actually want another partner? I certainly don't seem to act like I do, but that might well be because I never seem to act to improve my happiness in life (just like everyone else, I have to sink to a serious level of crappiness to start making real changes to my life). I have Daddy, and even if he doesn't fulfil all my needs, I don't feel enough pressure to actually go out and get the rest of my desires fulfilled. Is it just that I need an extra push to get out there and find partners? What the hell would that even look like? I'm not sure arranged dates is something that would be appropriate, and I wouldn't ask Daddy for something like that anyway. I'd be terribly uncomfortable doing something like that. Does it mean that I need someone to hold my hand through making enough friends to have a sufficient pool of possible partners (again, that feels so skeevy writing that)?

There has to be a solution to all of this, but I'm finding it terribly difficult to figure it out. Daddy would be all "It's all easy Boy - if you don't like something in your life, figure out what you need to be happy and change it", because he would do that. But there's two parts of that advice that I have a whole lot of problem with - figuring out what I want, and actually going through with doing something about it. I don't really have the best track record for either of those.

Bah. BAH. I ask all these questions, and I even go for some answers, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I wish it was as easy as saying "Daddy, can I leave the finding a partner thing to you?", but that just wouldn't work. This is something I have to figure out for myself, and that's really frustrating.

Too much Service

Sometimes, determination can be silly.

I have this trait, which I'm sure a lot of people have, where I don't tend to listen to my body. I just keep going and going until I'm thoroughly exhausted, rather than pacing myself to get more done.

I talk about this today because I've been working myself silly getting the house clean. I'm having guests over for a party, and those guests include my parents, so of course I'm going crazy trying to make sure the house looks presentable. Since me and Daddy have moved in, we've been slowing working at unpacking everything but it's been slow work, since Daddy's been sick, and I work full-time. So, my plan was to get everything done this weekend and really turn the house into a sparkling place of clean.

Now, I've been working for the past couple of days, trying to get everything done, but there's just too much work. Not letting that get to me, I'm still trying to get everything done, with less and less energy.

This is silly. I'm trying to sprint a marathon!

So, Daddy is going to put me to bed a little early tonight, so I can rest and get everything else done tomorrow. This is important, and it's a lesson I still have to work at learning - I can't serve my Daddy if I've driven myself into the ground with exhaustion. I just can't do everything I want, sometimes I have to decide which services are the important ones.

I'm sure I'll figure out that properly at some point, and on that day Daddy won't have to yell at me to stop for god's sake, and take a rest, even though there's still so much to do.

Of course, I keep saying that. But there's always so much to do!

30 Days of Kink

November is National Novel Writing Month, something that my Daddy loves participating in, and something that almost every one of my friends seems to get right into. And while I'm a dab hand at writing (see: most of this blog), writing a big huge novel doesn't really play to my strengths - in perfect boy style, I get bored really quickly of writing long stories, and tend to prefer short and sweet stories.

But, I'd still like to stretch my writing wings for November this month, so I'm deciding that I'm going to take a similar challenge. A dear friend of mine on Fetlife revealed to me a blog game called 30 Days of Kink - a challenge where each day, you write a blog post on a particular BDSM topic. I'm going to keep this page up as a master list, and make sure each post is linked. For each day in November, I will endeavour to write at least 1000 words on each subject. We will see at the end of the month whether I reach the NaNoWriMo target on my own!

I've also decided that this will be in addition to my requested one post per week from Daddy - No using this challenge to slack off!

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Day 2: List your kinks.
Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?
Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.
Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Schedules and Slack

In the last few weeks, me and Daddy have been moving. As in all very stressful, big changes to life, it's kinda thrown things into chaos. During the move, and the time previous, Daddy, in his wisdom, has been cutting me a little slack with a lot of my daily rituals.

After a couple of weeks of this, I am firmly convinced that this is a poor move.

I have been noticing that I'm most definitely at my best with structure. As much I may rail against, as much as I might complain about it, the simple fact of the matter is that I am a much better person when I have external support. Without it, I fall back to slobbish behaviour.

I have noticed this most with my gym routine. My Daddy has been supporting my gym routine by insisting in a schedule - that I go to Gym three times a week on specific days of the week. Now, during the move, I could probably have still gone to gym, but without Daddy enforcing it, it of course fell by the wayside. Of course, there still isn't a great deal of enforcement from Daddy, so there's not a lot of consequences for missing a session.

And this has gone for a lot of other chores. For example, We set up a schedule for me to do dishes each night I've not gone to the gym, and as of yet, I still have not me that schedule once. There's nothing stopping me from getting this done, of course - were it be made a priority, I could easily get it done whenever (hell, I could do it in the morning even). But the schedule doesn't get enforced, and as of yet, the dishes still do not get done regularly.

Me and Daddy have talked a little about this, and really, it goes down to separate life paths - Daddy thrives on flexibility, and his natural impulse is to be flexible if doing something may cause inconvenience or problems. Chaos is something he embraces, and rigid order is something that is very uncomfortable for him. But if my routines aren't rigid, and I can make excuses to get out of something, I inevitably will. And if there are no consequences for wiggling out, I will continue to wiggle out.

So really, this is just a cry out for some consequence for failing, which I've felt has kinda been in short supply. I mean, I love being spoiled as a boy, but I feel like I'm not reaching the heights I'm capable of. In my job, my everything is measured, and everything is structured, and I go great! As a boy? Sometimes I feel I lack that structure.

The Fear

Those precious few readers I have have probably noticed that I'm not doing a lot of Fantasy Boy Posts anymore. It's been bugging me, why I can't seem to get enough material to fill these posts. It's not that I don't have fantasies, because I have plenty of them. But they're not fantasies based in reality, not fantasies that other people can connect to.

I've talked about this previously, but never in a particularly in-depth way. Last night, when me and Daddy were driving home from a party, we talked for a bit and a few things crystallised for me.

I like to think I'm a very sex-positive person. I believe that sex should be a wonderful thing, that people shouldn't be attacked for their sexuality, whatever form that takes, that it's a perfectly normal facet of existence that people shouldn't be scared of.

However, I am terrified of sex.

And there's a few components to that fear. Firstly, I'm an extremely anxious boy by nature. Anything that's not within my routine can be scary for me, if we have to be honest with each other.

Secondly, and I think this is the big one, I have an intense fear of being vulnerable. I'll admit it - I find it exceptionally difficult to trust people, and that includes my Daddy. I have my reasons for this, and it's not entirely unjustified, but the fact remains, I don't have a lot of trust in the people around me. I depend on them, I feel they are fundamentally good people, and will do a lot for people on the trust that they'll give back when I need, but trusting people with me? Almost never happens. And this lack of trust in people means that breaking down those barriers and being vulnerable is so exceptionally hard.

But where, pray tell, does this connect into my concern about single-player fantasies? It's actually rather simple - Single-player fantasies are safe. They involve only me, and I trust me. Introducing other people into my fantasies instantly makes those fantasies less appealing - because to make those fantasies come to life requires that I be willing to trust those inner-most fantasies to another person, and then trust that they will accept and play that fantasy for me, if I asked, and that's waaaay more vulnerable than I'm comfortable with.

Up until recently, I used to be a roleplayer. I used to come up with fantasies, play them out with a group of people. I used to be able to get reasonably into character (I can't say I was a truly immersive roleplayer, to be honest), I used to be able to provide motivations and plot hooks to try and get an outcome that I wanted. But I can't even dream up a fantasy when it comes to sex. I'm immensely uncomfortable with sex, can barely talk about what I want (hell, can barely talk about what I don't want)...

It's not surprising that I haven't been able to engage with my Daddy to come up with decent fantasies, and even when my Daddy brings his fantasies to the table, it's not surprising that I can't engage with him about it either.

And it funnels into plenty of other parts of my life as well. I keep saying a want another partner, but the idea of connecting with another person enough to have even a play-partner relationship is incredibly scary. The last time I did it, it was still insanely scary, and I barely got through what I wanted. This fear of sex and intimacy is going to kill any future relationships before they happen, and I'm afraid is slowly poisoning the one relationship I currently have. My Daddy has my trust enough that sex isn't much of an issue (although I still have some horrendous hangups), but I'm worried that I'm running from the intimacy angle.

I need to change this. I need to learn to trust, but I'm honestly not sure how I go about it. Before now, I thought I did trust my Daddy, but clearly not enough to get what we both need out of our sex lives.

Birthdays, Service and Community

In a previous post I talked about the surprise I was planning to give my Daddy for his birthday. Yesterday I got to give that surprise to my Daddy, and believe me, it was every bit worth the effort.

It's rare that you get to render your Daddy speechless, but that was pretty much his reaction to me organising with his friends to raise over $2000 for a suit for my Daddy. It just proved to me that this surprise was the very best thing I could have done.

Also, it had the added side effect of bringing my Daddy into greater esteem with his friends - a lot more people remembered his birthday this year than they normally would, and honestly, that makes me almost as happy as the present itself. Part of service should be to add to your Daddy's good name, and not only have I provided him with good publicity in his community, but now they know what kind of a Boy he has serving him.

And everyone knows that a Boy's behaviour reflects upon his Daddy. I hope that he is pleased!

Moving in with the Daddy

So, it's true - me and Daddy have technically been living together for a while. But living together in a share house is always an awkward state of affairs - there is never any real sense of privacy, and with people always around the house it is difficult to get into a D/s mindset - one always has to be conscious of everyone around them.

But very shortly, that is all going to change. You see, Me and Daddy finally got a new place. It's going to be ours, and ours only. A house that we can manage all to ourselves. A house where I can wear as much or as little as me and my Daddy desire. A place where we can have our own little dungeon to call our own. A place where there can be orders, and dirty sex, and procedures and protocols, and no one around to gainsay us.

It's, of course, not going to be that easy. Me and Daddy have had our D/s relationship on the backburner for quite some time. Oh, it's there, and we both feel it, (I feel it everyday when I feel the collar around my neck), but due to stress, and moving, and no privacy, it's not been something that we have had much chance to genuinely build up. Getting back into the swing of a D/s relationship is going to take work, and I have a strong suspicion that I'm going to feel put upon for a while until my place is firmly assured again.

But to have a place to ourselves again, a place where we can feel safe, where we can let our kink out as much as we desire... The environment will be there, and it will then only be up to us to bring our D/s embers back into a roaring flame.

It's going to be fun. Frankly, I wish we were already moved in!

Service with a Surprise

So, I've been planning special surprises for my Daddy's birthday. It's been a long time in the making - I'd sorta planned the surprise very early on this year, and I've been actively working to make the surprise come to life in the last few months.

It brings me into something of a bind - these sorts of surprises don't seem to gel well with the idea of honest service. After all, aren't I supposed to be open and honest with my Daddy?

The answer of course, is much more complicated than that. Birthdays are one of those events where surprises are not only tolerated, but almost expected, and looked forward to. Also, while I was kinda hoping that I'd be able to keep the lid on the surprise right up until Daddy's birthday, it's existence was revealed, mostly due to my lapse, but there you go. This has meant, however, that Daddy has been an active agent in keeping the surprise away from him - he doesn't want to know! This makes my life a whole lot easier, although I've been told that a lot of my confederates in the surprise have been rather on eggshells, being terrified that they'll give away the secret. Of course, I was prepared for this eventuality, so I tell Daddy I'm doing something different every time he asks what I'm getting for his birthday. Among the list of things that I've told him are:

• A Pimp-mobile
• A golden cane
• A lifetime supply of toothpaste
• A pony
• More fairy bread than there is in the world
• A slave

And I have plenty more up my sleeve as well. This kind of fun and games with my Daddy is actually really fun - he gets to be excited about surprises, and I get to be the one that surprises him on his birthday. It's going to be fantastic.

I'd like to enthuse more about how awesome the whole process has been, but of course, this blog is specifically for my Daddy - don't want to accidentally spoiler him before the big day! Suffice to say though, that when he knows...

He's going to be stunned.